Only 5 Months into our marriage....

Are you close with any of your husband's old friends or his family, people who may have dealt with this attitude before? Perhaps opening up to someone in that position might help, and if not at least you can talk to someone who might understand what it's like. I know technically this kind of thing is "going behind a person's back" and should be saved only for desperate times, but if you go day by day and still find yourself stuck, it may be something to consider.

Again, sorry I'm not very helpful, but I'll be sending you good luck telepathically anyway!

 

You can't control what he does. You can control what you do.

You can go to counseling to help figure out what to do about your marriage. You can talk to an adviser about your business.

 

You could just wear the pants, do what has to get done, and let him sit and whine on the sidelines while you work things out according to your plan? I don't mean to sound rude, just efficient.

 

I'll leave before I carry dead weight.

I know I'm his wife and I'm trying to do right by him, but if he's going to just fuel his life on negativity and just give up because "fuck it anyways" then he can do that on his own. I love him dearly but I married him as an entire person, not the Emo child he's been acting like.

I've been looking into individual therapy for myself seeing as we now have insurance that will likely cover SOMETHING. It's really something I should be doing anyways with all the shit that's happened in the past year (my sister almost killed her kids, my mother treats me like shit and refuses to support herself, and my best friend died in a car accident).

I definitely haven't felt this low in quite some time. I've felt low but boy does this take the cake.


<3 Bunnie

 

Do you have a kitty to pet? My cat makes me feel better.

 

IMO also, you haven't failed him. He has an issue that you tried to work out, problem is as someone said earlier some couples aren't meant to work together, add that it's a new business and holds lots to fear at that point.
My hubby and I did our business together for six years, (his push to do it) till he passed on which was a shock for me and left me to do and handle everything, not what I am used to but because we made things work and developed plans that made things easier I am doing it and haven't failed yet, so here is my thought,,, could he go back to working a job as he had before and let you run things?
That way he is in a safer zone, like where he is working for someone else, with a safe income of his own and the fears he might be holding of failure are now on your shoulders and not his. Because he would have an income you could hire where needed and not break yourself physically in the process. Maybe once it's looking safe he could come back at it and by then the fears are less or maybe gone. Seems you have a business mind like I do and you could do it, mind you I don't know the content and what's all involved in your business to say that but it's a thought.
Discuss it and see what he thinks but make sure he doesn't take it as a rescue attempt too much or push a power trip on him, just suggest it and tell him once things are safer he could go at it again If he wanted to. Getting away from it for a while might be what he needs that could save your marriage. If he trusts you he might like the idea.

 

Lol. I do and I have been.


<3 Bunnie

 

Man--sometimes the shit piles so high that it seems impossible to keep your head above it. But you will. You need some YOU TIME to sort it all out. Maybe somehow you can go away for a bit --like a mini-vacation alone and see if things can start to fall into place for you. You know--remove ALL mind clutter for a while. Individual therapy sounds like the way to go. I'm sorry, but empathetic to your problem.

 

The business we've been starting is a photography/videography business. He's very talented with his work just not very organized on the business end.

I went to photography school for 2 years along with about 3 years of basic extended education at a community college. Most of his education is all in video work.

I enjoy the business end and I've wanted to go back to school for awhile to actually finish my education but his strong feelings against the educational system has just made me avoid talking about it altogether. But it's quite clear here that something needs to change in order for this to work. And if he's just going to drop the ball like this there's no reason to maintain his end if he's not going to keep up out of negativity and fear.


<3 Bunnie

 

So what about the idea of letting him get a job and you running it for a while till he sees it up and going?
Is it worth trying that? Would he feel safer then? Could you run it? I hate to see a marriage go down if something that's causing bad weight on it could be fixed, he might go for it because it's probably what would take the fear off his own shoulders. Maybe he is just not meant for it and could work back into it like an employee later and let the business end of it run in the background away from his lack of ability and fears.
I remember asking my first hubby many years ago to help me buy a deli from a friend. He said he didn't think I could run a business. He was used to working for others and woulda probably been the same as your man. We did separate later for other reasons but in a good way and about a year later he was driving by where I had moved to for a course and offered to bring some stuff I had left because he had a pick up. Was he shocked when he realized the store I was working at was mine. Even commented on it and said he didn't think I had it in me, I had it till I sold it 4 and half years later, for a much better buck then I bought it for with my share of our divorce money. I think he didn't have it in him and was scared of the idea but I bet if he wasn't scared we would have ran a great business because it was already established and running well.

 

If he has reservations about educational systems that's his problem. It isn't right for him to project that on you and stop you from learning and growing as a human being. Forgive me for being presumptuous but perhaps his insecurities bout his work and the success of your business also extend to himself and manifest themselves in the form of you finishing your education. Lest you enjoy a world he isn't a part of?

As for business management/financial management, that's an education you/both of you could seek and might help your situtation and might allow you two to realize your dream business more successfully.

 

I think in terms of personalities I think more like your husband where such a situation would be very overwhelming. Is it possible he has depression or anxiety? The mind thinking in circles like that makes one feel utterly hopeless, and he feels worse for feeling that way around you (I would presume) unfortunately while starting your own business you won't have perks like health insurance, but I think a physchatrists input would be of use

I think people like you tend to be more on the ball with reality, where as I tend to be more abstract and philosophical in my thinking, would your husband fit this description to? Appeal to the side he is on to make him feel at least safe and comfortable in the place and time his now. He's going to need help, but also not feel like a burden for being helped

 

Wow OP, I feel bad for you. I have no idea what kind of upbringing your husband had, but I'll bet a lot of his insecurities stem from that. Yes I know we live in a more "equal" world now, but guys should be brought up to be strong, the rock, remain solid and stable even in the face of hard times. Everyone including me sometimes falls a little short on this as it's hard to be the rock all the time especially when you're the sole bread winner and supporting a family, ect... But I am no way near the wimp your guy is and for that I do really feel bad for you. If I was like your guy I know my wife would either had never taken interest in me or left me long ago...

I'd love to tell you the next time he enters one of his hissy fits to grab him by the nuts with your hand, look right into his eyes and say "Man up bitch!!!" cause it sounds like he needs a bit of a kick in the ass. But ultimately that would probably do more damage than good as he sounds so fragile...

I'd love to give you some advice but the kind of advice I'd give probably wouldn't be very healthy or constructive for your relationship. Your man sounds like a basket case who lacks confidence, focus, emotional strength, pride and any kind of follow through. Most if not all of these traits are instilled at an early age and cannot be taught or learned later in life, so sadly I don't see a lot that will "change" your man far as these things go. And they are important things too far as the financial stability of your relationship and future. So when he says these things like "You should just leave me..." I partially think he's right as you shouldn't carry the weight of two people, it's not fair to you. Also who's to say someday he won't get so scared that he'll up and leave you... A person at a young age is formed into a "flight", "fight", or "freeze" kind of a person and your man is definitely a "flight" kind of a person and at the first sign of trouble wants to run away. But as you mentioned you've known and been with this guy a long time so I get that it's complicated. Why you married him I'm a bit perplexed as the man you described doesn't sound like a "good catch" to me.

And ask yourself, if you want kids someday what kind of a father figure role model is he going to be? And how much will you be able to depend on him when there's so much more added pressure of having kids to take care of as well. Cause seriously I don't know what your ambitions are or his, but adding kids into the mix changes things so much it's impossible to describe. If you don't have kids yet, and are young enough to find someone else you might really want to consider all your options, cause in the end do you know what happens to unconfident insecure men after 30 years? They become unconfident insecure old dudes who never made anything of themselves. Good luck...

 

Willy. If you (or anyone reading this) has had kids, experience shows us that the husband gets put on the shelf for a period of time because of the trauma of giving birth and having to virtually have no life other than caring for the newborn. It's a difficult time for men--sometimes--and a husband that is in tune with his wife WILL adapt to her and the babys' needs. A husband has to realize this, or trouble will follow. Your man, IMO, would completely fall apart at that, not that he's together in the first place--he isn't. I think it would be a NIGHTMARE FOR YOU to have children with so undeveloped a person. With all due respect---I think that you have had enough warning about this situation and there you have it. good luck----------

 

Well, alot of things have happened since I last posted.

Both my mother and his father died tragically leaving both these issues with these parents unresolved.

I have taken mine fairly well because I made it a point in my life to prove to my mother that I didn't need her and wouldn't allow her manipulation to control my life. I love her because she was my mother but as a person she treated me badly because of her own issues with her life and herself.

My husband, however, has been having a rougher time. His father was significantly worse than my mother. The things he's told me about what this man did to he and his mother is enough to make a lifetime movie look like child's play. This is what he was exposed to as a child. He knows this is wrong and he is aware of the kind of person his father is.
However, having built his whole life trying to get his fathers attention and make him care, all for his father to drink himself into a stroke and leave his 9 year old daughter behind, has had a terrible effect on my husband.

He feels lost. He is aware that the way he has lived his life over the years has left him unable to function in the real world. He is trying to be honest with himself and says that he doesn't have any clue what makes HIM happy anymore.

This has caused a great toll on his emotions. Even though I see what gives him happiness and try to push him in that direction, he has been in such a dark place that he cannot even see that anymore.

I've tried to encourage him to see counseling, or at least work on his health by starting with some supplements. Everything that I suggest has been shot down and in somewhat of a hateful manner. He snaps very quickly and his negativity about the world around him has been incredibly over the top. He states that there is no such thing as happiness. It is just a drug, an addiction. In the end, it is not real. He feels that anger is the only emotion that is honest.

This frightens me and I have been attempting helping out with my own perspective: Happiness is an essential for basic human survival. It pushes us on a daily basis and gives us the drive we need to strive and be successful as a society, family, and fulfill us as human beings.

But it's not real.

All while I see him find happiness in little things just like everyone else. Once he becomes aware of it, it's like it was never there.

I gave him an ultimatum the other day. I never really intended to but it was me being honest with him. Because he has made it clear how naive I am for having optimism and positivity. I cannot continue to watch him like this. I love him too much and it's killing me. I told him he has to compromise somewhere. He has to do something to help himself. Of course he flew off the handle when I told him that. Posted shit on facebook and made me out to be the monster. We've spoken of it since then and he told me that he demands time. Time to deal with it and time to heal.

It truly breaks my heart to see him this way and I really just want this to be something that inspires him to actively seek healing for himself and find something that makes him happy. I don't even want to begin to imagine where he would be if I left.

 

Sorry about the depressing novel guys. I just can't really talk about this too much and very few people can relate to the issues.


<3 Bunnie

 

You don't have to apologize for that! We all read it voluntarily and I can imagine it takes some courage to share it just like that on here as well. I just wish I had some more constructive things to say... I hope you can get him in the positive again!

 

I can't obviously know the details about his childhood but I can relate to a certain degree since I come from a similar place. Personally at a certain point I refused to blame anybody else for who or what I am and that's pretty much what straightened me out.

Posting personal problems publicly on the internet in a negative way is a major tell to me. And not a good one.

He might need some outside help but he's gonna have to do the heavy lifting himself.

 

Thousands of peoples with income tax issues, Strutting around like they are on top of the world. Hope he can gain some perspective and focus in on your business venture. Peace & Love.

 

I'm sorry about your losses and the tough time you are having.

He is very immature and is wallowing in self pity. The thing about wallowing is that you start to enjoy it and don't want to change anything.

My husband grew up in an abusive home. His older siblings got the worst of it. He has his own bitterness and anger but he didn't let it ruin his chance at having a life. His older brother is miserable and on meds to deal with his childhood. Unfortunately, he is stuck in the past and won't let go of the hurtful things and so he can't enjoy the present. Your husband needs counseling to help him get over it. But it's also a CHOICE. If he doesn't choose to fix his situation now, he will forever repeat it. I hope he has an awakening of sorts or he will end up a lonely, bitter old man.

Good luck to you. Try to stay positive. I know it's hard, but a good outlook in life is much better than the alternative.