Keep being told they don’t want to have sex

I’ve had a couple of girls spend the night lately, we’ve started kissing and messing around a little but they both stopped me after half an hour or so and said “just to be clear I don’t want to have sex right now”, both times I’ve shrugged it off, said no problem there’s no need to rush anything and we’ve resumed what we were doing.

Trouble is by that point I’m just a bit bored of kissing and fondling and when I know it’s not going to lead anywhere I struggle to get hard. Both girls ended up taking offence to this asking why I’m being weird and even questioning if I actually like them.

I’ve only been with a small handful of women and it’s always just been straight forward but what exactly are they expecting from me when they say they don’t want to have sex? Do they want to stop kissing or are they just testing me to make sure I’m into them?

I’m not asking how to get them to have sex with me at this point, I respect their decisions if they don’t want to, I just want to know if there’s something else we can do together besides just instantly rolling over and going sleep?

 

Whilst some girls are Okay with sex on the first date, many are not. You haven't indicated on how long you have been seeing them ,so more time and patience may be needed .

 

It’s always 3-4 dates in.

As I said I’m not questioning them not wanting to have sex right away I’m questioning what exactly they want from me when they say it. Should I just stop or is there something else they’re expecting? They usually say “we can do other stuff” which lead to a BJ the second time this happened but on the most recent incident it was almost like she was waiting for something else and then she got a bit upset when she noticed I wasn’t hard

 

Play it cool with them. Don’t push them into anything. Are all your dates virgins? How are you? If they are willing to give you a blow job, then they must have some other desires you haven’t found yet.

 

No not virgins. I’m not either but as I said in my first post I’m not very experienced and I’m always worried that gets projected in situations like this.

The last girl I was seeing was very clear she didn’t want sex but then when I started trying to dial things back she asked me why I was being weird. We’d just been kissing and touching for about half an hour so I didn’t think I was. Just trying to work out what I’m doing wrong haha

 

For what its worth I don't think you are doing anything wrong. I would just play it cool and let them make the first move. An indication that she is ready for sex is if she sticks a hand up your shirt or starts unbuttoning a few buttons on your shirt .Verbally you could ask something like " Well what happens now ? "

 

I think with the last encounter she seemed a bit concerned that I wasn’t getting hard after a long make out but as she already said she didn’t want to have sex I was just a bit confused about why it was an issue. I was trying to wind things down because I couldn’t really tell where it was going

 

If you are touching each other intimately then that us sex, just not intercourse. So maybe she wants to stroke and touch your penis and testicles or give you a blow job but not have intercourse. Does she want you to stroke and caress her intimately as well. So when she says, I don't want to..., you need to discuss what she would like to do. Contrary to popular belief, we don't all get erections to order. If she wants to do something with your erect penis, and it's not (erect), then there's nothing stopping her taking it from limp to erect. It just sounds like they are inexperienced as well, and are expecting certain things, and aren't able or willing to communicate what they want, when it's not happening.

For instance you'll learn with more sexual experience, that what is earth shattering for one woman is so so for another. So each new partner you have to tune in what works for them sexually. That'll develop over time. It's why sex in long term relationships and amongst older couples is so much better than the fumblings of youth and inexperience.

 

That’s some really good advice, thanks. It sounds like the biggest problem for me has been communication, i rarely talk at all during sex and that’s probably where I’ve been going wrong.

I’ve always seen asking questions as a sign of inexperience but I’m starting to realise now that it’s actually really important