My Mental History.

Oh, I just looked it up. And the trick (it's technically called a card flourish) where you rapidly move a deck of cards from one hand to the other is called a "card spring". Like I said, when the street magician David Blaine did the card spring in just the right way, he paused on one card. You didn't even see him do it. I certainly didn't. And then that triggered the mental response where you were thinking of that card at that moment. Because the image was lodged in your preconscious mind, I guess. And I've seen people do that with words. If you pause on a word in a sentence just the right way, everyone in the room will be thinking of it at that moment. Like if you said "Spot is MY dog". You paused on "my". It was the least important word in that sentence. But if you did that trick right, you would know everyone would be thinking of "my" at that moment. Then you could appear to be reading their minds by saying you knew they were thinking of the word "my".

Yeah, card spring. I just wish I knew the name of the parlor trick I just described with the word "my". (Anyone here know?)

 

Plus I don't understand the big deal about my driving. I've always been a good driver. I started driving in the late 80s and early 90s when merge lanes to freeways were much shorter, when they didn't have back up cameras and a lot of other things were different too. And I had no problems driving then. I seem to have some minor problems in some areas of driving. I think we all do. But when I see that I solve the issue by compensating in some way. Isn't that what you are supposed to do in that situation? Because if I lost my car I'd lose everything. Taking away my car was a horrible, violent threat and a form of abuse. It was the worst thing anyone could ever say or do to me, and it went on for decades. And now I am going to make it part of the argument for my case for the rest of my life so it never happens again. To me or to anyone else. And it is still going on as far as I know. And now I may lose my feet some day, and people who were trying to do that to me may just ultimately win that way. That is outrageous and I won't allow that to happen. But no one seems to care or be helping me now anyways. And there is horrible crime and abuse going on in my neighborhood, and people have always drove like maniacs here. Why are the police listening to my neighbors when they say to take away my car instead of focusing on that? Like I said, that is outrageous too, and that will always be part of my argument too.

 

It could be nothing. But I'd swear my symptoms have taken a strange and sudden turn in just the past couple weeks. And like I said, I don't what's wrong with me. My doctors tell me I don't even have anything wrong with me. I have no neuropathy in my feet and my A1C is 5.4. I'm still mentally sharp, but what would happen if I couldn't walk in a couple of months? I'd have to crawl to the phone and call 911. Then I'd end up in the emergency room and my legal guardian would use that situation to put me away some place for good. Because he's angry at me now and thinks his abuse of me and neglect of me is somehow all my fault.

And why? What did I do? I'm such a good person. I've never harmed anyone. But people won't even tell me the reason why they're doing this to me. Because if I ask people just tease me and joke around with me.

 

I'm still confused about my intellectual status. My legal guardian says it's a secret, and he's racked with guilt over the chances of my finding out what it is. If that is because I have the status of someone who intellectually handicapped, that's just isn't true. I could handle it. Since 1991 I have assumed I am at least borderline intellectually impaired. They told me at that hospital that I appear very mentally disabled to other people after all. But if I am I think I am somewhere at the border and in the normal range. I don't know what the normal range is though. Also, a lady once told me that when I was a child people with intellectual problems were often secretly mainstreamed into certain classes. I guess she might have been talking about me, but I don't know. I actually am a little confused by our education system in the US in general. There seems to be a dumbed down version of everything. And I was telling my therapist it's been this way for a long time too it seems. Like at the college library went to for that legal question around 2000. And I told the librarian I couldn't believe how simple and easy to understand the law encyclopedia there was. And she told me that that was because they had the simpler version in that school. Now I found it easy to understand myself. But sometimes I do find some medical text and legal text too hard to understand. (I think that might be partly because my mind has a tendency to wander.) But like I told my therapist, that law encyclopedia there was covered with dust, like it had been their for decades. So this has been going on for years now? And perhaps I uncovered something with that. Or maybe not. I don't know.

Now there was brain damage at my birth. I know that now. It's also odd. People sometimes treat me like I have the mind of a child. And many of them were put up to that, I know. I am beginning to slowly piece all of that together now. I know around 2004 as I said, my therapist started treating me like I could barely read and was trying to take my car away from me. Plus the people in my neighborhood seem to think I can't tie my shoes and don't know my ABC's. Like they were told something like that. But by whom? And why? Even if I am impaired, I'm not that impaired. Maybe a little like I said. And why would they think I am impaired at all? Do I look that way to others? I know I reached all my intellectual milestones on time. I was reading by age 6. Really I knew the fundamentals of phonics even before that, when I learned the alphabet in kindergarten. I can do very complex math equations and some fairly complex computer programs. My mother thought I could be a computer programmer or engineer. She also said she was waiting to see if I became better. Better how? She said I should just accept the fact plastic gloves lead to infection and death. But that's obviously not what she really meant. And it almost seemed at times like she was waiting for me to become smarter. But I am as smart as I'll ever be. So why did she think that? I know some of my doctors seem to be telling me I am or once was thought to be mentally disabled. But I don't know what they are talking about. I also have noticed if I do have a mental disability it is mostly with my social skills, which might be why people think I am more stupid than I actually am. Plus I am too trusting sometimes and miss social cues. That comes into play sometimes. I also have heard people say that we all have different abilities. That's true. Even if I have problems in some areas of intelligence, I actually was thinking recently that I might be smarter in other areas. I just don't know as I said. My therapist said my IQ score is already known. But I never took an IQ test. And I did well and school and people often told me I was a genius.

 

N/M (double post, glitch in the system).

 

Anyways, and all of this is just theoretical. But I really think people my life were put up to the task of making me think I appear more intellectually impaired that I actually am. I'll describe to you a couple of things that happened. And maybe some of you could give me your input. (I'll be careful to leave out names and places, and things that could identify them.)

I was taking sports classes at a college, 1995 to 2000. They were nice classes and mostly uneventful. But in my bowling class in 1995, I was at the alley. We'd basically go to a bowling alley for each class. And I wasn't doing too well bowling. I think I just needed practice. Plus I think I finally figured out what my main problem was. Anyways, I was bowling and this obnoxious girl classmate chastised me, in a really obnoxious way. She was annoyed with me. Clearly because she thought I was different in some way. She said I shouldn't have bowled at that moment. Bowling etiquette dictates that you wait till the person in the alley next to you is done. Didn't you read the book! She almost screamed at me. Then the man and the woman from my class bowling with me looked at each other worriedly. Because I was mentally handicapped and it was obvious, basically. Well, I already knew how to bowl. So I didn't read the book. Actually I don't think anyone in class bothered to read the book. It was really more of a small booklet than a book. And like I said, it was a very informal class. Plus I still wonder about what she said. The bowling alley was crowded that day. If everyone did that, it would be hard to bowl. Waiting for the lane next to you to finish.

There's more. I was taking a golf class in 2000. Again, it was rather informal. We just went to local driving range and hit a bucket full of golf balls. The owner had a son who worked behind the front desk sometimes. One time a mentally handicapped man was by the front desk. And he was saying things that were kind of silly, and the son was teasing him a little. He didn't seem to mind though and was smiling and laughing as he did that. But when I got to him he started teasing me a little to, in the same way. Even though I wasn't saying anything silly. Because I looked to him like I was obviously intellectually disabled. Do I look that way to people? So much that it is obvious? I really don't know anymore. Then one time I was late to the driving range. I ran in to get my bucket of balls. And I asked the man and his son really quick to tell me where the bucket of golf balls were. They said it was right outside the door. It was a busy time of day, and there were a lot of bucket of balls outside the door, in the yard outside where people hit their balls for practice. So I grabbed the bucket leaning against the door. No!!! Not that one, they said. They never told me which one, and I was in a hurry like I said. So I grabbed the second closest one. They were even more upset. NO!!!! Not that one, they said again. Finally the owner said he could tell I was the kind of customer that was going to be a "pain in the ass". Because I was obviously mentally disabled, he meant. Ah, when someone says "right outside the door", and they don't say anything more, they mean the closest thing to the door. Don't they? Or if by "right outside the door" they didn't mean the one leaning against the door (because the door was open, so technically it was outside) they must mean the second closest. Right? Because if there are buckets of balls as far as the eye can see, outside that door, and they never told me which one, and they didn't even point or look in that direction, how would I know what they meant? Am I wrong?

Or one time I was signing up for a college class. Around 2000, I think. And I was at the table talking to the man. He seemed to trail off or not finish his sentence. Then he looked up at me and said, what are you waiting for? Aren't you going to go to that table? He didn't seem to finish his sentence even. And he never told me which table. So how would I know which table? I mean, even if reading the schedule of classes told you which tables to go to when doing what I just described, he should have made himself more clear. Am I wrong?

Okay, maybe they weren't doing all that above on purpose. I really don't know. But I wasn't missing subtle social cues in what I just described. People really weren't making themselves clear. Again, am I wrong?

 

BTW, I talked to someone at the new clinic I may be going to now for mental health care. And the lady I teleconferenced with said she'd keep me on those medicines, even though they are damaging me even as we speak. I'm not supposed to be taking them anyways with Cerebral Palsy. And they serve no legitimate purpose. Plus they really are limited even in doing what they are supposed to do, which has nothing to do with me as I said. But I just told my therapist something interesting.

I've noticed there are three people here in my life, running the treatment I get with mental health. It's strange that I would know that already. But I usually am right about these things. You might have noticed this too, throughout my life. When I suspect something in other words. But one group seems to know me very well. The middle group seems to know me perhaps moderately well. And the bottom group doesn't seem to know me at all. Their information on me, and their approach, is truly moronic even. Like the people involved don't know what they are doing. Or maybe know very little about the science of psychology. It's strange that last one. But it's very true. And if I am going to be damaged by those psychiatric drugs, and if the damage can be avoided now, this fact has to be acknowledged immediately.

Like I said, I told him that tonight.

 

Also another bizarre incident at that college that perhaps you could give your input on. In the early 90s I took an accounting class there. I was never planning on becoming and accountant or CPA. I just thought it would be interesting. Anyways, we had this very conservative teacher. And he was very nice to me. (I'm just remembering random facts from that class.) But I really couldn't understand that class, accounting. Your are supposed to itemize expenses from a business, and know which column to put it in. There's the credit column and the debit column. And I could never figure out what went where. For example for the daily sales in a grocery store, the peaches go in the credit column, the apples go in the credit column but the cherries suddenly go in the debit column. Why? And I don't think the teacher or text book made that clear. (People should make themselves clear, don't you agree?)

Anyways, I eventually regretted taking the class. And I kind of stopped following along with the curriculum by then. And I was handing in my assignments less and less too. But the teacher, and you will think I am imagining this, thought at one point maybe I couldn't even read. I'll just tell you what happened. One day at the beginning of class the teacher said class, we will now read from the book. That's an odd thing to do in college you know, read from the book. And a girl in class said, we're going to 'READ'? From the book? He quickly interrupted her and ignored her, and started with the front row. And I was in the front row at the time. He had everyone in the front row "read" a paragraph in the text book. And when they got to me I read my part too. (I forget the details about what we were reading. I just remember my part had the word FICA in it. FICA is a federal payroll tax in the US, you know.) When he got to me, or shortly after, he stopped. Just the first row of people in class read from the book, like I said.

Anyways, it might have been nothing. But why would he think I got as far as college without being able to read? Or read on an adult level? Did someone tell him something? Something false, perhaps? And like I said, I now realize people in my life were sometimes following script. It was pretty obvious at the time sometimes. And like I said, my legal guardian tells me my disability status is a secret. Why would it be a secret? I've never even heard of that before. Why would people not want me to know it? Also like I said, around 2004 my psychiatrist started treating me like I could barely read. I certainly can. Or was he implying I should play along with whatever he was doing?

I think you can see why this all has me confused.

 

I've always had a tendency to be very rational and sensible. I've been that way all my life. I think that is one of the traits of autism. One doctor tells me that I obviously am autistic. (I've never been given that diagnosis though. At least as far as I know.) Like when I was 9 at my birthday party and I blew out the candles, my mother asked me what I wished for. I said unlimited wishes, what else? What else would you wish for it you only had one wish? (I thought I was the first one to come up with that last one. But I heard it some place later too.) Or my mother eventually told me my best friend was being forced to play with me. Because she sometimes talked to my friends' mothers to make sure they played with me, she told me. It sounded like a wonderful idea to me. Plus he couldn't avoid me and skip out on our play dates like he started doing eventually. He himself was a little creeped out by the fact I knew that I think. But I always thought it was a good idea.

 

I had no doubt right from the start the car thing, and the threat of putting me in prison on made up or trumped up charges in 2004, were new threats. And everything about them was very disturbing and all wrong. They seemed to start around, and it seemed perhaps because of, my 2004 suicide attempt. And the 2004 was directly caused by what started around 1997, claiming that I would be put away because I looked mentally ill to people and they thought I belonged in prison. So they'd find a way or find a reason. And it was troubling that instead of comforting me over what led to my 2004 suicide attempt, they instead ramped up all they were doing, starting with that bizarre group therapy session. It's a good thing I didn't harm myself in some way. But again I thought if I just waited for it to blow over like I did by 1996, maybe everything would be all right.

 

Like I've said even if the matter with the car is resolved for once and for all, I am still going to always bring it up and make it part of my case. Because it shows all that's wrong with this situation, it lasted for over 20 years and it was a form of abuse. That's all it ever was, it never served any legitimate purpose. I am a very good driver with an excellent record. And people wanted to take my car away from me and destroy my life just to err on the side of caution and make themselves feel better? What kind of reasoning is that? It also shows how I have less value to people and how they don't care about my welfare and safety. That doctor thought I'd be embarrassed to talk about that subject because I look like a mentally handicapped person to others. I'm glad they said that. Because now I know I should always bring that subject up often, and I will.

I was also talking to my therapist recently of changing legal guardians altogether. But the trust that was set up for me in 1997 is irrevocable, so he will always have to be the trustee. It's either him or the bank. And I wouldn't like dealing with the bank, I've been told. And plus he lives in an expensive suburb and has a lot of money. I don't have a lot of money already saved up in the trust. And I will always need a car. Not only for my independence and health, but because some of my neighbors are very angry at me now that someone has told them something horrible and untrue. But he does need to be monitored and forced to do what is required of him, and not try to get rid of me or to shirk his responsibilities as guardian. That last change definitely needs to be made here.

 

Also, like I said the car thing with me was never about my driving or my driving ability. It seems to be an issue with people with mental illness in the US, driving. When I was at that hospital in 2004 a lot of the patients there were surprised my parents let me driver. Theirs did let them drive they told me. It's obviously a way of exercising control over them and limiting their rights and decisions.

Also around 2004 if you'll remember, there were a lot of stories in the news about mentally ill people doing acts of violence with cars. Probably because people were thinking then of limiting access to cars in the US to certain groups. Because in the US you can't deny certain groups things like freedom of speech. But as I said, in the US driving is privilege not a right. That needs to change. And with my case, I am going to make sure it does change.

 

I wanted to share this, and to repeat some of the things I have already said here. But when I first learned about the word nepenthe it struck a chord with me. I first heard it in the poem The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe. Nepenthe was a drug supposed by the ancient Greeks to cause forgetfulness of sorrow. I first learned what the word meant in high school. I found in interesting because I never thought of the issue of sorrow and depression that way. That you could alleviate it by just making someone forget what made them feel sorrow to begin with.

That subject also brings up the issue of the right to know. Like in the Star Trek: Voyager episode "Latent Image", like I said. In this episode (aired January 20, 1999), during a routine medical examination, the Doctor discovers evidence that Ensign Harry Kim has undergone complex brain surgery within the last two years which only the Doctor could have performed. The Doctor eventually finds his memory erased due to trauma that happened then. That episode brings up the right to know, because the Doctor's guilt is tearing him apart and affecting his performance as doctor on the ship. It also involves the rights of various groups and whether they are to be treated differently. In this case the rights of holograms, because some people argued in this series that the Doctor wasn't human or fully human. There's also the 1945 movie The Enchanted Cottage. My mother was telling me about it in 1988 or 9. A couple lives there, and the man is disfigured and scarred from a war injury. But in the cottage the couple miraculously appear still beautiful to each other. Only a woman who finally visits realizes that isn't the case. They really don't appear beautiful to others, just to each other. That is only an illusion.

That last movie kind of reminds me of my life. I always have had no idea what I appear like to others. I only know what people tell me, about the way I look. Starting in the 6th grade everyone had to tell me I was very ugly. More ugly than just normally ugly. I thought at the time there almost seemed to be something enchanted about my ugliness. It was a clearly a very unusual type of ugliness. (I now realize people were calling me ugly because someone put them up to it. And the fact that I had no idea what I look like to others obviously had a lot to do with it. I still don't know what I look like. But I wonder if I am not deformed, maybe due to a birth defect. A neurologist did tell me in 1985 my head is much larger than normal. Off the scale he told me, showing me the chart.) I also know when I hatched my plan of going back in time and changing my DNA in utero (which I now realize was a ridiculous plan) in the early 80s, it may have saved my life. Saved my life from suicide. I still don't know for sure. But then it was different I think. Because I was only deceiving myself. But I have been reading up about the issue of lying, and hearing different opinions on it. Like in some of the college classes I took for example. And almost all ethicists agree that lying and deceiving is almost always wrong, and only acceptable in the most extreme situations where you have no choice. Because it's just too open to abuse. Abuse even by people who have the best intentions. And abuse especially where I live, in a city like Detroit.

 

And now I am being denied medical treatment that could avoid permanent damage to my feet and hands that is being done even as we speak. A store says that my insurance won't cover my diabetic shoes for some reason, it just won't go thru. I should have gotten them by now. They probably would help a lot. And I was going to even wear them around the house to help me. Plus who knows what other treatment could help me and avoid permanent damage down the road. I don't know what, but I suspect something might be changing with my symptoms, my neuropathy and nerve damage. Yet my doctors claim the problem doesn't exist. And my A1C is 5.4. How could anyone be such disgusting human beings? And like I said, I will spend the rest of my limited time on earth exposing them for what you did to me, rest assured.

But instead of playing around, and playing this sick joke, they could use that money on me to prevent permanent damage now. Permanent damage that will be complicated by my Cerebral Palsy as I get older. And like I said, people knew that I had Cerebral Palsy. I don't know who or how or why. But the comments people made to me since I was a small child in hindsight made it clear. Someone clearly knew all about that. And now I am being needlessly damaged by that Olanzapine or whatever that they are slipping in my other meds possible. All of that, and all of that permanent damage, can be prevented right now like I said. No, it is not normal for people to be so evil. And I will spend the rest of my life exposing them like I've said.

 

Like I said, I am not sure what anyone knows. I only recently found out there are more than one level of people with the information they have. I just know it was never necessary to hurt me with those psychiatric drugs. Hurting someone with medical care of any kind is never right. And in my case it was never even necessary. And someone knew right from the start what was going on. And everyone certainly knew the rest, that I was being damaged at that point. Even if they didn't know as much as the group on top, they should have known that last part. And it was known that I had Type 2 Diabetes and neuropathy in my feet for a long time. Everyone certainly knew by then. And everyone in my life already knew it was wrong to hurt someone with medical care for any reason. And now I am permanently damaged by those psychiatric drugs, I will need lifelong care and my lifespan has been shortened. There is nothing to undo all of those things. And the damage that's being done even as we speak can be avoided right now. That Olanzapine can be stopped right now. And I can get the treatment and therapy I need that could make a big difference if it's begun right now, if people in my life will stop fooling around for a moment. But they won't it seems.

And now like I said, the neuropathy and nerve damage in my feet aren't getting any better. They might even be getting worse. And I already knew for a while I had both in my right thumb and right hand. Now it seems to have spread to my left hand too. I am going to need special care for the rest of my life, special care complicated by the fact that I have Cerebral Palsy (which like I said someone clearly seems to have known about in my life right from the start). I also going to need independence and things like access to a car always, possibly with special features for a handicapped person. But my doctors still claim that I don't even have Cerebral Palsy. So I really don't know at this point what my future holds.

 

Yeah, the idea of me driving began at least by the time I was 14. People kept bringing it up. Like one time I was waiting for my mother in the parking lot of my high school and some boys walked by the car and saw me sitting in the driver's seat. So you already drive? The asked me. I obviously didn't already drive. Because I was just 14 then like them, and driving age in Michigan then was 16. But people started bringing it up by then. I was actually a little opposed to the idea at first. I am kind of uncoordinated, and I have other minor problems too. But when I started learning to drive in early 1988 with my learner's permit I surprised myself. I turned out to be a much better driver than I thought. I am an excellent driver in fact. And my mother and others were right. It is very important for my independence, safety and welfare. I just couldn't take care of myself at all now or do the simplest thing if I was unable to drive.

But I just wasn't sure of my intellectual status. Starting in 1989 they told me at that hospital that although I have been told all my life I was a genius and I did well in school, I actually have a very low IQ. I might even be mildly mentally deficient. But no one knew about it, it seemed. And I wasn't sure of the legal rights of mentally disabled people in Michigan, if they could even drive. They can, as I've said. My intellectual status whatever it is, or whatever it is assumed to be, is known by everyone, everyone in my life really. And the Michigan Secretary of State's office knew all about it when they gave me my permanent license in 1989. There was no sham or deception involved and I was never in any real legal danger of having my license taken away like that. And like I said, I never doubted I was an excellent driver. An excellent driver with a valid license, good insurance and an excellent record.

So why were my psychiatrist since c. 2005, all my doctors, those police in those two cities and those first responders in that other city trying to take license for over 20 years? Making my life and living hell and destroying my independence, quality of life and safety if they actually did? I want that looked into and I want all responsible held accountable. And I want policy change so this never happens to anyone ever again.

 

I'm just going to repeat some of what I already said now, because I think it is important. But mentally ill drivers and people with other mental issues is something that important to my story. And it is part of my case now, to be clear. Like I said, when I was at that hospital in April of 2004 all the mental patients were surprised my parents even let me drive. Because like I said, it's an issue. An issue of control obviously, I think. Also the issue of taking away people's licenses and suspending it is a big issue in the United States too. They can do it for much lesser reasons than they ever could for other reasons. Lesser reasons than they could ever suspend your Fourth or First Amendment rights, for example.

Anyways, they say driving is a privilege in the US not a right. But like a lady from another country recently told me online, in her country it is a right. And we need to change that in this country. Write something into the statutes for obtaining and keeping your driver's license in Michigan, and other states too. And make it more hard for the police and others (including someone's doctors) to harass them about their driving. Especially when it is so important to them, to their safety and independence, and they are really doing absolutely nothing wrong to begin with.

 

Like I said, in the US driving is privilege not a right. I was researching the topic at that time, around 2004. An in 1974 in one state, I think it was Rhode Island, they denied a man a driver's license. Because he was a flaming homosexual, they told him.

 

I was thinking, and I might as well share this here. And this is more for the distant future, I hope. But driving doesn't seem to be a problem so far for me. Even with my thick diabetic boots, fortunately. But since no is filling my diabetic shoe prescription, and obviously I'd never be able to rely on my guardian if one day I was suddenly unable to do that (even though my psychiatrist thought he could be my chauffeur) what I could do it just drive in socks for a while. That's obviously not illegal or anything. The only problem would be my bariatric socks slipping off my feet. But my new, much tighter diabetic compression socks would be all right for that. They still might have a tendency to get dirty from my car foot pedals and floor. But I could just clean up the area. And actually I could just drive that way indefinitely. And then put my shoes on when I enter stores, etc. of course.

 

Also, as long as I am talking about my lifelong physical symptoms. I have had a very weak urine stream all my life. Always way to weak for a man to have. I always noticed that. And everyone one of my symptoms, including that one, have been observed by people in my life at some time. I had frequent urination since age 9, and that is when I started complaining about it. I finally saw my pediatrician for it at age 13. So everyone in some way knew all these things.