I am not sure if this is the right forum to be posting on but I'm having a rough time with life right now and thought someone on here might have an idea of what I can do to move on. I am one of those people that has always had to deal with death. The first one I remember was my great grandma when I was about six. I'm thirty now and fifteen of my family members have died over my lifetime. I moved to another country for two years and four family members and our dog died while I was gone. The hardest one for me to deal with was my brother at nineteen. He was my only sibling so being an only child has been a really hard thing to take. A little before that and certainly more now I constantly worry about death,my own and that of the people I care about. It's hell for me, there is no time when I am not aware of the fragility of life. A couple months ago one of my cousins died and my mom's best friend has just been diagnosed with rapidly progressing lung cancer so the doctors say she hasn't much time either. It has gotten to the point where it seems like there is no use caring about people or even trying and making my art anymore because I will die and my efforts will be forgotten. I know this is not normal and I have gone to many counsellors in the past trying to find a way of pushing this out of my mind. Has anyone been through similar things and dealt with it? I don't really want to go on medication but at this point if it could numb me and distract me from reality it might not be such a bad thing.
Maybe meds would be good if they helped. It sounds like you are mostly having trouble relating to the reality of death though, and understandably given the number of loved ones that you've lost. It might be better to try to change your perspective rather than medicate yourself. I've lost loved ones, though not as many as you have, and not as suddenly. I'm not afraid of the idea of death. That doesn't mean that I don't miss my lost loved ones, or that when the time comes for me to go that I won't feel scared. Rather, I accept that death is part of life, and that finding value to life while we are here is better than living in fear of death. Something doesn't have to last forever to be worthwhile, and it seems there is nothing that lasts forever anyway. It is a certainty from the day that you are born that eventually you will die. What's the point of fearing it? It seems like the fear of death is robbing you of appreciating time with loved ones while they are here. Maybe you could talk directly to your loved ones about this. They've probably had some of the same feeling that you've had and talking to them might help. I think it's much better to make sure that you say everything that needs to be said before your relationship ends with them than to fear something that can't be avoided. I might be able to say more about this, but I'm sleepy right now.
In the past 4 years Ive had 14 friends blow their heads off. Last year a lady jumped off a 13th story building and landed just feet in front of me. 3 months after the suicide I witnessed I had a breakdown, went to a clinic and they sent me to this place full of counselors and doctors who prescribed meds. I stayed for 10 days and had many one on one sessions with a particular young girl. I had been hiding up something I knew about a friends death that only 1 other person knew and it would have been his death look understanable, but I was holding in this info for years and I wanted to give them the info after seeing a death firsthand. The counselor helped me through EVERYTHING, I cant give you specific advice because thats between me and her but you really have to come to peace with yourself, stop beating yourself up, accept what is reality and live life to the fullest. I dont know what to tell you but I dont think meds will help, I stopped taking my meds, I was diagnosed with PTSD but didnt want any pills and I am doing okay, I still think about these people all the time but I dont dwell on it anymore. Goodluck, know what your going through
