Feeling Inadequate...

I've been with my now wife since high school, 12 yrs in Nov. Recently my sex drive has sky-rocketed (turn 28 in Aug) and with it feelings of inadequacy have rose up too. I'm absolutely embarrassed to admit, in our time together, I don't think I've actually seen her orgasm. She refuses any oral sex (m or f), won't let me rub her clit, and when I try to use a toy, she complains that it "tickles." To add to the humiliation, the frequency of intercourse, as you can imagine, has significantly decreased over the years. Sometimes I feel like we go weeks, not days, between sex(this is part the man in me exaggerating, part fact). I know I can't be the only one that feels this is absolutely unacceptable for a young couple.

I frequently feel when we are having sex that she is disinterested, vacant, and almost spectating the act. I bought her toys so that she can get excited for it and get off with me, but so far that hasn't happened. This is where the frustration and feeling inadequate come in. It feels like a total slap in the face to know that she is masturbating without me while I'm starved for sex. I have an strong urge to be responsible for her sexual enjoyment, but she actively resists that and makes me feel like I can't please her.

Is there anything that can help in this situation? I have an incredibly strong urge make her orgasm, but she just doesn't seem to want to make that happen. Is it me or her? Neither or both? Help!!!

 

Have you tried talking to your wife and telling her what your needs are?

 

Yeah, we talk plenty. She feels like I am masturbation shaming her and focuses on the amount of sex we have. This morning she said she wants to increase the amount we have to 2 times a week and that makes me happy to know that we're working on solutions, but it doesn't fix our other issues like her not cumming and her making sex feel like a chore. It might sound selfish, but i don't want extra sex if its just gonna be about me; I need to feel like I'm fulfilling her. I feel so far behind the sexual curve, I mean I didn't even know to what extent a clitoris can erect until last night watching cam porn... I feel robbed that I haven't gotten to suck and rub on any clitorises. I mean its so bad that its to the point where my hands feel phantom sensations, a strange ghost of pleasure, urging to know the feeling of her climaxing.

I want to also point out that this is a 2-fold question. Perhaps the larger of the two issues is the masturbation jealousy. Since she works as a nurse at nights, she needs to be left alone when going to sleep in the morning. This means she never has any problems with getting "caught" because I have to leave her alone. This creates a significant amount of distrust since I don't know when she does it, but I know she's finding the time.. It just feels awful, and the fact that it feels awful feels wrong, which is why I'm here asking questions.

 

In the past, has your wife ever been sexually molested, raped, or assaulted in any way?

What medications does your wife take?

Does she watch pornography?

 

I can't speak for other women, but I don't always have an orgasm when my husband and I have sex. This doesn't mean I do not enjoy the sex I have with my husband. We have an amazing sex life. It isn't as easy for women to cum as it is for men, I don't think. And I know it is near next to impossible for a woman to have an orgasm if she feels any amount of pressure to do so.

I think, going forward, you should stop worrying about your wife having an orgasm, and focus more on makings sure she feels safe and loved. Focus on tenderness, cuddling, kissing, romance, closeness in that way. When you do have sex, look her in the eyes, stroke her hair, listen to her body. Take her out for a romantic dinner, buy a bottle of wine, hold her hand. Have a bath together.

In regards to your wife masturbating, I think it is perfectly healthy for anyone in a marriage or relationship to have that time with themselves. I couldn't imagine my partner getting jealous or feeling like he cant trust me because I masturbate on my own time once in a while. Your wife has the right to feel like she is safe and free to pleasure herself, without you beating down her neck or feeling insecure about it.

 

I was watching doco the other day that stated the female orgasm really plays no part in the evolutionary chain of events that lead to procreation. It is most likely a trait that females obtain from the male gene early in development. Just like how males probably get nipples from the female crossed gene and they play no part to a males life.

So this doco claims that women able to achieve orgasm can thank the males for the pleasure.

Now what that would suggest to me is that this is probably why the female orgasm varies so considerably from superior emotions to absofruitly nothing. So I wouldn't be too concerned with it tbh, could be a chance where that gene or hormone or whatever just wasn't crossed while the embrio grew.

I dunno if that made sense, I'm no scientist or human anatomy person. But I thought it was still interesting.

 

Okay, I will say this--my wife took a birth control called Yasmine, and it made her frigid and it gave her complications coming to orgasm. She switched to TriCyclen and it made a huge difference. Secondly, there are a lot of women in the world who either have never achieved an orgasm or have difficulty doing so (Especially including women who've been sexually assaulted). My suggestion is for you to put your technical hat on, and start reading articles and watching videos about clitoral and G-spot stimulation. Make sure you are aware of her body language, and do your best to read if she is liking what you're doing or not.

Women are different with there preferences, but when I stimulate my wife's clitoris, she likes fairly fast counterclockwise rubbing with gentle to moderate pressure. The best analogy I can use to describe the action is to pretend you're buffing/polishing a tiny matchbox car with one finger. She likes the pressure and the pace to stay consistent. She will usually orgasm in 10 minutes or less. When she orgasms, her thighs will slam shut tightly together and she will tense up like a board. When I combine it with G-spot stimulation, the inside of her will pulsate and throb vigorously.

Lastly, I will say this--forget about awkward shyness and embarrassment, maintain communication with her and get feedback and keep improving on your techniques. You will demystify her vagina and get her screaming and cumming in no time with a little persistence and determination.

Hope that helps.