My sister is 19 years old and expecting her 3rd child.....

Also and update...we found out today that our mother died. Who was the main one responsible for most of her pain and abuse. Her life so far has been a direct reflection of our mother and how she was to us growing up.

Our grandparents are doing the primary organization and wants my sister and I to make the main decisions. I haven't spoken to my sister in 5 months and I'm trying to figure out how to interact with her now.

I want to be there for her and hold her in all this but with everything going on I have to prepare for the awkwardness and to know what to say to her. How to be supportive and get some kind of loving and supportive message to her.

She needs to learn first and foremost that it's okay that she has made mistakes and what matters is how she's dealing with them now.

I WANT her to get help. I WANT to be a family again. I WANT to be there for her. But when she won't accept the situation and admit to herself what she has done, she is only going to continue down the same path.

I want to stand by her but I can't do that when she calls me a bitch and a terrible sister no matter how gently I try to approach it.

I don't intend on speaking any negative about this when I see her this week. I just want to forget everything for now and be a loving family.

I guess we will see if she will let me do that.

Any and all suggestions are accepted. Because I truly want something to get through to her. More than anything.

 

In my longish life, I've seen bad family situations that started with BAD parenting...and it sounds like your mother (and was there even a father around?) could have been just that...the mother of yet another poor mother.

It sounds like you have enough sense and innate ethics to know what to do/not to do...or what is right and wrong...congrats to you!

Anyway, it sounds like your sister needs deep and intensive counseling. Aside from that, I don't give a damn what others say about someone "learning"...I agree that she is a perfect case for sterilization.

For those that don't agree with sterilization for someone that has shown over and over she is a sorry-ass mother, just how many children would you have this unfit mother have? How many would you have the court system take away from her before she is "fixed"?

I've seen mothers as young as 16 make GOOD mothers...granted their ability to provide for the child was limited...but there was none of this underweight, poor overall health going on. I've known a few young women that had 2 children by 19...even though it wasn't an ideal situation, they made it and the children were loved, healthy and well-cared-for, without being watched over by family or a court-system. These young women sought help from family when they needed it for the child...that is what a Good mother does!

I hope you can "fix" things with your sister and be a family, as you say...but I'm more concerned about the child in her right now. I deeply hope she will NOT get custody back of the other children, and it sounds like she shouldn't even get visitation rights if she can't even follow simple instructions like no fried foods and no juice. GODALMIGHTY! How stupid and/or sorry is she?

 

It was different with Octomum, cos she wanted to be a mum, everyone just heard 8 kids in one go, and thought fuck, she's not going to be able to manage that, and from memory I think she already had three kids. As opposed to those that have kids for more selfish reasons


This kind of talk is in part what does it:

Not necessarily may be the case with the OPs sister, but 'they' need to smarten up / grow up. What if they are smarter, more mature, yet totally selfish, to the point where its almost pathological. With some the 'more intensive' support, the more they will milk it

The difference between your reaction and Oddapples reaction, does just come down to you being female ( yeah, I went there ) Just the simple fact you are female means you are never going to have to deal ith certain aspects of their behaviour, you may have trouble with some, but in a different way, yet never really on the receiving end of the ones he refers to as skunts. Just as he being male, all men are pigs thing, he is never going to see how often or at all the ones that are douchebags will try cop a feel or do something disgusting when no one else is watching, becuase he is never on the receiving end

It should be whats best for the kids first, before everything else. Not that anyone is ever totally qualified to decide that. But sometimes whats is best for the kids is to get them the hell away from those parents

 

I posted something a while back about how I believe people should need to apply to have a child and go throw the necessary arrangements to make sure they are satisfactory parents, have an income to support the child etc.

This thread is why I posted that. It's disgraceful that a person can be denied a loan based on income but anybody can have a child even if they're completely unfit to do so.

 

<< different way, yet never really on the receiving end of the ones he refers to as skunts. Just as he
being male, all men are pigs thing, he is never going to see how often or at all the ones that are
douchebags will try cop a feel or do something disgusting when no one else is watching, becuase
he is never on the receiving end>>

That is the most self imagined, maudelin tripe a grown man has ever got to laugh healthfully at another one about!
You have great fantasies, but you're spouting hockey. Inexperienced people who never really have to take real responcibility can project any loony thing they want, but even girls don't believe that!
They do feel sorry for you though, which pushes their buttons and satisfies this need you have to affirm that your silly, crippling tripe is better than the clarity, maturity and strength the girl already has!
Now she has to emotionally compensate for the burden of emoto-vampire you?
Bwahahaha!
You and your "men are pigs" and your.....I'm sorry. Nothing to do with her or them, but really, somebody bring stilts and a lie bank because the gorilla bull just went three more feet deep and we could all buy a pop on the quarters from those silly fibs. This enduring person is way more ok, going to be and mature than you. You sound like a wimpy version of her sister! Not gonna help anybody...if I do admit a sexist thing, I think she's heard all that can help from the "pigs" and where she is now the counsel of her sisters may be the better thing.
I'm not worried. Strong kid. Pretty much just affirming, with astonishment, what she pretty much already figured.
If you'll let the girls handle it a bit now, I'll go get a cry towel and we can start another poor "pig" thread about your issues, because haha, wow! You need therapy more than she does. She just needs strength and to know that at least someone, sometime has felt the same way.

 

And just kidding about your cry towel thread. I don't enable passive-aggressive emotional nosferatu's if I can help it.

 

I just think people need to be held to the standard of responsibility, whatever it takes. She created life, now it's her job to be a mother. Taking the kids means she doesn't have to be responsible, other people will handle it all for her. It's an easy way out.

I think it depends on how dire it all is. Is she reachable? Is she utterly hopeless and helpless? She's only 19 years old. The United States *loves* to provide services. Seems like she'd need at least two years worth of intense counseling, education and training. Like a full time job. MAKE her learn how to be a mother instead of giving her this easy way out.

In the example of bringing chicken nuggets and juice, the kids were taken because of neglect (failure to thrive). I don't think it's surprising that she brought chicken nuggets and juice. People should have been expecting that. She'll always make those sorts of mistakes if nobody invests the time and energy to help her learn. Can't just give commands to people and expect them to act accordingly. That's not "help".

Seems like the matter is already fated anyway .. in a few years from now all three kids will be out of her life and she'll be out of theirs. It's like, take the kids and throw the mother to the curb. I just don't see how that's good policy. But I do see the contempt and judgment.

Should people be force sterilized? No, I don't think so. Should people be forced to learn, grow and mature? And be held to the standard of responsibility? Yes, I do think so. Too idealistic? Not really. It's just the opposite of lazy.

 

Am sorry to hear you are going through a rough time, with the sad news about your mum it must put you in a difficult emotional state to deal with your sister. I'd say leave it while you deal with the funeral and stuff first, perhaps this might bring you both together more and you can work on providing some...parenting to her I guess! We have a scheme called sure start or something like that which offers support here, whether in the home or over the phone, perhaps look into support in your area?

 

I think this is the long and short of the issue. Educating the mother is one thing, but she can be intervened with when she is away from her children. It sounds like their lives were in imminent danger. Just because she gave birth to them does not mean her right to keep them outweighs their right to live.

Adoption and foster care come with their own risks, but it's dangerous to assume that the parent is always the best caretaker. How can any 19 year old be reasonably expected to care for three children with no support, anyhow? She must realize that they are probably better off without her, as things stand. If she can't understand that, then she shouldn't have them anyway.

 

Why didn't she get an iud after the first one? Isn't it common for doctors to offer one to teen mothers?

 

I don't think i like your sister very much. I feel compelled to say that, respectively. Sorry about this dude.

 

We buried our mother yesterday. The hardest thing in the world simply because of how dark things got when she didn't want to stand on her own anymore.

I've been there for my sister, trying to talk to her, just holding her, I held her tight and rocked her during the funeral. We both had bad blood with our mother because of how unwell she was mentally and completely unwilling to make a positive stand and support herself.

However, we found my mothers book she had been writing about her life where she talks about the things that happened that broke her mentally. I think the person deep inside her knew but her mind was so broken that her bitterness and anger took over.

I'm hoping it helps my sister because she writes about some of the abuse that her father put on us all which she had no idea about.

But she seems to think that things are going to go back to old times....

To give you a perspective of her mindset, her Facebook profile picture is now a selfie of her crying at the funeral home.


<3 Bunnie

 

As of yesterday, my sister's rights to the two boys were terminated. Their current guardian is now working on the paperwork to officially adopt them.

Basically, what ended up happening was since she was pregnant AGAIN, her social worker told her she had one of two choices. She can keep fighting and go to court when scheduled and have this baby taken as soon as it's born, OR she can release her rights, allow the boys to be adopted, and have a better chance at keeping this baby.

In the mean time, she broke up with the current baby's father and the next day, left her LAST visitation with the boys early to go on a date with a man she's never met. Logic being "he has money" so he can "take care of" her and the baby.

And yesterday she was supposed to find out the sex but they didn't tell her because apparently something else is wrong. But she won't tell ANYONE what it is. Just enough to cause worry and drag it out. And then it's "I don't want to talk about it."

I really feel I should separate myself from this situation because it doesn't go anywhere. She pulled the same exact thing the first (and second) time the oldest one was hospitalized and when DCS stepped in because the younger one almost died.

Just "I don't want to talk about it."

And if you pry she just snaps.

I want to punch a wall. It's obvious that she doesn't want me to actually care. She just wants the attention that caring brings.

Her psych test results also came back and while they can't tell I or the boys adoptive family what it said, apparently whatever it is that is wrong with her requires extensive intense therapy and even then the boys still would not have gone back to her.

So my question is, WILL they take this new baby? It seems like they're still on the fence about it and may give her an opportunity. Even though she has done absolutely nothing to prove any kind of responsibility no matter how many opportunities she gets.

Again, I want to punch a wall.

 

Oi, no amount of facepalms is enough

 

From what you say you should maybe google the phrase "munchausen by proxy".

 

I don't know if that applies here. It's kind of a reverse situation where she is in denial when her children fail to thrive. She won't admit any issues that her children have had even when they really aren't related to her irresponsible choices (I.e. The youngest boy has hearing problems and she denied it, even going as far to say she didn't WANT to learn sign language because she shouldn't have to *although because of his wonderful care his hearing has been almost fully restored*)


<3 Bunnie

 

Found out today that my sister lost the baby.

As dark as it sounds I really think it was for the best...

 

I could not agree with you more.

She needs to be sterilized...sorry, jmo...

 

OH. MY GOD.

So apparently they made my sister deliver the deceased fetus yesterday....and for some reason she thought it would be a good idea to dress it, wrap it in a blanket, take pictures with it, and post it all over facebook.......

What. The. Hell.

 

Words Fail Me...



Cheers Glen.