Sex and then love, or love and then sex?

In my [22F] mind, sex has always been something that happens as a result of love. I always pictured myself with a man who would fall in love with everything about me as a person, and I would feel the same way, and then sex would just be the icing on the cake.

I’m a virgin, if it isn’t obvious. And it wasn’t until I talked with one of my sexually active friends recently that I began discovering that the rest of the world doesn’t feel the same way as me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying no intimacy. I love affection. Cuddling, kissing, holding hands…that’s so important to me. But I always thought sex was something you did with someone because you loved them.

In reading and asking around, I feel like I’m never finding a man who also thinks like this. Most say women like me are prudes and it’s a dealbreaker if a relationship doesn’t have sex within the first 3 months. That still seems super quick to me. A year is more in line with what I’ve envisioned.

It seems like sex is viewed as something that has to be good in order for people to fall in love. I guess I would want someone that would love me without having sex first.

Do literally any men exist out there that think like this? Can a man fall in love with me without having sex first? I feel like an alien on a foreign planet trying to understand how the world views sex. Any insight welcome

 

When I was a wee lad, my parents told me to never have sex with someone I didn't care for or wasn't in love with - and then don't do it until I got married to them. Then I found out how the world really works and, well, hmm, why wait that long when you can do it now? Feelings were very, very, fragile and labile back then and since my parents didn't really have an answer to the question of, "How will I know when I fall in love?" except to say, "You'll know!" and even interacting with girls and feeling... things for them only to get my feelings crushed into paste made falling in love one of those things not to worry about or, if it's gonna happen, it'll eventually happen. In the meantime, the hormones demanded that I have sex.

Are there men out there who think as you do? Yes - just don't ask where they are, okay? Can a man fall in love with you without having sex? If he believes as you do, yes. In these modern times, I can see how you could feel like an alien when everyone around you is doing the deed and you're holding out for that man who is going to love you for who you are and is willing to wait to have sex with you but if those are the values you cherish, then you hold true to those values and be on the lookout for the man who is truly going to love you first and place having sex with you second or third or fifty-second.

 

You are a romantic. Nothing wrong with that. I dated my wife in the mid 80s. I was one that can say, I fell in love, with her, at first sight. We were friends for about a year before we became serious. I know, it was a different time, but I had friends that had sex early in relationships. Some worked out, and some didi not. My 38th anniversary is this year. There is someone out there for you that will accept you on your terms. You have the right to do things your way.

 

Men are like women, in that they run the entire spectrum WRT sex and love. My first GF and I were very romantically intertwined before we had sex for the first time. With my second GF, it was *ALL* about the sex.When we got together, it was to fuck, as often and as long as possible. Fast forward to my wife of 46 years. We didn't have sex until the night I proposed to her (after half a year of dating) and she was a virgin at the time. Our sex lives have been great, but we loved each other first.

Needless to say, your attitudes about sex and love are as valid and commonplace as anybody else.

 

46 years. Sorry it didn't work out. . Just kidding. Congratulations to you and your wife. 46 years is an amazing accomplishment. I hope my wife and I make it there.

 

Thanks. Strictly speaking, the 46th anniversary doesn't actually happen for another month, but, you know...

 

There are men out there that feel the same as you, you just might not be in the same circle so you are not meeting them.
Whatever you do stand by your beliefs and what you want and eventually you will get it.

Sex is sex, it feels good, however sex with someone that you have an emotional attachment to and who is committed to you is so much better.

 

I would disagree with the last part of your answer. I fuck purely for the sexual thrill ride and if I ever had this emotional attachment or commitment to a person, then I can’t believe it wouldn’t impact my style. I’m not saying your philosophy is wrong for you or perhaps the majority out there, but for me I feel my way is so much more free and uninhibited.

 

Some of the best sex I've ever had has been with people I didn't have an emotional connection to; likewise, some of the best sex I've ever had has been with people I did have an emotional connection to.

 

I'm a little older. My experience has been that sex and love are only tangentially related. **** what you want to ****. Hug what you want to love.