I’m sick of being straight but…

My dildo won’t make me cum. Also I have always had girlfriends but over the years a few (about 3) experiences with men which I enjoyed. These involved oral and wanking plus some affection. I’m approaching 50 and live in the most vibrant and over populated city on Earth (yeah it’s London) a place I’ve never felt I belong but where I can earn a living.
I went to all boys schools and was sent away to one at 13. I found some of the boys attractive and sometimes we’d disappear into the woods to wank together. There was one boy in particular I found attractive so I’ve always thought I was Bisexual. The year before that I was on a scout camp and had never considered anything sexual. During that camp an older boy made me play with him and made me play with myself till I got hard at which point he sucked my willy until I came for the first time. I felt weird, ashamed, scared etc. He said afterwards he wished he’d bummed me and that if the others hadn’t came along he would have. I was scared of him for years until one night 5 years later he turned up to what was the local pub and picked a fight with me calling me a poof boy. I had to be pulled off him because I couldn’t stop hitting him and I’m not a violent person.
These days they’d call it sexual abuse, no idea what it was then.
I’ve never really felt entirely comfortable since being boxed into one sexuality and I’ve never told anyone this before. I fantasise about women or men when I’m masturbating so what am I? I’ve had one marriage and another long term relationship during which we had wonderful children who are my purpose in life.
I’ve been through a lot of shit over the breakup and apart from a very brief weekend fling with a woman who lived round the corner during lockdown I’ve effectively been celibate since 2017.
My ex wife was mad for anal and loved it instigating it for my first time doing it but it took me a long time to be comfortable doing it with her. My ex partner occasionally when she felt the mood or wanted a change.
I’ve experimented since with my own bum but I just don’t seem to have a prostate I think because isn’t that the whole point of bumsex with men.
As I get older I want a man to cuddle up to at night, stroke, kiss and wake up to but on the other hand I want the feel of a woman without all the nagging, psychological abuse etc I went through.
So my question is what exactly am I? Or what is my sexuality supposed to be. Is there something wrong with me?
I just need an answer.

 

I won't claim to be an expert but will share my two cents as best I can. One thing I know is that there isn't anything "wrong" with you anymore than what's "wrong" with anyone else put in similar situations as you were over the years.

You clearly have desires towards both genders, so asexuality can be ruled out. Maybe you have bisexual tendencies, which I'm learning towards, but it has been impacted by past traumatic experiences from both genders. Maybe you would have been leaning more towards gay relationships but that experience with the other boy early on in life has caused some mental scares to form towards all future experiences with other males, therefore having relationships with females seemed to be the safer approach in life due to maybe not being put in that position ever again (plus decades ago in your life, a relationship with a female was more acceptable, thus safer in that way too) - However, even then you have experienced negative situations.

And now both aspects of what you found attractive and wanted come with red flags and your brain could be triggering danger warnings as a protection mechanism. This in turn causes you to have serious complications in all areas and can't find enjoyment in any of it.

Though you struggle to find enjoyment, you clearly still want to and don't want to give up, but you're stuck at a dead end and now here you are.

I hate to say it, but this sounds like something you need to sort out with a professional. There's some demons in your past that need to be dealt with, and until they are, you won't be able to move forward. You won't be at peace and there's a good chance that any other future relationships you have might get sabotaged by those demons.

I would try and organise a session with a therapist/psychologist. Just one session for now. Have a sit down and tell them everything you said here. You will know from that one session if that person gets where you're coming from and can actually help you through this. Some therapists/psychologists are good in some areas but kinda crap in other areas. But if you can find the right person to help you through these past traumatic experiences, you can move forward, bury those demons or keep them at bay, and then become happier with yourself, plus gain more confidence in who you are and what you want in life.

You need to help yourself before you can help others, which also flows into relationships. Baggage from past relationships and experiences can sabotage current and future relationships. It sounds to me that you have a lot of healing to do. Only then will you know where you want to be in life and who you want beside you in that life.

Ok, that's about 50 cents.

 

Welcome to the site!!

Im sorry your not very happy

 

Hopefully, what you are is a good, compassionate, loving person.
What would the world be like if we quit all the hand-wringing over the existential meaning of divisive, arbitrary, and overly simplistic labels, and spent all that time and energy considering how and to what extent we're an asshole, and what we're going to do about it?

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! (Unless you're an asshole; that would be a problem)
I'm loath to define others, but you sound like a Bisexual "side"; like me, someone who's not into giving or receiving anal, but still deeply enjoys a man's body, especially stroking and sucking cock.
BTW, I grew up in boys schools, but my experience was different; I literally reveled in Bi sex, from day one. I've never not been Bi.

 

As said by others, there is NOTHING wrong with you.

Like the rest of us, you were raised without any guidance or direction regarding sexual activities. That's why you experimented and were taken advantage of as a boy. As you matured, you did what society expected of you by getting married and having children. I'm sorry that didn't work out and unfortunately, it doesn't work out for many people.

The anal sex experience varies from person to person. I love playing with my ass. I have a dildo and can get it all the way in, but, I can't achieve the prostate orgasm that many men can. So, my anal activity is minimal. Your fantasies and desires around anal play do not define you.

Finally, if you want a label, it sound like you are Bisexual. It seems that you enjoy sex and relationships with both men and women. But, don't put yourself in a box. Don't let that label determine your actions. Just live your life. If you find a man to be intimate with, then go for it and don't worry about what it's called. If you never have anal sex, fine.

Please clear your head of all of societies expectations and just live the life that YOU want.

 

I would tend to agree when it comes to labels.

I mean, I'm straight. I like the female form. The thought of seeing two males doing sexual things just doesn't do anything for me and my sex drive just switches right off. Always have and never once has any curiosity moment. But that doesn't mean I have a problem with others and their preferences. You do you and all that. Other people's personal lives has zero impact on my own, so I couldn't care less.

But I do have issues with the "General" LGBTQ (and all the other letters and numbers they keep adding) group. I understand the group's original purpose, and to help others see that they're not alone, but it has grown and morphed into something I think is a bit toxic to their own end goal of being accepted as normal people like everyone else.

When I say "accepted as normal people", most normal people don't go out in public and proclaim to the world who they like to have sex with. Not only should nobody care about that, but it's none of anyone else's business unless you plan on having a relationship with that person. I don't go around to everyone I see and shove my asexuality in their face and then expect them to accept it..... I know nobody cares and nobody wants to know.

Parades have gotten out of hand and seems more like just routine for routine sake, but again, it's all about "Hey, I identify as this, I like this gender or orientation, I demand you accept it." - We shouldn't have to accept it or care about it. That's your personal area, not mine.

Now, maybe this is starting to sound a bit mean and maybe a bit ignorant, but that's not my intention. My intention is for others to see that we are all much more than our orientation/sexual preference. It does not define who we are. We all wake up every day, go to work or school, go through the same crap in life, interact with the same other humans, pay our bills, go to bed, do it all over again. During all of this, not once does my sex life come up in conversation, either by me or the person I'm interacting with. The only time it does is with my partner, or if I'm single and seeking a relationship, it comes up with the person I'm seeking a relationship with.

And yet so many people will jam it all down our throats and expect us to pat them on the back as if their orientation or sexual preferences are special or more important than someone else's. They themselves treat it as being different. So if they continue to treat themselves as different or more special, how will one ever be considered the same and normal like everyone else in society?

Have parades, do whatever one wants. It doesn't impact my life. All I'm saying is that these things are not going to have the outcome one expects them to have. I already accept people. I don't care about gender, race, orientation, religion, etc. I care about what someone says, does and how they treat others. I care about one's character.

But not everyone is like me and there's others who are very intolerant. These parades and shoving your sex life into their faces isn't going to win them over because it hasn't happened yet after all these decades. It almost comes off as trolling them, and maybe those people deserve a bit of trolling from time to time, but in the end, there's only more conflict because it still comes off as one group acting like they're more special than another.

And trans people and those wanting to identify based on specific He She They Them stuff? Call me old, but I don't have time to tip toe around on eggshells from person to person. What's your name? I'll refer to you as your name. If you're offended by me using your name that you told me to use, then it's not I who's got a problem to sort out.

If we're all the same and equal, let's all start acting like it and move beyond labels.

 

Oh and back to the OP and their problem they posted..... Think of it this way:

There is nothing wrong with you. The problem is others have done wrong to you.

That's the path towards healing yourself. I'd start there.

 

im so sorry u feel this way, butT wish u the best life LOVE YA

 

ANYWAYS SEE U TMR BESTIE CUZ IM UR BUTTSIE >/////<uwu

 

I get it. It's all a bit showy and can be flamboyant and self indulgent. It's not really my style.
But the LGBT community wouldn't have to be "in your face" if society accepted them and wasn't so fucking homophobic. Maybe Pride parades aren't the most effective way to assert themselves, but they have to assert themselves somehow and make being queer normal. People have the right to marry whomever they want. Queer couples want to walk down the street holding hands do other things heterosexual couples do in public without being harassed. They don't want to be discriminated against when applying for a job. They don't want to get demonized or even killed just because they're not "straight." You're not gonna get that with a hanky code or showing a hidden star tattoo.

 

What an assole.

 

This sentence could be changed to "... issues with the 'General' Christians (and all the other religions they keep adding)..." and the meaning would be completely accurate. Religion has been morphed into something toxic.

Why do Christians need to be wearing crosses and shoving the Bible in our faces? Why do they need to keep building churches to help others see that they are not alone? I'm done tip-toeing all around this Jesus stuff.

 

If you want me to be an asshole, I can be just as intolerant and pig headed as the next person.

But me accepting people equally for who they are based on their actions and interactions, rather than their orientation, gender, religion, political beliefs, etc., makes me an asshole?

Doesn't seem like I'm the one with the problem here, and that response is not the best way to go about making friends. Just a thought.

Added: How about what I said to the OP and their struggles? Did I belittle or shame them for their problems? Did I not try and provide objective information that might help them, regardless of whichever way they may want to go (or both ways) in their personal life? Did I show judgement?

Oh, let me guess, because I did not express 100% fealty to every single thing the group you adhere to believes, somehow makes me an asshole? Sorry, but sometimes people think for themselves and may not always agree with everything you do. You won't agree with all my points of view, but that's OK. Agree to disagree and all that. I don't ever expect others to fall in line with what I think is right and wrong, and I can still show respect at the same time. It's not difficult.

 

Nah all good. I get that perspective too and respect it. Besides, my opinion or point of view isn't going to change things. If people want parades, have at it. I just don't see any new outcome coming from these parades other than what has already been achieved.

 

Agreed completely. I was born and raised Roman Catholic but dropped it in my early 20s. The priest at our church for the longest time was a decent and tolerant person, and skipped all the controversial stuff. Then a new priest rocked up and started the whole "we pray for the sinners" shit, targeting people who were having sex before marriage, gays, etc., and I was done. I have cousins who are gay, an old friend from college who is trans and did their procedure, etc. Another friend from high school was also gay. These were all good people who'd I want watching my back and trust worthy who never screwed others around. They had my respect. For this guy to come along and trash them.... Well, I knew it was part of the religion and all that but kinda hoped maybe they'd start modernising their damn mentality. Didn't like it so I disassociated myself from it all.

But I digress. I also agree that religions should stop shoving their shit in our faces, 100%, in equal fashion. If they want to believe what they believe, fine, do so. But don't make me or others try and believe what you believe. If they actually followed their Christian beliefs, they'd know Jesus said to let those interested come to you. Let them come to the top of the mountain, don't go to them. Implying that one cannot be forced..... Or something like that. I'm rusty.

Everyone should live their life as they please. The moment their life starts encroaching into mine, we got a problem.

 

Your following statement negates everything you typed here. See below:

Then why make this post? Why come into an online LGBTQ+ space and proclaim your disdain for the LGBTQ+ community by challenging our normalcy and then say it doesn't matter and isn't your business? News flash: we ARE normal people.

Define, in your own words, "shoving sexuality in one's face." I only ask because not only have my never shoved my sexuality in anyone's face, no one I know has either--and I know folks of virtually every sexuality.

How, again, in your own words, does having a parade in which attendance is 100% voluntary "demand" (your word) anyone accept anything?

Absolutely.

Why, in your personal opinion, should sexually active queer folk take the same stance as an asexual individual who doesn't discuss their sex life? Why are you so important that the rest of the world should conform to your standards? If people are seriously running up to you and making you feel uncomfortable by blurting out their sexual preferences, have you thought about politely asking them to stop? Or do you just whine online?

Provide a few documented cases of this happening.

If being different is abnormal, different from what? What is your accepted default of how people should be, and why, specifically, is it so important to you that everyone conform?

We already do this and we never needed your permission or blessing or whatever the hell this is supposed to be.

And yet, here we are.

As long as they meet your definition of normal.

How do you not see policing people's behavior and denying them normalcy until they meet your standards as intolerant?? Do you just not know the definition of the word?? Serious question.

How many times are you going to complain about this non-existent "shoving of sex into your face?" I haven't mentioned my sexuality. *You've already brought up being straight in your second sentence, and later, your asexuality...while fucking complaining that everyone else is doing that to you! Who is shoving what in whose face now? Also, do you seriously expect anyone here to believe you believe the queer rights movement hasn't changed anything since it began 56 years ago?

Also, who (besides you) says queer pride parades are about winning anyone over? We're just having a party. We don't care who shows up and who doesn't. If our allies want to join us, even better. If our detractors are offended, fuck 'em. No one is making them show up.

OMG that's the furthest thing from our minds!! What are you? The patron saint of all that is heteronormative?

Failing to address people by their proper pronouns isn't an "old" thing. It's an asshole thing. See my original post. Calling a woman "she" isn't walking on eggshells unless you're an asshole. Again, see my original post.

Gibberish. You seriously say things like, "Bob went to the store. I don't know what time Bob will be back, but when Bob returns, I will ask Bob if Bob would like some lunch."?

Be the change you wish to see in the world.

 

You already are.

Because that's why you're doing here...

Right. So you've made one up.

LMAO that you thought I was trying to make friends with you. I don't associate with bigots.

Irrelevant. And yes. You're being beyond judgmental. Again, do you know the definition of this word?

Are you insane? You debate the normalcy of queer folks, refuse to gender trans folks correctly, demand everyone conforms to your definition of normalcy, and vilify queer people for shoving their sexuality in your face while simultaneously telling anyone who will listen that you're a straight asexual who loves the female form and isn't gay, like at all. THAT'S what makes you an asshole. Now, provide an example of me or anyone demanding you swear fealty to anything.

Is that why you're parroting every anti-queer right wing talking point we've all heard a million times? Yeah, you're real original. Maybe you should write a book.

I also won't refuse to gender you correctly, deny you your normalcy, and police your behavior at your social events I'm not even invited to.

Anytime would be great.

And yet, here we are...

 

Sorry, I ain't reading all that. Why? Because I came here to respond to the original poster and offer some legitimate advice beyond "Oh I feel so sorry for you." That doesn't help. I didn't come in here to have some imaginary debate with someone where such a debate won't change your or my opinion, so it's a waste of time.

The OP claimed they were not sure which way they feel in their personal life, which means the "Category" they fit into is not defined. Because of this and the open question to the community, I'm just as valid to offer an opinion as the next person. I'm not here acting like the Gatekeeper, you are, and I'm not interested in some "Gotcha" debate.

The entire comment of mine about "Normal" is exactly that. The entire community of letters and numbers is not just about providing support for one another but to try and make others outside of the group see and accept that they are just as normal as anyone else, which is true. Being seen as normal means to be treated exactly the same as everyone else. To be accepted like everyone else in the world, anymore than someone with a different hair colour walking down the street. This leads to not having to worry about who's around you, what they think of you, will they insult or harm you, because they don't care.

Wouldn't that be nice? I would think so. Guess you don't. My position is about "Normalisation" not hiding away or conforming to others.

I stated my position with my personal life and orientation because when it comes to these discussions, it always comes up and is asked, and seems to be what everyone expects to state right from the get go within this community. Someone is straight. Someone is bisexual. Someone is gay, lesbian, trans, asexual, etc., as if that give someone a ticket to state or not state something on a subject, or whether they're accepted or not within their gated communities. Now that I did, here you are, as predicted, doing the gatekeeping because I don't fall neatly in your accepted categories. You're only proving my point, not countering it.

Meanwhile, here I am, replying to the OP's personal problem, and replying to you, in a mature manner. Out of all the things I could have picked in the world towards the LGBTQ+ community, I honestly stated I have a personal issue about the parades. Only because I don't see how they move the needle. I don't really care for any parades and even as a kid I thought they were sorta dumb.... But hey, personal opinion and all that. Agree to disagree. I never stated they should end, nor am I here to force their end.

And yet, because I mentioned one thing I didn't agree with, here comes the attack, because I don't blindly adhere to 100% of the group's mantra. Once again.... Proving my point about groups and organisations and people being allowed and accepted for thinking for themselves.

Regardless, I didn't come in here to hijack this person's thread and their personal problems. I came in here to offer them some advice. How about you stick to the topic & do the same?

Do you have anything constructive to say to the OP and to maybe help them? Or are you just here to go on a crusade of pushing out others who are not like you just to feel like you won some internet argument?

 

Looks like I broke another one

 

You broke nothing, but if it makes you feel better, keep thinking that.

Again, do you have anything constructive or helpful to say to the OP's problem?

I did, which says more about you than I.