Its 4am Im sober and this is what I feel

I am not sure if this is where this should go,I just finished writing it and I wanted to share it, I feel a release I have needed for months...


"Its 2 am - I’m drunk again it’s heavy on my mind" Well it is 4am I’m sober and my mind is going blank. My room is dark and the fan on top of my hamper is so soothing yet it has yet to lull me to sleep. I love life, the beauty of the day when I open my eyes for the first time each morning, the sounds that wake me on Saturday in the spring. The sound of my dog shifting position in his bed, all these things are comforts to me yet none of them are enough tonight. It is 4 am and I need to be up and about 2 and a half more. I don’t mind that I have to pull a full day tomorrow at school. I am exploring aspects of my mind that I never considered before. This three day break has brought so much of an awakening to my life. I looked around me everyday this term and longed to be appreciated and accepted by everyone to the point of alienating the single soul that appreciated me the very most. I love the things around me that I will miss soon. I have not let it sink in that in a few short months everything I have ever known will change. I get that felling that thrill in my stomach thinking about it, actually it is that same feeling I get when I think of those sunny mornings, those days that make me so happy I want to cry. I love so much, I love so many people, and so many things. I am sitting on my bed with my worn out blue tie-dyed comforter with the sound of boy meets world guiding my thoughts, wait a second, they aren’t guiding my thoughts. I am guiding my thoughts; I am taking responsibility for my thoughts from now on. I have been plagued by indecision so frequently that I can not imagine the last time a decision was not followed by a panic attack. I am in love, what does that mean. I don’t care what that means I am. I am content, I am so content with my life and I don’t need to worry about petty details such as an annoying houseguest anymore. I have the rain and the ice outside; I have an animal that loves me unconditionally as well as family and friends that love me equally as much. I have the clouds, the pillow that sits unrequited. The computer I am typing this on, the mind to express these feelings, the ability to educate myself, the soap in the next room that keeps me from stinking, the clothes that keep me modest, the light that shines from the sun illuminating my world and my thoughts. All of these things aid me and make my life what it is. I have been forcing myself to define everything around me, to define if someone is a friend, to define what I am and that is not the person I am choosing to be, no that is not the person I was chosen to be. My life has gone off course when I force things that should not be, I will no longer allow myself to take things into my own hands. I am blessed to be alive, to be breathing and thinking everyday and I will begin to appreciate all of the lovely things fate has provided me with. I have been reading all the beautiful thoughts of others and realize how little I have been seeing. "Living is easy with eyes closed Misunderstanding all you see It's getting hard to be someone but it all works out It doesn't matter much to me" Oh how lovely these words are, how wondrous to think that I can do this myself, that I can go through life and not be scared of what those around me are thinking. Had I been meant to know their thoughts the heavens would have given me that ability. I am in love with he world around me and the stars above me and the earth below me. I am learning to love the earth and all that she has given me.


Thank you to all of nature

Thank you to every human being I have encountered

Thank you to every single being who reads this

Thank you to everyone who takes this text as what it is, the thoughts of me, at 4am

Thank you

 

that was good, brings to mind some of Tools lyrics "celebrate this chance to be alive and breathing" and snow patrol lyrics "everything we have is all we need".i think ive experienced a similar frame of mind , its like opening your eyes for once and fully appreciating and embracing all the little details that make up everyday life.i just wish it would last!

 

Perspective is horrible. If you know how stupid it is to hate irrationally, it takes the fun out of it.

 

Well I am assuming you are saying that it sucks to get perspective, in which case it does...

thanks for reading everyone

 

peace