How to confront cheating wife?

Like I said, it could be regarded as a way of making her pay but if it was me I would avoid her for my own purposes. If I would actually feel like making my SO pay or getting even or taking revenge after she cheated on me I would get much more creative.
But to be honest, what really triggered my button was when OP said they were discussing seperating and she was considering staying another year. I guess she thinks he's still clueless...

 

See the only thing I see wrong with this, is its her home too. Even if she has disrespected the "sanctity" the roof provides the two of them within the confines of their marriage. From a human survival standpoint, this would be very offensive to me.

And I say this, with the understanding that I would be furious and heart broken if someone put me in this man's position. So though it would be difficult for me to let my cheating spouse sleep in the house until better arrangements were made - I feel like it would be indecent to do otherwise.

 

I never said he had to forgive her. How is calling her a bitch, and changing the locks putting him in the best position? She's the adulterer and he has proof. He already has the upper hand in the eyes of the courts.

 

I was actually in a similar situation for a year before I began dating my fiancé. Part of me was not ready to make a move out into the world on my own, I had lived with my ex for over two years. I'm a home-body. I love being at home, its my sanctuary so uprooting my life and the idea of laying my head in a new place was very frightening. While I'll admit having one foot in and one foot out is selfish, its just what people do sometimes.

 

Wanted to rep this Mama but I have to spread.

Yesss! I agree 100%. I don't know how many arguments I've been in at work because everybody talks about teaching someone a lesson or getting revenge. People cheat for a reason. If it's your fault let it go, let them go be happy and get on with your life. If it's their fault because they just can't be faithful, let it go and go your separate ways because it is not going to get any better - people are who they are. People make mistakes.

:2thumbsup:

Again I agree.
You get nowhere with revenge or other childish behavior. Walk away with self respect and the knowledge that everyone screws up and you alone decide how other people's actions affect you.

 

I agree, there are only one or two things that could bring me to make such a decision. It's still better than literally kick her out. But I will admit I'd probably not be busy looking at it from any human survival standpoint... I would think she has at least one other place to go to.

 

its was never about having the upper hand or being the bigger person. Just I wanted to have my facts straight before I were to go ahead with the confrontation because she has a great way of manipulating things to where she's wrong but its my fault. To a certain extent this ordeal may be my fault, to what I dont know.

we rent a house and just randomly changing the locks have to go thru the landlord.

 

Yeah, the lockchanging isn't the solution

 

Getting the facts straight, is a very wise move.

 

Okay... sorry, I wasn't sure exactly which posts you were referring to.

 

Ya I get you, the heat of the moment sometimes makes me do things I wouldn't normally if I weren't upset.

My ex handled it extraordinarily well too, I will add. He knew I was seeing my fiancé while still living there because I told him so. I never spoke to my fiancé in the house while my ex was home either. Really, we were broken up for about 7 months before my fiancé and I began dating and growing close. I mostly sought solace in my fiancé because my ex was such a monster at times. Thats totally why he tolerated my new relationship because he felt guilty for the way he had been to me in the past. I will say because my ex exhibited so much kindness and generosity toward my transition and our break up, that he could count on me as a lifelong friend to call if he needed.

Edit: I will add - my ex and I made great living partners. Or roommates, per say. But horrible lovers.

 

I'm glad someone else realizes this . I don't know if you've been in this situation before, but it's usually people that have walked that road (either by being the offender of the victim) that have the best advice.

 

I really don't think this is in any way your fault. The whole 'you drove me to it' argument is manipulative and wrong... nobody cheats for a 'good' reason, even if it's somewhat possible to understand why they might have done it.

 

I also think there's a difference between plain deducting that there are reasons that brought a person to cheat and placing blame onto the person that didn't cheat for bringing the cheater to do it.

 

Exactly this.

It doesn't matter what your spouse is doing... there are so many other ways to let them know you're unhappy that don't involve cheating. Some people even have honest, open conversations.

 

Indeed, you could seperate before deciding to cheat. That's how I play anyway.

 

I've been neither but I have known several people who have gone through it. I've seen it go kinda bad and I've seen it go really bad. It's best for everyone when everyone is civil.

 

I don't think anyone is trying to justify what she did. We can all agree what she did was wrong. This thread isn't questioning the morality of cheating, it's discussing how he should handle/react to the situation.

 

I agree, to hold someone guilty and punish them intentionally inflicting pain on them is wrong. Because at the end of the day, the cheater should get up and get going / just leave. Im not saying its ok to do it, just that I understand how it can happen.

But life is complicated. My circumstance was that my ex moved me across the country to start a life and get married. I gave up everything for this. My home, all my furniture (I only took clothes), my car, my job of 7 years… to move to a place I knew no one but him. And I did this because his job would be better off this way. For a long time, through emotional and some physical abuse he had me crippled. I had no job, no one to turn to in the city, and imagine living with someone (who also worked from home) who constantly put you down. You would be really depressed, at least I was. I went from being super confident, to not being able to look at people in the eye. I would walk with my head down and shy away from people. Finally, I mustered the confidence to get a job and thats what really helped me gain confidence back - talking with coworkers and having SOMEONE to laugh with. Talking with my fiancé, helped me cope and it was months before anything romantic or physical came into the picture. So for my ex to feel guilty for doing this to me, I have no problems with that. He should feel guilty for treating someone that way.

Edit: So for me to judge and cast the finger toward one of them as guilty / innocent. Is hard. Right now I believe the OP's marriage needs to be assessed. He needs to have a conversation with his wife to see if the marriage is salvageable. I knew when my relationship was beyond repair. And then decide how to move forward. Dwelling on "who dunnit" who is wrong doesn't allow the healing process to begin.

 

:iagree: