julie overcame accountability and pain to hang at the horizon in the orange/red melting tinge, her blood full of chemicals, yay, whose potency pierced open pores imparting serotonin explosion. she watched the world fade into an otherworldly shade and her friends became phantoms counting down the days… but still, she wasn’t dead. she was just pretty, and pitiful, sitting in the passenger seat thinking about nothing.
This...[julie overcame accountability and pain] and [but still, she wasn’t dead. she was just pretty, and pitiful, sitting in the passenger seat thinking about nothing.] were amazing stanzas, absolutely perfect, the second stanza sounded too familiar with a lot of your other pieces, and I wasn't keen on orange/red usage. Is this another medicated piece?
Yeah, I'm still on the cold medicine and it's totally messin with me. I hate pseudoephedrine. I hate it alot, lol.
I like it. Interesting images, and thought provoking lines. Although the half alive half dead idea is saddening.
As a whole, I liked the poem. The last stanza really nails it, good job. However, I wasn't too enthusiastic about the "yay" in the second stanza. Seems like you could do better than that.
Thanks everyone for the feedback! I’ve revised this, no longer suffering from the dreaded medicine head…. julie overcame accountability and pain to hang on her horizon in heated water and cocaine, whose potency pierced open pores …dopamine detonation… spiking pleasure receptors. she watched the world fade into an otherworldly shade while her friends became phantoms counting down the days… but still, she wasn’t dead. she was just pretty, and pitiful, sitting in the passenger seat thinking about nothing.
