Sexual Dysfunction and masturbation

I will start this with some personal stuff about myself. I am 56 years old and last year I was diagnosed with higher functioning autism. My main problem is socialising so never had a girlfriend and never had sex with another person until January this year

So sexually, my main pastime for the past 40 years has been masturbation. The first 20 years it was getting off with porno mags, the last 20 years included internet porn. I found this OK apart from the frustration that I was never getting real sex.

When I was diagnosed with autism which was the main cause of not meeting anyone, I decided to lose my virginity by any legal means that was possible so began punting, and that's where other problems happened. The sex was great but due to erectile dysfunction (which rarely happened during solo sex) I have to take Viagra when ever I punt. Another problem that has occurred since starting punting is I have never ejaculated (this usually happens when I masturbate) which is known as delayed ejaculation.

So there's my dilemma. When I masturbated for most of my life I always got a hard-on and usually finished and since beginning my experiences with real sex, I need medication to get a hard-on during this sex but have never ejaculated and this causing all the frustration I have been having recently earlier in life.

For the past month I have scoured the internet for why this is happening and I have come to the conclusion that it is due to my masturbation techniques of watching porn. I have recently discovered that death grip would also be an added factor to my problem too. Research has shown that our brains get wired in to the experiences we have that cause ejaculation. In my case (and others) this is porn and death grip, both of which have nothing to do with the experiences of real sex.

So, I'm going to have to ditch porn. Would this be all porn? Would this include magazines of naked women? I mean the magazines that show no hardcore, just the naked women. Ditching internet porn is going to be hard, but ditching magazines too is going to be damn difficult.

I am also taking a step to get over the death grip syndrome by ordering a fleshlight which is in the post now and I hope (as I've read in this forum and others) that this will help.

Am I stepping in the right direction?
Any other suggestions?

 

I think the answers to this question are in how you feel physically and emotionally when having sex with a person. If you can explain more about that then someone may be able to help

 

With no experience before January it would be obvious that emotionally when having sex with a person is wondering how well I am performing. She seems to be enjoying it although she could be faking it but whenever I seem to be doing something she likes she always asks me to do it more. I always feel comfortable with her as we always talk during and between the sex acts. The physical feelings I get are amazing and I am surprised that I never cum. She is very attractive, nice body (not too slim but not overweight) so her looks are not off-putting.

It could be nerves as I am quite tense when I first walk into her apartment but that seems to disappear once I am in there. It could be that maybe I am not getting enough sex and the only way of getting it is by paying for it. Escorts are quite expensive (in my case £80 for 45 minutes) and with the job I have can only afford it 2 or 3 times a month and the times I have between each session gives me thoughts of wanting more.

 

Hi my friend,
Back on my personal experiences, your problem could be 70 to 80 percent emotionally not physically. I remember when I was about 20 I did not have any girlfriend so I used to go to prostitutes' houses then before going to her room everything went on right away and I was on even before inserting in her I had a hard cock but most of the time it was reverse and thought I can not insert in, then I lost the erection and cum before fuking her.
I am sure you can do a better job if you get a girlfriend who knows your problem.
As much as you think about your problems it gets worse and worse.
If you like to talk to some of your friends or a psychiatrist it will be helpful

 

So the initial question was a masturbation question about whether porn has negative effects on real sex (read first post). All the bumf before this was a lead to know why I needed to know the questions I asked
You say getting a girlfriend would be better. I've been trying to get a girlfriend for over forty years so trying to get a girlfriend is going to be and has always been a bigger problem than getting real sex so I do not think this would help

Here is some of the research I have found about the probable causes of sexual dysfunction and pornography, hence the questions in my first post:
Sexual Dysfunction: The Escalating Price of Abusing Porn (psychcentral.com)
The Potential Associations of Pornography Use with Sexual Dysfunctions: An Integrative Literature Review of Observational Studies - PMC (nih.gov)
Is Internet Pornography Causing Sexual Dysfunctions? A Review with Clinical Reports - PMC (nih.gov)
What Causes Delayed Ejaculation In Men? - by the MEC Blog (surgeonformen.com)

What do people think

 

Thinking about my first post about ditching porn.
Are the above articles concerned with only internet hardcore porn or does it include softcore porn such as magazines that contain naked women but not in any sexual activity?
Answering this question will also be answering the questions in my first post

 

First, if you can afford a professional therapist, you should engage one. But be sure to research the therapists in your area carefully. It’s important to get the right one. Here are my other thoughts on what you might do on your own, whether or not you engage a therapist. First, I’m skeptical that porn, especially soft porn, is the cause of your issues. Even when the time comes that you get yourself into a sustained relationship with a partner, you will still masturbate, probably about as frequently as you do without a relationship. And it will still be more exciting with porn. Still it can’t hurt to do it sometimes using only the porn you are able to generate inside your head. And try different modes of masturbation, like using your other hand, using just your fingertips, or using a latex vagina (which requires lube) that you can buy at a sex shop or online. Different stroking methods will get you used to the varied kinds of stimulation you’ll get from a partner.

My suspicion about the cause of your problem is that, beginning intimacy so late in life, you have no experience and practice at it. It’s scary to allow another person that close. Try some exercises with your partner that do not involve penetration. For example, have her sit behind you on the bed, with her legs straddling your butt. Ask her to reach around and touch your sensitive places very gently at first. This will get you accustomed to trusting her. You might go a few entire sessions without penetration, just exercises like this. Let her bring you to climax this way. That will build trust too. And you can also perform cunnilingus on her, again with no expectation of penetration after. Even just naked cuddling will build your confidence. When the time comes to try penetration, you and she will know. And even if it doesn’t work out on that attempt, just go back to the other activities you’ve been enjoying. A good woman will be patient with your issues as long as you respect her and treat her affectionately. There will always be another day to try again. And the nonpenetrative sex acts that I mentioned (and the ones you think of on your own) are delicious in the mean time.

 

You are probably right Lester. Having never been in a relationship and beginning sex so late in life would have an impact to my problem. Getting into relationships is even more scary than having sex even though I pay for it so having sex in this way I will stick to. I feel escorts are different from prostitutes as they are paid for their company and the time you pay for is the time you get, although sex is a big part of it (with prostitutes its just sex and they rush you to get rid of you quicker and have no care for your feelings) They have never rushed me, I have good banter with them and enjoy their company.

I also think you are correct in taking each day as it comes and try to not be frustrated when I cannot finish. I think that if I go with it without the frustration it may work out correct for me. They have told me that me not finishing is not important, all that is important is that I am enjoying myself though I think it is just as important that they enjoy it too and they say they do. Fair enough they may be faking it but I will have to accept that they are enjoying it. As it happens penetration sex is not my favourite act. It's nice but not my favourite. Cunnilingus is my favourite act. I only wish I could breathe through my ears then I could do it longer lol; especially when she is sitting on my face.

I will stick with soft porn for a while during masturbation and I've already ordered a fleshlight so I will try that out too. If it makes a difference and it cures me then good. If it doesn't, then I will put it down to my lack of experience and just carry on and try not to get frustrated.

I have given up in trying to find a relationship but if it happens it happens.

 

I’m not going to pretend I know the answer.

What I will so is strongly suggest is that you visit your personal physician for advice. You may end up with a referral. I one on this forum or anywhere else on the internet is going to be able to diagnose you and make competent suggestions or prescribe a course of treatment.

The internet does not solve problems. It creates them. Especially when you start self diagnosing symptoms.

 

I do agree anythingonce but I do agree with Lester too. Masturbation causes little to no problems and porn does help it along. Its when having sex that the problems occur and doing it with escorts (my only experience of sex) can cause these problems too I think. I think too much. When she gives me oral she has told me not to come in her mouth so me holding back and worrying if I do might be causing problems. The time constraints of being with an escort could cause problems (How much time do I have left? I would like to do this and that before my time is up?). I talked to a girl at work about my problems (I tried to get advice from my male friends but their advice was spend the last 5 minutes being fast and aggressive but that didn't sound very comfortable for her). She asked me,
"How long do you have intercourse with her?" I replied "about between 5 and 10 minutes.
"When do you have intercourse during the session", "sometime in the middle", I replied. I then said I tend to think about How much time do I have left and what I would like to do before my time is up?
The advice she gave me was
Ask how she would like me to do it
10 minutes may not be long enough, try 20 minutes
Do all the foreplay first and the intercourse last so all my focus is on the intercourse. Set a timer that tells you that the last 20 minutes will be arriving soon so you can finish what you are doing then prepare (put on condom) for the intercourse. Focus only on the intercourse and cumming.

I am going to try this next time to see if it helps
When I think about it, during masturbation one of the main thoughts is trying to cum, as time constraints and thoughts of things to do afterwards usually do not happen.

I will try this a few times and if that doesn't help then yes, it would be time to seek professional help

 

Well got the fleshlight and it was kind of a waste of money (£70).
It did feel a bit like the real thing, but wasn't tight at all as some people describe fleshlights as being, even though I have a 6 inch girth when hard. After a few strokes I lost my hard-on and had to revert to using my hand before inserting it again, then losing it. I gave up and ended up using my hand until I finished.

In real sex I've got to use Sildenafil to get a hard-on and stay hard but seem to manage fine without it when masturbating, so I'm thinking it is all in my mind and maybe when I get used to sex my erection problem will go away ( if it is the same in a couple of months I will seek professional help). Maybe the feelings from the fleshlight being like the real thing is the reason for keeping losing my erection. I ain't going to revert to Sildenafil for masturbation because that would be too damn expensive.

Well, I've got the fleshlight now so I might still use it and maybe in the future I may keep my erection. Maybe it is something new, a new experience that I need to get used to and if I do it may get me off Sildenafil with real sex, who knows. Again, if nothing changes in a couple of months I will seek professional help.

As for the tightness of a flashlight it seems a bit of a con in having to fork out £70 for each flashlight until you find the right one. I ain't going to do that (unless I have a spare £70 that I don't know what to do with, which has never happened, but if it did I would more than likely spend it on an escort session knowing I would enjoy myself).

Obviously, getting a girlfriend would probably sort out everything said in this whole thread as I think a girlfriend would empathise with my problems and the affections of a relationship would be more important but this has never happened in the 40 years of trying so I feel it is doubtful if it will ever happen but who knows maybe it will but I have kind of given up trying.

 

:-(

 

Your brain has been trained to masturbate.
The only "fix" is having sex, and abstaining from masturbating regularly until the problem ends.
I am 57, I was in a marriage that was sexless for waay too many years than I care to say, and like you, the only sex I had was jerking off.
When I divorced and met my 2nd wife... I had some ED issues, usually no problem getting an erection, but I would lose it while having sex. And it was practically impossible to ejaculate.
Thankfully my 2nd wife was great about it, that was 6 years ago. Today, and for several years now, I have no issues. I masturbate 2-3 times a week, and have sex usually a couple times a week also.
Your answer is a good partner.... COMMUNICATE ABOUT THE PROBLEM.. acknowledging the problem and talking about it was the biggest tool that solved it.

 

I agree, having a partner is my best option but due to me having high functioning autism I have never had a partner. I tried for many years but got nowhere. I went to social groups, went drinking in nightclubs with friends but I always felt uncomfortable in those surroundings. I tried Tinder, and POF and still nothing.

At least I am having sex now, even though I have to pay for it and I doubt I can stop because I'm addicted to it lol. I will just have to preserver and learn to stop stressing about it

 

Try eating her pussy first and give her an orgasm and after that the sex will be better