Wish she'd said something different

I came out as genderqueer to a family member with whom I'm very close and her response felt a little too cutting.

A few clarifications: Deciding to officially describe myself as genderqueer is not a big deal to me. Particularly because I have no desire to transition nor change my appearance, name or pronouns to anything traditionally feminine. Anytime I've come out to someone, I've made it abundantly clear that it's "not a big deal."

Part of that is because I want some manner of chill acceptance but if someone starts asking me questions like whether they need to do anything different to support me, I wanna run out of the room from the sheer awkwardness of their palpable struggle to say the "right" thing or react in the "right" way. That, or tell them, "If I needed shit from you, I'd fucking say it, motherfucker."

I want people to be like, "That's awesome. I'm happy for you. Fuckin' rock on, man! Oh, while I'm remembering, did you hear there's a new pizzeria in town?"

But for all the lip service I keep giving to the fact this "isn't a big deal," when I told this family member, all they said was, "It doesn't matter" in a really brusque tone. Almost brushing it off. I know they didn't mean it that way. In fact, because I've bristled at the over-corrective responses I've received, I even said in reply, "That's the right fuckin' answer." But I have to admit, when we parted ways immediately after telling this person, their response felt caustic. I even thought to myself, "But... I mean... it does matter..."

That's all. I'm not looking for advice. It's honestly not that important to me. I have nothing to gain from going back to this person and expressing any of this or what led me to recognize this is the most accurate descriptor of my gender. I'm only writing this post because I needed an anonymous void into which I could express my reaction to their response.

Happy Pride Month to all!

 

Thanks, Kathy. I appreciate it. More importantly, I appreciate you running this message board. I do want to be abundantly clear that this family member is extremely progressive. In fact, they have a PhD in identity studies. They're probably the only family member to whom I wanted to come out. [Wait, that was awful syntax and yet I still somehow ended the sentence with a preposition!!!] I know how they meant it. And in their defense, I said it hastily just as we were parting for the night after tying one on. [There's another one of those pesky prepositions again...] I think "it doesn't matter" would have been a really lovely sentiment if the tone with which they said it was a little softer and more in the spirit of what they were expressing. And to be brutally honest, I really could've used a hug.

 

I'm guessing that person already knew your situation and it didn't matter to him/her, as he/she said.

The reason for the tone was probably due to not just not wanting to talk about it, but also maybe not being sure as to why you are telling him/her or what kind of reaction you were hoping to hear.

 

If I had to guess it would be that this person didn’t understand your need for affirmation. Their response saying “it doesn’t matter” in their mind was synonymous with “you know how I feel about you, and this doesn’t change that”. The notion that you revealed something deeply personal that left you vulnerable got by them.
I know you are not looking for advice, but sometimes forgiveness and reconciliation leads to deeper relationships.

 

My response would have been, I’m so happy and pleased for you, you’re looking amazing and so happy.