Your daily joke thread!

I have proof that the moon is made of green cheese. The proof is I won't listen to reason.

I have proof the Loch Ness monster is real. The proof is I won't listen to you.

And I have proof Atlantis is real. The proof is I'll put sugar in your gas tank so you can't debate me in front of the school board.

 

Someone recently asked me online if I'd enjoy living my life as an immortal vampire. I replied,

Sleeping in a cold coffin in a cemetary in winter, having a body that is a decomposing corpse, drinking blood, being chased by vampire hunters and having to avoid wood and sunlight? No, I'd rather enjoy the short time I have here.

 

A lot of people don't know this. But although the king of England is the head of the Church of England, the archbishop of Canterbury is still the senior bishop and a principal leader of that church. It's an office he has held for over 1,400 years. He is also the ceremonial head of the worldwide Anglican Communion, and the head of the archdiocese of Canterbury. The archdiocese of Canterbury is further divided into 30 smaller dioceses in the north of England. It only has about 160,000 people, which is small for a country the size of the UK. Actually the current archbishop of Canterbury Stephen Cottrell still lives in the tiny village of Bishopthorpe outside York. It's very small. It only has about 3,000 people. If you visited him, he might even show you around. But he could never show you around the archdiocese of Canterbury. It's just too big geographically.

But you know you asked the local clergyman in your area, I'll bet he would love to show you his bishopric. A bishopric is just an area governed by the local bishop, of course. Because it wouldn't be very big at all, and he would probably want you to see it too.

 

Conservative Christians say that the Bible says marriage must be between one man and one woman. That's not true. According to the Bible, marriage should be polygamous (Genesis 4:19, 2 Samuel 5:13, and 1 Chronicles 4:5). Of course unless God commands you to impregnate your sister in law (like Onan in Genesis 38). And, you realize that only women can commit adultery. It really is a property crime and paternity issue, like they told us in RC grade school (that's why adulterers are always female, like in John 8:7-11 and The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne). But a man can lust in his heart, if he ever looks at another man's woman. In which case he needs to immediately gouge his own eye out (Matthew 5:29).

 

Did you hear? A quarter of all atheists voted for Trump. Yeah, he'll take away our freedoms, declare a theocracy and be our dictator for life. But they really like his tax plan.

 

Someone once told me that the best revenge is to heal, move on, and don't become like those who hurt you. And he was right.

But the second to best revenge is to make a phone call to someone like a telemarketer that works in some place where the long distance charges are ridiculous. Like in some country that's our enemy. That would work. And do it at a busy time of day. Call that number up, like at your boy friend's house when he is about to tell you he's cheating on you. And tell the telemarketer you'll be right back, but lay the phone down. Then leave the house and never go back there, or to him ever again. When he comes back he'll just find the phone off the hook and hear air or a dial tone. And he'll hang up. But at the end of the month he'll get the ridiculous bill LOL!

People used to say that in the 80s with landlines. Would that work with smartphones? (I wouldn't know because I never made an international call on my smartphone.)

 

People used to tell Helen Keller even the closest star was out of reach. But she never saw it that way.

And everyone told Beethoven he would never be a musician because he was deaf. But he never listened. Finally he told his wife he'd write one of the greatest musical pieces ever known. And she just said "ha ha-ha-ha!"

 

Someone recently asked online "Do you think Russian President Vladimir Putin is a good Leader?" My reply was "Compared to Donald Trump, yes. Because. Compared to Donald Trump, a lemon is sweeter than sugar, a Mcdonalds hamburger tastes like Beluga caviar, a pile dog stuff smells like a rose..."

 

Another TRUE one.
During radiotherapy, after 3 gold pins are fired into the prostate to guide the beams and prevent them from straying, 3 radiotherapist's have to sit in an adjacent room ready to press the stop button if anything strays into the beam.
At the Royal Marsden, these are mainly fairly young female doctors during their first few years. So in all their are 15 of them spending 8 hours a day looking at guys bits.

I saw the funny side and asked one of them.
After dinner, when your boyfriend comes up to bed, do you take one look and think, "Oh No,, Not another one".
A few weeks later, I found out that my joke had spread all over the NHS.

 

No

 

No

 

And no garlic bread!

 

No

 

When water falls on water,
It makes a sound that all can hear.
But when it’s sprayed on porcelain,
It falls silent to the ear.

 

No

 

No

Let me set the stage again.

John and Mary are Dead.
They are lying on the living room floor in a puddle of water.
There is broken glass scattered all around them, and the family dog is lapping up the water.
What Happened?

 

I had sex with twin's.Ralph asked how do you tell them apart?Well jenny paints her nails pink and frank has a cock.

 

John and Mary are fish. They were in a fishbowl. The dog knocked ii over and it broke when it hit the floor. The dog is now drinking the water.

 

THat's it ... In a Nutshell. I suppose you've heard that one before

 

Yes ... @GregS got it....

 

You know, banning books works against conservatives too. In fact, their book tend to be the most filled with hate, so definitely. But there's one book full of violence and sex. It even has pedophilia and worse. And it's in schools right now. It's called the Bible. Ban it!