Real Talk About Me.

Hey, just follow your heart - everything else will fall into place. Wishing you much peace and good luck in the future

 

It is said that people never change. I believe that statement is completely false, because I know from experience that when you want to change, then you do change. You will be okay, because you hate those aspects of your mother. Nobody wants to be what they hate.

You're a smart woman, and you possess the ability to step outside and view yourself. That's awesome, because not many people can do that!
You are going to be just fine. :rockon:

 

*sarcasm*

 

So you were being sarcastic in your first post? If so, I agree with people who say that there needs to be a sarcasm font, lol. It didn't come through for me. I just thought it was kind of harsh, but then thought maybe you had a nasty past of your own that you were projecting onto the situation.

On a serious note, though, I have separated myself from her a lot. I used to let her drag me down with her guilt and would call her every night to listen to her cry in my ear about how much she missed me, but as time has gone on, she has found other things to occupy her time. I know she acts the way she does because she is miserable. She is still technically married to my father even though they have been separated for the better part of two decades, and because they aren't divorced, she can't marry the guy I refer to as my stepdad. But he's emotionally distant and works long hours away from the house, so she is often lonely, with no one to keep her company but her bitter, emotionally co-dependent sister, whom she has to support financially in addition to her own household. I would probably go crazy under those circumstances too. In fact, the time I acted most like her was when I was with my last boyfriend, who encouraged a co-dependent relationship with me, even when he wasn't interested in me anymore and was just staying so he wouldn't be alone. Super fun! He has been instrumental in my awakening, though, so in a lot of ways I am grateful to him.

 

No, I was being sarcastic in my second post.

You said your mom was abused as a child. . She stayed there even as adult to be "the good daughter", her sense of responsibility. Maybe she wanted to leave but fear kept her there. You say she is miserable, lonely and misses you. You have no empathy for her? You want it, but aren't willing to give it. How much pain has your mom been through?
(I can tell you though, you do not have to physically leave an area to gain perspective and knowledge.)

If your therapist is continually baffled by your mother's behavior, she needs to take a step back and stop leading you. That is not a Therapists role.


You are complaining about your life and your mom being the cause of how you are. I mean....really? Take responsibility for your own life, you are an adult. Whining about mommy is not going to help you learn and grow. Your apparent anger at her will only hold you back and cause you great harm.

You need to learn to vibrate on a higher plane...and that would involve stopping this shit about your mom. Take responsibility for your own life and how you behave.
Stop blaming your mom for who you are. It is victim mentality and the only thing standing between you and your happiness is YOU. Not your history, your attitude.

You and only you, are responsible for your current reality, no matter what your mom has or hasn’t done to you, or for you.

 

First off, this is in the confessions forum, so clearly I don't feel that any of this is exemplary. Second, I have already stated most of this myself, so you're not telling me anything I don't know. Empathy? Yes, I have empathy for her. I act like her when I'm miserable and being abused, which is how I recognized it in her in the first place. I worry about her, but I can't save her. She trapped herself and has done so time and time again in her life. I refuse to be trapped- be it by family and social contract or by a depressed area where there are no jobs. I'm not completely devoid of feelings for her, but there is only so much that I can pour into that bottomless cup. She's a glutton for it. I can't make her happy and she never fails to remind me of that. A mother is supposed to put their child first- to equip them with the tools to stand on their own. Mine didn't even teach me how to fold a shirt, let alone have the emotional maturity to let me live my own life when it was more than time. I learned from a young age that I had to be the adult and the bigger person, and at almost 30 years old, I'm pretty fucking tired of it. If she had her way, I would still be in that dead end town, probably working at the dollar store making $8/hr funneling it all into her house.

Angry? Yes, I am angry. Bad attitude? Probably, but I feel like right now, while I'm coming to terms with all of this shit, it would be more unhealthy to paint some bliss-ninny facade over my anger and pretend I'm too enlightened to feel it.

I used to have disassociative episodes where I would be completely devoid of emotion, usually triggered by extreme social stress like fights in the household. I had to close myself up in my room until they passed because that was the only way I could recover myself. She was practically clawing at the door trying to get affection from me, and I barely knew who she was. When I was so riddled with anxiety to the point where I couldn't eat and went down to 90 pounds, she would sit and stare at me and nag me and yell at me while I tried not to vomit during dinner, even after I begged her to stop and told her it was making it worse. When I told her I had social anxiety and couldn't function well in social situations, she berated me for being socially inept and told me to just get over myself. I have wanted to be in therapy since I was 11, and she has refused because "what would people say??"

Also, maybe you are confusing a therapist with a psychiatrist. The former is allowed to play the part of confidante to a degree, while the psychiatrist is much more clinical (unless every therapist I've ever seen was a bad one). She reacts to my pain by confirming that my mother's behavior isn't healthy and by affirming that I do not owe anyone anything- a notion that has taken me a long time to even entertain let alone implement in my life. If you disagree with that, then I'm going to have to disagree with you.

Lastly, I realize that I am responsible for myself and my healing. This thread was part of it. It's an acknowledgement of my flaws and a declaration of my intentions to change. I realize that my relationship with my mother is part of that, but realizing that does not magically make it go away, nor does it make it possible to instantaneously forgive.

 

Firefly...you are entitled to your own path...how you feel along the way...and nothing to feel badly about ever....I am sorry you feel you have to explain yourself further....a trap I always got caught in myself. I am sick and tired of know it all people trying to tell me what i should feel, how I should feel it, etc.....and then me like a jerk trying to explain further to them...f that..
the old saying goes..."Walk a mile in my shoes and then make your judgements...."

 

I don't mind it all that much. I enjoy the opportunity to talk it out. That's one of the reasons I posted here. I'm actually shocked I haven't faced more opposition on this. I've expressed some difficult opinions in this thread. I might get mad, but I'll survive. This thread was about honesty.

Plus, I grew up arguing. Why should I quit now? :devil:

 

LOL ^ i hear you!

 

Thing is....many people have walked that mile in your shoes....probably even your own mom. I've been both...the daughter who thought my parents should have done this and that, and I'd have better relationships of my daddy had done this....

And I've been the mom.

So...been there, done that.

Hey...if I was a therapist, I'd be like the Drill Sergeant one on that Geico commercial:


Patient: “And that’s why yellow makes me sad I think”
Sarge: “That’s interesting… You know what makes me sad? YOU DO! Maybe we should chug on over to namby-pamby land where maybe we can find some self confidence for you ya jackwagon. Tissue?” ::throws box at patient::

 

^^
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9VX8g8cDTo

Just kidding. I actually just started reading a book called "What Happy People Know". It starts off talking about the biology of the brain and how we are hardwired to have fear control us as an earlier part of evolution. Eventually it gets into how we can override those parts of our subconscious to move forward into happiness.

C/S,
Rev J

 

^FUNNY

I have it in me to tell the people giving other people orders to STHFU already!

 

Lmao omg I remember that commercial...
That's fine, like I say, it takes all kinds, but one of many reasons I'm not in the military is because I talk back too much! Drill sergeant just lights my fire. But I wouldn't have posted if I wasn't curious about opinions, so thank you for sharing.

And JC, I almost forgot about Dennis Leary. Thank you. I could use him tonight.

 

'Drill sergeant' kind of behavior would make me cry. It would actually make me feel like a victim, which is funny because I'm sure people who act like this don't want me to have a victim mentality. On top of that, I wouldn't try to explain myself or fight in any way. I would just shut down and tell them that they're right. Everything they're saying is right. Ultimately, resulting in saying, "I know if you lived my life you would have became better. I'm sorry I didn't end up as beautiful and worthwhile as you." Then I would walk away. Not that I ever done that, but I think I would if I was in the situation. However, I can't deal with overt sympathy either. It's so insincere to me that the person sounds like they're grasping at straws because they don't know what to say. But, they want to say something, not because of the other person, but because they want to make themselves feel better. So, they say something very generic, like " I'm sorry. I hope things get better.", but in reality they just want to get away from the person as fast as they can.

All in all, I think people don't know how to handle tragedy, whether it's their own or having someone share it with them. So, my best advice is to keep your mouth shut, and deal with your tragedies as best as you can in secret. Also, remember that most tragedies do terminate themselves in time or with some effort. Finally, don't put yourself in a situation where someone happens to come to you with their tragedy. I think people with tragedies don't go to people. They're tragic, why would they? It's those drill sergeant kind of people or the sympathetic kind of people that I talked about above... that are all up on these people and these people are all up on them, and there is just a lot of all up on each other.

Though, it feels like a bed of clouds experiencing a person with the ability to empathize. I think most people don't have that ability. And you would have to be one lucky SOB to get the chance to experience at least one in your lifetime. I haven't, but I heard those people are quite euphoric.

 

As a man of god I'm glad to help.

C/S,
Rev J