Should I go see my mother?

There are ALL types of people in this world. Most are probably decent and caring folks. Some are not good people. Some of them have never been good people. Some of them WILL NEVER BE GOOD PEOPLE. Unfortunately it's just as easy for bad, soul-sucking people to bring children into their world and consequently make that world a miserable, horrible, ongoing experience for the children. Sound familiar? We can't pick out parents, otherwise I'm sure you would have picked some that were loving and caring, as I mentioned. Equally as unfortunate--your parents are not good people at all, ( maybe dad ?) according to your story. You are not fooled by their actions. You explained them to us clearly.

Those people are DETRIMENTAL to your life and you recognize the fact. It HAS been and WILL be the same until the day they die. I think what you need to focus on, is that as we go through our lives, we take many blows to the chin, as it were, and then we supposedly learn by changing our behaviour to find a solution that would benefit us, instead of harming us. You have been warned/paid the consequences over and over again and you are continuing to question whether you should keep doing so?? If you continue in this way--will you continue to suffer? I believe you will. I also believe that you should confine any communication with your mother --BY MAIL ONLY. Do not ruin the other parts of your life by this. If people--parents included--treat you badly--do you continually take it?? I sure didn't.

 

Will someone who gave me a thumbs down come back and explain why they disagree, please. Thank you.

 

dont let her "allow" anything

you seemed to have missed my whole point

 

I agree with Bbad.. it'll be a shock to your mother when you say you need to stay elsewhere for the sake of your health & sanity, but she will come to accept the new situation, & know that you can wave goodbye when the going gets rough (though hopefully go back next day).. could you put it all in writing & ask how she feels about it? She's a very damaged soul, & I don't think she'll change, but you really NEED to take care of yourself..

 

This is my first post, and I suppose I ought to do the introduction post somewhere else first, but your post really, REALLY resonates with me. I am close to your age and my mother is about the same age as yours too. My mother has abused me in many of the same ways you mention, and continues to do so to this day, if I allow it. I really understand when you say she won't allow you to stay in a hotel, abusive mothers really have a way about them.

All the same, please, please, do not endanger your own mental health and well being by seeing her. I know from experience how draining it can be, when I used to visit for just 3 days it would take weeks for me to feel better again. I understand the ramifications of telling a person like this "no", they won't come to see anything because of their mental illness.

I know that my own mother will not change and that to maintain my own mental health i have to minimize contact with her, and that conversation will be an absolute pit of negativity, blame, accusations, lies, and nastiness, all delivered with an extra helping of venom, but it will happen. I used to think that I was strong enough to "handle being around her" that I could maintain my carefully cultivated positive outlook, and I could not. And it took a long time of depression before it dawned on me that I shouldn't have to gear up that way to be around anyone, let alone a parent! Depression is contagious, and abusive parents can trigger you in ways no one else can, it's far too easy to fall back down.

I wish you well, however you choose ((hugs))

 

Thank you again for all the reactions.

I understood about the not letting her allow me anything. Well, I think I did. But the fact is that I'm fragile. Last time I've had a confrontation with her, I've seen so much pain in her I'm hurt attitude. I felt guilty, dropped on my knees in front of her and asked for forgiveness.

I know how pathetic is sounds, but this is because I'm ill in my mind, a consequence of the upbringing with a person like her. I know it isn't normal to do that and I know I'm being manipulated. I know. But I still can't control my strong reaction. It is so strong, if I had not apologized to her, kissed her hands, showed my love... I don't know. It hurts too much.

Many years ago, my husband was taken away from me and I thought I'd never see him alive again. It only lasted hours, thankfully. But I was deeply affected by it. Nowadays, I always think bad things happen to us. When I'm with a person, I have this feeling I might never see that person again. This has aggravated my relationship with problems. If I have a conflict, I have to solve it immediately. I can't bear to try to go to sleep with it. I need to constantly tell people that I love them. I can't see them sad.

You tell me to look for help. I do. I'm not ashamed to go see a psychiatrist. I do it. When things are really bad, I call a suicide helpline, I go see a doctor. I tell people around me I can't deal with stress and I need to isolate me for some time till I recuperate. But only the people here, like my husband, my in-laws and friends. In my country, I can't do it. Because I have the impression they're all a lot more messed up than myself.

My childhood was so complicated. And I'm aware some of you have lots of issues too, so, forgive me if I'm imposing and complaining for something you think is small in comparison to other people's problems. The last doctor I've seen, when I talked about my mother and these problems, she started to talk about how common it was, manipulative mothers.

But on a positive note, I live very, very far from my family. There is literally an ocean between us. I avoid all problems, because I can't deal with stress. I think I suffer from PTSD from my childhood and from what happened to my husband. If everything is OK, no problems, nothing out of the ordinary, I'm OK. I'm a very happy person, actually. I suffer no lack of self-esteem and I do lots of fantastic things with and in my life.

The only problem is that I can't handle confrontation, stress, trouble. So, I make my life perfect and controlled. I don't know if it is OCD. I have an OCD with cleaning, but I don't know if I have others.

I know my mother loves me. It's just that she's mentally ill. I did consider cutting our relations, but never seriously. I love her and she needs my love. She has no self-esteem. She needs other people's love to feel good about herself.

Thank you all very much for your replies.

 

Book Yourself Into A Hotel/Motel, Then Visit Her, And

When Things Start To Get Awkward, Say You Have Some Shopping

To Do, Or You Have Some Kind Of Appointment, Then Give Her

A Peck On The Cheek And Say I'll See You Tomorrow...



Cheers Glen.

 

About post 22---coward!

 

I didn't disagree with your post, nor with any of the posts of this thread. I didn't give you a negative comment on anything, nor a thumbs down.

 

Scratcho is saying that to whoever gave him a thumbs down on his post. He is not talking to you.

 

Ahh, the good ole emotional blackmail on ones own freakin kid eh? Charming.

Just cos they are your parents doesnt mean you are going to get on with them, have anywhere near similar personalities, or anything in common. And cos they are older certainly doesnt mean they are wiser.

Doesnt sound like she's ever going to change, she sounds rather toxic, and if you are talking about getting Ulcers from just being around her...just cut the cord

 

You only know what parts of that are true if you've seen them with you own eyes.

In my case, its not my mother, shes great, tis my dad thats the crazy one. We havent said a word to each other since I was 21 and he's mad as a hatter. I got fed a lot of this kind of baloney when I was younger, only to work out later almost all of it bullshit, grew up rathe well to do really. He was the middle child, the slow one and teased a lot for it, older sister got all the attention and his little brother was smart and went on to the navy then fire brigade, copy all the things his dad (my grandad did), thus assumed the little brother was the favourite.

Before he died, his father, my grandad, had a little chat with me. That he was always like this, and they knew early, on the dumb side and easily frustrated and angry because of this, teased because of this, and used to throwing tantrums as the only way to get attention, behaviours that are still at the forefront today.

So what your mother claim about her childhood, more likley its about what didnt happen to her than what did, Especially if she's alwayd using emotional blackmail to get attention and she has to put everyone down.

Another thing too. I ended up turning out pretty much a carbon copy of my grandfather in looks and personality, a mini me version of the guy he grew up blaming everything for.

Stuff like that doesnt even register when you are younger, and if you never even met your mothers mothers, hard to see how that factors in, or not even her mother, her grandmother or an aunt. If you are very similar to a relative she grew up hating, and may not be even be consciously aware of it. ..well.

When I was a teen I just assumed it was the gay thing, or me being me, can be confrontational just for the fun of it. But later on realised it was more about not turning out like him, ending up more like his little brother he always hated for getting more attention, more like his father he was too used to throwing tantrums at


Anyhoo, this is some wisdom here:

Your mother was always going to be like that, from whence she was a little girl, mostly by what she learned as a little girl, whether she had had a supposedly shitty childhood or whether she had the warmest, safest, cuddliest childhood possible