Would you enjoy this style of language?

Well, there's differences. If you're not running with the virgin sacrifice thing you can do what you like, but that is a very common cross-cultural aspect of the ritual.

Final Fantasy X is a video game. It's a bit similar to what you're doing, to be honest, except the heroin is a complete wet blanket. But in that, the sacrifice survives. Whereas in The Rite Of Spring, the virgin is very much killed. Either of these could help you out, if you want to research the emotions that people in these situations might experience. But I wouldn't worry about it too much.

Good luck, anyway.

 

oh..well. thats what i had in mind. hhhmmmm nevermind. mines not a musical..mines an egyptian alice in wonderland with a chase and time travel. and yeah..well it's my utter fantasy so i'll have to do it anyway. i don't mind sharing!

 

hehe, sounds like a movie pitch

 

lol. only for a multi million score!

 

If you need someone to play the Mad Hatter, I'm your man!

 

Anubis and the Carpenter, etc.

 

okay. yyou're on..wait a few years till rehearsals. and I'll gice you a call.

 

'Having to laugh at what curious effect she had on guard one, his electrocuted approach suited the grand charisma of the most powerful palace in the world. Amusement wracked her warm blood, letting him speak to her in those assuredly confused tones while her filling head drunk under the arch of supple legs, nodded invlountairily in an agreeing style.'
Edit it:
Having to laugh at what curious effect she had on guard one, she was bemused: his controlled approach suited the grandeur of the most powerful palace in the world. She almost smirked, letting him speak to her in those assuredly confused tones while her head wobbled upon its arch of supple legs, and played at humouring him.

You're on a grand project and you need to be tough. You love to write in long, exasperatingly drawn out sequences. Be willing to chop and clarify. You can do it!

 

I don't like that. did you read any further than that?

 

im glad your name is kidder....coz it rocks and you've got to be kidding if you put that comment up seriously.


Great work...kidder is wrong.
Roly.xxx

 

Yup, it's a serious comment. You'll do him no good to encourage him in a style that has no chance of broad acceptance. He's obviously capable of putting some rein on excess. Push him to do it. Given the mode of writing you seem to be supporting, your name seems fitting too

 

hmmm.....kidder...you're chances of being a successful critic are slim to none...saying as YOU ARE COMPLETELY WRONG...you kno as you say i'll only do people no good encouraging them with ideas not capable of broad acceptance....ta for the advice...much appreaciated.

Roly.xxx

 

Roly, you're out to lunch and from the looks of it you'll not be back for awhile. What this guy needs to do is get serious about focus and impact. I like the story line and I like the historical feel the piece is developing but the writing is too ornate, too longwinded, too rambling and too incohesive to do the dirty. He's only got so many pages to bond with the reader. He ain't.

 

thanks roly!! i agree about the broad audience comment..i definetly knew when i started this is was for a v. small preference..
I really wanted some harsh critique....an honist opinion . so i'm glad kidders that way. i didn't expect something that...harsh...hey! but if it's his truth i've got to respect that.
I was angry when he just posted a brief slating comment...but his last post shows he's human with it...just!

 

Maybe kidder was a bit rash with his first comment, but I honestly think that his later advice was sincere and helpful. It doesn't mean that Keramptha should copy it word for word. It just gives an example of how he can dress it down a bit to reach a wider audience. I don't think there's many writers in the world today that publish their work from their first draft. I wrote 14 drafts before publishing my pride and joy. Keramptha definately has a great book in the making and he's very brave for showing it to open criticism. He's also very bright in weighing up the opinions of the readers to make it more appealing. Roly is noble for defending a fellow artist, but to all reason Kidder's comments were not deliberately harsh. After all, we've seen some real savage comments from users of this forum that have made my hair stand on end, which were infinately more unexcusable. Peace to all. Good luck Keramptha. Want to read more!

 

fourteen?!!! yikes....but hell..if its a matter of pride and joy then, MORE POWER!

 

I'd definitely agree over drafting. I've said all along that it's better to write something down as you think it and edit later than get stuck looking for the perfect phrase. Write what feels right at the time, and you can always go back to it later. Also, keep copies of every draft, the last thing you want is to go on an editting frenzy one evening and then the next day find you've messed up something you really like.

If you get your ideas down, worst case scenario is you re-read it and it's no good. These things happen, even to professional writers. Kurt Vonnegut has been writing for about 50 years now, but I remember reading about one of his more recent books ("Timequake"), where he'd written reams of stuff on it and ended up chucking out everything but the barest bones of the story. It makes for a very interesting read, because there's obviously so much development there but you only see the cream of the crop, the best 10% or so of what was originally there. I'm all for editing if it means I don't have to read as much.

*quietly smug because his last submission was pretty much a first draft*

 

lol. so you mean like talking a load of rubbish and only a small part of it is real creativity... theres alot of 'shoulds, and oughts' in my writing at the moment. i am young...!

 

It's better to take a massive shit and pick out the diamonds than hold it in and try and worry them out of your asshole with your fingers. You'll keep seizing up. Even if you use a bit of lubrication, you'll still have trouble, and it's just not as satisfying as having a massive dump.

Metaphorically, of course.

 

i love it, it's just streams of consciousness. I really would enjoy that