What stops you from trying sex with another man?

Of course; being found out has been everyone's nightmare since I was aware of such a threat and peril. Us guys did stuff with each other understanding that if we got caught, there would be hell to pay and forever be branded as a faggot... but we kept having sex with each other anyway because, oddly, the threat of getting caught made having sex... exciting. Better. A weird sense of having done something you shouldn't have done and got away with it and on top of busting a nut into each other and at least twice.

As an adult, goodness, so many guys wanted the experience, wanted the sex, and scared shitless of someone finding out that they did the unthinkable and in more ways that one. I don't know how many guys who asked the question, "What if somebody finds out?" and me telling them, "The only way they're gonna find out is if you tell them... because I'm not going to - or shit happens that we get caught in the act and I am 99.9999% sure that we're not going to get caught in the act."

I understand the fear; I even felt it at one point before dismissing it as being real but irrational for me to be afraid of something that hasn't happened. I have spent part of my life as a bisexual male preparing only God knows how many men (and a few women) to accept that getting... intimate with a man is really just as normal as being intimate with a woman but the stigma, the boogeyman under the bed, fucks with everyone's head and uses the doom and gloom and fear to scare men straight... and when they don't want to be all that straight. I understand that our society is at fault; I understand that the horror stories you hear about guys being found out or caught in the act are real; I understand that men believe that just because somebody they know got outed or caught - or that any guy has been in this predicament - that it will happen to them and... it's sad that this is the way they're thinking because, duh, in order to wind up in this situation, um, you gotta have sex with a guy to be caught in the act and someone would have had to rat you out about sleeping with a guy.
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In my lifetime, I have heard a lot of reasons that stops a guy from trying sex with another man, some of them valid, some of them, eh, not so much. If you let your fears control you, I'm thinking that's not a good thing and if I can't convince you that the things you fear are things that can be lessened, mitigated, or even eliminated I... don't know what to tell you. I would have loved to give you a blowjob that we're both going to remember but at the end of any day, you have to do what you think is best for yourself.

A life lived in fear is a life not worth living...

 

Everyone’s situation is different for some people that word can have consequences with real violence it’s not just words for everyone it would be nice if it were. For some it can be the end of there family others the end of their career and for still others the end of their safety I wish it was just a words

 

So very true and so very sad to say. I've seen and/or have heard what happens to guys when they get outed and it's not even pretty - but no one is willing to understand why "Jim" felt that he had to do this and I've seen guys recognize the fear of this and make it their own and it's a very real thing... but if you're not doing anything, what are you really afraid of? The fucked-up part is you could get your head handed to you just for thinking about sex with a guy and, oops, mention it to the wrong person or I've heard of guys having that "let's not have any secrets between us" talk with their lady and they've admit that they thought about letting a guy blow them or, worse, they were into it before they met and married and... game over, man - game over. You've been found guilty of... telling the truth.

The word brings the fear and the too-real horror stories and it's a goddamned shame that it has to be like that.

 

It's weird, but I've never been scared to have sex with guys in the way that you're all talking about. My desires were just so strong that it drove me out to fulfil them. Sure, the first couple of times I had a mixture of a little fear and a lot of excitement, but after that it was only excitement with the hundreds of guys I had oral sex with, and 20 years later finally anal sex. But I had it a lot easier because I was always single, and stayed in the closet.

But until the intimacy of anal sex broke it, I think part of me was always ashamed while I was having oral sex with guys. I just couldn't fully accept my bisexuality I think. So I definitely had that issue. But it never stopped me from having sex with men, again because my gay desires and fantasies and enjoyment gay porn was so powerful: I just had to have real cock. When I finally put my cock deep inside another man's ass for the first time, I was overwhelmed with the connectedness feeling of that intimacy, and from then on I never felt any shame, but rather not only fully accepted my bisexuality, but loved the gay side of myself so much.

I'm only now, after more than 30 years of having sex with men, gradually been coming out of the closet by telling over the last 5 years different select friends (6 so far) about my sexuality, and they've all been very supportive and accepting. It's been relatively easy with these people, but I'm a lot more scared with old friends and relatives. I still doubt I will do it with them until I actually have a boyfriend, that it goes beyond just sex.

The most difficult, by far, was telling my second girlfriend near the beginning of our relationship 9 years ago, something I strongly felt I needed to do before we were going to have sex. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Giving her all the details, which she insisted to hear, was so embarrassing. But she accepted me with my history, though I wasn't too see other guys or even to look at gay porn any more. But she also broke up with me a lot of times, and during those breaks I indulged in a lot of gay porn and writing about my gay desires and experiences (I just never did that when we were together again). When my girlfriend found out about that, through unbelievable detective work on her part, she was really angry, even though she told me she was fucking other guys during our breaks. All that together with my eventual inability to cum while fucking her without imagining it was a guy that I was fucking led me to break up with her 3 years into our relationship, just before the pandemic hit.

I know now I'll never be able to have another long-term relationship with a woman, because I can't go without having sex with men, and because my personal morals (and Buddhist vows) prevent me from having sex with others while in a relationship, unfortunately even an open one (dammit!). It's just a personal thing with me. Besides, after my experience with that girlfriend, I seem to have lost any interest in having sex let alone romance with a woman ever again. I suppose that makes me homosexual, but I am quite happy and proud about that. Maybe it's because I finally feel like myself. If only I didn't choose to hide it from everyone I love out of fear.

 

In making this decision, the questions a guy should ask himself is, "How badly do I want to do this?" followed by "What am I willing to do to be able to do this?" and then, "What do I have to do to be able to do this?"

As it's been said, everyone's situation is different; everyone's beginning is uniquely theirs. I got some dick that first time and ran with it even though, like most of my horny peers, the fear of getting caught and badly beaten was real... and exciting and one of the unspoken rules was, "Don't get caught!" Homophobia was running rampant; gay men and women were diving into closets to hide from those who would do them harm; parents were throwing their children out on the streets or turning to that bogus religious bullshit of trying to cure them of their homosexuality and sometimes even when the child in question wasn't a homosexual. The bi-and-married horror stories abounded as did the horror stories of being bullied and beaten in school by kids who were taught to be homophobic by their homophobic parents.

VD, as we used to call STDs, had spurts or periods where no word of someone having (or giving) VD was out there then the word would spread through the city like proverbial wildfire that VD was "making the rounds" but, for the most part, not a lot of people were really worried about it but, then again, there wasn't antibiotic resistant stuff out there. Married guys had the added pressure of making sure they didn't fuck up, catch a dose of the clap, and give it to their wife and while the social stigma against homosexuals was alive and well, bisexuals avoided it for the most part but was still considered to be a joke because who the fuck would even want to go both ways?

The problem bisexuals had, both then and now, was - is - some folks don't know the difference; to them, bisexual was the same as homosexual or it was just a stopping point on the road to homosexuality. Guys going on the DL was a thing before it got to be a "thing;" the double standard that allowed women to go to bed with other women while vilifying men for getting some dick was even worse in the past than it is today but it remained true that if you were a guy and wanted to get your freak on with another guy, you had to go on the DL to do it and then hope that no one figured out that this was what you were doing.

Then HIV. It made COVID-19 look like the common cold. Didn't stop men from having sex with each other so much but gay men took the brunt of the social stigma behind getting infected until a straight, drug-free, and monogamous couple got infected with it thanks to a tainted blood transfusion. Condom sales were going through the roof, and people were dying from cancers never seen before. I'm saying all of this because I've seen how some of the things that stops a guy from trying it had (1) been around since I was a kid and (2) had escalated big time and it was clear that guys looking to get that dick fix had good reason to stay on the bench and out of the pool.

Even though some of the things they were afraid of, well, if you gave it some serious thought, something that was fearful could be less than that - and provided you could do something about that fix because trying to get it with the way relationships were going weren't exactly the fault but it's a bitch to have been heterosexual right up to getting married and... now, getting some dick made sense but how to do this without being discovered, getting infected with something, so on and so forth? The answer - and it's not much of one - is that if a guy really wants to do this, he's going to find a way to do it; otherwise, he just won't be able to and not just because of his relationship situation but due to the stigma that appeared against bisexual men, you know, once it was "determined" that bisexuality was real.

You're either going to be fearful or you aren't; you're either going to be bold and daring or that's out of the question. I've told maybe hundreds of guys, "Think first, then act if you must... or if you can." Most guys get themselves in trouble getting some cock because they don't think things through to the nth degree or they take a chance when their gut is screaming at them not to and, well, no one is perfect and we're only human and all that. So, while you can find out what stops other guys, what's stopping you?

The last question a guy should ask himself when considering doing this is, "Is it worth it?"

 

KDaddy, you forgot one question - and maybe I'm not wording it right?:
What are the costs of NOT doing it, to my physical, mental health if I don't give in? For those of us allowing ourselves to be trapped in a sexless marriage? Inaction has its consequences, too, especially for sex, by missing out on the positive benefits, and escaping the negative benefits of a life lacking sex?!

You aren't going to die directly from not having sex, but it isn't that great of a life.

Nobody is going to applaud & give you an award on your death bed for being celibate for your wife and her messed up head/hormones.

 

If hiv never existed, I know I would've tried more and varied types of sex, and group sex,both bi, hetero and gay? Now you can take a generic pill and avoid it, soon shots will be affordable. Yet that mindset of fear still exists for those of us who grew up during when it was a death sentence. Or being ostracized once pills could keep you from dying if you had it.
There's still stigma, even from my long time doctor in getting PrEP and DoxyPEP. He is dragging his heels because of the extra work it requires of testing every 3 months! To heck with him! I'd rather get those pills and be free of worry from a disease that kills you if untreated. Plus taking 1 pill a day voluntarily, keeps me from being forced to take several more expensive pills daily for life, to stay alive!

You can get the MPox vaccine at Walgreens and they won't ask you sexual questions when you sign up online. CVS has it as well. And it should be free.

But hurry up, as a supreme court case will try to block anything for bi and gay sexual health from being covered by law by insurance, for the butt hurt religious bigot business owners.
And a lunatic in charge of HHS will try to get rid of this.

 

To do my best to answer your question - and, yes, it is one to be considered - I've known guys to be emotionally affected because they can't do it. I've seen husbands foster a great deal of resentment towards their wife because (a) she is against anything that looks like homosexuality and (b) ain't trying to allow infidelity of any kind to mess up their marriage and if it fucks hubby's head up, well, that's just too bad.

You're not going to die if you don't have the sex with a man you want to have... but it can mess your head up. I've seen really decent guy, turn into that guy because he needs sex with men and cannot get it or he "does it to himself" by rightfully not cheating on his wife (and like he knows other guys do even if by word of mouth). What's it going to cost you if you don't? If you say, "It ain't gonna cost me anything!" my next question would be, "Well, can you give me the next winning Powerball and Mega Millions winning tickets?" because you can obviously see into the future.

The negative psychological impact is real and it can get pretty fucking ugly and can get worse because if you needed to talk to a professional to find out how you can cope with this, um, you have to (a) admit that there's something very wrong with you and (b) and I beg forgiveness when I say don't be a pussy and go see that professional but, we're men, and it's our lot in life to take major shit like this and internalize it until it starts to eat us alive from in the inside out - and then, do it slowly like the Chinese water torture.

I've seen the inability to get some dick ruin marriages/relationships. I've heard wives and girlfriends say that they do understand what's going on with him but the sanctity of the relationship trumps everything including his mental and physical health. You love her but her love for you has now become questionable and I've seen and, yeah, helped guys take the plunge because they decided to cheat to do this and out of a sense of self-preservation and while a lot of guys are mentally strong and emotionally stable enough to not let a lack of cock bother them, a lot of guys... aren't.

Doesn't mean they're not less of a man but if you know how fucking powerful that urge to get some dick can be, then maybe you can understand how it can, again fuck a guy's mind up and, as such, your question is not only valid but you worded it correctly. You could roll this into "What's it worth to you do to this?" and given that this aspect can manifest itself, which thing makes more sense: Keep the faith and suffer with the ills of suppressing shit or figure out how you can scratch this itch without the shit hitting the fan?

If a guy finds himself between this rock and hard place, I will try to talk him out of doing it because the potential loss could be perilous but at the end of any day, he's a grown man and responsible for making the best possible decisions for himself. I've had guys say, "If I don't do this, I'm gonna lose my fucking mind!" and they really mean it. And if they don't take the plunge with me, they go plunging with some other guy because, yeah, if they don't, insanity will ensue for them.

"Are you really prepared to deal with the consequences of your actions... or lack of actions?" I've asked guys and some. say they are, some aren't sure of what I'm asking them and some guys have said, "Fuck the consequences!" and they've chosen to plunge and whether they come to regret it after the fact or not. I've felt... powerless to have guys ask, "What should I do?" and... I don't have an answer for them and he's now deeper in that "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation that has now become worse than being bisexual and married.

And you can't get the cock you want. The medical stuff isn't going to matter if you decide that getting some cock isn't worth the hassle; the social stigma bullshit isn't going to matter if you remain fully heterosexual and all you have now is porn and fantasies. And you're right - no one is going to applaud you.