ive been on many drugs for many years. mostly to avoid having to deal with my problems, or maybe find the answers to them. but i recently realized this isnt going to shit for me except make things worse. i decided to quit doing everything. no more drugs of any kind. i have to get my head back on straight. ive been eating large amounts of acid, rolls, coke, weed, shrooms, and hundreds of different pills since i was 14. and i've been on drugs for 6 years untill now. there was this part of me that i wanted to kill. something i didnt want to have inside of me. something like a demon living inside my own mind. but i realized that i cant fight it anymore. it wont go away, no matter what i do. and after many years of trying to avoid myself, i cant run anymore. i've wasted so many years of my life trying to hide the fact that i am gay. women are just not that appealing to me. this is the first time i have ever mentioned this to anyone, even anounomously over the internet. its taken me this long to accept that this is what i am. i dont know many others like myself, and the ones that i did meet i treated horribly. i said nasty hurtful things to them, gave them cold looks and sometimes would go way out of my way just to make them feel bad. i guess it was all just jealousy. they could all do something that i was to afraid to do, and still am. im too afraid to tell anybody else about this. i will never be looked at the same again. my friends would fuckin freak out if they knew, and my psyche has already been fucked up enough as it is. the last thing i need is to be outcasted. but its that or let my own mind torture me. what have i become? i dont know what to do. i think a lot of this fear and guilt comes from a catholic upbringing. even though i hate christianity in all of its forms, some of its ideals and principals are still locked in the back of my mind. it feels like being gay is wrong, like im going to destroy my life if im gay. but that cant be true. i would actually be happier if i didnt have to hold deep secrets all the time, but it still feels wrong and i dont get it. so my main question to all of you is this. how do i overcome this fear and guilt over being a homosexual? what can i do to stop being so hateful to people i want to be friends with? im 20 years old and have never had sex in my life. i know its not too late tho. i want to do this but i just dont know how. it feels like im just my own worst enemy. i need help. is there anyone out there in cyberspace that can help me? i could really use some good advice
are you living at home? I suggest you 'leave town,' not to run away, but to heal. I've been through this, the drug stuff, but I'm not gay; i'm bisexual. I know how you feel, though. It's good that you are no longer denying it. It's good to get away from harmful environments until you can handle them. So you've treated your Self pretty badly, haven't you? It's time to start making it up to yourself, wouldn't you say? if you want, pm me. I've been healing for almost a year now.. there are somethings I'd love to pass on, but I feel strange just posting them. Don't forget--''If this world seems cold to you, kindle fires to warm it.'' and "Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion." What I'm trying to say is love yourself, babe, because the only way you can love anyone else is if you really love yourself. How can you give something that you don't have?
Hey first of all i'd just like to say how brave your being facing up to the things in your life that you know need to change. You might feel this is a small step but the first one is always the hardest, so, well done. It sounds like you dont really have anyone you can talk openly to so it might be time to decide which relationships and friendships in your life you can do without. Sometimes you need to clear out the old before you introduce new things into your life. All this change will seem very hard at first but just keep reminding yourself that you want a better life with better people in it and there are support groups out there that can talk you through some of the more difficult times and you should look into them. I know it might feel like it sometimes but you are not alone. It sounds to me like you are starting to take control of your happiness and you will have to keep learning to be strong as you go along. I know its scarey realising that your the only person who is going to be able to change your own life but your also the best person to do it as you will always know yourself better than anyone else ever could. Right now take your time dont try and move mountains. Learn to accept your sexuality yourself before you even begin worrying about other peoples oppinions of it. I dont think your quite ready to come out to the people in your life just yet but you are taking the first steps to overcomming the things in life that you feel are holding you back. You'll know when your ready to come out and there's really no hurry so relax about it. Maybe it will be in a month or a year or maybe further down the line when you meet someone really speacil that you want to share your life with. Right now concentrate on not slipping back into bad habbits. You dont need to punish yourself for wanting to be yourself. I know you feel bad about the people you have been nasty to. If they arent people you see all the time then just learn by your mistakes and accept that you were wrong to say or do those things, then move on. If you are in contact with them then maybe one day when you feel ready you could take them aside and explain that you are sorry for how you acted and that you will understand if they are still feeling hurt about it. Its hard to say sorry but it might help you feel better about yourself afterwards. I can't speak for God but i know we're not all here just to pretend to be things we arent or to be miserable. We're supposed to make each other happy so when the times comes dont feel guilty for letting another human being bring happiness into your life and vise versa. Dont ever be ashamed of wanting to be happy because its unhealthy to hide from your true feelings. What you feel is natural for you and no one has a right to dictate how you should think or feel.
