Considering breaking up

My fiance and I have been having a lot of problems lately. I've been worried about where our life is going. We've been together about 3 1/2 years. For the first year and a half, I lived at home and he lived with his grandmother, and on-and-off his mom as well (whenever she had nowhere else to go because she's an alcoholic). For the second year and a half, I lived with all three of them in Miami (about a half hour away from my home) in a one bedroom apartment because things were going badly with my mom and we had a falling out. It was horrible there but I had nowhere else to go because my mom and I were not on speaking terms. My fiance and I were still very close at this point.

Everything started to change when we moved to Melbourne, 3 hours away from Miami. His mom went to rehab, and his grandmother and him and I moved into a two bedroom. All of his extended family lives up here and I thought it would be great but it turned badly fast. Everyone said jobs were easy to get up here and that was just not true. I had one temp job in the six months we've been here. My fiance worked the temp job as well, only because they were literally hiring everybody. So when the job ended, everyone started getting on our backs about the job search. Not just like suggesting places we should apply, more like shoving it down our throats and telling us we're useless and not doing enough. Even though I do everything around here while grandma watches tv and my fiance plays video games.

Our sex has dwindled to once or twice a week and half the time I'm not even into it. I stopped initiating so this is what I get. I'm on Monster, CareerBuilder, and Craigslist every day looking for work. In the last month I had two interviews and he's had nothing. He keeps buying things, small purchases. But small purchases add up when all you have is 220 dollars to your name. I have even less than that and I don't spend shit. He says he's not going to stop buying small things because why should he be miserable and have money for nothing? I don't want to treat him like everyone else does because they're just cruel. But I do want to tell him to stop being a child and work harder for what he wants. What we want. I want to make enough to move the hell out of here and not rely on other people.

I talked to my mother, and at this point her, my sister, and my nephew want me to come home. I'm considering it because I've changed a lot in the past year. I'm done being a child. I can't handle doing nothing all day and not making money and not being independent. My nephew goes to day care and my sister is off drugs. I have a real chance to make it without worrying about my other half and whether he's going to grow up or not. I feel like I need to be with a someone who has their shit together, or just be by myself.

The only thing holding me back is that I do love him. For the past two years we've been no further than 30 feet apart for most of the day and I don't know how I could deal with being long distance but I don't know if I can have the heart to make a clean break. I'm scared that if I choose to leave him, that I'll regret it and I know I won't be able to just come back. I've talked to him and I said that if I decide to move back in with my mom, that we could be together if he can manage to save money and move down to Hollywood. He hates it here but I'm not sure he'll do it. He's so unmotivated.

And on the other hand, I'm so unhappy 98% of the time. I miss my nephew so much. I missed him learning to talk. I speak to him on the phone and he asks me when I'm coming home and says he loves me. I just don't know what to do. I just don't think it's good for me to be here anymore. But I can't just walk away from him. We have so much history. We've been through so much together.

 

yikes..

I'm usually the one with relationship problems and now this is interesting to be on the outside and have an outsiders view and maybe be able to offer advice. I've always been an advocate for love and always believed in doing everything to stay with the person you love. I believed in chasing after love and sacrificing things for people (which it sounds like you're doing because you're away from your family). In the end, what did it get me? a broken heart..but do I regret it? I guess I'd have to say no because I gained life experiences. I experienced love.

Though my views have kind of changed recently... I've been hurt so much and heart broken so much that I think I finally decided that I should be alone and better myself. Again, sounds like something you're going through or debating whether you should do. You're trying to decide if you want to be on your own and try to find a job and what not.

So from my outsiders view, it does sound like you need a new start. You said you're un-happy. It sounds like maybe you need a break from your boyfriend.

However, I don't want you to take my advice and then regret it. Hey, but if you do break up then decide you want to be together later, can't you get back together? Love will find a way.. Maybe a break would strengthen the relationship?

but wait a minute, can't he go to california with you?

 

Not Hollywood Cali, Hollywood Florida. He would come if there were someplace for him to stay. My mom lives in a small apartment where I would live. It'd just be easier for me to thrive there. I want him and I want to go home, and I want him to try harder to get his shit together.

And what you said about trying everything to make love work is what I've been struggling with. We're engaged and I take it very seriously as a commitment. I want to be with the man I promised to be with, even if things are rocky and difficult right now. But on the other hand..

We're kind of coming to terms with the fact that I can't take this much longer. I'm probably going to move back to Hollywood and try to work it out long distance while we both do our own thing. If it doesn't work out, oh well. If it does, great. At this point I'm just trying to see how much more I can take here. I hope I get a call back from the interview I had the other day, because that would mean that I'd be making money and I can hold out here for a while longer. I wouldn't have to be home all the time and I'd be making progress. I'm good at saving money.

Thank you for the input.

 

You say you are unhappy 98% of the time! That tells me that you really need to make some changes in your life. What kind of future do you really see for yourself with someone who would rather sit around playing video games then go out and do what needs to be done to provide a real life for you two? There is more to having a lasting relationship with someone then Love.

 

1 You do love him.
2 Things are rocky and difficult right now
3 You want to honour your commitment.

These three things have only one answer- Do not break-up.

Pull yourself together, take lead, take-charge of the situation and pull him up. That's what is needed in situation here.

Running away won't solve the problem, neither it will give peace of mind to you.

Gather some courage!

 

http://www.rehabworks.org/
florida OVR occupational rehabilitation. give them a call/ both you and your hubby .. see they can help you.

get some EBT to eat. full belly worries less.

 

You have to do what is necessary to make yourself happy. I'm not telling you to break up with him or not. You have to decide that on your own. It sounds like the current situation isn't a great one. It does sound like some changes need to be made. You both need to decide if that means you are making them together or separately. I don't think leaving the current situation to improve your life is running away. Sometimes a move is necessary.

Marriage isn't easy. If you are already having doubts about it you have to think about why that is. You say that you still love him. Sometimes love isn't enough. That love also has to make you happy more than it makes you miserable. It sounds like he needs to get his shit together. If he's unwilling to do that then you need to take a serious look at your relationship. Is this something that is going to be a reoccurring problem for the rest of your lives? Is this something that is happening because maybe he's depressed, still young and a little immature?

I think its time for you to take a serious look at your life and how you want the rest of your life to be. What will it be like with this person? If you see things eventually getting better then you owe it to yourself and your fiancé to do what it takes to make it work. If you see this happening over and over in your life then you owe it to yourself to do what you have to do to make yourself happy. Good luck!

 

1) i hope you're actually going around in person and looking for jobs too. checking websites for jobs is good, but you have a better chance if you actually go out and show your face.

2) in my experience, lazy pieces of shit are lazy pieces of shit, and they don't change. a lot of people would rather sit on their asses and whine about not having any money than to actually try and get a job, and 95% of the time those people never get a job, or if they do they quit as soon as they realize that having a job involves actually, you know, doing stuff.

3) i think i've told you a few times that jumping into marriage/engagement isn't the way to go. this is potentially your second failed engagement in the last few years, isn't it? get to know the guy before forcing a commitment.

 

That's rough.

It sounds like your coming into, or trying to come into life as an independent and responsible adult. Maybe moving back home would be a good step to do that, and maybe if he decides he wants the same, he'll be able to follow you eventually.

It doesn't matter if you love him; if you let it hold you back, or if you take care of him; you will resent him for it, and your life's growth will be stunted by it.

 

^This from the Duck. I don't think you can MAKE anyone change--except yourself. At this point, it seems like you should take care of yourself and if he has the gumption to alter his life for HIMSELF--then it might work. It's hard to move on from people--loved ones or friends. Confusion and sadness are normal in a situation such as this, but you can't take a grown man to raise. If he truly loves you, he will see what he needs to do. If not----------

 

I've heard that money is the number one thing that couples argue about.

so there's the issue that neither of you has income

there's also the issue of him spending money even though you don't have money coming in

a third issue is that he doesn't seem to be very motivated.

Spending some time apart might be a good idea. If you move elsewhere and find a job, you'll be able to solve the income issue at least.

People can change, but it's not always realistic to expect that.

Things could work out if you can get a job, and you and he don't mind if he does the domestic labor. His habits with money are unlikely to change, but as long as he doesn't spend much and you have money coming in, it might not be a big problem.

There really is no right answer because there is no certain outcome. It's always possible that staying with or leaving him could be great or a disaster.

Going away for now sounds like a good idea though no matter what you do, since you can't stand things as they are, and you might have better prospects for getting a job.

hope that this all works out!

 

I'll tell you a story about my neighbors....married for a long time and for 7 years he didn't work. He's a nice guy but he just came up with every excuse he could for not working. That whole time his wife was working, taking care of the family and they were getting money from both sets of parents just to get by. He had plenty of time for his hobbies and always seemed to find money for that stuff. After all that time, he finally got a job. Guess what? He still doesn't pay any of the bills. He just uses his money for things he wants. He has bought several vehicles (including his late-model truck) without even mentioning to his wife. He just comes home with that stuff (surprise!! I have a new truck!) Their daughter wanted a cat. Mom said absolutely not...they already have 2 dogs and 2 cats. He knew what his wife thought and still took the girl to get a cat without even consulting his wife. I could go on and on.

I know for a fact that she is sick of this shit but they have 3 kids, etc, etc. I get why she stays and I know she loves him. But I bet there were signs way back before they got married that he was lazy, not very committed to bettering his family financially, inconsiderate and willing to let her be the one to foot the bill while he spent money because...hey...why be unhappy if you have money, right?

So I'm not going to say this will happen to you. A lot could change over time. And maybe some things won't. I wish you the best but I think moving back home is a good idea and it might light a fire under his ass to show you (through HIS OWN actions) how much you mean to him. If you aren't important enough to him for him to get his shit together, at least you will have given yourself a better shot for your own future.

 

How do you feel about having a house husband?

Will he clean and cook without you to scold him into it?

If not, how do you feel about being the "mommy" in the relationship to your "baby"?

Romance were a woman has to be a dominant maternal figure can work if that's what she feels comfortable with, but that's something you may be facing if he does not find anything wrong with your situation. If it works for you, then power to you. On the other hand, if you were expecting a partnership where both of you contribute to finance and divide the housework, he needs to prove he wants to change for this to work long term or you need to move on.

Is it still love when you come home from a hard day of work and have to nag him for the dirty dishes and laundry on the floor? Is it still love when you have to give him an allowance to be sure bills get paid? Or is this not the man you though you knew, therefor not the man you love?

 

This has struck a chord with me. If there are signs...what do you do? Do you wait to see if it gets better? Or is it best to cut your losses?

 

I would say that my neighbor, in particular, is not going to cut her losses. Don't get me wrong, they're both very nice people but it's just a shitty financial situation that they've evolved into and the things she's told my wife and I.....it just strikes me as inconsiderate and selfish on his part. But it's their life and if they can make it work and be happy...more power to them. I think the wife is happy some of the time and pissed and disappointed other times. But it took two of them to get to where they are. Him to act that way and her to accept it. So I think that's something for the OP to consider before getting married and possibly being unhappy "98% of the time." If I were advising my daughter, I would tell her she should demand some serious changes and at least put the wedding on hold until she sees that this guy is going to get his shit together and be a partner and not a freeloader. And I'm not talking about just saying it. If she moves home, he has no choice but to figure out a way to get on his feet and show her he can be a responsible adult. If he doesn't, well...she will be back in a scenario where maybe she can just worry about herself.

 

I think that breaking up is the last resort. It's the territory you enter when all else fails. The whole thing really DOES sound to me like you and your fiance are actually on the same side struggling with the same problems, but it's just that you two have different ways of going about the struggling. That in my book means there's still hope. Both of you, not just one of you, are unhappy at your current location. So there has to be something that you guys can do to rectify your situation that also doesn't involve actually breaking up, or doing the long distance thing for an extended period of time(unless you're certain the long distance relationship will work for you). In other words, why can't both of you leave your current residence and move to a more promising location? I think that's a better option than breaking up when there's still love between you two, even if that might mean possibly borrowing some money from your families for the time being to finance the whole thing.

One thing I can tell you about motivation is that you're more likely to become motivated when you're happy. The unhappiness aspect may become the drive(perhaps that's the case with you at the moment, for instance) in life to excel, but each person deals with stress differently. In a way, I'd be lying if I said I couldn't relate to your fiance for acting the way he has been, because I tend to lose my motivation when I'm under a lot of stress myself. I just think, since you guys are still engaged(and I hope the love there is still mutual) and you're both unhappy not necessarily with each other in a exclusive sense but rather due to some outside influences such as the lack of work and the financial issues and things, that perhaps this is something you two should work on together rather than separately. I DO get the impression that you guys are actually on the same boat together but just expressing your frustration in different and, I suppose, clashing manners.

My relationship advice is usually the same, and for a good reason: communicate well. One thing I've learned over the years is that, when a couple is good at communicating, after a while they start taking that for granted. I think this is something to keep in mind. And how do I know this? You'll laugh, it's something I've observed in myself, even as recently as a month ago when I was suddenly struck by a thought(a light bulb moment, if you will) that I could be starting to take the wonderful communication skills shared between my girlfriend and myself for granted. But I've taken this as a good sign because it means now I get to evaluate how well I'm communicating with my girl, and improve where necessary. In your case with you being engaged and experiencing family involvement on different occasions and stuff, I think you and your fiance need to expand on this communication idea from between the two of you to within your families. I think that a large part of the frustration is because there are family members who don't understand the situation very well(though they may say otherwise). So, it's good to make sure everyone understands exactly where you and your fiance are coming from, so as to prevent hostile reactions from them.

That's my take, anyway.

 

I've been thinking about it and I'm going to try and stick it out for a while. We made a serious commitment when we got engaged. For better or worse. It just so happens that the worse started very early on, I guess.

I know my mom would love it if I came back home, even my sister said she wants me back. But I want to make it work with my fiance and I want to get our own place and our own life. I still have hope that it can happen. We just need to work at it. I'm trying to be positive. Running away isn't going to make it better.

 

Oh of course. The wedding is not happening unless things get better. And we're very careful when we do have sex. I'm hoping when we are doing better on the financial aspect and are getting close to having our own place, that things between us will improve as well. The way his family treats him depresses him a lot. He feels terribly about himself and it shows. This isn't something that I can compensate for. We need to be on our own completely and stop having other people dragging us down.

 

If your relationship can't survive a few months of somewhat long-distance so that you can see your family and try to move things forward, then it probably isn't worth saving.

Go home, try to find a job, and tell him to come when he has the money or when he finds a job in the area and you guys can get a place.

My two cents, at least.