Wife Experiences With Ex's But Won't Try With Husband

Agreed, I would not put up with that as a guy. Because it implies insecurity in the woman I'm with.

But I understand WHY women do this and it all has to do with psychology's classical conditioning, of certain acts that the women associates as negative.


So for instance if a woman did act A, in the past context of being degraded or attaining self worth she didn't have then or doesn't have now, performing that act(s), even with a different person is wired in her brain to bad emotions which shuts down the possibility to find performing the said act in a different situation with someone else.


It's an emotional poison spillover, from the past to the present. It can't be solved without her fixing out her traumas (yes I think it is a form of emotional trauma).

It is the past haunting the present and the future.

And guys are right it doesn't make sense, but they have to understand how the brain works emotionally and how certain memories, emotions, have a hard time being disassociated from each other.

It is sometimes easier to chase a new life, and I think people who pursue a married life do so in the context of disassociation of ANYTHING which includes certain sex acts that remind them of their past sorrows or shame.

Unfortunately this robs the partner (stereotypically the male partner) from certain things in the marriage and resentment forms and often a divorce occurs with both sides interpreting the other side is selfish for placing WANTS over compassion.


(Disclosure: I've had relationships that have failed because the damage was too extensive).


Typically the male feels angry (I know I was) that he has to deal with the consequences of someone else's actions upon someone he cares about.

And typically the woman doesn't get why the man can't understand she just can't do whatever it is that's being requested because she'll break emotionally, even if she understands logically that a different person is performing the said act.

Men see it as a lack of devotion or willingness to tackle a challenge in the long term path of the relationship OR they get it and cave and don't press the issue.

 

To add to this, I think their is a grain of truth about you being jealous over her ex's.


To the original poster, I think you associate certain sexual acts with a certain level of emotional trust. Love and trust is commonly expressed and felt through such physical means.

You are probably jealous of her other ex's and the bravado she could display for them, but not for you. You internally feel that in some way this means she was EMOTIONALLY And physically closer to them than to you.

Do not deny your jealousy, but explain to her why it exists and why you don't think it's a petty jealousy that purely is about physical acts.
It is then compounded by the angry shouting matches and silent treatment and threats on your character from her that follows.

Instead try to ask her why she feels or reacts the way she does. Does she even know herself or is it in her subconscious that you two should go to therapy for and workout together.

 

Not sure if your response is directed at me entirely but I advocated staying within the marriage while others were saying the opposite. The only time I will draw the line is when people become physically abusive because home girl don't play that.

Up until recently, she was unwilling to discuss the problems or go to counseling. In fact she didn't even recognize them, she was putting the blame on her husband. So he was in a stalemate, rendered helpless.

 

I think he did explain his jealousy to her. It's worth trying again though, if it were me in her shoes.. it would make sense. Honestly I think I would be sympathetic and willing to try it as a testament of my love and devotion.

 

pmarsk can you update us? how is counseling or have you been yet?

 

Oh agreed physical violence is definitely a line in the sand to end it.

But at least she opened up after her tantrum, to TRYing therapy which deserves a shot.

---
Because this type of thing is very common from my perspective, I was speaking generally and also responding to everyone else here who we're saying they couldn't understand the OP's or his girl's perspective and I was throwing out possible trains of thought running through both perspectives that feed into the drama the OP describes.

 

I hear you re: how did that previous experience go. I am a very gentle lover and have tried a number of things with partners which couldn't be achieved with a simple decision being made to try.
In my single days, I even had a partner who I had a casual relationship with and who I knew had several other lovers (yes we practiced safe sex). She had an operation down there and after 9 week of abstinence recovering, she actually chose me because she knew I would be gentle.
Getting back to the anal thing. I don't think it was a positive experience for her. So I do have to tread lightly. That being said, she was willing with that partner and did say, quote 'It was something they both wanted to try'.
No I am not fixated on anal sex. What it is though, is indicative of her general attitude towards sex. My frustration being she says she can't orgasm, and is also unwilling to explore/try new things in the hope of finally getting her over the line (yes she can orgasm quickly with her vibrator... which she only does in private. Not the best scenario for a lifetime relationship).

Counselling has started. I've had 2 sessions. The majority of it has been about me. Concentrating on who I am and want to be, rather than trying to be what she wants me to be. Her first session is tomorrow and I expect much of it will be the same. The psych obviously has some other inputs about her character, e.g. anger issues, controlling, uncompromising, father issues, a lot more, and yes... wants to explore the whole... why for previous partners, yet not the man you've committed yourself to ... as long as you both do live.

I'm not too comfortable with the counsellor continually throwing around the option of leaving. Yes, I know it is always an option. But I made a commitment and in my mind, the only option is for us to move forward. Only thing that would change that in my mind is if the wife says that she no longer loves me and doesn't want to try for a better future. In which case I'm certainly not going to kid myself and would be out the door within a couple of weeks to work on myself some more and armed with the knowledge that I am going to learn from the experience.

As for my not wanting to have children with her while the relationship is like this, the counsellor agrees with me... that's a no-brainer.

There probably are better women for me out there. But I don't love them, and I've made a commitment to myself with this one.

 

Just relax and take a deep breath. This is a team effort. Right now, you guys don't even sound like you're mostly on that same team. So worry about that first.

 

Oh... and yes, the counsellor is going to have to manage the wife's attitude of 'none of it is my fault'.
There are also a couple of other things she also constantly throws in my face which were declared as early as our early dating days. i.e. I already have a child (she actually knew about my son on day 1... after all, he is one of the best things in my life and I am certainly not going to or even think I should have to hide that fact). One thing the wife does struggle with is dealing with the ex (mother of son). That being said, I have told her to stay out of any correspondence/management issues/negotiations, but she keeps putting herself in it.

Anyway, we are way off topic here.

If we do stay in a relationship, I think there will be quite a few layers of the onion that the psych will have to peel back before we get to some of the core causes of my wife's behaviours. That's assuming my wife is honest in what she says, and is open to change (something to date she doesn't think she has to do). So it will be interesting if she can make that jump in EQ/self awareness.

So the wife sees the counsellor tomorrow, and then we have a joint session next week. Hopefully we'll start building a better life where we both take ownership of the good and bad, not just laying blame on me for the things she doesn't like about her own life.

 

The two of you should have known ALL of this before you even got married.
I can't believe you didn't ask her these questions before hand.
You should know each other inside and out.
I was just shocked that you said you were married several years and you just now have asked her these questions about her sex life.

For me, I want to know everything! Kind of like when you buy something nice at the store, you read all of the instructions and the warranty, you get to know the product and how to use it...how it breaks down and how to fix it.
A woman shouldn't keep secrets from her husband --- you 'found' pictures in the attic, I think you wrote. How ...what??? You should know all of these things.
Sounds like there's a gap between you two.

I also think she should aim to please. You are her husband and she should take care of you sexually and romantically in every way.
I understand your complaints there, if she's not trying to be sexy for you, she needs to step up her game.
And she needs to stop keeping things from you.

 

I think you're right about this. I'm really sorry to hear about the situation, I know what its like to live with a family member who has layers and layers of issues involving deflection, blame, and not taking personal accountability. I can only imagine the disappointment one faces when they encounter this situation with a spouse. After all, a spouse is someone we pick - a family member isn't.

You have a long road ahead of you. I'm sure you understand it will require more compromise. And maybe you will grow from this.

I'm sorry you are with someone who has difficulty expressing their emotions, and love for you. I imagine that must be really lonely and painful. I hope in the end, your bond will be strengthened by the problems. But if its not, then you seek happiness and take more time and care finding a partner in the future - cover all bases and truly know the person next time.

Obviously there may not be a next time, because you really want to work it out. To that I want to say, maybe consult a different counselor? Someone who is more focused on saving marriages than psycho analyzing people. There are people who genuinely appreciate the sanctity of marriage, you should surround yourself with them. I would walk out of any session where a counselor implied separation a second time. Once, ok for legal / safety purposes to create a neutral zone to speak or whatever. But to constantly remind me would seem like they were prodding and that wouldn't sit well with me. It's almost like they plant a seed, and then slowly sow it. It happens so passively that over time you don't realize it - then one day - you have full grown problem.

In any case I think your'e really trying and I commend you for that.

This kind of reminds me of that Lana Del Rey song - Young and Beautiful. She's like, "will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful? Will you still love me when I've got nothing but my aching soul?" Unconditional love is one of the most powerful things we can ever be so lucky to have.

 

I didn't read 5 pages of replies, so some of what I write may have already been covered.

As for anal sex, it seems to be a love or hate thing with many women. Some women love it, some absolutely hate it. It doesn't make them right or wrong for how they feel, it is a personal choice. If she had anal in the past, it may have been a lousy experience for her that she never wants to repeat. (There are numerous posts of Hip about horrifying anal experiences. Why? Because some people have no clue how to perform anal without causing pain and mental distress on their partners...which screws up the whole idea of anal intercourse for the recipient) Chances are you won't get her to change her mind if that is the case.

As for sexy pictures, lingerie, etc. She may not feel attractive anymore or want to pose. What's fun in your 20s and 30s isn't always as thrilling once 40 hits for a lot of people.

Another possibility, and I know several women who feel this way, is that they were sexually adventurous in their younger years, but as they got older what they had done started making them feel objectified and used. Perhaps she was coerced into doing some of the things in her past that you wished she would do with you now, and it upsets her. Perhaps she was insecure and felt the only way to get a man's attention was to be a sexual dynamo. None of that makes her bad per se, but it is understandably frustrating for you.

As an example: My husband was married to a woman, who before they were married was his dream come true when it came to sex. They did all of the freaky things he could dream up, as often as they could. They got married, and within months she was no longer interested in sex. (He went months at times without sex, and had to beg for it when he did get it) Her reason for the sudden change: She told him that she felt used by the men in her past, and was thankful to have him because she no longer felt like she had to 'prostitute' herself for a man's affection. So his porn star partner turned into a nightmare prude....just because they got married and she felt comfortable denying him sex.(I have talked to her, so I know both sides of their story...not just taking my husband's word for it)

So instead of thinking you are being denied forbidden pleasures OP, perhaps in your therapy sessions you will figure out why she is holding back. Try not to take it personally, because chances are it has very little to do with you...but a lot to do with her past. It would also help if you stopped worrying about what she did in the past, because people change. Imagine how she feels opening up to you about her past sexual history, and it's now an issue in your marriage. There is something seriously wrong with the notion of "You let him screw you in the ass, why won't you let me?"

I am not suggesting she is blameless in your marriage, but she is not the only one to blame for the problems you seem to be having. Based on the posts I did read, you are both adding fuel to the fire. I hope that therapy helps, and you are able to work out your issues. If not, perhaps each of you will get to know yourselves better, and avoid making the same mistakes with your next partner(s).

I do wish you and your wife the best. Good luck.

 

Well she said, quote 'they both wanted to try it'. So I don't think she was coerced to do something she didn't want to.
As for taking pics. I found digital prints taken a year before I arrived on the scene. Can I get her to do the same? Not a hope in hell. Her rule is 'Any pic has to be Facebook Friendly'.
I mentioned this to the counsellor, and even she was visibly taken aback.

The wife is with the counsellor as I write this. I wonder if there will be any change? I hope so... esp in the anger management dept.

She also doesn't experience orgasms with me (or any previous partner if I can believe that), and prefers to use her toy in private. It must be getting a bit of use as the chrome has been worn off it in one spot. There has to be something going on in that head, and I don't buy it that she has no libido given the evidence to the contrary. Yep... it has to be a 'Me' thing...

 

I still maintain that there is something about you that she doesn't trust. You may or may not remember me saying that before. And it had to do with the pics, but this furthers it even more.

As told you before, when I stopped having sex with my ex - it had nothing to do with my libido. It was a decision I made based on our exchanges. I no longer trusted myself to be vulnerable with him and share my feelings. Now, you can read back to my post but I don't want you to infer any negative ideas that I blame you. Because I think her issues are deeper than that, given you are married and she has no desire to pleasure herself with you. I also find it very very strange that she masturbates in private and refuses to share this with you.

I believe trust is the issue. Where it stems from, I don't know. I believe it is something that has festered within her for a long time. Consider the fact she has never orgasmed with anyone. That requires a release of emotion, a person has to experience and share them with another. The only emotion she seems comfortable with is anger - because that keeps people at bay. It's also pretty well known that anger masks fear. Trust diminishes fear.

 

I don't believe I specified she was coerced into anal, just that if it was not an enjoyable experience she would be unlikely to want to do it again with you, or anyone else. My suggestion was basically that if, in the past, she did sexual things for men that she herself wasn't really into, but did it anyways to please her partner, it could be what is causing her to be so close-minded now. (I have seen it many times when I was a therapist.)

If she is pleasuring herself in private, it could be that she likes her privacy and no distractions, it could be that sex makes her feel emotionally vulnerable, it could be any number of reasons. Just because she is wearing the chrome off her toy doesn't mean she is hiding anything from you, or lying about her libido. She may be using the toy to try to find a way to orgasm, in private. Some toys, like chrome, wear off the finish relatively quickly...especially cheaper models.

It can be hard to admit that orgasm is an issue, and not all people feel comfortable working through it with their partners. For some, it is incredibly embarrassing, and the issue is compounded when a partner doesn't seem to understand why they can't achieve an orgasm. Many people believe that all women are capable, and that is simply not true. There are many women who can never achieve orgasm for no other reason than they just can't. There is nothing 'wrong' with them, they just cannot orgasm. Those women often have to learn alternate ways to feel pleasure, and find an understanding partner who does not insist that orgasm = she enjoyed sex.

I do hope that therapy is able to help you both come to terms with your individual issues, as well as your joint ones. For some people therapy is an eye-opening experience and changes their life. For others it is an invasion into their privacy. How either of you use the therapy really is an individual choice.

 

Lol.

is this guy still crying because his wife wont let him do her the butt?

 

Why do you say that?

She's been willing to divulge other information that risked making you unhappy and jealous, why would she hold that back?

 

What if someone said that same course of argument but the issue was vaginal, more vanilla sex, than opposed to anal sex.

Face it, there are certain sex acts that are staples to a relationship, which if they're absent the relationship will fall apart, even the bible has scripture to indicate this phenomena, it's not new.

Also foods and stuff are a constant, but sex if you have a different partner can be completely non-comparable to the past partner because factors like technique, and size, and the emotional bonds behind the relationship are different.