The Best Way to Break Up?

Yea...

I just meant-sometimes people don't get the really gentle "we can still be friends... I still care about you...it's not you it's me" (or whatever) stuff-
That sometimes you just gotta be like, when ppl don't get it- "This is over. It's NOT starting again. I need to at LEAST not talk to you for a little while." Might make a person seem or feel like a bitch (jerk, etc.), but really is just being blunt and clear.

 

Yes, I've tried the whole soft approach. In my experience it makes blurry lines and sends mixed messages. The other person thinks they could win you back. You think you're being nice and softening the blow but in the long run it causes more heartache and confusion, especially if the other person really still loves you.

I think it's best to be firm and direct, and just cut off communication for a bit. Maybe, in while you CAN be friends again, but there is no need to string them along by checking in on them via text or "liking" their facebook posts or whatever.

 

Hahhahahahahahaha!

 

Usestobe was very clear in her soft approach of sayin "it's over"

But not all girl's soft-rejection methods are equal.

A lot of girl's ideas of a soft rejection is just to go AWOL on their boyfriend, and just silently vanish without officially dropping a line saying "I'm ending our romantic relationship".

It doesn't necessarily have to be mean, just clear without any gray areas.

If the guy asks why just tell them the truth that the spark you once had for them is just gone, and/or situations and what you wanted out of life changed and therefore they aren't what you want in life now.

If it's not them that's causing the impetus for the breakup, explain it's due to a job/long distance thing, or whatever else. That's a neutral issue for a breakup, as long as it's the truth though.

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The only time I think it's okay to pull a vanishing act, is if the relationship is abusive and you literally have probable cause that they'll hurt you or take vengeance on you for breaking up with them. (This advice goes for guys too, as we all know the scorned woman can be just as bad as the scorned man).

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Anyway YouFreeMe, I think you can agree that any mixed messages from the soft approach to rejection, is due to the fact that not all women's idea of "soft rejection" is clear. Confusion results from girls trying to swing from guy to guy, keeping one as a "backup" safety net, or moving on to a new boy. Or in other cases girls who think a soft approach is mutually exclusive with uttering direct dialogue that says "I want to break up".


Girls who beat around the bush with this topic, think they're letting their guy down easy, but from the guys perspective they are not.

 

I'm horrible at break ups.

Honey I've been in your exact situation before. I've never been one to cut off total contact with an ex. Usually it ends up okay and the guy understands, we end up being cool and being able to hang out as friends. This method actually generally works with the saner, more stable guys. (with time of course, you have to give it a few months before trying to hang out as friends)

I did break up with one guy who just didn't get it. He was a total jerk to me when we were together but then of course when we broke up all of a sudden he wanted to prove to me what a nice guy he was and what a good friend he could be, except that translated into him telling me he loved me constantly and eventually developing a really unhealthy obsession with me. I honestly felt really bad for him because he was a little off kilter at the time so I could never grow the balls to cut him out of my life. It actually went on like that for a long time until I started dating someone new. I think that was the reality check he needed. We're actually still friends years after the fact which is cool.

I know how you're feeling. I'm way too nice and it sounds like you are too, and it can be hard for overly nice people to be assertive when they need to be. You really should consider changing your number or blocking his number for a while, make it impossible for him to contact you in the first place so you can't even be tempted to be nice to him.

 

I guess. To be honest I don't really see the disappearing act as a female issue. I have known both men and women to take this approach. And certainly you can't believe that only girls swing from guy to guy with having a backup/safety net? That is ridiculous.

If you consider someone your boyfriend or girlfriend, you owe them a clear breakup, a short explanation, and some of their belongings back. That's it, really.

Now, if you've only been on a few dates with a person, or are hooking up, these rules become a bit fuzzy. It's easier to play it by ear.

 

Well that's interesting to hear. I am personally biased because a girlfriend of mine and a lot of my guy friends had girlfriends who've done the vanishing act to communicate a breakup, and I don't nearly see it as much from guys. In fact, I theorize this to be because society puts pressure on girls to have a boyfriend, and guys don't have that same pressure. For girls there is a certain social girl-girl aspect you can't participate in amongst peers if you don't have a boyfriend.

Guys don't really have that kinda pressure.

The guys I knew/know who swung from one girlfriend after another were playing the field anyway. But other guys I knew including myself tend to be pretty loyal companions and not beat around the bush when it comes to a transition in a romantic relationship.

 

I've also seen the disappearing act with men a lot, a lot, a lot.

Also never felt any pressure to have boyfriends around my friends, at all. Maybe I'm different there? I don't know.

What I think I'm getting from this is rather or not you think it'd be nice or even possible to be friends with the person again in the future...if you decide to break up you just talk about how you don't want to be together now.

Which is what I did the 3rd+ times I've communicated this to my ex. I was very nice about it 3 times, but I don't think I lead him on at all, but I can see how maybe he thought that if he kept keeping in touch he could change my mind. The weird thing is that the main reason I broke up with him was because of the behavior he is still showing. While we were in a long-distance relationship and then on a "break" he was going overboard in the area of communicating with me, whining when I didn't communicate enough with him and while we were on a break, not respecting my boundaries that I set forth.

I think I've been very clear several times...Although the first two times I was not...the first time I asked for a break and the second time I asked for a split, but said we could be friends. I was much more harsh the last time I responded to his message and I really don't plan on talking to him again. I was pissed off so I really was not nice, not that he hadn't already heard what I had to say. If I hear from him again I won't say anything. If he continues I probably will have him blocked.

I might even look that up because I really don't even know how to do that.

 

youre either in a committed relationship or you are not.
keeping dude hanging on a string, makes him think hes got a clean pussy to turn too.
I assume you wouldnt want him bringing something back home, if you lost interest in him, tell him. ive no interest in continuing a sexual relationship with u. 9xsouta10 hes hanging around cause your good in bed. or you have a fancy pocket book. or it really is love.. whatever the reason. you cant keep dude hanging on forever. if you dont love him, tell him. dont let him bang you for a night then make him feel unattached. hes obviously invested in you to some degree. or he just like fucking you when nobody else is around. if he has someone else to fuck around with. no point in carrying on with him.
hope that wasnt to harsh.. :love:

 

Orison is either joking or talking to some invisible poster no one else can see. I have no clue.

 

Yeah in your case I don't think your guilty of being unclear about ending the relationship.

I was speaking generally.

But now I need to ask, what do girls see guys doing when they pull the vanishing act?

And I'm not talking about one-night stand or even a sexual relationship that the guy just doesn't communicate, because that's kind of expected. I'm talking about cases where there was a real relation physically and emotionally and ten the guy just vanishes.

I guess I can see a guy doing this if he has a double or more life going on... But other than that. I've never seen it happen.

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@usedtobe

We talk a lot about communication and how important that is to a lot of people in this thread.

But as a fresh topic let's talk the flip side of that:

Over communication

What is it?

Why does it happen?

How do you go about trying to lessen it if you, or them or both are guilty of over communication?


Is it the same as smothering?

Does over communication imply an insecurity complex in the person and/or something else? (Lack of self-esteem, compulsive anxiety etc. )

 

You make a pass at her :mickey:

 

LOL Im going to try this!

 

Well, SWIM used this not for breaking up but to get rid of a girl that felt in love with him.
SWIM liked her but only as a friend. well. SWIM told her actually something that was true, but it wasn't the reason. SWIM told her that we could not be together as SWIM love drugs , and SWIM is not going to stop using them. (She don't do anything) And told her that if we would be together SWIM would hurt her a lot because that. is he a bad person?

 

What does a woman think when a man completely disappears? Probably that he is either extremely depressed or may have killed himself or that he's a coward. I can't think of any other excuses for that.

As for over communicating...I think that's difficult to define. I think I over communicate sometimes. I think it's usually from the other person's preferences in a way. What I mean is, people will ask me to talk about something or explain something and offer almost nothing to the conversation, then I feel like I've said too much.

 

That's because there isn't a good reason for a guy to disappear like that. There really isn't a good reason for girls to do the vanishing act either. The only legit reasons for doing so are like well... because you can't get into contact with them to tell them the status of a relationship. ( death, illness whether mental or physical, or lawful reasons are preventing you from contacting them.)


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And that's why over communication is a good topic to discuss on these forum a usedtobe.

 

In a letter, telling him how sorry I am, but I'm not interested anymore in having a relationship with him.