walking, on a empty road. sleeping, on a cold bench flirting, with the girls that walkes by a girl with kaleidoscop eyes smiling, over a cup of tea whispering, small words that means so much touching, a cheek, wet of tears tears from kaleidoscop eyes laughing, over a bad joke fighting, with anger and frustration loving, living with the girl with kaleidoscop eyes.
Hey, this one has potential! Give it a little editing and it'll shine. Example: walking on an empty road, sleeping on a cold bench, flirting with the girls that walk by smiling over a cup of tea, whispering small words, touching your cheek your tears... You can do it. It's there. Meet it half way.
I like it a lot, but I think you should find another phrase to replace kaleidoscope eyes... You have good imagination, dont recycle.
hi..thanks for every reply..actually i posted it bacuse i needed some changes on it..sounds weird? i know..i need to make a different ending...but i'm not very good at them...they always get sad..or to similar to something i've written before..hm... i think i'm maybe gonna end it after the joke..what do you think guys?
walking, on a empty road. sleeping, on a cold bench flirting, with the girls that walkes by a girl with enormous eyes smiling, over a cup of tea whispering, small words that means so much touching, a cheek, wet of tears laughing, over a bad joke loving, walking, on a empty road.
Much better! But maybe you could fine tune some more...enormous eyes could be changed to something more effective...
The only bit I liked in this was the bit you lifted from the Beatles. Sorry, I know that's not helpful, but I'm just not a fan (of your poem, that is, not the Beatles). Bhaskar's right, though, keep working on it, and try to find some imaginative words that will do your poem justice...enormous eyes...you need something much more spectacular! Good luck!
