I just need to write, so this may be more therapeutic for me than worth anything else... I've been through some significant changes in recent years. I finally faced some truths about myself, which included the fact that I am a gay-leaning bisexual man. I made some mistakes along the way; one of which was not being honest with my wife before we were married. In my naivety, I believed I could play it straight because that was what seemed most acceptable, overall. As time went by, and things seems to change between my wife and I, I realized I could not keep that to myself and remain sane. As a result, and again over time, my wife could not accept this, and the ultimate choice was made that our marriage was essentially over. As we worked towards officially ending the marriage, she changed her mind, and we embarked on a different arrangement. It seemed we could continue to live together yet live separately. Financially, it made sense. Emotionally, it did not always make sense. I realized, though, that if I chose to not accept this, and find my own place to live, I would have to give up my home and I would also have to sacrifice seeing my grandchildren as often as I do. So, we agreed to continue to share the house. She lives in the in-law apartment I built for my mother many years ago (which also provided a home for my father-in-law, and my daughter and her new family). I live in the main part of the house. I maintain the yard and do most of the chores and upkeep to the home and property. I love my home and I enjoy seeing my family when they come around. She and I live independently of one another most of the time - except when the kids come around. Thankfully, we get along and it is a pleasant environment. I've had friends come over this summer, for backyard fires and hanging out. She is OK with this. Some of my friends seem to think I am not living my life to the fullest, though, and that I should move on. I am keenly aware that my wife and my daughter are very close. She talks with my daughter and face-times with the grandkids often. They are both little kids and adore their grandma. I know they love me, too - but sometimes it feels like I am invisible. For example, today they came and went without stopping over to see me. I saw them walk down to their car to leave before I even knew they were here. It made me feel sad that my little granddaughter didn't think about the old man in the other room. But, I had to accept that my daughter and wife, and my granddaughter are in a very tightly bonded relationship. I have two sons who I see regularly. I went out for beers and dinner with them just last weekend. My wife didn't go with us. And I am sure it made her feel a little sad to know that we were out without her. So, it is the trials of a marriage coming to an end. We are being mature about it, and we still care about each other, but our love has changed so much, and I suppose we should get some medal for our maturity. But, sometimes I wonder - am I doing more damage than good to be this mature about it all.
I guess you are doing that which is left of a relationship that has gone through major changes. I don't see that you are doing damage. It seems as if you both are doing what might be best for all concerned under the circumstances. I wish you and yours to be well.
I had forgotten I even had written this until Toker saw something and decided to delete it and ban the writer... A lot has taken place in the time I first wrote this in October of 2023. I'll start with this. Last summer my oldest son moved home with his fiancé, his son from a first marriage (who is only there half time, every other weekend and one overnight during the week) and their dog. My middle son had already been living there for some time. My wife and I had continued living independently as we had agreed to do, but with my eldest son's presence in the home, the reality of how his parents live began to eat away at him. Tensions began to mount between me and my sons. In early August, last summer, I spent a weekend with friends at a cabin of one of the guys. It was nothing more than a guys' weekend of drinking, getting high and playing cards, good food and conversation. When I came home, my sons confronted me that their mother suffers and struggles each time I go away like this - even though my getaway weekends are pretty non-existent. They said every time I go out the door, their mother most likely has a vision of some gay orgy going on. I was pretty surprised by both of the boys assessments of what they think their mother thinks about - and I reminded them that is the furthest thing from the truth - and that we had an agreement to live independently. My younger son challenged me to face the fact that agreement is not working, and that I need to do the right thing - fix my marriage - and stop the shenanigans. I was pretty shocked at the intensity of the confrontation, and the awareness that my sons feel a repulsion of what they imagine their father does as well. That is the problem when a man comes out and is honest with his family - they have some pretty far-fetched ideas of what it's like to be gay or bisexual, and I'd sorry to say - it's largely untrue. Anyway - I took what they said to heart and went to my wife - I told her what our sons had said and asked her if she felt this way. She confessed she does feel that way, and that our family seems fake the way we are living. I walked away from that conversation realizing that my wife's more accurate desire in life was to not face the embarrassment of being divorced and needing to admit her husband is gay. All we had before that seemed like lies, like fake behavior, and it was causing her more pain than I was able to imagine. A week later I approached her again and told her I was going to get a lawyer and file for divorce, and that I was not going to continue living in our home under the tension of the way my sons are treating me. It takes time to find a lawyer and proceed with that. It also takes time to find a new place to live. But before any of that happened, a young man walked into my life and we began down a path of a committed relationship, working to get to know one another, and I began my first "normal" love relationship with someone - who just happens to also be male. We've been together (not living together) for almost 9 months now. I moved out of my home back in March and am adjusting to that. My divorce is still in progress. My wife's lawyer has been fighting for more than NY law allows in a "no-fault" divorce case. I understand my children's feelings. This is hard stuff. I went through my own parents' separation and divorce, and as a child, I was forced to "get along" with my father's new wife. The sad part of my current situation is that my partner and I getting to know one another only paralleled my decision to leave my wife and get the divorce. My relationship was not and still not is a contributing factor to my decision to finally "do the right thing" as my son put it. Interestingly, my partner's family has accepted me. We've spent two holidays together with his family since we met. My family has refused to meet him. I know this bothers my partner and I worry it will be a barrier from any of them fully allowing each other to know one another or ever like each other. I don't want to choose between my family and my partner, and I have no intention of that. The hard part is - this is not something I can control. I remember struggling for years to let my guard down with my father and failed to understand that his decisions, even though they impacted my life significantly, did not change his love for me. We lost out on having a close relationship, though. And I can see this could happen with my children, and my greatest loss will be missing contact with my grandchildren as much now. I've told my children my hope they will consider meeting my partner. I've told them I am willing to answer any questions they have. I've told them I cannot make them understand, nor can I make them love me, respect me, or want to spend time with me - that is on them... The challenge for me is figuring out how to keep the door open and keep the communication open. So - there it is. Thanks for reading.
Sorry that you've gone through so many struggles with marriage and family. Family counseling might not be a bad idea, but it's complicated by the fact that you've got ongoing contentious divorce proceedings. I feel like maybe couples or family counseling might have helped bring about a more amicable separation, but maybe that's overly optimistic. It's understandable that your wife and kids were shaken by the change in your marriage, but it also doesn't seem to be reasonable for them to expect you to "play it straight" just because it would be more convenient for them for you to be that way.
This is some pretty heavy reality. You mention that you made some mistakes about not being honest with your wife before you were married. Did you really know you were gay leaning bisexual then? I don’t know how old you were or how many years ago this took place but sometimes people don’t understand their true self until much later in life. Sometimes they never figure things out. The complexity of your family dynamics with your sons, daughters, grandkids, siblings and in-laws, then the financial separation, that alone can be devastating. That’s a lot to wrap your head around. I’m a grandparent and trying to imagine myself in your shoes is overwhelming. Well at least you found a partner who can give you some sense of peace. Hopefully your relationship is stable enough to plan a future together. Good luck man, hope the divorce doesn’t add too much more pain.
I cannot begin to understand myself as a teenager - but I remember clearly the "crushes" I had on other male friends my age... I chalked it up to being an only child and wanting a brother so desperately that this must be what that was about... but what I never seemed to process was how many times I jacked off at night with visions of the naked guys I'd seen in the gym shower. I denied it to myself while other boys in high school called me fairy and faggot. They knew what I didn't. I cringed at that but never fought back. I just hid deeper inside of myself back then. In denial, I suppose. Fearing rejection or worse, possibly. I dated girls all through high school - and college - but my relationships did not develop, and I did not pursue a natural progression sexually with any of them. My first real sexual experience was when a male friend in college made moves on me - it was then that I realized how natural it felt to be with him sexually. Yet, I fought it, felt guilty and shameful for what we had done. When I first lived on my own, I stumbled on the world of "cruising" and went full on with that - meeting up with guys in parked cars and going to their places - I had a couple longer relationships that both ended badly - and because I had no real support network of other gay friends, I came to the conclusion this was not the life for me. I decided that my attraction for females was strong enough that it only made sense to ignore my desires for male sex/companionship and go for the "normal" life that would bring me the dreams I'd wanted for a happy life. I am astonished - to this day - at how I was able to deny who I really was. I still suffer saying I am gay. But, it would be much more accurate to conclude that - since my whole life shouts that my attraction to females was so minimal vs my much more natural feelings for men. It has taken me years to accept myself. I came close to taking my life. That was, thankfully, the turning point in my life - that I chose life and to face the facts. It came too late for my wife, and I was a naive coward to allow her to continue hoping for something that was never really there. I love her. We did have a good sex life the first few years - and I don't want to blame her - but her lack of sexual desire for me, or anyone, I presume, began to die after she had our babies - and that was when I began to drift back to my old habits of seeking sexual hook-ups with men. As time went on, though - I realized that just sex was not enough. I desired more. I wanted a real loving, mutually respecting relationship with a man. I faced the facts of our marriage, and took action - at the cost of damaging my family relationships. I have to give those time if they ever come around again. Thankfully, my daughter has been the one to embrace me as I am. I finally concluded that a life alone was better than staying in a relationship that only brought us both stress and pain. Quite miraculously, after I made that decision, I met a man and we have been together for 10 months now. It's good - quite good - but I still feel strongly that if it ended today, I would prefer to live my life as I have chosen now than to go backwards, or any reason. This is the life of a lonely boy who did not know how to process things, who did not know who to talk to and simply made decisions about my life on my own - and they were not self-serving in a way that allowed me to be true to myself, but were self-serving survival the only way I knew how to do.
