He won't touch me- unrealistic expectations?

Awesome, I hope its a hard night for both, wink wink,,, and its a blast.

 

Thank you! It is nice to hear that therapy has worked for someone. I obviously know that the way he treats me isn't fair, and I know I should leave him, but i'm just not ready yet. I have to know that I tried my best and put everything in before I decide to give up. Therapy is my last bit of effort, I really can't think of what to do if that doesn't work besides break up! I emailed a couple's relationship counselor today and he requested that I call him tomorrow. He specializes in relationships as well as sex so I'm hoping he can really help us figure out where we went wrong.

PS: you sound like a wonderful and sweet husband! I hope that after as many years of marriage as you have had, my future husband and I are just as happy as you seem to be with ur wife.

 

There are lots of wonderful hubbys and BFs out there Ana, they are harder to find sometimes tho.

 

Thank you. People ask what's our secret? That's easy. Hard work and constant communication. Marriage is, among other things, a job. If you want it to succeed, you work hard at it. If you don't talk to one another, problems get buried and fester. I love my wife more today that the day 37 years ago on which I proposed to her.

 

I got married just after I got in the military at just past 17, I think we both thought it was gonna be an easy ride but in the end I dont think either of us really worked at it like we probably should have. And That might be why our interests drifted and we went for divorce, was the easy thing to do but then again I wasnt on the losing end alone I have to admit.
I think if Ana tries for communication it could work, if it doesnt then something else has to happen. It cant just go as it is because in the end who got nothing out of it? Seems one is winning and the other isnt, should be a win/win...
Check out the therapy Ana, if he wont go then you have way more issues then sex alone.
I love how you talk about your wife and your life Buzzgunner

 

He has already agreed to go to therapy because he knows we are coming to the
end of our relationship if things don't pick up soon. As for communication, I feel that I'm trying my best to communicate but he doesn't put in the same effort. I LOVE to talk/read about sex and I'm constantly looking for new ideas and ways to improve. My boyfriend on the other hand says that there is no reason to talk about sex and he never introduces new ideas into the bedroom or tries to improve. Obviously I've confronted him about this and our other issues but there seems to really be a gap between what I'm saying and what he is hearing. Thats what I'm really hoping the therapist can help us with!

 

Good luck, it sounds like there are reasons you want to make this work for both of you. I hope it does because if you didnt care about him for those many other reasons you wouldnt be trying.

 

Good Luck ana.

 

A troll eh, he is right, well half right, not like she has control over her body either, her hubby certainly doesnt and is not responsible. Made her cum once in 7 1/2 years, that means like so many she married a guy she wasnt attracted to so it was easier to control him and get him to pay for stuff, but almost 8 years later, she a lot hornier, way more sexually frustrated. And it is her fault, she knew full well she was never going to get really hot and bothered with him, what she didnt know at the time is how frustrating that was going to get....because no other woman ever told her the truth

Because life is like some movie where you click your heels together and whatever you wish for comes true. If this were the case, you wouldnt have to try put people down that dont believe in this by telling them they are "doomed to a life of loneliness"

When really, the exact opposite is the truth, because one or both partners are jealous and overprotective, the amount and type of friends you are allowed to hang out with slowly dwindles over time until it gets to one or zero, and staying married is what actually makes everybody lonely, spent too long not really trying with everyone else, dont know any different anyway

Mmmm Hmmm, and let me guess, that final professional "we" decided on was female so they could gang up on you and tell you how you are supposed to think, and one your wife felt wasnt threatening

So you send guys like kokujin down the wrong path cos you dont want to face that your wife in the same way hasnt been truthful the whole time and knew all along. And some short term positive affirmations for the OP, which sound nice but arent going to change anything, and they're not really about her

Not necessarily having a go at you. most people do it, a lot of those magical points that are a key to a happy marriage dont have anything to do with counsellors, marriage or the partner. That especially as you get older, you still have a function, still have a job, money doesnt neccessarily buy happiness, but it does buy security and be able to stress a lot less about particularly health concerns

The funny part is you wouldnt even be able to remember correctly about 37 years ago, every scenario of how things should have gone has been replayed in your mind thousands of times, to the point where its changed what you remember. You are not the same person, reflecting back on events 37 years ago you respond differently to the way you responded to them then. And a lot of those memories are now very fuzzy. And all of them in first person, they would look different to anyone else, including your wife. In a way, you are the very last person to really be able to judge

 

@ Vanilla Gorilla: I believe the first part of your comment was directed at me so I'd just like to straighten out a few points. We are definitely NOT married. I'm actually applying to medical school soon so getting married is not an option for at least another three years. Also, I wouldn't get married to him currently because of the problems we are having with out sex life.

As for being attracted to him, I'm certainly very attracted to him. Unfortunately, being attracted to someone doesn't give you an orgasm if there is no stimulation. I can orgasm during sex but only because I stimulate myself. Also the "pay for stuff" comment (was that directed at me?) made me LOL. I am actually very strict about money since we are both just finishing up college. Everything we do together is split half-half. Even on vacation we take turns paying and I keep a log to keep things even. I'm so obsessed that he has recently asked me to let go a bit and allow him to pay every once in a while. Where you are perhaps accurate is with the control comment. Although I am certainly not with him so that I can control him, I do have a stronger personality. I find that I have to remind myself often to ask him for his opinions and preferences because he may not always express them on his own. He is just a very laid back guy.

I think the only thing you got 100% right, if indeed you were directing your comments at me, is that I am sexually frustrated. Not because I can not orgasm but because I crave physical intimacy and touching and I've never gotten it.

Ok last little bit...

"And it is her fault, she knew full well she was never going to get really hot and bothered with him" - Not true, he made me very hot and bothered for the longest time because the relationship was new. Now that we've been together for awhile I need him to help me get there and thus far he has not helped.

"...what she didnt know at the time is how frustrating that was going to get..."- He's the first guy I've ever had sex with. I never knew some straight guys didn't like pussy

"...because no other woman ever told her the truth..."- I am the reluctant product of a private Catholic school education. My sex education consisted of "don't do it" and internet searches. I was 15 when we started dating so as you can imagine, my experience prior to him was limited.


EDIT: Oh! and I forgot to mention. I picked a male sex therapist. I'm more comfortable speaking to males about sex and since this is a hang up that my boyfriend has I thought he would feel less threatened and be more open to taking advice from another male. Not to mention I'm going to therapy so that I can learn how to communicate effectively with him. I think a male's perspective would be more helpful.

 

OP you should have dumped this guy a long time ago and moved on. Yeah I know there are a lot of other aspects of the relationship, but it sounds like it's a big deal to you (as it would be to me as well). If you don't have anything really anchoring you to this guy that would make you really re-evaluate things, then I say move on, before you are married, before you have kids, before you grow old...

The main two things being A. People don't really change. They can bend and in certain circumstances they can "evolve" but at the core people don't change. If he doesn't like touching you or doesn't think to touch you as you mentioned, he's flat out never going to make you feel the way you want to feel. Whatever baby steps he may do far and few between he's never going to change to the point where it will make you happy. B. This is about you and your wants, desires & needs. He doesn't care or recognize this and I'm not saying it's his fault per say, but it's just the way he's built. He may be a good guy but just not very sexual or much of a pleasing type of a guy in that department. Bottom line you have needs, want to feel special and he's not giving you what you need. So you have to decide looking at the entire picture if you're willing to accept this loss or void in your relationship or if you should move on and find something better.

 

Man, that's just sad. I'd hate to be a woman around you if this is your attitude about them. FYI, my wife and I BOTH agreed on this therapist after seeing her individually. From that point on all of our sessions were private (as opposed to couples sessions) and the therapist NEVER mentioned anything the either of us about discussions that took place in the others session. (They are ethically barred from doing so anyway, but that's beside the point.)

 

Have you two tried toys? It doesn't have to be anything extravagant. A simple vibrator for him to use on your clit would be a good compromise if he won't lick it or touch it.

Sex should be a mutual experience. If he's only concerned about his own orgasm, then he should spare you the emotional and sexual distress and just be single and hire hookers.

 

She said he's been her ONLY sex partner. And her sex life is not good. Need more be said? Yeah. And I'll say it. Life is short, in the main. But it's much too long for self imposed unhappiness.

 

Ok, put it another way, what magical solution is anyone else going to come up with thats going to solve it for her.

What if the only solution sounds selfish or mean, dump this one, go get hers

 

show him this thread

 

It would have to be just the one toy, and make a commitment to that toy. More than one toy is disgusting. Or at least sit that toy down and tell it she is going see other toys before seeing other toys

 

I've never been good at being monogamous with toys. It's a rough situation. My flogger is insanely jealous.

 

I've really thought about the sustainability of this relationship in its current condition and you are all right- it is not sustainable as is. I'm going to give the relationship one more year and in that year the boyfriend and I will attend couple's and sex therapy. Also, I'm going to try to get myself into a place where if I did have to leave him I would be able to do that. That means being less emotionally dependent on him and making some friends. I need to have a life outside of my boyfriend and our relationship before I can make any hard decisions.

 

Smart thinking Ana. You need to be able to do it so you are not left standing in the cold if it has to happen and it's not always such a bad thing to leave someone to make sure you find another someone later who is everything to you that you are to them.
Try not jumping straight into another mans bed tho to leave him. It makes for a messy split up as well as it can start you off on another bad foot for that relationship.