Your daily joke thread!

There's no law that says a president can't pardon himself? Well, yeah. There's no law that says a judge can't take up his own case and then declare a mistrial. Or a prosecutor prosecute himself and then declare nolle prosequi. There's no law against acting stupid. Because no one does that, especially as president.

But you know, a law like that, against acting stupid, would be unconstitutionally vague. And there is a Supreme Court case going back to 1879 saying laws can't be vague. They have to make clear what is outlawed, and that it not be innocent conduct that everyone engages in. But this might be different. Trump will appoint judges who believe in original intent. And, sadly 1879 is not original intent. (Some original intent judges try to follow the doctrine of super precendents. Super precedents are those constitutional decisions in which public institutions have heavily invested, repeatedly relied, and consistently supported over a significant period of time, and so they are never questioned. But a true originalist would reject the doctrine of super precedent.) Maybe the judges Trump appoints will make it possible to outlaw acting stupid. And then we'll get some progress in this country. (BTW nolle prosequi goes back to 1681, so it would be covered by the 9th Amendment.)

 

My friend was addicted to masturbation. Now he's addicted to sex. I think it's gotten out of hand.

 

Yeah, I had a dog with no legs name named Venus. No, wait I never had a with no legs named Venus. I had dog with no legs, but I didn't give him a name. What was the point? He'd never come.

 

Creationists, Creation Science, etc. use the Dragonfly debating fallacy. It is a fallacy, like cherry picking and ad hominem. When little kids saw dragonflies, they used to cover their ears and run away screaming, because the big kids said they try to get in your ears. That is what those people do when you debate them. And they win that way.

 

A recent article in the Daily Post reported that a man, Dave Harper, has sued St Paul's Hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman replied: "Mrs Harper was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct her eyesight."

 

"I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born."

Ronald Reagan.

Well, Mr. President, if God wanted to end all abortions he would have created time an hour earlier. Then women would have more time to make that decision.

 

DId you know, that if you change the name of a place, the laws that were written no longer apply?
The woman in this video actually believes that Donald Trump wants to change the name of the Gulf of Mexico so that the bans placed by Biden no longer have legal weight and that Oil prices will go down because of the Name change.

 

Believe what you want, and even if it's imaginary. But:

"When you tell Easter Bunny you want eggs for Easter that's good. When Easter Bunny starts talking to you, we have a problem."

Yakov Smirnoff.

 

You know, the Catholic church opposed the marijuana act of 1937. Where in the Bible does it say you can't get high? Or drunk? Or dance? Or gamble? You're just not supposed to have sex outside of marriage. Unless God commands you to impregnate your sister in law, like with Onan.

 

"Do you think it should be illegal to burn the American Flag?" Yes! Take that, and make it illegal to coerce people not to say Merry Christmas. (I think that's already illegal, BTW.) Keep In God We Trust on the money. And put a cross and Bible on it (who cares). And leave us the rest.

 

It's strange. I dread weekends now. Nothing is open on them. Or things always seem to close earlier those two days. It's ironic too. Because when I was in grade school and high school, I really looked forward to the weekend. I'd literally count the days. I used console myself by thinking Wednesday was the middle of the week. So now we're halfway there. And people were I live do call Wednesday hump day. I thought I was the one who first thought of that. I never called Wednesday hump day. But I thought along those lines though. But there was one good thing about Sundays. When you left church after mass, it was the best part of the week. It was the longest possible time before more church. Then Homer Simpson said that in 1997 in the episode "In Marge We Trust". But he was right. That is one way of looking at the moment mass ends and you walk out of that church. It's the longest possible time. Think about it.

 

A lady online recently told me I have to read the Bible. It's the only way to heaven, and to become a Christian. I told her "No, people should really read Dr. Seuss. He has better advice, for modern problems. And he uses child-like common sense. A nun once told us that. Well she said she read the Sunday funnies for religious inspiration. But no violence in the funnies. (And no sex either.)"

 

MYSTERY:

John and Mary are Dead.
THey are lying on the living room floor in a puddle of water.
There is broken glass scattered all around them, and the family dog is lapping up the water.
What Happened?

Only Questions that can be answered Yes or No will be responded to.
Channel your Inner Detective.

 

Speaking of poetic license and Sci-Fi dramas like Star Trek (it's also called theater of the absurb BTW), what about Hungry are the Damned from the first Simpsons' Halloween special? In this segment, Kang and Kodos are fattening up the Simpsons, while they are en route to Rigel IV. For a magnificent feast, they're told. Kang and Kodos say things like "your wife's quite a dish", "oh, you'll be at the feast, I have a feeling you'll be the guests of honor" and '"when we arrive, there will be plenty of time to chew the fat". Those are obviously all double entendres. They weren't really planning one eating the Simpsons. (Kang and Kodos merely provided a banquet, and frankly the Simpsons made pigs of themselves.) But there was still more.

Why were they weighing all the Simpsons? When do you do that with your dinner guests? Ever really? And why did they say at one point "Grow large with food"? When do you ever say that to a guest? I mean you could I guess. But it still sounds weird. (And of course, the reason why Kang and Kodos were always salivating wasn't because they were thinking of eating the Simpsons. Constant salivating was just a weird physical trait. Like with the Skrreeans and their skin flakes, Star Trek: DS9, Season 2, Episode 10). And Kang and Kodos weren't speaking English, they were actually speaking Rigelian. By an astonishing coincidence our languages are exactly the same. But then later on he tells Marge Simpson to pronounce his name correctly he would have to pull out her tongue. What words in English do you pronounce that way...

 

You know God, if she exists, is impersonal. Not moral or immoral, but amoral. The ancient Greeks figured this out too. So you would best serve God, like Thomas Hobbes said, by living like an animal. Resorting to cannibalism, like in The Time Machine. Or we could just toss our feces at each other, like Yahoos in Gulliver's Travels. (They were all speculating what humans might be like if they lived like animals, since animals do all those things.)

But why would a supreme being create someone just to "worship" him. I could send myself a dozen roses. But what would be the point?

 

Sometimes you ask an economist how well the ecomony is doing. But it also still matters who's writing the report. Because they used to have a saying during the Great Depression. Depression is when I don't have a job. Recession is when you don't have a job.

 

Yeah, I'm still peeved by Darmok, season 5, episode 2. I don't where the Star Trek producers got the name Darmok or Tanagra. (Tanagra sounds a lot like Niagra, like in Niagra Falls. And Darmok just sounds like the word amok. Like in "Amok, amok, amok!", Kathy Najimy, 1993.) But Jalad is obviously from the Tamil language spoken by the people in South Asia. Jallaad is also the name of a Tamil film released in 1995. Or, JALAD could be a program. It uses AI and NLP to analyze language in surveys and other information-gathering exercises. Couldn't they be more creative?

Here, I'll help. For future reference. When you take the first five consonants, and first five vowels, of the alphabet, and alternate them together in reverse order, you get: FUDOCIBA. The Fudociba should be the name of the next species on Star Trek. And I just came up with it on the spot.

 

You know some conservatives still want to do away with pornography. But I tell them, you'll never get away with that. It's everywhere. It's online now. (And how are you goin to stop that? How would you even KNOW. Ask the men of Utah for that.) But, like with alcohol and prohibition, I think a simple tax might solve the problem:

"Listen, friends and Romans, let me have your ear,
Would that I were home for just a day,
I could settle all my country's cares and fears,
I'd call up my president and say.

Tax your food, your coat and hat.
Tax your income, tax your flat.
We can do away with that.
Put a tax on love."

Put a Tax on Love,
Song by Eddie Cantor (1933).​