Parents who support their teens sexual relationship?

In respect of Birth Control (and Sexual education) it is good to have an open corridor of communication whereupon supportive advice is given.
The encouragement and direction towards who, over what, however, lies less easily.
Sex and Love are two different aspects of a relationship - whereas one is pleasurable - for those parties themselves, the latter requires more finer tuned compromise, understanding and development from only 'they' as a couple can work in/for/towards it's longevity

 

Teens are sexual hormone driven, we have all been there, being open about it and helping them get real info, not stuff off the internet is very important. I know with mine I have always answered them straight up about everything they ask and try and talk to them as much as possible about it

 

Encouraging it is kind of weird.

But I agree that a parent and child should be open about it.
And it's good to make sure your child is being safe if you find that they are having sex.

It's a much better relationship then making your child afraid to tell you things.

 

You need to be on the side of the parent and the kid. My daughter went on birth control when she was 14. I knew she would end up being sexually active and she did. She and her boyfriend were very responsible about it and we talked about a lot of things concerning sex and sexuality. She died when she was 16 years, 7 months and 1 day old. That was almost 14 years ago. I still talk to her boyfriend. I'm glad she had the opportunity to experience love and sex before she died.

 

If you don't want to be judged about your sex life, don't judge others...

 

Aww wow, you sound like a great mom, sorry for your loss.

 

Thank you.. I watched my different SIL's and how they handled their own daughters and decided I didn't want to be like that. I was glad my daughter could talk to me about anything, and did in great detail.

I have one niece that I am very close to and she talks to me rather than her mother, who is very religious and judgmental. This niece, who is beautiful and very sweet, got terribly mixed messages about sex... dress sexy but don't like sex and forget about having any. Of course, the girl did and felt so guilty about it that she called rape when none existed. When she became pregnant, she called me before she called her mother and was terrified about what her mother was going to say. This gorgeous girl has such a low self esteem that she has become a stripper and gotten breast enlargements twice, in an attempt to gain approval, especially men, but ultimately from her mother. She has two sons, but wants to get married because she thinks that will be the answer to all of her dreams and prayers.

It's very sad to watch. I wanted Courtney to like and enjoy sex and not be afraid of it like I was. It took me a long, long time to appreciate sex just for the enjoyment aspect. Looking back, I see that as such a huge waste of time.

It would have been so much better if I could have enjoyed everything that sex has to offer when I was younger. Guilt and fear are terrible things.

 

Sorry about your daughter. Might I ask what happened to cause her premature passing? Reply in private messaging if you prefer.

But yeah I agree with your parenting views on this topic and how to handle it.

 

Hmm...very interesting post. As my son is now three years and 2 months I have been wondering for a little while now when to talk to him about the last subject. I actually tried having a couple talks with him... the "bad touch" talk, stranger talk and fire talk... but I don't feel he understood a lot. I was talking to him a little before he turned 3... maybe I should wait til he's 4... but yea this is something, thinking of the right way to talk to a very young kid that I wonder about...

 

I think it's different for every child, and certainly IQ plays a role in how much they understand from the actual lecture. (any lecture about any complex real world topic)

If I was a betting man, I would bet that in my kindergarten class, that "good touch vs bad touch" lecture flew over the heads of many of my peers.

I would suggest age 5-6 is a better time to go into that subject. Before that stick to lessons about them not wandering off, being potty trained, and what is and isn't appropriate to do/say in public.

The lectures about topics like kidnapping, assault, and all of that can happen a little bit later in my humble opinion. And just approach the topic like any other serious topic.

Also take opportunities kids offer, such as when they ask about what they see on the news about a kidnapped person, and why bad things happen, and try to segway topics into the questions they are naturally seeking answers too.

 

Okay, thanks. Yea, I think you are probably right. Espiecially because my son is not yet in pre-school ..not in daycare, etc. - So, so far he is always either with me or my husband or my mom or his other grandma, etc.- I do think I need to have SOME sort of talk w him before he starts anything that he is not around people I know and trust though... but I'm gonna start him in pre school when he's 4.5 years so I'll wait til then and then do some mild talk then....oh and you know what, the not wandering thing! That IS very important. Because lately he has been loving to run off in stores and stuff ....which obviously if he runs off too far and gets lost then ... yea all those bad things can happen. I am trying not to get him to run off but yea....think I need to work harder on that because as of right now he seems to think it's funny...a game.

 

The good touch vs bad touch is a good start, but it has to go further than that. I worked with kids and parents for 20 years and it was amazing how many never had any kind of talk with their kids about any kind of safety. When I was a kid it was all about watching out for the dirty old man who was the predator. But it was a family friend, a babysitter and boyfriend who raped and abused me. We were never cautioned about these kinds of things.

So I made sure that my kids understood that no one had the right to touch them without their consent. I even asked the doctors to please ask the kids before exams so that they knew their consent was being respected.

When my daughter started her period, I explained what it was and what it meant, and what sex was for... how it felt, why we did it (all of the reasons), what her responsibilities were, the emotions involved, and how society reacts to it all. I had the same kinds of discussions with my son too, although my daughter liked to talk about it much more than my son. Both were totally open and honest about their sexuality and sex life, probably because they knew I wasn't going to freak out or condemn them about what they did or thought.

These kinds of discussions need to start at a young age.. not so much about sex, but about everything. If kids know you are going to be calm and open minded about other things, they are more likely talk to you about sex later on. You can't wait until they are 16 or 18 and expect to have the sex talk with them one time and then think that everything will be hunky dory, (like my BIL did and then was shocked when his daughter told him she was pregnant).

You also have to give your kids chances to make decisions for themselves, even at young ages.. like what socks to wear or if they want orange juice or apple juice. If they don't get practice throughout childhood to do this things, when it comes to the really big issues in their teens, they won't know how to do it.

 

Actually the Age of consent in most states is sixteen. Because California has an age of consent of 18, people mistakenly think that it's the law nationwide when only about 13 or so states have an age of consent that high.

http://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_of_sexual_consent_in_the_United_States

 

Well that and the confusing signals that in FEDERAL law, 18 is the age of consent.

This applies if some sex act is solicited from person A to person B, and the method of communication (like a cell phone signal or internet connection) crosses State lines, then the age of consent is NOT 16 anymore, it becomes 18 because federal law supersedes State law, and this is "interstate commerce" (even if no money exchanges hands).

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Parents and children need to know legalese when they have "the talk", especially in the age of smartphones, cyber stalking, cyber bullying, sexing, and social networking.

It's definitely a topic parents and schools have to address, and I'll bet it's affecting the quality of learning outcomes in school under the microscope of peer social anxiety.

 

I know of none who encourage, a few who would rather it didn't happen but want it to be safe sex if it does.

 

Best way to handle that, is chase after him fast, grab him by the shoulders and tell them firmly to not run off like that, and give him a consequence (like taking away some privilege that he gets rewarded for), and when you give that privilege back, explain why you reacted the way you did.

Taking away a beloved toy, for like 6-12 hours should do it, let them sleep on a night of knowing they can't play with certain toys or leave the house to play on a scheduled playdate. (assuming the other parent understands and CAN also cancel the playdate, if you are returning a daycare kinda playdate this isn't a viable option).


You currently run the danger of reinforcing the behavior, hence why he thinks running off in public places is a good and fun thing to do with you in public. And when you end his consequence, give him lots of kisses and hugs, and make yourself a little teary-eyed so he knows why the prospect of him getting snatched away is why.


It's also a good idea to give your kid instructions or advice on what to do if INADVERTENTLY lost. For instance seek out a store employee who can be found behind countertops, might be in uniform, and ask for help. This is also the age where I think most kids learn what 911 is, and what their phone # is and other emergency information, like home address and zip code.

 

An update - I recently spent 5 days a nudist resort in Virginia where I have been with my family for many years. I have reported that in years past, some parents have a tendency to look the other way when it comes to their children act out sexually, unless it is overt, then the kids get admonished. During drinks on night, it was obvious that some of the kids, as young as 11 or 12, were pairing off to get some "personal time." This is the same as I had done at the same age. The parents of those kids just smiled and winked. As one parent told me once, their kids were just exploring their boundaries. I am not saying this to shock anyone, it is more as an report. This is how my own parents acted when I was that age. I admit that I am torn on how I feel about it. The experience was fun and wonderful in many respects but I understand from others that they had entirely different experience for themselves.

 

I would provide the contraception and encourage, but not expect my son or daughter to be honest with me, but I wouldn't encourage them to do or not do anything. Sex and anything that has to do with sex is a personal choice. As for parents who do, do that, parenting comes in many forms, so I respect that form of parenting when it comes to sex, but I don't agree with it.

 

On the flip side, is it better to give a young teen, who is wanting to be active, a vibrator or a sex toy. Given the choice between an active teen and a vibrator, I imagine most would go with vibrator.

 

But it's not necessarily the same in texture, or psychological/social experience.