just curious and need some feedback

So i have been married twice and still with my current wife for about 4 years now. I love her but somewhere along the line the sex stopped. She never initiates it anymore and she rejects me most of the time. I would say may once a month we have sex, and i find her very attractive. She is quite mad at me most of the time and i feel as though she is withholding sex. I get so frustrated because i want her because i feel connected to her when we do but she says is very disconnected emotionally. I just dont think its right that she is withholding sex.

 

We need more details to give you advice.

If she's witholding sex, I agree it's bad and poor communication, but ask her about other parts of your relationship that is causing her emotional upset distant behavior. In a way that is probably bugging you more than the lack of sex.

 

I don't think it's right she is with-holding sex either. I think it's an obligation out of love and respect to take care of your spouse sexually.
But you said she is mad at you all the time, why? what did you do?

You have to fix the emotional connection to get the intimacy you want.

Secondly, if you didn't do anything to upset her, did you ever consider she may be having an affair?
It's possible.

Then there is the possibility she just isn't a sexual person and doesn't want sex.
Which is why every one should find out the sexual compatibility of the person you are dating or falling n love with, because down the line, that's what you have to deal with.

 

Quiet, do you think men are also in a bad place in this instance with some women, when it is very common to find materialism attached to the emotionality of a woman, and therefore sexual intimacy?

Then again it also could be hormonal, how old are the OP and his wife here?

Let's be fair to the OP, perhaps it's one of the cynical situations Vanilla Gorilla and Cherea keeps talking about. We've got to approach the OP objectively as possible until he provides us with more information.

That being said, breakup advice might be appropriate.

 

You will want to check out my post on astral sex .

 

I just wanted to thank you for some feedback and wasnt sure if it would actually get some

attention. Of course there is always some history to every story which I tend to explain

in great detail. This girl is always the girl I wanted to marry. We had dated when we

were teenagers and actually she was my first so to have her back in my life was quite

astonishing. I loved this girl even when I was with other women over my life. I could

never seem to shake that feeling when we were together when we were younger. We had

broken up as teens with kind of a bitter end and remained in silence for close to 15

years. I am currently 39 and she is 36. What broke the silence is that she was living

away while she was married to someone else and found out that my father at the age of 59

had passed away years ago messaged me and told me that she was sorry to hear about my

father and would like to talk to me again because of the way we broke up as teens. So we

began conversing about many different things and she told me about how unhappy her

marriage was failing miserably and wanted out. Well at the current time I was very

unhappy with my current marriage because i was dealing with alot of issues at the time

with my ex wife and not supporting me with the death of my father and alot of other

growing issues so we decided to end our both marriages and be together. Along with the

mix we had found out that my mother at the age of 58 years old had been diagnosed with

cancer which she died two years ago. What a way to start a relationship so along with

the termoil of dealing with my fathers death I now had to deal with my mother who

basically needed constant care up until the day she died and a fresh cut to leaving my ex

wife which she made my current life miserable anyway she could. I felt like my head was

constantly spinning and was very distracted from all that i had to endure. I love my

wife and i feel that as getting to a new life i felt as though i asked her to take on way

too much as i think back now. At first sex was great life was great, we couldnt take

our hands off each other. Gee we were doing it outside even a couple of times we almost

got caught. It was quite racey. It was just like we were teens again. I loved this

exciting lifestyle. We talked about having a child together and then it happened. She

was pregnant and then everything kinda went downhill from there. Not right away mind

you. I was happy to be having a child with her. I wanted to have a child with her when

we were teens but I didnt want to because we were young which is funny because found out

later that she wanted to as well. Everything seemed great but my ex wife seemed to make

things as messy as she could for me. I was such an emotional wreck at that time in my

life and made poor decisions and as a result some of what got us to where we are in our

relationship is some of what i brought to the relationship. But as they say there are

two people to every relationship so she made her array of mistakes too because she was

dealing with her previous broken marriage. So with all this and I dont regret ever what

decisions I have made with keeping us together since this was the girl of my dreams and

so wanted her over the course of my life even when i was with other women over my life.

And literally it was in my dreams. I would dream about us back together and would dream

about making love to her. I was crazy in love with her and that feeling never did die.
But like i said i understand that i am to blame for some of what got us here and have

expressed that to her. She feels i dont listen to her enough and she states that she

cannot have a sexual relationship with someone if she is not emotionally connected. I

understand that but when i try to change things what i am doing wrong it always seems

that she is always finding things that i should be correcting. It seems like im never

getting there. I like to feel emotionally connected to her and as men we tend to find

the emotional connection through sex often. So we are at a very stalemate with

everything but i am not willing to give up on her but need things to get better or things

will end in a sour note which i have expressed to her and feel that if things dont change

it will never get there. If there are further questions i would be glad to answer them.
But i have just figured i would give you a full background on whats going on. There are

other things i could say but i am getting very long winded on this and dont want to bore

anyone.

 

sorry i am not sure what i hit that made everything double spaced and no QuietStorm that I know she is not the typ to have an affair. She did end her marriage with her ex husband before she would consider making a life with me and vice versa. I trust her solely on issues of infidelity. It just really hurts to not be able to have sex like we used to. I have a very high sex drive and having sex with her always excited me. Now i feel like im sex starved, very malnourished. lol

 

I just answered this question in another thread, so I'm just going to copy and paste this here:

Listen, I don't care how long you've been together. Sex never has to be boring or non-existent. I don't know what your personal life is life, and I'm not saying you don't already do these things, but here are my suggestions.

1. Do things that are ONLY for her benefit. Like giving her a massage, but don't try to get frisky unless she leads you that way. Show her you're not just concerned about getting it on, but that you also care about her.*

2. Date nights. Sooooo important. Get a sitter for the kids and spend time alone. It's so easy to get caught up in being parents, that you can forget that you're also a couple. Even if it's just once a month. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture or anything. Get ice cream and go walk the park, go to a paint-your-own pottery place, if you have dogs take them to the dog park. Basically, anything that will include a lot of conversation. Also, NO talk about the kids.*

3. Chivalry. Now, I'm probably going to have people that disagree with this, but a little chivalry can go a long way. Open doors, be polite..

4. If all else fails, get cheesy. Write her little notes and leave them where she'll find them. Compliment her. Tell her she's pretty and why. Tell her things she does with the house/kids/etc that you appreciate.*

Edit: One more- even if she is conservative, MASTER the things she does let you do. Blowing her mind in those areas, will make her more prone to open up and try new things.

Moral of the story: Get inside her head and make her want you.

 

I am sorry i am such a chatty person but i love to express how i feel. and just another note quietstorm to your third expression of thought I would say yes to that but we had a great sex life beginning in the relationship so i dont think its the lack of wanting it. ITs the feeling of no emotional connection that is preventing her from it for at least i hope thats all. It would suck if all of a sudden her lack of sex was because she just isnt interested as much anymore but we are still kinda a fresh couple its not like we have been together for years and years

 

Just figure out how to make her feel good - make her laugh, figure out what stresses her and help in those areas. Even if she says that it's fine and that you don't have to, just keep her company and talk to her. Show her that you care. After that you need to let her talk, so she can get all her anger out and after that sleep on the issues and than find solutions the next day. There's nothing worse than resentment for any relationship and it seems like she feels like that towards you at the moment.
You mention that she feels that you aren't listening to her. About what topics? Is it the problem that she doesn't express herself clearly and there's miscommunication between you two or are you really ignoring her sometimes?
Those things should be the start than read what Mama wrote, because she knows what she's talking about.

(Great post, Mama :2thumbsup

 

Take her out for a picnic or something, maybe make it a family occasion (unless your kid is grown that is) and just do something fun to break the awkward tension. Don't bring up the sex issue, surely there is an emotional component to you feeling distant with her besides the sex.

Write her a chain of letters, (like an emotional Easter egg hunt) and take her through the happy times of memory line from your teen years on up, expressing how she was always the girl/women of your dreams.

Give her a massage, and keep up that loving behavior for a long time. Eat a healthier diet and include foods that are known aphrodisiacs to women within meals.

If there are financial problems within the home that can be causing some stress that I think one needs to work out before this situation can allow both to relax.

If discussions of you not listening to her is the problem, then perhaps plan a time of the day where you guys can talk for an hour or two and then when that time is up agree to just cuddle to build up that intimacy despite what was discussed. This communicates that both of you, still value each other even if conversation topics are straining the relationship.

^This is a 50/50 effort her, if she doesn't agree to this I don't exactly know what will work.


I also suggest professional relationship counseling, if you bring it up to her (usually I find it's her that brings up this suggestion, it might buy you some points with her)

(NOTE: When you guys talk, make sure you guys don't interrupt teach other)

 

Thanks . Bad relationships are never fun, but they make you so much wiser.

 

Ah. So basically -- you guys had a child and now she's in mom mode all the time and doesn't feel sexy -- probably feels worn out and tired too.

So...it's not all your fault Deuceman. She has to do her part in keeping up with her physical appearance. She needs some 'me' time -- a hot bath...go get her nails done...whatever she wants -- but she needs it.
I still think she should care about your physical needs just as much as you do hers.

Secondly, you could help by making her feel sexy. You know how you guys used to flirt and maybe talk dirty before you got married/and or had a child...
you have to go back to those times and re-ignite things.
Someone suggested a massage, that is a great idea....but you have to go slow, see if she's in the mood, don't get angry if she doesn't want sex.
BUT you could whisper in her ear how sexy she is and how bad you want her.
You have to make her feel like she's a hot piece of meat that you want...get her stirred up.

It's not salvageable, it's just going to take some work.

You know what turns her on the most, do it!!

 

Thanks for all the great tips guys....I will certainly take any advice given if it makes things better. I hate feeling distance in a relationship and its important to make changes to keep the longevity of the relationship going.