Threesomes

Partner wants female partners, preferably with me involved. I have two issues. 1. I am not bi. 2. I find it impossible to watch him with another woman. Have tried to steer him towards males, this is fine, but his preference is female. Have fed the fantasy for many years, trying to avoid the physical experience. We are on AMM looking for a couple to "play" with. Have had a few male threesomes over the years, but female ones have "pierced my heart". My head tells me to relax and have fun, my heart is in turmoil. This has affected our sex life now, I pale against his affairs with other women. They are multi-orgasmic, I am not, they are new, I am old. In all other areas we get along well, this is why we are still together. Can anyone offer advice?

 

I'm sorry you're going through it. It seems you've tried to relax and it just doesn't happen. You really dislike the idea. And that's that. If it hurts you, don't do it. But talk to him about your motivation. Don't let him imagining things on his side, imagining your motives. Talk openly about the reasons why you don't like it.

Now, from his point of view, it is perhaps frustrating, because you could enjoy MFM, but he can't have his FMF. I'm trying to put myself in his shoes, not saying you have to do something you obviously don't wanna do.

I wouldn't let it hang in the air. I'd talk very openly to him about the way you feel, all of your concerns. If you haven't yet, have this talk. Explain your feelings, your insecurities.

If you feel like trying it again, you could, after the talk, propose a test, but express your conditions. Not arbitrary conditions, but conditions imposed to make you feel less uncomfortable, to even make you enjoy it.

If what he wants to see is you with another woman, and you're strongly hetero, then that's a no go. Explain him why. If he's bi, he won't understand it, but you can give him the example of you asking him to fuck a dog. It just doesn't go.

Please, I'm not saying you should do anything you really don't want. I'm just giving a few suggestions, in case you haven't thought of them. Don't do things that hurt you. But a very open conversation may even make you realize you can have his have his fantasy, without the things that would upset you.

I'm gonna give you my perspective on it, for whatever it is worth.

Sex isn't a competition. I don't mind my husband having sex with other women. It's just sex, not love. If you have a good relationship (and you say you do), then, the way another woman behaves during sex shouldn't be a problem to your relationship in practice. But that's only based on my limited experience in an open marriage (with limits he imposes, no limits at all imposed by me on him).

In my marriage, I'm the one with the biggest sex drive. The fact I can get sex with other men, even when it used to be much better than with my husband technique-wise, in a way, kept me married. Because sex between us used to be really bad for me.

I think the worst thing is when you wish something you don't get. In your mind, it ends up being some obsession, and it looks better than it actually is. If you can actually live your fantasies, they won't "consume" you. They won't be all the time in your mind, because it isn't a dream: it is reality. You actually live those things.

If he fantasizes about it a lot, and it seems he really wants it, since you say it is affecting your sex life, then, perhaps it'd be better to just let it happen. In my opinion, I'd feel more threatened by my man always desiring something he's not getting, than by the fact he actually does those things he wishes for. Because I know how powerful frustration is, how bad it feels.

Again, please, read my opinion, but think for yourself. Only you know the details of your relationship, the details of how your partner is. Only you know. I don't know him, I don't know you. Don't feel upset by my words. Every story is different.

Good sex with other men is just it: good sex. My husband is never threatened. I fuck a man, or two, or more, and it's great, super nice. But it is just this. It's like going to a concert and loving the music, but I won't be moving into the theater. I won't be stalking the musician. My man is still the man I've chosen, the man I love. With other men, I may have good fucks, but that stops there. Really, 100%. Even when it is super good and the guy is full of fantastic techniques under his sleeves, it is still just sex.

I think lots of times, when group sex goes wrong, it is because one doesn't impose limits, if limits should be there. My husband puts limits on me. I can't fuck my friends, men I know. I can only fuck strangers. I wish that limit wasn't there, but I respect it. If that's what it takes for him to feel comfortable, then, OK. I'm frustrated, sometimes, because I'd like to fuck friends. Not because of love, but because it is safer.

I wish you good luck in solving this problem. Just don't let unspoken words and motivations ruin your relationship. If you really don't wanna do it, talk to him and explain exactly why. Don't let him guessing, thinking you're egoistic, and all bad things that cause resentment and frustration.

 

I value your opinion, and thank you for taking the time to give advice I like your attitude to seeing your husband with another woman. Makes sense and I can adopt it. Your sex drive is stronger than your husband's, mine is less than my partner's.

I am very interested in the way other couples establish their sex life. Boundaries, and lack of, to feel confident and secure. I like your suggestion of me setting the experience with my conditions. In the past boundaries were not approved of.

If others would like to share their "rules" or experiences with threesomes (or more), I think others may enjoy it.

It seems that alot more females are bisexual these days. I am 58, never entered my mind until I met my partner. Tried it when we first met 25 years ago, not impressed. Each to their own. How many of you are bi?

Thanks again

 

I'm not bi. But I've done a bit of fondling for the benefit of my husband. He's shy to approach women and sometimes I do the first contact to facilitate it for him. But my physical contact with other women is kept to a minimal.

 

This. In my situation we have a few long time friends who are like minded. We feel safer keeping this in the small group. It's an occasional thing when we get together, and the sex is sex. No weird emotional stuff. We're very lucky to have like minded friends like we do. I know this isn't normal. My concern with my hubby grabbing a random stranger for sex is of course not knowing the persons health record, their emotional state, and many other things all centered around not knowing who they are as a person. This is what works for us, and I certainly am not saying there are not other ways that work for people. The key is that there is an agreed upon "set of rules" so there is a trust there, and there's no worries about that trust being broken.

 

We recently had our first MFM and MFF experience. I was bi curious but now I think I may just be straight. I felt the same way with having another woman in our bedroom. When it came down to my husband having sex with her, I freaked out. We actually got into a huge argument because he felt I refused to try new things and he felt as though I were treating him as my property. But after actually going through with it, it didn't bother me. My husband also highly respects my opinion on this though now. I guess since I gave it a go. But you've already tried this a couple times and it still bothers you. It seems this is just something that is not for you and that is okay. I'm not in your relationship but I would feel so hurt if my husband kept pushing the issue with me. I'm sure you have sat down and talked to him about your feelings...but maybe try again? Tell him how and why it hurts you. After all this with us, it's brought us closer. I hope the same happens with you. Good luck!

 

It really does not sound like the lifestyle is for you and there is nothing wrong with that! If your husband can not except that then he is not much of a husband. You should be his number one concern. Not fucking other people.