Marriage gone bad

The damage is done. You've been through a lot, but sometimes there's no going back. There just isn't enough love. You'll have to let her go.

 

I agree with all the posters who suggested getting therapy & whatever help is available.. to lose two babies is about as bad as it gets.. I wish you both all the best..

 

You're right, if she doesn't want your marriage to work it doesn't matter what you do. However, by doing everything you can think of to try to save it, if it ends you will know you tried.

Friends can be the death of a good relationship that has hit a rocky spot. If they were friends they would learn to hold off on the 'dump his/her ass' and listen, and try to offer constructive advice. Even if you deserve to be dumped, it needs to be her choice...not theirs. Perhaps you could ask your wife if the both of you could stop listening to destructive advice...and seeing where things go.

Patience, sincerity and consistency are the three things you need to be focusing on. Patient for things to change, sincerity in your actions, and being consistent with trying to fix things. Good luck.

One final thing....Ask yourself if you were her...what would you do? Be honest with yourself. Would you stay if she had the same anger issues, etc? You don't have to tell me. It just helps to see someone else's perspective in things....

 

I know that marriage isn't easy, and I'm working on patience and all that. I've always been sincere in my actions toward her even when those actions were mean or angry. I dunno I just value honesty over civility I suppose. I need to change and I will, I just hope that she continues to have the patience to wait for it, and understands that it won't be something that happens over night. It takes a lot of effort to change one's tendencies, be they good or bad.

As to what I'd do in her shoes, I suppose I'd be in the same boat as her. I did admittedly treat her like hell for a lot of our married life and I completly understand why she feels the way she does. Don't get me wrong I never hit her or anything but mental abuse (such as yelling and arguing) is often more profound in it's effects than any physical.

 

It seems like your head is in the right space, and you are trying to mend things. I hope it works out for you. Good luck.

 

A very telling remark. It sounds like she doesn't trust that you've truly resolved your anger issues. Anger, like alcoholism, is something that's very, very difficult to get past on your own. I hope you can find a counselor you're comfortable with and work through this. It's going to take a lot of effort on your part. The biggest advantage you have going for you is you seem very motivated. That's good, but you have to follow through on it.

And I know from watching a couple of close friends over the years that there's no pain in this life worse than burying your kids. But it doesn't mean your marriage can't survive. Of course it can survive. But you have to work through it together.

Well, it shouldn't be hard, either. If it's so all-fired hard, what's the point of it? I was married for 35 years and at the end of the day, being married to him was the easiest thing I had to do. Are you each other's best friends? Are you each other's refuge from the world? Do you share the same fundamental, core values? I see so many young couples who think that because they like the same kind of music, that means they're compatible. Taste in music is not a core value.

And most important of all, can you deal with everyday life things and little conflicts that pop up, without getting annoyed or angry with each other? Your conflict-resolution skills are so important, because if you can sit down and discuss things in an adult way, and find a solution to them that works for both of you, then you can get through anything. A good counselor can help with this, also.

The best of luck to you

 

Have you discovered where your anger is coming from? I was married for 16 years when I found out how bad of a husband I was. No loss of children or anything that major, but I was angry a lot. In my situation, it turned out my wife had been distant causing me to act out on the lonliness. I was going through rough patches with no back up support. During my "anger management" class, I found out why i had been left alone to my own misory. She had been cheating on my for several years. Things became very clear at that point. I kicked her to the curb so quickly it made my Lawyer's head spin.
Talk about why you are angry and directing it towards your wife. It may be just because she is the closest person to you and you need that outlet and she may not be able to handle it. There may be other reasons as well. Communication to the Nth degree will always bring out everything in the long run. Good luck.

 

It's weird that you made a post like this, yet your wife posts on this site too, doesn't she?

I'm confused...

 

First of all, I want to tell you how sorry I am for all of your losses. I can't even imagine the pain you are going through.

I think the most important thing is for you to recognize that your not dealing with your emotions in a healthy way. I know people that every emotion comes out in anger. If you are sad, hurt, scared it all comes out in anger because you are angry that you are feeling that way and you don't know any other way to express yourself. You need to get some help for yourself. Some grief counseling to help you properly express your emotions and that will probably take care of most of your anger problems.

You need to do everything you can to make sure your wife knows that you want help and you want to do what needs to be done to get yourself better so you can be a better man and husband to her. I think that's all she's asking. She's also dealing with the loss of her children and then dealing with your anger issues on top of it is a lot for someone. I don't think it would hurt for you to seek couples therapy as well as singles therapy so both of you can get your feelings out to someone that is neutral.

I hope everything works out for you. It seems like you realize the error of your ways and you really love your wife.

 

My wife understands that I need to talk to other people sometimes. That and I doubt she's found this thread. But either way I did tell her about it. Not in the habit of keeping secrets.
Oh and thanks for all the good vibes guys