Deceived by a friend

Nobody likes being lied to. I think my reaction would depend on the circumstances. I may keep that person at arms length in the future or I may not even react at all but make a mental note that the person is now a known bullshitter and anything with any importance to me should now be verified if possible or I may just forgive them. But people lie for different reasons and some of them are just dumb and I kind of feel sorry for them that they felt like they needed to compensate for being themselves by creating something they are more proud of. Different circumstances, different reaction from me.

 

Your perception about that person is likely to change and that's natural...but just because you don't see a reason for the lie, doesn't mean they don't have a good reason for it. To them, they more than likely lied because it's a habit or they felt really bad about something and the lie made them feel better about it...that's typically why people lie, sometimes it's to get out of trouble, sometimes there's a deeper mental health/emotional health issue...I tend to feel more compassionate than to feel like the fact that they lied has anything to do with me...you can forgive or you cannot forgive whatever is most comfortable for you, but the fact that they lied is their own personal issue, it has nothing to do with you, they lied because that's what they felt was their best choice in that moment. You were someone they felt comfortable talking to, you received the lie, not because of who you are but because you were there for/with them at that moment.

 

Ruby, I might have missed it, but did you ask them why they lied?

 

Are you able to share the lie in more detail? I just don't undertsand how the situation hurts you outside of, "I hate liars." We all do.

I once told a friend I was out of town for the weekend cause he wanted to jam. A good while later I told him that was a lie cause someone close to me was having health concerns I didn't want to share. He was cool with it.

Context matters.

Also, every time I see your name I hear the best Rancid song ever in my head.

 

I did ask them. What started off as getting caught in a small lie to someone else kind of snowballed into this huge story. Covering up one lie with a bunch more basically until it got out of hand. Which is how it normally goes.

I'm not really willing to share more details of the lie. The lie was beyond "I am out of town so I can't hang out" I know its hard to understand why I'm so upset without me sharing the details of it but I'm not comfortable doing that.

I think its because we had already had numerous conversations over the past 6 months about lying and how I don't tolerate it from my friends. I've written off people I've known for over 15 years for lying to me. This person knew that. I don't like being made to look like a fool and I don't like being treated like I'm stupid. I feel like when people lie to me that is how they are treating me. I feel like it's disrespectful. I think that is more where my issue lies than what the actual words were that they said.

You're very welcome for that

 

What if they were lying about lying and they never lied in the first place? How are you supposed to know what's true now?

 

I understand your distaste for dishonesty, I really do. I've dealt with it myself and it has ruine relationships. But do you think maybe you're being more upset about it than you should be because you have a predisposition against it from past situations?

Also, kickass. Never met a Rancid fan on here in over 5 years.

 

I was recently in a similar situation. I would say the thing that concerns me the most is the elaborate web of lies. It changes the person you think you knew so well. I'm personally upset for sharing so much of my personal life with a person who wasn't being up front with me. I don't let people in that easily (even most people that "know me well" in reality don't know much about me.)

It's just confirmation that humans suck, and should be kept at arms length.

 

Oh, so you have never told a lie?

You are lying right now arent you? I initially assumed 'this person' was a female friend cos you said you have been talking to this person everyday for 6 months. So a guy youve been talking to everyday for the last 6 months....well then what do you think everyone is going to think...it doesnt make a difference if its a male or female?, you know thats a lie, becuase you know what most will then assume, even if it isnt that way

Ye old bait and switch. If they are truthful about everything then you can more easily guide them into how you think they should think,act and do. But if they lie, all that planning has gone to waste. Make out they are the evil ones for lying to you, even though HE may have starting lying in the first place cos you were too manipulative.

A lie of omission is still a lie, not trying to trick you into giving more details, just pointing out the logic of it, play the pronoun game and be intentionally vague, and how many of us now are going to think you are talking about some guy you either wanted to bonk, or where schemeing to set up with one of your friends

You've written off people you've known for 15 years for lying to you?, the message then becomes, well you shouldnt bother with this women, do everything right for 15 years, but then one lie and she'll give up, dont bother trying to be her friend unless you are ready to be perfect forever

 

Nobody can really answer this because we don't even know what went on. We don't know the situation so we don't know how we'd react.
I tend to forgive and forget. But you're making it seem that these lies were a big deal so even if I kept that person in my life, I guess I couldn't ever trust them again.

 

I make it a habit of not lying. It's much easier to remember the truth and you don't let people down that way. Sometimes the truth may hurt but it never hurts quite as badly as being lied to. Honestly, I don't care what people think about my friendships. There was nothing inappropriate about my friendship with this person. I would have let my husband read any messages between us at any time and I would have had nothing to worry about. Everyone can believe what they want though. I know there was nothing going on.

Like I just said, this is not someone that I was having an inappropriate relationship with. We are just friends. I'm friends with many men and its not inappropriate. I am not trying to "bonk" him or "scheming" in any way.

As for my friend of 15 years. It was 15 years of lies. It wasn't one lie. It was 15 years of little petty lies that eventually I got tired of dealing with. Her and I still speak but our friendship is no longer what it once was. I was actually honest with her and told her why I was distancing myself from her. I'm not a doormat. I don't allow myself to be walked on over and over again. By no means do I expect anyone to be perfect. I do ask my friends to treat me with the same honesty and respect that I give them. I don't think that is too much to ask. Maybe I hold my friends to a higher standard because I have some pretty amazing people in my life that I know I can rely on whenever I need them. I have a support system that most adults don't have in my group of friends. I guess maybe I hold everyone to that standard and I shouldn't. I'll be let down over and over again and that is something I'll have to deal with I guess.

 

The truth is .. a lie. People lie. That's the truth.

I think you should hold on to your standard. If you lower your standards, you'll lower them for other things too. That's how people can get lost. It's a value system but lower standards is a devalue system.

When you accept that people lie, it will hurt you less. And you don't have to lower your standard to accept the truth.