Your daily joke thread!

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ARE YOU FREE TODAY?

No, honey. I'm priceless every day!

 

Dog “The humans feed me, pet me, give me a place to sleep. They must be gods!”
Cat “The humans feed me, pet me, give me a place to sleep. I must be a god!”

 

MOM! I don't want to see Grandma again!
Shut up and keep digging!

MOM! I don’t LIKE Uncle Billy!
Shut up and keep eating!

MOM! I don’t WANT to go to Hawaii!
Shut up and keep swimming!

MOM! I can only go in circles!
Shut up, or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!

 

An old lady was in a funeral home, talking to the funeral director.

"Is this your first husband?" He asks. "No, I've had four before." "Divorced?" "No, all dead."

"Well, what did your first husband die of?" "My first husband died of eating poison mushrooms." "Well, that's odd. What did your second husband die of?" "My second husband died of eating poison mushrooms." "Well that's rather odd. What did your third husband die of?" My third husband died of eating poison mushrooms." "Amazing! What did your fourth husband die of?" "My fourth husband died of eating poison mushrooms."

At this point the funeral director's head was spinning. "Okay, then, what did this husband die of?" "He got pushed from a fifth floor balcony window." "Oh? How did that happen?" "He wouldn't eat the poison mushrooms."

 

"I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.” Winston Churchill.