ok ,a few weeks ago my boyfriends of 2 yrs broke up with me, he said he loves me and cares about me and that i am his best friend, but he needs to put his school first b/c if he doesnt pass everything he is like supper screwed ( the whole situation is shitty for him and it definately is something he needs to focus on, its too lengthy to explain) he said he just cant have a gf right now and if he did it would be me.so anyway, since then we talk on the phone and spent vday together, and when i go places with him, he holds my hand and hugs me and when we get home we cuddle in bed together (things we always did) he will like lay on top of me and tell me how beautiful i am and he will just stare at me and kiss me and thank me for being there for him through this. but see, with all the cuddling and kissing, it is leading to sex and we have had sex every time we have been together since he "broke up" with me. I THOUGHT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE FRIENDS. i dont have sex with my friends, or kiss them..etc etc. I love him so much and i want to be there for him, and i dont know what i would do if i couldnt cuddle with him or kiss him to show him i love him, but i am soo confused about this. its not any different than before except he doesnt say he loves me and we dont see eachother everyday. i have problems having sex with anyone who doesnt love me and who isnt my boyfriend, but even though we arent labeling ourselves as such, it is still wierd to me because i do love him. SO should i keep doing this because there is a connection with us and i do care about him, or am i fooling myself here.. im so confused about this whole thing, i want to be supportive of him and i love being able to kiss him etc. but what do you think about this situation? im confused. im also afraid to tell him cuz i dont want to stop cuddling with him and so on, i just dont know if this whole thing is going to end up hurting me..
He wants the best of both worlds. he wants his freedom and to not have any attentive obligation to you but he still wants the benefits of you and to sleep with you and a chance with you in the future. Basically he wants the milk but doesn't want to take care of the cow. I would stop seeing him unless you do want to be friends and then just don't go past friend like hugging.
Why don't you talk to him? Exactly the way you are talking to us here, except with a tone that is a little less insecure.. That is the most direct way of clarifying this issue - ask him how he feels; if he's still committed to you in a way (would he be willing to date someone else if the oppurtunity arrived); if school is the SOLE reason for the breakup (which I am suspicious of). It does sound like he just needs some head space right now, which I can relate to .. but find out if that's ALL it is. If it is, then respect that. If it's something else, then find out what it is - which might lead to the conclusion that it is not a good idea to keep hooking up with him. Communicate! w3rd
is it a huge problem with you if he doesn't want a relationship and just wants sex? think about the opportunity
I think that analogy is a little extreme. It sounds like he needs some head space right now, and she is volunteering herself as company - it's not like he is taking advantage of the situation, as from his perspective she seems quite willing to maintain an intimate relationship. If she were to talk to him about her concerns, and he still pushed to have this "broken up but we still have sex" relationship then you could use an analogy like the one above.
yeah...no doubt...if you guys are still seeing each other on a regular basis and are still essentially having the same relationship before, and all that's missing is the title and the "i love you", then why can't he have a girlfriend? that's just kinda weird...then again, boys can be REALLY weird. like lynsey said, it sounds like he wants the milk but he doesn't want to take care of the cow... you should talk to him...tell him that he needs to be clear about his intentions. does he still want a physical relationship but nothing more? does he still love you? if he DOES still love you, and he still wants to be physical, why can't there still be a relationship? i am a pretty busy girl, being a student and all, but i'm pretty damn crazy in love with my fiance', and i wouldn't break it off with him just because i had a lot of homework to do...he understands that my doing of the homework sometimes equals less time spent together but that it will pay off for my future and the futures of both of us... so, why does he have to break it off with you because of school after two years of being together? ask him. you deserve to know the truth. tell him that if he really loves you, he will tell you the whole truth and nothing but, and not play games. of course keep in mind that many people are in love with each other, know it, and are not in a "committed" relationship. the word "relationship" is used loosely in our language...see, since you guys are still seeing each other, you still have a relationship, it's just not a committed one right now. a friendship is another KIND of relationship, as well. if you guys are in-between a love and a platonic relationship right now, that's only okay if both of you are okay with it. but if you aren't, there have to be clearer boundaries set.
she already had sex with him outside of the relationship. A few times. He's thinks it's just fine and dandy with both partners so if it's not she needs to say something soon. You're never obligated to have sex with anyone, but she's sending the wrong message by continuing to have sex with him.
If you are still acting like your in a relationship... Is he really concentration on what he needs to... or has nothing changed... do you still see him as much? or less? ...It seems unfair.... Why cant you be together and support him through what hes going through... Thats what you do.. be there for each other... help each other.. support each other.. Thats part of girlfriends job... It doesnt make sense.. you need to clarify alittle more... I would talk to him...
see, i agree with what you guys are saying, my belief is that when times get tough in a relationship you stick together and work through it, i understand he needs to focus on school and work, andi have no problem backing off a bit and helping him out, i dont understand how breaking up with me needs to happen, and this is the 2nd time this occured, its like everytime something comes up in his life that is a boundary to overcome, he breaks up with me instead of going through it with me and my help. i just dont see how if you love someone and want to be with them, you can break it off that easily b/c of homework, i am in college and i have my things to do, but i love him soo much no matter how busy i was i wouldnt find it as a reason to break it off. and yes i am seeing him less now, as opposed to everyday maybe like 2 times a week. i know plenty of people who deal with keeping grades up, a job AND a girlfriend, so i think that might be an excuse because this is just a normal part of life, no reason to break up, especially if you really care for them...and someone asked about why this is his reason, he said in his mind he puts his gf first, and by putting me first he wasnt focusing on everything else, he only was focusing on me, that he cant help it thats how it is for him, so he needed to break it off so he can put the other things first. I think he needs to learn the word BALANCE and try giving equal time to everything.but its a bit late for that.
I don't think he really even deserves to be your friend if he's jerking you around like that. Guys don't break up with you when they truely love you. Find somone who's deserving of your attention and somone who cares enough to make you happy and value you.
thanx, i agree, i know i am good relationship material, im a one man kind of girl and i think so positively all i want to do is make my partner happy and help out when rough times arise, i never get a chance to help out when he just tosses me away when the going gets tough. and it hasnt even been anythin like super tough so i cant imagine being in a relationship with someone who cant help you through hard times. the tough part is i do care soo much for him and thats not something thats easy to just stop doing... last year he broke up with me a couple days after i told him i found out my dad had a horrific nerve disease and they had to take all his blood out and clean it then put it back in him or he would die. i thought my dad was going to die, and just because he was going through family problems he dumped me anyway, no support from him or anythng. didnt even ask how my dad was doing or call me or anything. i went through the hell of thinking my dad was dying AND losing my best friend all a once. YET I STILL LOVE HIM. i am forgiving i can help it. but is there any excuse for that? he apologized and everything but now that i think about it.. i dont know. sorry to change topics
i think you would be doing the right thing by leaving his life. i'm sorry you've been through so much pain. He sounds very selfish and you sound like you deserve a lot better.
Twelve years ago I was in a very similar situation. I was a mess. Very confused but I loved him so much I couldn't just let go. We would "break up" but still call each other now and again and when we did get together we would start off as "friends" but by the end of the night I was in his arms. The only place I wanted to be. This went on for about a year. We had some lengthy periods (4 months was the most) where we wouldn't talk. We gave each other space which is what we really both needed. I spent that time to work on me and get my head together. The last time we broke up I said I was finished. I had enough. A week later he asked me to marry him. We have been married for 9 years and we have two lil' boys. I'm not trying to give you false hope. What is happening now sucks and it takes a toll on the nerves. When your not with him I would do my best to enjoy your life. Get up, get out, and live YOUR life. That will only make you stronger. You know your heart and you know your limits. If this is destroying you then I would suggest giving yourself some space. I wish you well
thanks that really helps a lot. thats what i am going to do, and i have been getting off to a good start just doing my thing and not letting it bother me to much because i might as well be happy because getting torn up over it wont change how things turn out. what is meant to be will be, and until then no more sex. i just cant do that if i am not in a relationship. i need to hear the i love you's to give myself to someone, and i need to know they are true. plus, if he can get away with having the best of both worlds, being friends and the sex, then he will never appreciate or want me as a girlfriend because he has it good the way it is. there needs to be benifits to me being a girlfriend and sex is one of them.
