Wife Experiences With Ex's But Won't Try With Husband

Please be careful taking advice from people and consider the sources before doing something rash like considering divorce over this.

 

Hi Happy,

Divorce isn't a consideration. I made a vow and I'm sticking to it. You don't throw in the towel over such an issue... and we will get through it one way or another. I'm hoping one day she will see things differently and agree.

There was another post which said to tie her up, do it, and a number of other things... well there is a word for that - 'Rape'.

Yes I am prepared to have a few hard discussions with her. I agree the past is the past and should largely stay there. That being said... she chose me as her life partner, and if you can agree to try something with someone else... then you should at least afford that one person you've committed the rest of your life to, the same. That's my thoughts on it... obviously not hers.

I'm hoping that I can slowly introduce it in a non-threatening way as I had with an ex in a long term relationship. Once we got to the point where we considered trying penetration, she was just as excited to try it as I was... and it was a positive experience which she let me do every couple of months when things got a little stale. So plan is small steps...
Touch with a finger, weeks later, maybe push a little further. I just have to get her to bring down her barriers and be open to try new things (any suggestions??? a couple of glasses of wine to ease her mind?), and for her to trust that I will do this within her comfort zone. I don't think whoever did it in the past was that gentle, if it has resulted in this mindset.

 

Sounds like you're wife's been there done that and is over it and you're feeling secure because she hasn't done them with you.

When I was younger I used to clubbing almost every day of the week. These days I loathe going to the club and when I do, I usually go kicking and screaming.

But stop begging, it sounds pathetic. Maybe what you need to do is just man up and stick it in her ass!!!

 

Am over asking her to do what she has done with others or even be the person she was when we started dating. She's put one foot in the grave and has the belief that sensual fun or exploration is off limits. Accept vanilla or get out. I am not even allowed to take a picture of her from behind with her top off.
It's not a question anymore of if I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who has done a lot more with others than she will with her husband, but more like, do I really want to spend the rest of my life with someone who has little libido, passion, and sense of fun.
I would much rather she change and get a pulse back. But if not, I know it will end as I can feel myself dying inside and love diminishing with every 'No' that passes her lips.

 

.....sources such as myself?....why?.....I have way more life experience than either of you.....than both of you

dudes already saying his wife has ''one foot in the grave''.........their marriage is toast.....like I said before,,,,,,he don't suspect a thing....

sorry op.....i'd start hiding assets

 

Tough call man. I wish ya the best. I think you're either going to have to remember the reasons you married her and try to give it some time and her some space or decide what you can live with.

 

Why should a husband have to accept his partner putting in less than what she's done with others?
I can't think of a reason.

 

Because if she felt the need to not tell you about this until now and you are making a huge deal out of it...then maybe there are other things she hasn't told you about for whatever reason that make her feel the way she does towards sex. I get where you're coming from but I'm not convinced you have all the info needed to know exactly what to do yet. What if something happened that she hasn't told you about (let's say maybe she feels embarrassed or ashamed) that would make you feel like a complete ass once you found out. I don't know what has or hasn't happened but it just seems like there is something more to this issue. I really feel for ya but damn...it's tough and if you love her I suggest you try to tread lightly and try to figure this out cautiously.

 

pmarsk,

I agree with Wizardofodd, there is more to it. You didn't answer my questions before. I asked you about how well you work as a team, and what sort of things you do for each other to build intimacy (not sexual, but the interpersonal bond between just you two). The fact she was willing to discuss her past with you, shows there is some level of trust she has for you. The fact she won't let you take a picture of her exposed back, shows you're not 100% trusted. You need to keep working to gain her trust. You can do this *outside* the bedroom several ways. My fiancé listens and talks to me, he may not always give a damn about what I have to say but he does a great job pretending! This builds trust, because 1) I know he will always be there for me and 2) the secrets I tell him stay between the two of us and 3) he doesn't use past transgressions against me. So I don't have to worry about telling him something, and having him hold it against me. Which is kinda what you're doing to her.

Loosening her up with wine should be fine, so long as she's not tanked and being taken advantage of. By the sound of it, I don't believe you would do that to her anyway - just important to mention. Do you worship her body? It's possible that she's a little afraid to do more adventurous things because she feels insecure about herself or abilities. If you're praising her, and giving her body romantic kisses all over this will reassure her. It's kind of like petting and telling a scared dog "good girl good girl" over and over to ease her fears. Something that really worked for my man (and I was adamant about no anal) was kissing my ass and licking it during foreplay whenever he would go down. Depending on how he accessed either from behind or between my legs, he would lick *as much as possible* and never asked or got permission. I was really really shy about this at first, and shy to admit that I liked it but he just kept telling me it was ok and he would still see me as wholesome etc. I mean, maybe this could help you?

 

Well things have been ice today.
She refuses to see the point I am making. She is stuck in the belief that I am jealous of her ex's. I don't give a rats about her ex's. What I do have an issue is with the effort and acceptance she was willing to extend to previous partners and do things... and how she won't do those things with me... despite her choosing me as her partner for life (apparently... but will get to that in a sec).

Yesterday morning she said that she was in a rush and that we could play last night, but would have to be quiet because her brother was coming over for a few days. No problem. Last night arrives, lights out... and she decides to flatly refuse saying that she never promised. She then says that her brother will be leaving early in the morning. So once is gone. This morning comes... brother leaves. She also suggested going for a walk in the nearby rainforest. Thinking this will help... sure!
We get home after the walk. I know she wants to other things with the day, so I say, hey how about it.. then we can head off and do x,y,z. She comes back with... I said it was one or the other (i.e. sex or go for a walk). I'm like 'What?' I may confuse certain things.... but never what I would consider a promise. And I would not be passing up an opportunity for sex considering it has already been weeks. She stuck to her guns, it didn't happen... and she gets shitty because I am now in a mood about being rejected ... actually, nothing has happened for 2 weeks now despite several times when she has set an expectation... then said she didn't promise anything.
After the walk, I said I would like to take a photo of her from behind with her top off. Her response flat refusal. So I ask why not? Because she is not going to do anything like that in public (mind you the rainforest is empty and I wasn't asking or expecting her to do anything in public view - sheesh). So... I ask.. then why was it ok with your ex? She denies it, so I get the photo album which has many of those types of pictures taken and put it in front of her. She goes off on a rant about me being jealous of her ex's. As I said, it isn't her ex's, it is her choice to do things with them that she won't do with me. May as well be speaking to a brick wall on that point!
She was going to go shopping and drive in a rage. I have the car keys in my pocket, and refused to let her drive while she was so volatile. I end up driving, she half cools down and is it is all quiet in the car. Then she flares up again, screaming in the car that I am the one f'd up, that I have no right to be shitty etc.
After which I just couldn't bring myself to be near her when shopping. Struggling to even look at her. Pretending not to even hear her when walking through the shopping centre.
We eventually get home. By this stage, she has sent me several links about guys being jealous of their partners ex's. Again, I try to get it through to her that I don't feel inferior to or jealous of any of her ex's. It is what she was happy to do, try, explore with them and the attitude she had towards making a partner happy which is now absent.. to which I have an issue.
And OFF she went again. I had a laptop on my lap, she slammed it closed, punched my arm, probably would have slapped my face if I hadn't been wearing glasses. Screaming she had had enough, to get out... over and over. Well I am not going anywhere, especially under her orders.
I've made an appointment with a relationship counsellor. She has already said she will not come as none of it is her problem.

 

Yikes. So she assaulted you. That's a felony. It's domestic violence and a felony. Legal ramifications aside, its totally disrespectful!

I thought you were dealing with kind of a difficult situation, but it sounds like you're living with a tyrant nightmare. My personal opinion is that she doesn't deserve you, and you've tried to reason with her the best you could. Obviously I'm only hearing one side, but it really seems as though she isn't even your friend or in your corner. She sounds controlling, manipulative, unappreciative. I mean, seriously giving you the option of either going on a walk or sex (like any guy is going to choose walking for Gods sake) - then deciding for you that you would go on the walk. Thats like cruel…and torture. The fact you even have to get a deal / negotiate for sex is ridiculous. Two loving partners should want to do it. Definitely try to protect yourself as best you can in terms of assets etc, because when things get nasty like this the relationship can go beyond repair. Once separation ensues, "things" and possessions become a major issue and one party is left feeling shafted. I'm divorced, sex was never an issue for us (I married too young and he just wasn't the one), money became a huge reason for battle in our divorce. I wasn't adequately prepared to deal with it so I ended up giving up a lot just to get it over with.

Anyway I'm really sorry you're going through this. I would be really pissed if I were you.

 

people change.
There are things my wife won't let me to do her anymore. She just said "we don't like doing that anymore"

 

Yeah but she's being all all out bitch to him. That's not right.

Edit: And using sex as a tool for oppression!

 

ok I went back and read more then the original post. I guess I'm glad my wife isn't a bitch

 

This thread should have been titled "My wife and I no longer have sex because our relationship lacks love and respect- please help".

The truth is, you're asking about how to get her to have more adventurous sex when the real obstacle is getting her to have any type of sex with you.

When you let love leave the bedroom, and focus just on sex…you have these types of problems. You guys aren't making love to each other, you're just looking to fuck her. And you can't tell me thats false because if it were - you'd be more concerned with the fact that she is repulsed by the idea of sex let alone anal and past experiences. Your focus should be, getting her to express her love in a sexual sense and then let it flow.

I still feel bad for you, and I am not excusing her behavior by any means. But you guys have a really big problem with being loving toward each other. If you love each other, why aren't you two showing it? Complain over the fact you feel unloved, not undersexed. I'm spent for now, I really don't have anything else to offer at this point except - the issues go beyond the bedroom between the two of you.

I just read elsewhere that your wife only wants to have sex during ovulation - because she is trying to get pregnant with you. Oy…. You sure you want to bring a child into this situation?

 

I can guarantee that if sex is to happen any time soon... I will be making sure it isn't on those days. I've seen a close friend be victim to his ex wife who got pregnant, then ended it all. Now he is paying maintenance and she is eligible to get social security payments.

As for me. I am off to see a counsellor. The other half sees this as a good thing... but doesn't believe she needs to go at all. That would logically doom any attempts to failure as it takes two to....
Can't say I am not trying

 

Dude...there is so much to comment on here. You guys have some fucking serious problems and I wouldn't be too quick to put it all on her. I can tell you right now that you are playing this all wrong and only making things worse. Seriously. Shut up! Just stop talking about this altogether for a bit.

 

Did she ever explicitly say that she was happy and willing to do these things?
Are you absolutely positive that she's not denying you because they were very bad experiences?

I agree, she's not reacting in the proper manner. and a husband and wife should be able to openly discuss things in a better way, even if it does still lead to the answer no. Sounds like counseling is in order.

You might just have to accept vanilla in the end. It's not the end of the world. If you're not jealous of the other guys, don't be jealous of what they got to do

 

Counselling has begun. Fortunately she is following my lead and also going to start shortly.