Why are we attracted to other people even when we've found our 'soul' mates?

Well, I told myself I would proceed on the premise that what I feel, my partner also feels, i.e. if I find myself attracted to other people from time to time, then she must also have such feelings from time to time. I don't like double standards. However, she tells me this is not so! Which creates a serious dilemma for me, hence I created this post.

You see I have this immense attraction to another colleague who is married. I am questioning myself why this is happening because I love my wife and there really is nothing wrong in my marriage that I would say is pushing me to another woman. The colleague is a beautiful elegant attractive person with a nice personality. Actually, I think I lust for her. This is leading me to question whether these feelings are really wrong or if this is how one is really made. And if this is how one is made, then should one be fighting so hard to suppress what are natural feelings?

 

Because the spirit might be willing but the flesh is weak

 

It exposes evolutionary psychology and this type of male chauvinist thinking as bad science.


While I am very glad that you have this perspective, it fails to include essential evolutionary psychology/biology principles like the Coolidge Effect, and sperm competition. These ideas basically describe how both genders are instinctually motivated to be sexually desensitized to the same partner after repeated sexual exposure to them, because it serves to create novel offspring which increases the degree and chances of having any one offspring that's suited to it's environment.

 

I think so too, being an obsessive compulsive cheater, who sleeps with an obsessive compulsive cheater as well. A psychologist is probably whom you are better off discussing this with, as I will do. I have those same worries.

 

From my experiences (Not my own, but others talking to me), usually when a guy is attracted to another woman it's because they're having trouble with the current woman they're with. And as a result of this unhappiness, they linger to other women for a sexual and/or emotional connection or they think about lingering. But, that doesn't really count for you because you're happy in your marriage.

So, my next uneducated guess is that you're super aroused, so you need to have sex more with your wife or masturbate more because maybe you're sex drive is not being met. Also, consider that even in a relationship people tend to fantasize. But, you're not just fantasizing, right? You want to do this, right? It's like me fantasizing about someone while I'm in a relationship, but it's not like I would actually want to have sex with that person. While you actually do want to have sex with the person that you're fantasizing about. So, fantasizing is different in your case. Then again, I am a young, single woman and you're (I'm assuming) an older married man, so maybe fantasizing is different at that stage in life vs my stage, female vs male, or maybe it's different because sex is different for everyone.

All in all, I would talk to your wife and tell her what is going on.

 

I would so love to talk to her about this but she would probably kill me. Okay not literally.



She frowns discussion about fantasies! She never shares any. I even wonder if she has any!



The 'worst' thing about my dilemma is that this woman I'm fancying is married. This is just messed up.

 

When people talk to me about their relationship dilemmas (By the way, it hasn't been a lot of people. It's just been family members, so this OPINON is very uneducated), I think it all comes down to not being satisfied with their current partner for whatever reason, and thinking or actually knowing that someone else can satisfy them. So, my advice is always the same;

1. Talk to her, no matter how hard it is. You never know, she might surprise you. Or maybe there might be a compromise.
2. Deal with it because it's life, we don't get to be satisfied to our fullness. And the great thing about humans is we have well-power and resilience no matter how unsatisfied we are.
3. Leave, as in divorce, not cheat and get that satisfaction where you think or know you can get it.

Whatever you decide it's going to say something about your character, so make sure it's something you can live with. As for your wife, I think you're assuming things about her. You said it yourself, she doesn't like talking about this, so how do you know that's how she feels and thinks?

I don't know, like I said I've never been in this situation personally nor do I have much experience with relationships in general, and it's only been a few times I have given advice to family members in a similar situation. So, maybe I'm just taking things out of my butt, lol. But, it is a sad situation and my heart does go out to you. I truly hope you can figure it out and whatever you decide, I hope it's something you're happy with because you deserve to be happy. And I really hope your wife doesn't get hurt in the process. She doesn't deserve that. No one does. And she, too deserves to be happy.

 

Thanks for your advise.

If the crush doesn't subside, then I will have to talk to her about it. Don't know how she will take.

Option 3, i.e. Leaving is not an option.

I suppose it is that, as you said, humans are insatiable. I also think time together and familiarity does play a part as well.

There is also the other possibility that the woman I'm having a crush on may not be open to such advances.

Life can throw challenges sometime

 

There's just too many fine ass bitches to perv on! If I keep my eyes on my girl I'll sprout more eyes out my temples and back of head just to keep perving them fine ass bitches. XD

 

Yea, I figured as much. I would hope you feel the same way about cheating. I'm all for an open relationship, as long as the other partner knows and is okay with it.

 

Cheating is plain wrong. I will not cheat. I would discuss the issue if it came to the point that I was to make a sexual advance to another person.

Cheating is lying. Lying is not good.

 

I think that's pretty normal. The idea that you'll only ever be attracted to your wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend is pretty silly.

It's an idea that's at least partly to blame for a lot of the relationship issues out there I think.

Just because you have a urge to fuck another girl doesn't mean you don't love your wife. And it doesn't mean there's necessarily anything wrong with your relationship. Marriage is a choice. Love to some extent is as well. You made a choice to marry your wife. I suspect a part of that choice was to not fuck other women. So you either stick to that or you don't.

But wanting to have sex with other women is just your brain and body doing what brains and bodies do. Just like you made a choice to get married and make certain promises you make a choice to not act on it or you don't.

 

a) it's hard to believe it's taken you 18 years to arrive at this question;

b) it's hard to believe you've had anything other than a painfully unhappy sex life for those 18 years if your wife won't talk about fantasies, let alone perform them.

Then again, it's clear there are people out there who are NOTHING like me. So, who knows?

 

The sex with my wife has been good. Trust me. In fact it has always been intense and sweet. It's just that we are doing it less these days, like twice a week.

I would say I've only had such strong sexual desire for another woman twice the whole time we've been together, i.e. in 18 years. I actually think it's because we've had a very solid relationship and great sex that I've 'rarely' found myself thinking about other women.

 

So something very specific must have happened. Why trifle with half-brained abstractions concerning human nature or gender? I can't help you without some juicy details.

 

Because the concept of "soul mates" does not exist.

I should also point out that the concept of "soul mates" is incompatible with the Christianity faith too, because I see that concept linked up with mainstream monogamy that is preached by various Christian chunks of society.


The concepts are separate people.

 

I agree with C--- can't remember the rest of their username. It's the one asking for "juicy" details.

Logically thinking, I would think something happened for you to "mindfully stray", considering you haven't done it this whole time until now. I would think something changed, whether it's a small or large change, it's a change in you, your partner, or the relationship. It may even be a change that doesn't directly relate to anything, but it relates to everything. But, you would have to get really philosophical with yourself to figure that out and most people don't like getting that deep inside themselves. And if that is the what this change is, we can't help you. You can only help yourself.

Do keep in mind, this is my perspective, considering I'm a female, never married, single at that, young, etc. When you said what I quoted above, my first thought was "What changed?", but maybe that's not the case at all.

 

Nothing specific happened/changed. Juicy details? Nothing super raunchy out of the ordinary. Just that the woman I have a crush on is beautiful with a hot bid. She is actually elegant.

 

The answer is EVOLUTION. Being promiscuous is a positive trait as to survival of our species. ...Oscar

 

Meeting someone does not sound like a non-event. Good luck.