How to get the gossip without being considered a gossip?

So I think there's a fine line between talking about people and being considered a gossip. Did you ever find yourself about to say something and realise that it sounds quite gossipy? Are you able to stop yourself?

Have you ever heard the quote "small minds discuss people, great minds discuss ideas"? Because I think it might be an overrated line. I would consider myself smart, yet I do like to hear the gossip. After all if you're someone who's say going to be working as a cleaner for the next year, then where's the motive to talk about "ideas"? Ideas like political stuff perhaps... ideas as he clever plans that you either don't have the time to execute, or don't have a say in. It makes much more sense to talk about the people around you so that you know more about them and how they might potentially treat you. Doesn't have to mean you're small minded. So if others heard me talk I might sound like a gossip but I wouldn't consider myself so. I've realised that I mainly like to talk about bullies. I think of it as me being interested in human behaviour. I mainly do it to be prepared for whatever stunts bullies might try and pull on me.

In not considering oneself a gossip, a person might talk away to a friend about the someone else's situation at work because they know these two people will never meet. But how is that friend to know they wouldn't be revealing such details if they did know that person? Is the benefit of the doubt given to the talker in these cases? Or should we say "I'm only saying this because you don't know the person". I think usually the listening is just so interested to hear a good story that they're not thinking about whether you're a gossip or not.

So we want to get the best of both worlds, in that we want to be able to share interesting stories with people so that they'll be willing to share back with us, but we don't want to be considered untrustworthy, nor do we want people to know that we enjoy listening to such stories as much as what we do. Now funnily if we didn't talk about others at all, then there's a chance that we wouldn't have built such a connection with someone in the first place.

Another thing that sort of goes without saying is that when you're talking to people, there's certain things that you know they'd be okay with you saying to others, and certain things they wouldn't.

When talking to someone we might reveal bad things that other people did, with the premise of the conversation being that that person is the bad one and not us. We justify it because we sense the person listening knows us well enough to believe it. We don't consider it gossip because it is - after all - more interesting to talk about wrong doings of others, than it is to talk about the weather, sport or politics. Because these are the people that we will have to also deal with so we should try and get a heads up.

It happened recently at work where a new guy was asking me advice on things and someone else's name came up. We both instantly said "good guy". A bit later another person's name came up who is an asshole. He said "nice guy" and I just left silence and deflected back to what we were talking about. I'd loved to have bitched about him. But I'm sure if this new guy is a good judge of character he'll eventually see that asshole for what he is, and then he'll think back to the silence I left that day!

What I'll do as well, is instead of asking a question outright and make myself sound nosy, I will instead say something else that I know will remind that person of the thing that I want them to talk about.

Regarding the things I do in order to not sound like a gossip is that I listen but I'm careful about asking questions.

 

You should try teaching Jane that one. I guarantee that you would fail.

 

You're like George Hook or Ivan Yates. When they're on public radio they keep referring to their wives by their names as if the people listening are somehow supposed to know who they're talking about. I never found it endearing. Other presenters would just say "my wife does so and so".

 

This is HF, the site where members get to know each other by name. Zen certainly knows who Jane is. LOL

 

So what's your name then? Wils?

 

I am William, Jane is my wife.