One of the hardest things about being gay...

One of the hardest things about being gay is not having enough confidence to come out to my homophobic mom. It hurts me a lot that cant come out to her like i want but i think she knows and just dont want to say nothing.

 

I've rarely crushed on a man, but I dearly loved David from the moment I met him. He literally radiated loving kindness, and I've never met anyone so at ease within his own Gay skin. When he died, there was no one in my tiny rural MAGA homophobic town to turn to with my secret grief. I couldn't have been more lonely if I were on the far side of the moon.

 

I'm so sorry to hear that and can identify with the struggle. Admittedly, I don't think it gets to me as much as it sounds like it distresses you. Most of all because my parents are raging liberals. Also, I'm genderqueer but don't do anything outwardly apparent that would indicate it and I still use the name and pronouns I've used since birth. So my nagging desire to tell my mother is for emotional/comfort reasons. There is no essentially practical reason they have to know jack shit about my queerness.

I just don't feel comfortable telling them because their emotional IQs are negative one thousand and they are so awkward in how much mental effort they put into trying to say what they have internally calculated as the right thing rather than innately having an expressible emotional response of their own (y'know, like a fucking parent.) It's so painful watching them try it has sent me into need-to-take-meds severity-level panic attacks. And that was just over my psych issues. I can only imagine the horror that would unfold trying to engage them about my gender.

All that said, I can only imagine the horror of being pulled one way by the practical AND emotional reasons you'd like to tell your mother and then yanked even harder in the other direction by how she would react, given the factors at play in your situation. I have no advice. But you have my complete and utter empathy and hopes that dilemma resolves in the best possible outcome for you. Because this is about you. And someone else's feelings -- let alone ideologies -- are more than welcome to stay the fuck out of what you need to be who you are. <3