My Mental History.

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Tishomingo, I am not exactly sure what your ellipses points mean. You edited something at 6:31 PM too? Okay.

But you know. One thing I've always noticed about myself is I always found some pleasure, some enjoyment in life. For those six years that I was ill and unfree, Summer 1983 to Summer 1989, I was very dissatisfied with my life. I couldn't go anywhere but home, school, doctors' offices and the barber. And I really couldn't function that way either. I knew even then if I was going to be independent I would have to be more able to be in public. But even in the worst of times I still found some happiness, and some meaning too if that makes any sense. Except November to December 1984 when I was doped up on that Haldol. I was almost a total invalid. I could never live the rest of my life that way. And yet that psychiatrist was going to just keep me that way indefinitely. While telling me he never heard of those side effects from that medicine.

 

I deleted a comment intended to be supportive, but I thought you might take it the wrong way and it would add to your misery. But the psychiatrist you just mentioned might provide an opportunity to make a similar point. I think I mentioned before that as an academic adviser at a university I had dealings with a student who was diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic. He was institutionalized for awhile, and his psychiatrist put him on Haldol, I'm sure thinking it was for the student's own good. The student didn't see it that way. He expressed sentiments about the drug that were very similar to yours, if not stronger! And I felt some of his pain--I'm sure not nearly to the degree the student did, but enough to understand how much it meant to him. What should the shrink have done? He would probably have dismissed my concerns as the misunderstanding of a layman who didn't have the expertise in mental illness to know the action was "necessary".

Another case that I became involved with recently was a guy named Rawhide, who was living at a nearby assisted living facility. Rawhide was missing a leg, suffered from diabetes, had peripheral neuropathy on dialysis a couple of times a week. He was an avid Trump supporter, to the point of wearing a MAGA hat and wig! Quite a character. If you've followed my posts on HF, you're probably aware I don't share his political views. But Rawhide approached me and asked me if he could use my garage for a project, a desk he had his heart set on building. he explained how much it meant to him. It gave him a sense of accomplishment instead of just sitting in the facility and watching the world go by. So although I really didn't like the guy because of his politics, I said "yes' (much to my wife's dismay). The project was supposed to take only a few days. After a few weeks, it was coming along nicely when the director of the assisted living facility found out about it and called his daughter to come by and get the desk, along with the power tools. The daughter took them all back to her home, but he couldn't get access to them. "He shouldn't be using power tools in his condition," the director said said! "It's too dangerous!" And he was probably right. But the emotional impact on the poor guy was alarming. He seemed to be depressed for a couple of weeks. Then started to have heart problems and ended up in the hospital, where he went from bad to worse. I learned he got out of the hospital and was transferred to another assisted living facility, but nobody seems to know where. So once again the "expert" thought she was acting in his best interest, but I doubt that she fully appreciated the full emotional impact of her decision.

Your post made me think of those two cases. I think what you're up against is your two previous suicide attempts, which makes you, in the eyes of the authorities, a "danger to yourself or others", whether you are or not. So taking the keys away from you would be, in their eyes, acting in the best interests of you and the public. But from your posts, I can sense your own legitimate concerns and the toll this is taking on you emotionally. I wish I had an answer for you, but I think I do understand what you must be going thru. And I hope my words don't add to your pain. Best of luck! Hang in there!

 

That you for you reply, Tishomingo.

I was also going to say on the mind reading trick. (And to make clear again, it was never necessary for me, such deception. And I'm sorry if I am letting the cat out of the bag for therapists who might use it. But it is very unethical. And like one doctor told me, they can't stop you, as a patient, from getting information on the internet and other places. That is why being free is so necessary for medical consent, I think.)

But, I saw a magician do another neat trick.He said, think of a animal whose name begins with an E, living in a country whose name begins with an D. The he paused, as if he was getting our vibes, reading our minds in other words. And he said, Wait a minute. There are no elephants living in Denmark. Now that one deals with statistics. It could have been eagles in the Domican Republic. (My answer was slight off too, BTW.) But magicians know a little about psychology. It's a tool of the trade. And like my HS chemistry/physics teacher told us, there is something called working the audience. And it uses psychology, statistics, having information they didn't know you had and just showmanship.

I have to tell you every doctor I saw after 1985, psychologist and psychiatrist, dumped me in a huff. My Fall of 1985 one dumped us because he was incensed we were moving on to another doctor. Because he was so expensive and didn't take insurance. I now realize that never happened. My records followed me everywhere. Everyone one of my doctors knew as much as the others before him.

Also weird, I was just thinking of now. I saw my childhood pediatrician until 1987, when I was already 19. Then he retired suddenly. I begged him not to drop us. I just felt more secure with him. And he seemed so understanding and kind to me. But I wonder about that now. Because when I expressed I felt a little embarassed about that, my other doctors said think nothing of it. A lot of his patients do that, see him well into adulthood. I just kind of doubt that now. I think he was staying on as my doctor just for me. I'm not sure of course. But I am questioning and reexamining everything in my past. A lot of stuff in my past just didn't make sense. Unless all the people in my life were in communication and had foreknowledge of everything about me. Then they would indeed seem to be reading my mind, knowing what I did the night before at home, knowing my interests. And knowing that like many teenage boys I enjoyed pleasuring myself alone. (Sorry, but I had to include that one to make a point. And I really found that one insulting, BTW. That they knew and told me they knew, and then teased me about it.)

Just saying.

 

I talked to that clinic on the 3rd that I guess I will be going to from now on. They said two interesting things. They said my legal guardian is insisting I stay on the Olanzapine. That's what they said. That Olanzapine permanently damaged me, and it continues to damage me. Damage that can be avoided if it is stopped immediately now. And it was never meant for someone like me, someone with Cerebral Palsy. Which I think some people in my life knew about early on. And there is simply no need for it, especially for it to be given to me against my will or secretly. I think there needs to be some accountability here, for people who permanently damaged me, and for people who mistreated me in other ways. Other ways for many years now.

And they also said that I could choose a different guardian. I guess I'll keep my current guardian because it is too late to change anything now. I am damaged for life and I will require special care the rest of my life, especially as I get older with Cerebral Palsy. And I don't know if I want another guardian anyways. It is vital for my independence, and for things like my medical consent even, that I always have a car. It is important for my safety too as I explained to them on the 3rd, because someone told my neighbors something horrible and untrue about me, and my safety is in danger here. You should never tell someone's neighbors something terrible under any circumstances. Especially in a city like Detroit that is so statistically violent. But the trust may not be able to pay for a car. There are limited funds in it. But my guardian will always be able to afford a car. He lives in a rich suburb and he will always be able to easily afford a car. Even one with things like hand pedals and a steering wheel spinner knob, if I ever need those things. Need it due to loss of a limb or loss of all sensation in one or some of my limbs due to neuropathy. And plus, after what my guardian has put me thru and how he has treated me, I think he owes me all of that.

 

Yeah, if I ever need a car with hand pedals, I'll need it right away. I won't have time to wait for my legal guardian to become available or stop fooling around. Because a car is vital to my independence, safety and health. And I didn't even know I had diabetes and neuropathy for years. If I did I would have done something or at least said something. People in my life like my doctors were fighting to take my car away, suddenly and really for no reason. I know they don't seem to care now that I have diabetes and neuropathy. But it seems to me they have a special obligation now that they put me thru that and permanently damaged me to make sure I always have a car. As does my guardian.

Like I've said, this nonsense about taking away my car just started suddenly around 2005. (Or even in 1995, when people in my life started acting like they were wondering if I was retarded and even allowed to drive. Not if I was a good driver, just whether if I was somehow secretly mentally handicapped. Like that that policeman asked me in 2001.) It began as a form of psychological abuse. Because I'd lose everything if I lost my car. All independence and any way of taking care of myself. Especially if I lost use of my feet, or hands too. I know my psychiatrist started treating me like I couldn't even read around 2005. I don't know what my mental status is. But I can certainly read. I can read road signs in a glance, like I've said.

Anwyays, I don't know exactly what my mental status is. As far as I know, I went to normal schools with normal children and I did well. But my doctors don't decide what groups can drive in Michigan and neither do the police or first responders. Lansing does, and the Michigan Secretary of State decides who meets those qualifications to drive. And the Secretary of State always knew all about my mental status. I know that now. There was nothing secret about it, like that hospital told me in 1989. No, people with a valid license and good insurance can drive in Michigan. And I've always had those. It's people who have no insurance and horrible driving records that can't drive. Like many of the people where I live for example, that the police have known about for years and yet still don't seem to be doing anything about. Or like the people here now who just drive thru red lights and stop signs like they aren't even there, which the police also don't seem care or at least are doing anything about. All while they focused on me minding my own business and doing nothing wrong.

But if this is about my mental status (whatever it is), and whether people with certain mental statuses can drive and who decides that, then that will be my fight for the rest of my life. Because despite what that one doctor thinks, that is not an embarrassing topic to me. It is very important to me in fact.

 

Like I said, there was nothing usually about the song Twist Of Fate when I first heard it in 1983. It was from the movie "Two of a Kind" with her then boyfriend John Travolta. I never followed her movies that closely. Her songs were always more popular anyways. And I did know a little about the movie. Something about the couple falling in love and saving the world from divine retribution. (And there was a scene in the movie with her cat, I remember. Because she was an animal lover.) But the song became poignant and important to me in the Summer of 1983 when my time travel plan took a new turn (even though I already was long familiar with the lyrics by then). I have already been toying with the time travel plan since about the 8th grade (after a paperback book I saw about Einstein in our school library in the 7th grade).

As I said to repeat, I already knew about the song lyrics by the Summer of 1983 of course. But just to briefly summarize item-by-item why the lyrics took on a whole new meaning to me in the Summer of 1983:

"Do we deserve a second chance?"​

Seems to talk about how it was so unlikely that I found a solution to my problem. My problem was devastating and insurmountable, and it seemed to have no solution. I was sure I'd never find one. But suddenly in the Summer of 1983 I did. (As I said, although I came up with the idea by the 8th grade, I guess something important happened in the Summer of 1983. I seem to recall I came up with an idea that I thought would make it work, or happen sooner than I thought, for some reason.)

"How did we fall into this circumstance?"
​

Reminded me of that day on the playground in the 6th grade when my best friend betrayed me so horribly. And my life was never the same. Everyone, everyone, everywhere had to call me ugly at least once. Everyone in my family, except one cousin. People I thought I could trust. Nice people did, sometimes very nice people, did. There just seemed to be something almost supernatural about my ugliness. It made otherwise very nice people very mean. And it seemed to give sight to the blind, and people could tell over the phone that I was ugly. It was all very strange. All after that incident on the playground in the 6th grade, for some reason I could never figure out. I don't think anyone ever even called me ugly before then. Just one girl in the 5th grade perhaps. And I am still living in that stage in my life. Because I still don't know what that was all about. And I still honestly don't know how I outwardly look to other people. Perhaps I'll never know.

"We weren't so straight and narrow, This is much more than we deserve, A higher voice has called the tune"​

Like I've said, I seem to recall this might have seemed like a reference to my homosexuality at the time. My private thoughts and fantasies were really no big deal to me at that time. But it did make me feel inadequate. And it was part of a long list of things I wanted to change. Including my frequent urination, my bed wetting (and the thickness of my wrists at one point for some reason).

"The gift of life extension By divine intervention"
​

Like I said, seemed to refer to how it could be what I was taught was divine intercession, or simply the answering of your prayers by God, without any miracle. Since I was becoming skeptical of things like miracles by then.

I think "It's gotta be a strange twist of fate Telling me that Heaven can wait" is self-explanatory.

And, "Don't understand what's going on, Woke up this morning all the hurt was gone, This is a new beginning, I'm back in the land of the living" refers to how it all coalesced one morning. One morning in the Summer of 1983, for some reason.

Anyways, I am not suicidal and never have been. Not even in the slightest way. It is people like that grade school, that hospital, those businesses and many, many others who made me feel I had no choice, and really no other option, but suicide. And my situation could have ended a lot more tragically. Which is why there has to be accountability. For what they did to me, and in the future. So that this never happens again. Because secrets never stay hidden for long. Someone, if only in some future date, always eventually uncovers them. Foul deeds will rise, as Shakespeare put it. Because as Shakespeare goes on in the quote, even the grave can't keep your secrets, especially of some horrible deed, buried forever.

 

I also recently told a doctor I really don't approve of signing fake consent forms for things. My legal guardian signs all my consent forms, and it would make no difference legally if I didn't sign them. They aren't fooling me now with any of that. But that court still thinks it is for some reason. But like I told him if I am ever denied medical care for not signing one of those stupid, fake forms, I am filing a patient's rights complaint. Because that's ridiculous. Plus I looked it up yesterday. My legal guardian is not just my conservator legal guardian. He's my guardian ad litem, because I am too incapacitated to make my own personal decisions. First of all, my guardian and that court are making horrible, reckless decisions behind my back. They have damaged me permanently, and I will require special care for the rest of my life, especially with my Cerebral Palsy, after the damage they did. And plus there are other ridiculous ideas here. Like that I am too stupid to drive, and my guardian (like my psychiatrist said once after my father died) will be my chauffeur some day. Even though I can't depend on him in an emergency. Which I also think is why that is a good point to bring up from now on. How I was psychologically abused with that car stupidity for over 20 years. It shows better than everything all that is wrong with this case. How I was treated unequally and unfairly, and how people like that court, police, first responders and others didn't care at all about my welfare or safety, and still continued doing that. All I have to do for the rest of my life is to keep bringing it up and bring people's attention to that for them to see the terrible, unnecessary, unfair things that were done to me. And they will clearly see it in all of that. And, so I will keep bringing it. And thank you again, that one doctor of mine, for letting me people don't want me talking about that subject, my car. So I will be sure to bring it up often and always now.

But everything about that secret guardianship ad litem is so wrong. Guardianship ad litems are supposed to be to protect people in immediate harm. But it has been going on for at least 15 years (30 even, if my parents were my guardians ad litem). And it's being done by people who are trying to hurt me, by forcing a person with Cerebral Palsy (which they always knew about, yes they did) to take those medicines and to take my car away, for basically no reason. And now I am being denied all access to the legal system. How could it ever be justified to deny someone all access to the justice system? For any reason? There has to be a lot of change with that one. Along with when it is justified to use medical care to deliberately abuse and harm someone? But where am I supposed to submit my legal claim? My legal claim doesn't even exist I'm told. And everyone has to play along. But, I definitely want those last two looked into. Along with the car thing. And what was going on in my neighborhood at the same time when they were trying to take away my car while I was doing nothing wrong and just minding my own business. Along how I know that everyone did know all along I had Cerebral Palsy. I do know someone clearly did. One doctor told me my physical symptoms since the time I could walk should have made it pretty obvious. I'm having all of that investigated, and all involved held legally accountable too if possible. But of course as I said, my case supposedly doesn't even exist.

But I guess I might have to keep that man as my guardian ad litem anyways. We will have to look into that one. Because I still want full consent, full knowledge and all the other rights I can have. But I will need a car for the rest of my life. For my mobility and because my safety is in danger now where I live, after someone told my neighbors whatever they did. My guardian will always be able to afford a car where he lives and the salary he gets. Including one that is handicapped accessible if necessary. If that means he has to stay my guardian ad litem, then we will have to keep it that way. But he has to be monitored. Either that, or I could sue people I guess. But I'd need help with that last one too.

I am also a little confused by my intellectual status. I was told all my life that I am a genius. Then in 1989 that hospital told me I look like or am a person with a very low intellectual status, maybe one who shouldn't even be driving I was told around 1995. I realize now the Michigan Secretary of State already knew about my status when they gave me my driver's license in 1989. So people can drop that subject, I am secretly holding some mental status. I am not. And the Michigan Secretary of State already judged me fit to drive. But what is my intellectual status? I have assumed since 1991 that I am at least somewhere in the normal range. Maybe borderline mentally disabled, I don't know. I know around 2005 my psychiatrist started treating me like I could barely read, and so did other people in my life up till at least 2011. I certainly can read. So that would be untrue, if that is what people believe. I also know my status whatever it is is a secret, my guardian tells me. And it has him racked with guilt. I can certainly handle it whatever it is. Like I said, I have assumed I am probably at least a little disabled since 1991. But still, no one wants to tell me. And I still hold the status of a genius too as far as I know. So what is that all about?

Some of my problems are also clearly psychological. And I need some disability status now to still get benefits. I need assistance. And I am too old now to work ever anyways. Plus I will need help with all these new forms for my disability status. And I am not even allowed to know what my disability status is. It's a secret like I said. I still plan on going down to my old psychiatrist's office and get the information on my disability status and diagnosis. Now, my psychiatrist before that did give me similar forms around 1991. But they were all tongue-in-cheek and he obviously wrote on the spot. And I was obviously meant to see that. And you know, I don't need to be paying someone good money for something that is just meant as a joke. I can get jokes on the internet for free after all.

Also, my guardian did once imply I do look like I have, or may actually have, a physical deformity. With my head of course. What is that all about? And why can't I tell what I look like to other people? That would matter very little now. Because since the 6th grade I pretty much gave up on the idea of getting married, or having any type of normal life. But I still think I have the right to know that though.

 

Like I said, the medical community should never deliberately, or even knowingly, harm someone. They should never take part in any harm, even if it's punitive. They should remain neutral in every political and moral issue. Because they are only there to help. That is enshrined in the Geneva Convention of 1864 and is even found in the Hippocratic oath dating back to the time of Hippocrates in the fifth and third centuries BC. Why that hospital in 1988 and 9 was still living in the time before the fifth and third centuries BC I don't know. But maybe if they, and all the people involved faced some serious penalties, any that apply now these years later, that would help. Or if more serious penalties were in place. So that that never happens to anyone ever again.

And no one should ever be deceived by legal system. Signing fake affidavits and fake sworn documents and entering nonexistent contracts. Not ever, not even in the most extreme situation. Because we should always be able to trust the integrity of our legal system. And that is never justified, not even if someone is under an emergency guardianship ad litem. And I have been under an emergency guardianship ad litem for at least 15 years. Probably 30, because I still suspect this all began in 1992. How could an "emergency" last 30 years? It couldn't be an emergency if it lasted that long. Even if Michigan laws said differently. And where would that logic end? Physically and mentally handicapped people, old people who were recently diagnosed with the first stages of dementia. Or maybe they were just becoming old and forgetful, or maybe they were just becoming a burden to their family. And everyone would be in on it and everyone would play along. They would never know, they'd even die that way. They'd just know weird stuff kept happening. The bank would suddenly foreclose on their house because they never received their last payment. Even though they did, their family just wanted to move them to an old age home. Their license was taken away because the didn't renew their license that year, even though they did. It's just that limiting someone's access to car is a very good bargaining chip. A guardian never has to provide a car to his ward, anywhere in the world really. And then he can later say, your honor, how could he/she take care of himself? He doesn't even drive. Anyways my guardian, which I guess I'll have no choice but to keep now, now that I will require lifelong special care, will have to make sure that I always have a car. I am permanently damaged, I can't be walking around the streets of the city I live. Not with the crime and the hours I keep. And not in winter with my neuropathy and the poor circulation in my feet. I'd lose a toe for sure. And not now that I am in danger, because my neighbors are all very angry at me for some reason now. But certainly nothing I did. I just mind my own business here. Maybe they should too.

But that last one, that would make a good quote. As a bumper sticker for my car, or post on my wall. I know the Hippocratic Oath has many well-known quotes in it, as does the Geneva Convention and people from that time in history. But who said we should always be able to trust the integrity of our legal system, and that the legal system should never deliberately lie to or deceive anyone? Especially in an important matter? I'm serious. Tell me and I'll copy the quote. And then maybe share it too like I said.

 

Like I've been telling people, I have a list of demands I want met even if my case is resolved. And really I will never know when my case is resolved anyways, which obviously is not my fault. Because I have been totally deceived by the legal system in Michigan and totally denied access to it. I can't even try to change my status. Because I am not allowed access to a lawyer, not that I can afford one. But even if I could, he could never help me. Because he would just have to play along.

I'm kind of confused by some of the things that they are even allowed to do in my case. Like have be sign fake documents and fake sworn affidavits and consent forms. I'm still signing them, you know. I know the courts have said in the past that courts and other authorities have to honor their contracts and legal obligations the same as anyone else. For example, a prosecutor could never offer a defendant a plea deal to get him to confess and then take it back. They would be guilty of fraud and breech of contract just like anyone else. So why is that all all right with me? And having me enter nonexistent contracts too? The last time I checked, that second to last one is a form of perjury. Is perjury ever legal? Some might say it is justified briefly in an emergency, but not really as I've already said. But there is an emergency that has been going on with me for over 30 years? That is not possible. I know the Supreme Court defines legal terms and tries to make sure their is uniformity in how they are defined nationally. In street law class in HS I think they told us, for words like "reasonable" for example. So has the Supreme Court said that an "emergency" last for over 30 years? Anyways like I was telling a doctor recently, I think I might just stop signing fake consent forms. It's ridiculous. And it's still going on and I know all about all of that.

And another things I don't understand. I am under guardianship ad litem? Because I am incompetent? I need a little help and always will. I've never denied that. That is why they set up that trust for me in 1997. But do I seem incompetent, to everyone reading this now? Plus my guardian totally ignores me most of the time. If I am so incompetent, why isn't he taking better care of me then?

Anyays, all of that wrong, all of it is dishonest and unnecessary, and all of it needs to be changed immediately. Which is what I want done in Michigan too. Actually, I can keep fighting for this all as I keep resubmitting my case for the rest of my life. Because I'll never know when it has been resolved. Even if someone went out of their way to prove it to me, I'd have to assume they are just lying again. Or showing me fake legal forms again, taking me to more fake legal proceedings or having me meet a fake notary public.

 

Anyways. That man is obviously my guardian ad litem. But that would mean there is an emergency. An emergency that lasted 15-30 years? That's impossible, isn't it? Or they could mean they think I am a danger to myself or others. As I've made clear here many times, I obvious am not. But again, for 30 years? Like I started telling people with my car, when they prolonged that for a couple of decades. If you think I am a menace to the road (which again, I obviously wasn't) maybe you should have done something by now. I'm glad they didn't take away my car. But the rules and logic seem to be totally suspended in my case.

Also, I told my therapist yesterday. I'll probably have to keep my guardian. What choice do I have? I'll need lifelong care now. And I am in danger where I live, possibly because of him. I'll always need a car. Although last I heard, he still thinks it's too expensive. Even though he lives one of our know-to-be very rich suburbs. But that's the point. He'll always be able to afford things like that, even one with special handicapped accessibility. And, being under guardianship would actually give me many rights. I even brought that up with a doctor once. Ironically before I even knew he was my guardian. But I want full knowledge and full medical consent. And, sorry to put it this way, he has to be monitored, and made to know he can't get away with stuff like he was doing. Stuff so bad even my doctors finally had to warn me about. Even though they were clearly not allowed to.

 

I just wanted to add about strange things the mental health authorities did to me thru the years. There is a trick to making a person, any person, think that their mind is being read. Using trigger words, pretending you don't have any knowledge of them at all because you first met them, when in fact all their records were transferred over, even though they were led to believe they weren't. Having a pre-arranged plan with the other staff at the program the patient is at, and then following basically a flow chart of dialogue, depending on how the patient or patients there react to the game the staff is all playing. And having a code, maybe a key word, to give staff members information that they don't have time to be given in private yet. Maybe when another staff member says "artichoke" the staff all switches to plan B. If he says cucumber, they back switch to plan A. And if they have to nullify a previous vegetable directive, someone says broccoli, if that all makes any sense. I saw it all done to me, I know I did. I'm serious. Sorry if I revealed anything. But like I said, a doctor once told me when a patient in the outside world, we can't stop him from getting and sharing information of any kind.

I also wanted to say someone once told me or implied to me, about 5-7 years ago I think, that some of the stuff I described above might have been taken a little to excess with me. I guess possibly because they may have thought I had problems I didn't.

 

I'll have to get a little graphic here a minute for this next one. I obviously had incomplete emptying of my bowel very early one. Since I was a little boy, it would take forever for me to wipe myself. Finally in frustration I'd give up and just stick a wad of toilet paper up there. I told my mother about it and she said she did the same thing when she was in a hurry. But I had these problems early on and I told many people. I had a tendency to complain. So many people in my life must have known all about these things. And then when I went for my first colonoscopy the doctor saw me remove one of those wads of paper. He also saw the dry face towel I kept in my underpants because I had a tendency to leak a lot then, age 17 IIRC. I had frequent urination since at least age 9. And like I said, I remember complaining about it and people in my life noticing it early on.

Plus the comments people made to me, from my earliest memories on. Like they seemed to know I had the symptoms I now know were caused by Cerebral Palsy, and a lot of other comments too. Like they were clearly onto the fact that was what was wrong with me. Pretty early on, like I said. At least since I was a small boy.

 

But as I said, the car thing began as a continuation of the psychological abuse, and the threats, that began at that hospital in late 1989. I saw that right away. But there were so many people involved in it, and it was supposedly a something that was really going on in my life at the time. It wasn't just an idle threat. I was telling my therapist recently. There was a nearby drug store. I was led to believe that some day I'd be getting all my prescriptions there. Because it was a name brand pharmacy. We really don't have nearly enough name brand stores in Detroit. We have some, and some are slowly coming back. But I was supposed to be walking there some day, was the plan I guess. But it wasn't within walking distance. Not at all. I took the mileage there. It was a mile away. And I did walk there once. My feet were aching by the time I got there. And I was supposed to be walking there, at all hours of the day and night, on the coldest day in winter? And all my doctors knew by then I had neuropathy and Type 2 Diabetes. And a guard was shot there once. Ironically around the time my psychiatrist was still talking of taking my driving privileges. Because I explained to him with my father dead now, there was no way for me to go to all the places I needed to. And he said, well your guardian will just be your chauffeur then. He knew he never could be. Because I can't even rely on my guardian in an emergency. But he still said that.

Anyways, I went by there recently. And that store is gone. That whole strip mall is falling into disrepair. It might be gone in the not too distant future. But now I need my guardian. Because he lives in an affluent suburb. And he will always be able to afford a car. One that is accessible to a handicapped person, if I need that some day. Because now the damage is permanent, as I keep pointing out. And the trust would never have enough money to pay for all of that, from what I've been told. And a car is vital now for now only my independence and consent, but my safety too.

 

Like I said my case at least as far as I know, is going nowhere. That court first totally ignored me. My therapist recently said, well you need to send them a fax to open up your case. Then they'll respond. I explained to him then I did send them my fax. In September, like I said. They just ignored me for about half a year. And now I keep getting letters from them saying that they can't locate my case, no such active case even exists and to leave them alone. But like I said, I will have to keep my current guardian now I guess. What choice do I have? The 1997 trust doesn't have enough money to pay for the special car I may need someday. To say nothing of all care I may need too, now that I have been permanently damaged by those medicines. All while my doctors told me my tests showed I was never healthier. Obviously at the direction of that court. But there needs to be oversight and accountability. So people, like my guardian to be frank, don't just return to their old ways at some day, even a distant future date.

And mine is not an extreme case. I've never been involved in any criminal matter, never even one ever. And this involves guardianship anyways. Even if I was a danger to myself or others, it should be handled with my best interests in mind too. Last I heard, there is no progress at all being made in Lansing. Groups that fight for the rights of the handicapped on behalf of their caregivers and guardians are blocking all reform in Michigan. The group that fights for the rights of people with handicaps. Yes you heard that right. And I sent a message online to my representative asking how well things were going with that. My therapist recommended I did that. And I was just ignored. And I sent another message and was ignored again. And I did the same thing with a group the offers legal advice and access to free legal aid. And the same thing happened. I was ignored. But several times with that last one. (That group the offers legal advice is part of my official claim and patient's rights abuse claim now, BTW.)

And I was abused by people my whole life. Because there seems to be a secret system in Michigan, and elsewhere in the US I'm sure, for treating people with mental illnesses and mental handicaps and dealing with them in the education system. Actually, I was being slowly warned and let in on that secret around 1989. Because someone wanted me to know for some reason. Slowly I was filled in, and slowly I've pieced things together myself. I don't know why the secrecy. Secrecy isn't always a bad thing. It can be justified. It is only lying to and deceiving people, harming them and especially misusing the medical profession for either of those that is always wrong in every situation. And my case could have ended a lot more tragically than it did. What that hospital did to me in 1989 could have led to my suicide. Same thing with that school. But it never did because fate always intervened for me. And I think it is to expose all of this and make sure all of this is changed. Reform is done, not only in Michigan but wherever else this is practiced, really in the world. Because I told my therapist a couple of years ago when this all began. The only accountability for people who do this abuse to the handicapped and mentally ill seems to be the honor system. But the honor system doesn't work for paying for drinks and snacks in bars. It only takes one customer to ruin it. So why should it be allowed here? There needs to be accountability. Serious accountability. For what was done to me, and what someone might be tempted to do to someone like me in the future.

 

And that court has forever lost my trust and will never have it again. They might have had it early on, if they didn't first respond by teasing me and acting silly. But it's all right. No one in Michigan with a disability or mental illness should trust the probate courts here. They'd be foolish to do it, especially completely. Even after they've reassured they can. Because like I said, my case isn't even extreme. And if you were signing fake documents and going to fake proceedings the rest of your life, how would you even know?

And now I guess I'll have to keep resubmitting my case for the rest of my life. They want me to leave them alone. But what choice do they leave me?

 

Another strange thing is my liver enzymes. One of them was slightly elevated, and for the longest time. They started telling me about it in the early 90s. Right away I thought of my first suicide attempt July 16, 1989. I swallowed a handful of iron tablets. There were herbal supplements and of a very low level of iron. The man at the poison control center said perhaps they wouldn't do any harm. And they did give me an ultrasound of my liver at that hospital. They said everything was fine.

But then some years back, I want to say about 5-10 years ago my doctors started telling me my liver enzymes were all fine. None of them were elevated. So the problem repaired itself? I know one doctor said that the liver can restore itself, unlike your other organs. But all of that seems odd. And I saw a doctor recently who seemed to nod when I said that my doctors thought that elevation in one of my liver enzymes was due to the iron tablet overdose.

All of that seems very odd. That's all I'm saying.

 

You took the casino thread down, didn't you??

 

So I guess I will spend the rest of my life fighting that court. And exposing them and having them investigated. Over and over again, and in every way I can. But actually I might enjoy that. I've waited a lifetime to do that to the people who have harmed me like that court. And then just like that kindly nurse at that hospital they tease me and then show even more sadism by not listening to my pleas for help. But I think I'll go with those three talking points. Cerebral Palsy, the car and the fact that court drove me to thoughts of suicide. They knew what they were doing, they did it on purpose and I'm going to spend the rest of my life telling everyone I meet that.

Just to repeat a little, that court knew I had Cerebral Palsy. How could they not? The way I walked, the way I talked, all kinds of other symptoms that would make it obvious even to a first year medical student. And yet they still put me in harm's way. They told me I'd be going to prison on made up or trumped up charges for over 20 years. They'd still be doing it if I didn't expose them. Actually maybe they still are. I haven't been to that business where that owner there (who didn't even know me) last did it. And someone told my neighbors something terrible and untrue about me. Not for any rational reason, just because they could. And perhaps to endanger me or at least make me feel unsafe, and because they clearly view me differently And they knew what they were doing with the car. That was a form of abuse plain and simple. My 1986-9 psychiatrist seems to have started the idea that making me think that I'd face a horrible fate someday was good therapy. Like I said, someone some years back seemed to tell me that was probably never necessary with me. But that wanted me to be in that state constantly. Perhaps to bolster their argument against me that I was suicidal. I honestly don't know. But what if I did hurt myself somehow that way?

Anyways I guess I will be resubmitting my case every month for the rest of my life. By now that court should have at least tried to convince me the matter has been resolved. But they didn't even do that. No matter. But like I said I will be adding more each month while that court just ignores me more and more, and treats me like and child, and teases me as I beg for help. And I'll never trust them again. BTW, most of the other people in my life including that new clinic seem to admit that man is my guardian. But I guess that court hasn't got the memo yet. It doesn't matter. Because like I said I have to continue doing this the rest of my life so it never happens to anyone ever again. Because an injustice for one is an injustice for all.

 

I don't think I ever went into the whole story of that bizarre meeting with psychiatrist July 8, 1989. Where he led me to believe that he was now part of the "conspiracy". Up till that point I thought he simply wasn't for some reason. They had already "got" to several other people by then, I was led to believe. And the fact I didn't attempt suicide till July 16th a week later shows amazing restraint, I think. Because I don't know if I ever made this clear. But I was in a state of total panic between those two dates. And I had to sleep that way too, I remember. Which I somehow managed to do. And then when that doctor drove me to suicide, along with that hospital and its abuse, there was no other reason why I attempted suicide at that point. He told me that I was morally weak and it was all somehow my fault.

BTW I was going to say about my guardian. As I said, I actually conceived of that idea long before I found out it was so. Actually it is a good idea because it would give me many rights. And he can't just shirk his responsibilities or walk away. And if he does, he'll face some consequence. Because we can't be going thru this for the rest of my natural life. Which hopefully will still be a long time, despite the ways that has endangered it and permanently damaged me. But as I've said, I want full medical consent, full knowledge, all the rights I can have and to be a full participant. Which is really something that could have been in place right from the start.