Here's a good one to start the ball rolling: This is an actual letter written to the chief exec of the LPO. Funniest thing I've read in ages! Timothy Walker, London Philharmonic Orchestra, 89 Albert Embankment, London, SE1 7TP Dear Sir or Madam I am writing to you to offer my services as a conductor. I don't know if you have any openings at the moment, but the minute one does come up I would like you to give my application serious consideration. I have been a pianist all my life (grade 5) and I am also something of a guitarist (rhythm). The fact that I can also play the penny whistle means that I am a bit of a multi-instrumentalist. I think this will be very useful in my conducting, and I know that there are some conductors out there who can barely play one instrument! How they expect to empathise fully with an orchestra I will never know. I have been conducting now since the beginning of last year and I am completely self-taught. I started out in quite a small way with a drumstick and Mozart. I would put Mozart on the CD on a repeat setting and stand there for literally hours waving my drumstick in the air. I laugh now at my simple unashamed enthusiasm. At the moment there isn't any composer, alive or dead, that I can't do; and what is more, I now have a complete collection of conducting batons (I keep the drumstick on the wall to remind me of my humble beginnings). I have learned from some of the great living conductors. I have coconducted every televised BBC Proms concert for 2002 and 2003. While the well-known conductor is doing his stuff in front of a live audience, I am doing my stuff in front of the television. I assure you I know all the moves - large ones, small ones, and those kind of flowing ones in between. I am now also very good at moving my head whilst rolling my eyes. When you're doing big movements with the baton and rolling your eyes at the same time it's really something else. Would it sound crazy to say that I feel a little divine? I guess all conductors are a little crazy so I'm no different to the rest. Having said that, I do go to the barbers once a week to keep my hair in trim. I think it is very important to be neat and tidy if you expect an orchestra to have any respect for you, that's why I don't understand why so many of these so-called modern 'conductors' get away with their unkempt condition. If it is the case that you do have a conductor at the moment might I suggest that you consider how much you could save by having me instead. I'll be happy to start off on half what you pay at present for conducting services. I can't say fairer than that, now can I? I should be most grateful if you could get back to me on this as soon as possible. Your orchestra is definitely my first choice but if I do not hear back from you soon I will put out multiple applications to other orchestras, some of them foreign. I think it would be an awful pity if natural homegrown talent like myself were to be lured away by the Russian Rouble or the Yankee Dollar. If you feel you need to see me in person then just drop me a line and we'll arrange a date and time - I'll obviously bring all my batons for you to have a close look. I very much look forward to hearing from you. Yours truly, Gary Huggins
How many guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? ... A dozen. One to do it, and eleven to say how they could've done it better.
Come on you lot, we can do better than that! DIE SAUERBRATSCHEN (The Magic Viola) by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart It has come to our attention that several people believe Mozart wrote, in addition to "The Magic Flute," an opera called "The Magic Viola." This is incorrect, and apparently the rumor is due to a coincidence of sounds. In German, The Magic Flute is "Die Zauberflöte," while The Magic Viola would be "Die Auberbratsche." In fact, Mozart's little known viola opera is called "Die Sauerbratschen," and it is verified by several unimpeachable sources that he wrote it in the space of one evening during dinner in a really dingy restaurant. Mozart wrote the libretto on napkins and the score on the tablecloth -- an example of what is called Tafelmusik. The work was actually performed in Salzburg along with "The Constipation of the House Special Overture," which also was composed in the same restaurant. The similarity to English speakers of the pronunciation of the German "Sauer" and "Zauber" has led to the Magic Viola misconception. The opera was not successful, since it seems to have never been performed again. It has no Köchel number and the tablecloth was apparently laundered by mistake, removing the entire score (but leaving most of the stains). Only a few napkins remain in the collections of various private individuals and the summary of the opera given below, based only on those that could be tracked down and deciphered, cannot be regarded as definitive. DIE SAUERBRATSCHEN WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART Synopsis ACT 1 The king and queen of a fairy-tale like kingdom are devoted patrons of music and loved by their subjects. The sad fact is that the couple is childless and both they and the population want an heir to carry on the royal line. After many years when it appears most unlikely, the queen becomes pregnant through the ministrations of an in vitro alchemist. The royal couple throw a great feast when the baby, a girl prophetically named Violetta, is born. Among those they invite are the various music fairies; the violin fairy, the cello fairy, the flute fairy etc. Conspicuously absent is the viola fairy, a terrible harridan, whose intonation is so bad that musicians and audiences fall to the ground as if struck down. Not for nothing is she known as The Trampler. After each fairy performs on her instrument and sings about the joy of playing it, the group is about to play a chamber work together when the viola fairy herself appears from the bowels of the earth along with a smell of sulfur and brimstone. The crowd shrinks away from her as she takes center stage. To everyone's horror The Trampler places a curse on the baby, to the effect that before her sixteenth birthday, she will develop an obsession with the viola and play it to the exclusion of all other activities. Then the viola fairy departs as she came with a maniacal laugh to the strains of Hindemith's Viola Concerto. The queen is inconsolable and faints dead away. The act ends with general confusion and despair and a lot of bodies on the floor. ACT 2 By royal proclamation, the king and queen ban every viola in the land. They are collected and destroyed in a huge bonfire which is a precursor of the Immolation scene in Die Götterdamerung, except here it is known as the Violation scene. String quartets now consist of two violins, a cello, and a banjo. The alto clef is outlawed. In this way they hope to thwart The Trampler's curse. The ruling is appealed by the court jesters, Ping, Pang and Pong, who say that without viola jokes they have practically lost their entire repertoire. They sing a trio, called Die Bratschenwurst, consisting almost entirely of viola jokes. [* The viola jokes are the best preserved part of the opera; although less than 5% of the libretto, they account for almost 50% of the napkins on which the libretto is preserved. Musical historians have not found any evidence of viola jokes predating these, and it is probable that Mozart is the source of this rich body of musical humor. Ed.] Die Bratschenwurst Trio Ping: What's the definition of a minor second? Pang: Two violists playing in unison. Pong: Two violists playing in unison. Pong: What do you do with a dead violist? Pang: Move him back a chair. Ping: Move him back, move him back. Ping: How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune? Pang: Kill eleven of them? Pong: Eleven must die; Oh my! Pong: How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune? Pang: The bow is moving. Ping & Pong: See how the bow is moving. Ping: What do you call a violist with two brain cells? Pang: Pregnant. Pong: That's not very nice. Pong: What's the range of a viola? Pang: As far as you can kick it. Ping: Or 35 yards with your good arm - as you please. Ping: What is the longest viola joke? Pang: Harold in Italy. Ping, Pang & Pong: Long, long in Italy. The king, although greatly amused, refuses to lift the ban and the comedians depart disconsolately. But unknown to them, the language teacher Don Blanco is a closet violist. This is not to say that he plays the viola secretly, but in fact plays what is called a closet viola. It has a hinged back and opens to hold a change of clothes and other necessities, since violists often have to leave town suddenly. Don Blanco, a recent visitor to the country, is unaware of the royal decree and continues to play it. Since he rarely has visitors, apart from his friend the pizza entrepreneur PapaGino, no one is the wiser. We meet Don Blanco together with PapaGino, who is bragging about his pizza franchises throughout Europe. PapaGino sings about the numbers of different toppings one can find in different lands: 200 in France 300 in Spain and 1003 in Italy! Meanwhile, the princess Violetta is sent to Don Blanco to study German. Inevitably, she hears him playing and becomes enraptured. Instead of coming a few hours each week, Violetta practically becomes a house guest and makes incessant demands on Don Blanco that he teach her to play the viola. Don Blanco, thinking that no one in her right mind would want this, naturally assumes that Violetta is enamored of him. The fact that the princess is a virgin, makes her even more desirable. At one point, when he is alone with her, he takes a cigar from his pocket and sings a piece Mozart later recycled in his better known “Exultate Jubilate;” the aria entitled “Tu Virginum Corona.” ACT III The king and queen make a great celebration when Violetta turns sixteen. They mistakenly think they have defeated the viola fairy, since they know nothing about Don Blanco. With all the guests assembled, Violetta makes an entrance with Don Blanco, and to the horror of all comes in playing a viola! She has not really mastered the instrument (who could?) and makes quite a hash out of Harold in Italy. (It sounds more like Harold in Poughkeepsie.) The guests cover their ears with their hands, pillows, mince pies, and anything else they can find to muffle the sound. Don Blanco, upset by this reaction, takes the viola from the princess to show how it should be played, but the guests still refuse to listen. Suddenly the viola fairy appears through a fiery gap that opens in the floor. She is about to gloat over her triumph when she becomes aware of DonBlanco's playing. Instantly, she falls in love with him. Transformed by love, she sings “O Viola D'Amore” and lifts the curse from Violetta. As the act - and the opera - ends, she carries the violently resisting Don Blanco off with her into the pit and to the infernal regions. The last vocal sound is Don Blanco's anguished "aaaah!". The notes of Walton's Viola Concerto can be distantly heard from the fiery pit. FINIS
What do you call a banjo player with a pager? an optimist One with an Agent? delusional. disclaimer: some of the best folks I know play banjo.
