Can anyone explain why I'm attracted to gay men without realising they're gay?

I'm the same as you, except I am a guy. 90% of the men I'm attracted to are gay and me not knowing. It's a big turn on to find out they are gay.

 

I do think for a lot of women more attracted to gay men, that definitely is part of it, even though most wouldnt openly admit to it. There's this feeling like "Maybe he could be straight, he just hasn't met the right woman yet! (the right woman, meaning = me)" I won't say that is always the case, but in a lot of them, I think that definitely plays a factor in it. Most straight women have an inherent need to feel they are attractive to men, me included. And just because a guy is gay, doesn't make him exempt from potentially fulfulling that need. And for some women at least, they see gay men as a challenge to that, and feel that they would be able to convert a gay guy to being straight if she was alluring enough.

Though most wouldnt admit to it, the unavailablity of, and the challenge factor involved with gay men, is at least part of the attraction that some women have to them. Though it is also true that some women prefer sensitive, and very caring men. And some women rightly or wrongly, see gay men as having more of those qualities as opposed to straight men. I usually find most gay men to be waaay too effeminate for me to be attracted to them, but the more straight acting gay men, some of them I do find very attractive. So I can relate to at least some of what some other women in here have already said.

 

ME TOOO! I have just recently realized that I'm attracted to mostly gay men...why? I think it's because they look more polished and I also like a touch of femininity in men. I don't find women appealing, but I have seen an ugly woman once or twice that I thought was a handsome man...it's frustrating.

 

I've always had this problem too - from about the age of 5. My first boyfriend (age 4) liked to wear my underpants. He is now driving stick exclusively. In high school and college, I was the last ditch effort for several men who subsequently came out of the closet.

I think this is a more complicated problem than just liking gay men better as people and honestly I think it has more to do with the world being f-d up than with me or any of the other women who have posted here having any kind of real problem.

I think that for gay men and lesbians, it's a lot easier to find someone who wants to be on an even footing with you - who doesn't want to be in charge all the time or want you to be in charge all the time. Someone who will cheerfully knock you over and ravish you one night and then let you totally work them over the next and not feel threatened. I'm not saying there aren't gay men and lesbians who rock uneven power dynamics, just that there are more of them who are flexible about it than there are in the hetero world.

I've gotten feedback from men I've dated in the past that they found my MO kind of scary. After talking with gay men friends and watching a lot of Michael Lucas movies, I now see that it's just a lot more like the way men approach men than the way women are supposed to approach men.

So...there you go, for what it's worth. There is no great pool of dating candidates for us, so count yourself lucky if you find yourself a straight guy who likes being approached the way a gay guy would and will respond to you in kind.

 

This is waaaaay late, but had to respond anyway. I've suspected I have the same problem for a few years. For me, I think it's just that I've been around long enough (51 years) to have been repeatedly disappointed by straight men and don't seem to be attracted to the typical straight man anymore. I don't "hate" them or anything, just find them kind of boring. I also feel like they're less true to who they are....less authentic...and they often come across to me as if they are so busy trying to fit the "manly" stereotype, that they don't even really know who they authentically are. When I become attracted to a gay man, it's never the really obviously-gay men...It's always someone who could possibly pass for straight. It starts out as a recognition of an absence of obnoxious-male-ego (obviously this is only "certain" gay men) then pretty immediately turns to physical attraction if he's physically "my type". It's not that I know they're gay and continue to be attracted...I find out (and sometimes never have it completely confirmed because he may be in the closet) only after things start getting weird...or in one case, when he received roses from a male friend on Valentines Day! Yes, pathetic. I know. Not a fun problem to have. I think, for me, it has to do with a number of things....that gay men have often had to deal with homophobia and are often forced to grow as a result...the ones' I'm attracted to seem so much more kind and down to earth and "real". You'd think I would just find myself one of these guys that wants to stay in the closet...marry him and not care about the physical relationship....which, believe me I think I could go years without caring about physical relationship if surrounded by most straight men...but if I'm in the presence of someone I really care about and find interesting and sexy (apparently, only gay men lately) it would be very difficult to be near them without always wanting the physical relationship. Catch 22, I think.

 

I am even topping the last poster in how late I am coming to this thread, TEN years after their post. But I stumbled on this thread and found it hitting home so much.

The OP is a woman who finds herself often being attracted to a guy and later learning that he is gay, which is different from what a lot of people in this thread were talking about, being a woman who is attracted to gay men whom they know are gay. Throughout most of my life (until lately) I've been kind of like the OP but in reverse, a man who has often been attracted to women, and often flirting with them in almost a courtship like way for weeks, thinking that we could date, only for them to tell me, "You know that I'm gay, right?" My attraction has certainly not been exclusively to lesbians, but as mostly a very shy guy when it comes to dating women throughout my life, I seem to have more comfort and nerve with lesbians, to kind of pursue them without fear, unlike how I've been with straight women. The funny thing is that I have been nothing but rejected by girls and women all my life, both straight and gay, which is perhaps partially involved in my realization only a few years ago (I'm 62) that I've been a (mostly) gay boy and man all along. But that's a whole other long and deep issue.

But I have a similar question as the OP about my pursuit of women who turned out to be gay. I've thought about this a lot, and don't really have any firm conclusions. But I tend to think there's something subliminal at play perhaps. I'm one to believe that there are many layers to our mind, and the unconscious plays a huge role in our daily life, in particular because it's more powerful than the conscious mind. Does this deeper level of mind in me have a wisdom that sees the truth of their homosexuality and then finds comfort in their inevitable rejection of me not because of me personally, unlike with all straight women, but rather my sex (gender). So they're a "safe" pursuit. I don't think it's their "lesbian traits" that I'm attracted to (because often they don't show such things, in the same way that many of my gay male friends show none of the stereotypical "gay traits"), but rather their disinterest in all men, sexually speaking. I also wonder whether deep down I'm attracted to their homosexuality because they're a kindred spirit with my own sexuality, i.e. same sex preference.

Of course, it's all moot now, as I no longer have any interest in having sexual or romantic relationships with women ever again. I still find women attractive and even some desirable, including some of my lesbian friends. However, I'm only interested in sexual and romantic relationships with men now. But it's kind of uncanny how many lesbian friends I've ended up with.

 

Welcome to the site MaCoeur

 

Were you attracted to boy-like lesbians? Also lesbians, as you say, were easier to befriend as they may have seemed less threatening to you at some level.

 

Certainly in porn, I prefer more the lipstick, feminine lesbians. But I also enjoy some amateur lesbian porn with your more typical lesbians, perhaps one more boy or tomboy like, because it is real homosexuality, and I love homosexuality. But certainly with all women, straight and lesbian, I prefer the small ass, with no hips, because their bodies are more boylike perhaps, except for the breasts, which I do love. Maybe the lack of hips that I prefer is kind of anti-childbearing and therefore less attractive to straight men, and therefore less threatening to me, just like lesbians are less threatening, speaking to your statement. But overall of course it's men that I by far prefer. And I love both feminine and masculine man (just not CDs). But I can see myself having sex with a MtF preoperative transexual woman, though I still by far prefer men.