How to get the gossip without being considered a gossip?

So I think there's a fine line between talking about people and being considered a gossip. Did you ever find yourself about to say something and realise that it sounds quite gossipy? Are you able to stop yourself?

In any company there's people who are in the know, and guys who don't give a shit about the gossip within the company. The former kind are either the sort who spread confidential information and make up rumours, or the sort who like to know what's going on with people, but have the morals at the same time. Generally I find that with people in the know, you need to be careful because ultimately they hear all the rumours from the gossips (who they cross paths with) and often end up believing them. They may not seem like a gossip, but you know they will engage with the gossip and likely believe what they hear about you. If you have long conversations with this person, and they never ask you about a particular incident that happened to you (yet talk to you about incidents involving others) then this may not be good. Given that they're happy to talk about others to me, then it would put me at ease if they did ask me about a rumour or incident involving me. But then again, is there the possibility that they think I might get offended? It's amazing how people will listen to the rumour going around, and never just ask the person what actually happened.

Have you ever heard the quote "small minds discuss people, great minds discuss ideas"? Because I think it might be an overrated line. I would consider myself smart, yet I do like to hear the gossip. After all if you're a person, say, who's going to be working as a cleaner for the next year, then where's the motive to talk about "ideas"? Ideas like political stuff perhaps? Ideas about your clever plans that you either don't have the time to execute, or don't have a say in. So it makes much more sense to talk about the people around you so that you know more about them and how they might potentially treat you. Doesn't have to mean you're small minded. So if others heard me talk I might sound like a gossip but I wouldn't consider myself so. I've realised that I mainly like to talk about bullies. I think of it as me being interested in human behaviour. I mainly do it to be prepared for whatever stunts bullies might try and pull on me.

On occasion I've ended up in a situation within a toxic work environment, where I'll come across a guy who'll call a spade a spade with regard to who is bad and who is good. It is very refreshing to hear this, because it reaffirms to you that you're not mad and that you're instincts are dead on. It's good to trade a few stories with such a person as it will allow you to learn more about these bad people, and find out just how bad they really are... and thus be prepared. However in doing so I do try to be tactful about what I'm saying, because I know that if the conversation was overheard, we'd be the ones considered to be the gossips... even if our conversation could possibly be about how there's too many gossips around with the premise that we're not gossips! I know that sounds stupid, but it can actually be the case. So if a name of a good person comes up during such a conversation, I won't say anything about that person that they wouldn't want me to say.

When someone tells me some dirty gossip about someone else, my first thought is usually "gee this is interesting to hear". It's always only later that I think "fuck, he shouldn't saying that as it's only a rumour", or "what could that guy be saying about the thing that happened to me last week". It's funny how a person can be providing you value when telling you gossip but they're literally falling in your opinion when they're doing so. In not considering oneself a gossip, a person might talk away to a friend about someone else's situation at work because they know these two people will never meet. But how is the listener to know they wouldn't be revealing such details if they did know that person? Is the benefit of the doubt given to the talker in these cases? Or should the talker say "I'm only saying this because you don't know the person".

So we want to get the best of both worlds, in that we want to be able to share interesting stories with people so that they'll be willing to share back with us, but we don't want to be considered untrustworthy, nor do we want people to know that we enjoy listening to such stories as much as what we do. Now funnily if we didn't talk about others at all, then there's a chance that we wouldn't have built such a connection with someone in the first place.

Another thing that sort of goes without saying is that when you're talking to people, there's certain things that you know they'd be okay with you saying to others, and certain things they wouldn't.

When talking to someone we might reveal bad things that other people did, with the premise of the conversation being that that person is the bad one and not us. We justify it because we sense the person listening knows us well enough to believe it. We don't consider it gossip because it is - after all - more interesting to talk about wrong doings of others, than it is to talk about the weather, sport or politics. Because these are the people that we will have to also deal with so we should try and get a heads up.

It happened recently at work where a new guy was asking me advice on things and someone else's name came up. We both instantly said "good guy". A bit later another person's name came up who is an asshole. He said "nice guy" and I just left silence and deflected back to what we were talking about. I'd loved to have bitched about him. But I'm sure if this new guy is a good judge of character he'll eventually see that asshole for what he is, and then he'll think back to the silence I left that day!

What I'll do as well, is instead of asking a question outright and make myself sound nosy, I will instead say something else that I know will remind that person of the thing that I want them to talk about.

 

You should try teaching Jane that one. I guarantee that you would fail.

 

You're like George Hook or Ivan Yates. When they're on public radio they keep referring to their wives by their names as if the people listening are somehow supposed to know who they're talking about. I never found it endearing. Other presenters would just say "my wife does so and so".

 

This is HF, the site where members get to know each other by name. Zen certainly knows who Jane is. LOL

 

So what's your name then? Wils?

 

I am William, Jane is my wife.