I’m a 30 year old f and totally confused about my sexuality despite my age. Not sure if this is normal or not at such an age but it is not until very recently that I I’m pretty sure I ”swing to the other side” even though I’ve never had a s*xual relationship with another f. I have been with quite a few guys and have had bfs but very been in a serious relationship where he’s been introduced to the family or friends. And even though I have been in lust with a few guys, I have never actually been in love with one. I’ve always been curious to be with a girl but always thought it was just a fantasy i didn’t want to make reality, or that’s what i kept telling myself. When I’m feeling down and feel the need to forget about reality and drift my mind away I always think of myself being in a relationship with another woman.. now that i think about it, always with women I’ve had a crush on i guess. That would make me think at times that I am actually gay but didn’t want to accept it myself. But then again I have had chances with other girls.. Ive kissed girls before (nothing else) and I’ve had female lesbian friends come on to me that I’ve probably fantasized about kissing before but when i had the chance i pulled back. So that made me think again it was just a fantasy. A lot of my family members have always been convinced I’m gay. Mainly because I’ve never had a serious bf at my age and a lot of the friends i hang out with are gay so people just assume. I dress casual/comfy/sporty and not a fan of make up so that adds up to it too. Some of them have asked me directly (which i appreciate they tell me directly) but I’ve always denied it and just made up excuses like ”i’m just too picky” or ””i’m too busy with work”. Then it got to ”im seeing someone from work but it has to be confidential” or ”im seeing a married guy so i cant say his name” but none of the excuses were true even though I still convinced myself im heterosexual. I just got used to seeing couples around me and got used to being single. What’s makes me think now that I am gay? hitting the big 3-0 i guess, laid down on the couch one night smoking some green and started thinking about my life. I realized it’s been over 3 years that I have not been intimate with a guy. When I meet a guy that likes me i always make excuses not to meet up ”for a coffee” no matter how cute he is, cos im just not attracted to them. On the other hand I’ve also realized that i tend to get a lot of crushes on girls and always have been since middle school probably. I also have a lesbian friend that im quite close to that i could really imagine myself kissing and going all the way with her, something that hasn’t happened with a guy in years. I don’t plan on telling this friend btw, she has a gf and I would never get involved in that but there are plenty more fish in the sea. I’m not planning in coming out to everyone and jumping into a gay relationship just like that but i am indeed ready to come out myself and try it with a girl to see if it feels right and if i can finally find my identity. I also want to make it clear that there wouldn’t be a problem with my family if i came out, nor are they religious. I could say that i have just been in denial of myself.
Some believe that sexual orientation can be fluid. Either way, maybe you should try getting together with another woman so that you can see how it feels, hmm? Just be yourself.
Firstly, it is far from unusual that a woman in her 30's or even 40's realises her true sexuality. Some girls know from an early age - others don't. Societal expectations, peer/parental pressures and so on are so strong that what many women see as important is following the road of hetero marriage/parenthood and ignore those confusions that keep cropping up in your ability to relate to men. Secondly - having sex with another woman does NOT a lesbian make. Women seem to be able to cross that border of curiosity/experimentation far easier than men. Thirdly, being lesbian does not mean you hate men and hate the thought of penile sex. Lesbian is far more complex than that - I think you approached it in your letter - it is about the word "relate." "Love" is also a strong indicator. Lesbians can love other women and want to spend their lives with them. Don't do anything precipitate, let time mold your thinking. Don't seek to wear a label just because you can. But don't think you are alone - you're not. We've all been there in our own individual way and time-frame.
It can be confusing, especially if you come from a very strict home life. For me the journey was rather mixed; feeling that I was very much a lesbian in my teens only to realise in my twenties I was more bi-sexual than anything else. Although saying that I am only devoted to three males in my life. My father, my brother and my fiance. I don't even see other guys in a sexual way...except for a few actors lol... Ask what your heart says
Someone was saying above that hitting the big 3 0 gave them pause for though but at 47 I seem to be at a similar place. I have been divorced 8 years and have avoided any more relationships and was very depressed at the thought of it because I assumed it had to be with a man, which filled me with no joy. Over time it has dawned on me that perhaps I could be gay and once I started giving it some thought my whole outlook has brightened. It seems so obvious now but social conditioning is very strong so it wasn't until I got to a point in life where I could be alone and really think about things that I could hit on what now feels blindingly obvious. My next step is to meet some local women. Anyone got some advice on how to take the next step?
