when is too much too much?

I know this is a weird question and a strange way to put it, but I just need to write it out and maybe get some opinions or views from y'all in the process...
I don't need judgement or to be criticized - just need to share - get it off my chest...

I am officially married, and my adult son also lives with me. My wife, son and I live in the same house together - yet we function largely independently from one another. I have been out to my family and some friends for a few years now. I have nothing to hide. The only thing my wife has requested of me is that I not bring sex partners here - and, honestly, I can't even keep that promise. But, for the time being, this arrangement is the most feasible one for all of us - primarily financially.

So with that out of the way ...

Yesterday, I had the house to myself all day from early morning till later in the day - almost 12 hours here alone. That is rare. I had lined up a couple of guys to pay a visit - both stood me up - they had somewhat reasonable excuses - that remains to be seen. Hook-ups, being what they are - you can never know

But I found myself angry, obsessing over it... upset with myself, annoyed that I had all this "time" to myself.

I began to think about my actions... my desires for sex. my need for something else that's missing in my life that cannot be replaced by anonymous sex or even friends with benefits - if you can call it that. I have two running streams when it comes down to this. I like to give head. I like to have sex. I like to kiss. I like affection. These two streams cross and entwine occassionally but so far they have not become one river- they are usually separate and they can be calm trickling streams or sometimes, raging rapids.

I don't know that I am looking for a serious partner - a committed relationship - I'm not sure I can handle all that goes with that... but what I do miss is someone who shows some level of care about me, shows me affection - not just sex - there is a difference in my opinion.

I began to do a moral inventory... I began to review the number of hook-ups I've had in recent months and the degree I go to find a connection. That's what brought me to ask the question "When is too much too much?"
Oh, I don't have an answer for that yet... and I know from reading other's experiences here - this might seem silly - some of you guys keep this strictly about sex and some of you seem to have an awful lot of it and have it set up so you know you are going to get it on a regular basis. I don't know about the women who may read this post - if any are here... but from a guy's perspective, I'm interested. Can I back away from the frustration of being on the prowl all the time and just take it as it comes a little more? Is it just a passing hiccup and I should let it go? Am I crossing the line to dangerous territory?

These are just some questions and thoughts that are banging around in my head these last few days.

 

I've been giving this some serious thought. I am aware I have an ability to dissect parts of my life and put them in separate boxes. It might be the only part of my "female wired brain" that is a very male thing to do. It makes my choices more manageable. I love sex and I enjoy getting down with various men for the plain and simple act of having sex... I enjoy getting them off and maybe I get some dopamine rush in my brain from it, too- which probably explains the addictive nature of sex. There's a rush in meeting someone and engaging with them in such an intimate manner. But it is only one part of me, and it needs to be controlled so it does not overshadow and affect other parts of me.
I imagine, like some of you guys who read and contribute to this section of HIP forums, I have a unique marriage and family situation. I am lucky that I have a relatively peaceful co-existence with my wife, and we both agree that our family is our priority. Our adult kids and grandkids are all local, so we have the blessing of seeing them often. I am pretty sure that if I did not live with my wife, I would probably not see my kids as much as I do. My wife is totally focused on her children and grandchildren... to be honest, it is one of the many reasons our marriage struggled to be great. Without sounding narcissistic, I am not a priority here. Even at our best times, I was not. We continue to share the same house but live separate lives here. That is far from perfect but for some reason, maybe it's just old habits, neither of us seem all that driven to live any other way. When family comes around, it is good. When we are here alone, it is lonely. She has her part of the house (there is an in-law apartment I built on for my mother 20 years ago) and I have my part of the house.
I have been told by some of my gay buddies that I will never find a companion much less a soulmate again as long as I have this living arrangement. My thoughts on this say - there is nobody who has shown me much interest or captured my heart so why should I give up my home and my precious time with family, on the off chance some guy will come along. I don't think I want to depend on someone making me happy that way anyway. I want to be happily independent. It seems to me that a good match in a man comes along, we would be able to figure out these other parts that some people say are roadblocks now
I use these hook ups as a way to get off - gratification sexually - but they are not enough for me. I want intimacy, affection and companionship that covers all parts of my life, my family, my leisure time, etc. So, into the box they go afterwards, and I go back to living the other parts of my life that are not perfect but better than I expected at this poing, after coming out of that damn closet and doing my best to live true to myself.

 

I think about this topic too often.
I know - for me, anyway - that I am hoping for a more committed companion in life. Not just a sexual hook-up. We tend to seek the lowest common denominator - and sex is the basic need for many of us men. We want it. We need it. We prowl for it.

But - it does not satisfy the whole person. There are other components that go unmet and unfulfilled.
As some of you may relate - I have spent my life feeling as if I do not fit in. I am not into some of the things most men are into, and can easily talk to other men about. I also have been embarrassed and ashamed, at times, of my same sex attractions - as we are taught from an early age there is something wrong there. If you can arrive at a place in your life where you feel no shame and you can easily navigate socially, this may not apply to you, and more power to you.

I am not completely satisfied with the sexual part of my same sex attraction. Sure, it feels great at the moment for however long it lasts, but there are many other hours in my day where loneliness creeps in, and I look to other things to fill the void. Alcohol for one, or porn for another... and yet, the emotional and physical components, and the mental component goes unmet and is not satisfied.
I am looking into this yet - and determined that I will find my completeness within myself - not in any other person, because I cannot expect any other person to fill the void.
I intend to figure out how to be more vulnerable, more open and transparent, in the times I engage with others - in the hope that other guys will find something they are looking for in me, possibly. I am not sure, yet - just how to do this.
I do know - and I will confess this - for example - when I am out in a social setting and I don't get the "attention" I think I need, I can let it get to me - instead of enjoying myself, I can begin to feel there must be something wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with me, though. I need to reject that. I think succumbing to feelings of rejection, or not feeling good enough, or not attractive enough, or too old - I think that shows when engaging with others. Sure, there are drawbacks - I don't and cannot have the body of a 30-year-old anymore. My hearing is poor. My body has been walking around for 67 years... it's not what it was. But, man... I still have a lot of living yet to do. I don't want to settle for any negativity in the time I have left.

 

I am not ashamed of myself any more... no, I'm just saying I think that history can overshadow if I allowed it to do that. All that stuff about shame and not fitting in is HISTORY that impacts current struggles. I also think that men, in general, do not do a great job of communicating their needs or wants, or their appreciation for others in their lives. I think I could be a better friend. I think it can be too easy to allow the pursuit of sex to take over and be the thing - when it cannot always be the only thing. On the prowl for sex is only one piece of the overall pursuit. Just wanted to point that out.

 

Oh, I definitely think sex is important, KDaddy - and I think about it a lot -
I remember as a kid, going shopping for groceries with my mom - there were clever sayings decorating the place. One that I always looked at was that very saying you mentioned "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach..." and the graphics were odd but eye-catching. Fast-forward to my marriage... My wife must've known that same saying because how she showed love was through food, not affection and, after awhile, it certainly was not her interest in my cock. I accepted the love she offered and I gained a lot of weight - to the point where I became morbidly obese.
The thing is - I also came to learn that I was hiding my sexuality behind my obesity. What I didn't know until later was that there are a lot of people who are actually attracted to fat men - they are called bears. I made a decision to take care of myself first, instead of others in my life, and I lost that weight - knowing full well if I shed the weight I would become vulnerable to my attraction to men. And that is exactly what happened.
Some part of me died the night my wife refused to dance with me. It wasn't my desire for sex with men that split us up... although that is now how most people who knew us think.
So after my time of playing around and enjoying the freedom to do as I please...
What I've come to realize now is that most of us are strangers to ourselves most of the time. We don't ask questions. We think we know what someone is all about and we think we are such good listeners that we know what someone is feeling. Truth is, most of us don't know.
When we meet someone, we have a swirl of questions running through our minds... we wonder so much - but what is the most important thing is the eyes - the gaze into a person's eyes - and connecting with undivided attention. Eye contact. The next part is - being present. just hanging out - not worrying about conversation. playing. a game or whatever - just natural hanging out and being - no serious conversations but just joking or trash talk - Just being present. but when engaging with that person to not be a dimmer switch - not be at 60% but to give all you can. Either be on or be off. Don't be looking over the guy's shoulder for who else might be more interesting. Invest in that person for that moment.
I think I expect too much from others, yet I am not sure I can give others as much as I hope to get from them. It's just my own observations.

 

@Keen4bifun In this, do you find that you are lacking in any of your emotional needs, or are you missing affection separate from sexual times with your lovers?