When did your "desires" begin to shift more towards males?

Then, too, there is that certain "lighting the fuse" moment where, paranoia, (and whatever other reservations a fellow might have) simply evaporates and said fellow then goes forward, and activates his "launch sequence", ready for whatever M2M pleasures awaits him...........

 

Pardon me for once again reiterating the same story, that I shared in many threads. I just have a little bit more commentary to the story now.

Even though the only sex I ever had as a child was with a guy, my best friend from across the street from 8-13, I was only desiring girls, and never even considered my sexual behaviour made me bisexual (I didn't even have that word in my vocabulary). But girls and then women just kept rejecting me, countless times, until finally when I was 27 a woman did not, and we had sex and became boyfriend-girlfriend for 3 years. It was when she broke up with me for the third time at the end of that period, a particularly devastating breakup for me, because I thought we were headed for marriage, that I had gay sexual desire again. And that happened when I was safely thousands of miles away from my home on a road trip for five months to try to work through my grief and depression, and 3.5 months into it, when massive gay desire just exploded into my consciousness all of a sudden while driving.

It was like a switch turned on for me. No thought about guys since my childhood friend, and then sexual desire for men that was off the scale, without any preamble thought; it was like a gay demon had entered my body. And the funny thing was that it didn't freak me out at all. It just felt so good, pleasure beyond my dreams. I've had countless fantasies and sexual desires for girls and women up until then, but those were nothing in comparison to the desires and lust for guys that I was feeling, and just continued feeling, and never stopped feeling for the next 33 years to present day.

That night I had the greatest masturbation session and orgasm of my life, stroking and edging for hours, in a motel room, to gay porn magazines that I bought. And I didn't have an inkling of any kind of guilt or shame, not in my own mind and feeling this all privately. And a few days later in a gay striptease theatre in the Castro District of San Francisco, when the most beautiful gay Adonis jiggled his perfect cock an inch in front of my face, I was overwhelmed with an unbelievable desire for this man, and his cock, and loved everything about this moment, and again felt no guilt or shame whatsoever. Sure, it felt keenly surreal, but it also felt good, and more powerful than I ever felt for my girlfriend's nakedness. I was just on a gay high like you can't believe.

Heck, those first 24-48 hours in Washington state, consumed with gay desire and fantasies, drove me to decide then and there that I just needed to get the real stuff, a real man, a real cock and ass, and I started driving to San Francisco over 800 miles (1300 km) away, the entire way masturbating to open gay porn magazines on the passenger seat. As @KDaddy23 wrote, "I lost my fucking mind", the moment those gay desires popped into my head on that highway, the moment that real man's real cock was in front of my face in that theatre, the moment I sucked my first adult cock, the moment my cock penetrated another man's ass, the moment I was free of any interest in women ever again in January 2020. There's just something about man-to-man play that just makes you lose your fucking mind.

Over the following decades, I kept trying with women, but they just continued to reject me, over and over again (I only had sex with one female prostitute once in that period). But I had anonymous oral sex with hundreds of guys, and finally fucked my first man as a top 21 years after San Francisco, the greatest sexual experience of my life. Introducing anal into my sexual activities with men was the catalyst that I needed all along to make me fully accept my bisexuality, and understand that I was by far more interested in guys. @KDaddy23 perfectly captured it: "It's like all of a sudden, everything makes sense. It all becomes clear or clearer. It can be life changing. If you've never experienced it, it's hard to understand what it can really be like." That was 100% my experience having sexual intercourse with that guy. I can't tell you how much I've loved, and was indeed proud of, the gay side of my bisexuality.

Sure, in hindsight I can see there was a lot of cognitive dissonance during those first 21 years, due to internalized homophobia, that probably a lot of bi & gay guys have experienced. How I wish that was never the case, from high school onwards. It causes so much pain, and wastes so much time, when instead a guy could be having tons and tons of sex with other guys from the get-go (if only my gay anal activities continued after "breaking up" with my childhood friend, throughout high school and into adulthood!). There was a second girlfriend (and third woman to have sex with) in there, this time with her breaking up with me many times in our 3 year relationship. It was finally getting out of that relationship that made me realize that I was actually mostly gay: I had zero interest in ever having sex, let alone romance, with another woman ever again (and feel the same to this day). I didn't just realize I was mostly gay then, but that I've always been gay, but unable to conceptualize it, let alone accept it. I mean, 3 women and hundreds of men is kind of showing the writing on the wall.

After that escape (from girlfriend #2), I was finally open to living my truth as a gay man, but just within the gay community, and I even started having romantic crushes on other guys, and feeling desire for guys in every day life with their clothes on. Before that I was never attracted to guys in everyday life, like on the street or at work or at the gym (except the locker room of course, where there were naked men) or anywhere, with their clothes on, and certainly never had a crush on a male friend or a coworker (now I understand my powerful internalized homophobia wouldn't allow that). But after that I began having the same kind of feelings I've always just had for women, but this time for men. It's not fully there yet, because I have so much familiarity with associating sexual and romantic desire with women, and so little familiarity, let alone good role models throughout my life, of feeling that for men.

But as I progress in my exploration of homosexuality, I'm sure that will change, and I will welcome it. Though I've only started coming out to some close friends since Covid, as my homosexuality/bisexuality has only manifested in sex and sexual desires and fantasies, and I kind of feel that my bedroom (and bathhouse or whatever) activities are no one's business, if I should ever get a boyfriend, I will feel responsible to him and to everyone to come out of the closet to everyone. I do recognize that while in the closet to most people, I am guarded against things I say or little ways that I act (like allowing my pinky finger to do whatever it wants to when drinking from a glass), so there is some active secrecy/lying that goes beyond just not sharing whom I have sex with or whom I have desires for. Especially as a single man, ultimately it would be better if I was no longer "needing" to do that.

 

RisingBi:

Thank you for sharing here a life's journey that has been anything but smooth, a journey with many twists and turns; for so many of us bi/gay men, life's road is, all too often, anything BUT a smooth, well-paved, well-illuminated highway.

All we can do is to exercise common sense and discretion, KNOW what we DESIRE, and make NO APOLOGIES to ANYONE for what we DOES turn us on.

May smooth sailing be yours, my friend...............

 

I once read that Buddha said:

".....roads are not for destinations; they are for journeys....."

it indeed does makes a great deal of sense, when one stops to think about it............

 

Lately my road has been a well paved flat jogging path that's very, very long.

 

soulpoker:

Sure hope you're wearing a good pair of track shoes for your journey!

 

At least I'm comfortable lol.

 

I would dare to say that guys who woke up today (01/13/26) with visions of hard cocks dancing in their head would, at first, write it off as a fluke and not see it as an "invitation" to seek a real-life encounter. Fantasy is fine; it's okay to be sitting at home, bored silly, crank up some porn and imagine that it's you sucking that big, hard cock instead of the blonde bimbo doing it (and if you pay close attention, you can tell that she really doesn't want to blow the actor she's with). It's all just imagination, that "Wouldn't it be funny if..." kind of things until the guy in question begins to realize that his fantasy might not be a figment of his imagination and, fuck, action must be taken... and provided he can figure out how to make it happen.

True enough, there are guys who say that they've never thought of doing such a thing and I've told them, "Um, if you've thought about not ever doing it, you did think about it..." and as an attempt to disabuse the belief that thinking is doing when that's not really the truth or just because I thought about sucking that guy's cock doesn't mean that I'm actually going to do it... because I'm not gay and I like women and pussy. These men understand that being heterosexual is the way they must be and at any and all costs. To even entertain the thought is anathema to them and... that's okay. Nothing wrong with not wanting to take a walk on the wild side.

The "problem" for a lot of men comes when they are... inspired to take that walk into what is really the unknown to them because fantasy is one thing; watching men having sex in porn is another thing; there's a hard cock in your face waiting for you to take it in your mouth and suck on it and the shit is now very fucking real and some guys chicken out (but that's okay, too) and some guys say "Fuck it..." and suck the dick and swallow the cum and... that wasn't as bad as I heard, thought, or was told. Is it all that complex?

No, not really; the word you're looking for is "complicated" and, yes, it is complicated and since most guys tend to overthink this, it can become exponentially complicated to the point where it seems to be impossible to actually try to do anything about the thoughts, feelings, and even dreams that can have a guy masturbating at zero dark thirty and hiding out in the bathroom to do it because he can't get those visions of cocks out of his head until he jacks off - and then feels guilty about the, ah, jerk off material in his head. Adding to the complications is having to unlearn everything they thought they knew about sex so they can... learn the rest of it as well to learn the real truth of sex that our prudish social norms would prefer men and women not know about, let alone indulge themselves in.

In life, we all wind up having to answer to someone but then there's a point where answering to someone violates that which makes us who we are. A wife can tell a husband to not even think about that gay shit or else and since she likely has power over him, he won't do anything about it but she can't stop him from thinking about it and, ultimately, we are responsible for taking care of number one first and foremost and handing that off to someone else... doesn't make sense but we do it anyway until we find that we don't really have to, not when our sexual satisfaction is at hand or, gulp, at risk. Likewise, when we worry about what other people will think or say about us if we were to, um, gain carnal knowledge of another man, we're giving them power over us and in something that isn't any of their fucking business.

At the end of any day, one must do what one has to do.

 

Good point!

 

KD23:

You know as well as I do that the more you try to push a certain image (or images) out of your mind (sexual or otherwise) the more said images keep on invading your thoughts, try as you might to focus on other thoughts.

In so many shapes and forms, it happens to ALL of us.................

 

I know it all too well! Not too many things worse than having visions of cock in your head and not only can I not ignore those visions, I'm trying to do whatever I've been doing while trying to figure out how and when I can satisfy my urge to suck cock. It can be worse for guys who are still trying to figure out why they have such great focus on a guy's dick.

And that focus just does not, will not, and cannot go away and leave him the fuck alone.

 

KD23:

To add a little levity to this discussion (from what I've read here and elsewhere) many fornerly "green" guys, upon sucking their first throbbing, pulsating, rock-hard,sperm-spitting shaft (or plowing thier formerly virgin butts with little restraint, and sending their humming prostates into overdrive!) find that a VERY strong "a-DICK-shun" has been awoken deep within themselves, and they KNOW they HAVE to get MORE, and satisfy that POWERFUL craving for M2M action.....that urge will simply NOT....and CANNOT......go away, once that "inner cockhound" has been awakened..........

"NYP"

 

A lot of guys have found that once they suck cock, they just have to do it again... even when they've told themselves that once was enough. I do not personally know a guy who didn't go cock crazy and go on a major cock sucking spree - and that includes myself and in this, I had thought that it was just me but many of my peers had gone through this or were going through it. Guys I would introduce to cocksucking would come back and tell me how "angry" they were with me because they sucked my dick and now, they can't stop trying to find dicks to suck and can't get it out of their head.

They'd ask me how I dealt with it and I'd ask them, "Who says I did?" and before I'd unzip them. I have to admit that I don't know that many guys who went crazy having their prostate beaten up for the first time; after their first time, eh, they either liked it or they didn't and 'if they didn't like it, they'd prefer to suck cock. What I do know is that I haven't quite figured out what makes a guy go "insane" to suck every dick he can lay his eyes on; the craving to do it again is amazing and pervasive; it won't let you rest until you do it again and pussy won't make the craving go away.

The "fucked up" part is that once you take care of the craving, it starts all over again...

 

"......once you take care of the craving, it starts all over again......."

I am now being reminded of that old, old saying, " a vicious circle"; in this instance, you cannot get "out of the loop", so to speak, once you get caught up in that cock frenzy, and then keep on wondering WHERE and WHEN you'll find your next dick, and how you'll satisfy your craving until the next willing (and horny!) guy comes along...........

 

It's pretty insane. Logically and intelligently, you know that you should chill with this, but the craving isn't just mental - it's physical and if you haven't sucked cock in a few days, it can feel like withdrawal from a "powerful drug" and as one guy described it just before he asked to blow me. Or you're sitting with a guy who you're pretty sure wouldn't want you sucking him off... and you want to blow him so badly it makes you edgy and you're right on the verge of asking him if you can give him a blowjob. If you're married/in a relationship and the craving hits you hard and your lady looks at you and asks, "What's wrong with you?" and you say, "Oh, nothing, honey - thinking about work..." or some other little white lie that won't make her suspicious of the real reason why you look like you're about to jump out of your skin.

I know that back in the younger days, this insanely intense craving got a lot of guys in various kinds of trouble and like it has a powerful effect on one's judgement; I know I took some risks to suck dick that, today, I wonder what the fuck I was thinking about but accepting the reality of knowing what I was thinking about and what I was willing to do - and what I did do - to satisfy the craving. It does... get better. Or you do manage to get a grip on it, to hold it in check so that you don't do something embarrassingly stupid, but it never goes away.

I feel it inside me right this moment. I know that I shouldn't give into the impulse to go find one of the men in my development who I've sucked before and go on a cocksucking spree but, yeah, it makes me edgy at times, and I am sorely tempted to disregard what my oncologist told me about my immune system. Oh, I want to. I need to work a cock over with my mouth until he spills his seed so I can swallow it. I learned to pacify the craving by eating pussy but even as good as that can be, when I needed to suck cock, that would be the only thing to make the craving temporarily happy.

 

KD23:

EXCELLENT response.....QUITE insightful, indeed!

Just be sure that to stay in GOOD HEALTH, my friend, so that you can "keep on suckin' " and continue to satisfy your steadfast "a-DICK-shun"!

As you correctly stated, that craving for cock CAN indeed get MORE than a bit complicated, if you are married, and the wife doesn't have any inkling that you are on the continual prowl for cock.........yeah, that's when things CAN get MORE than a bit "interesting".............

 

It could. History has proven that it can. And not just with a spouse or partner. Do not think for one second that single guys who have gone cock crazy wouldn't have things get... more than a bit interesting.

 

KD23:

I think many here would certainly agree with you on this.

Just now recalling, sometime way back in the 80s, there was an article in one of the M2M magazines, "A Taste Testers Guide To Cum".

I remember it going into (in detail) how the cum from men of different ethnic backgrounds tastes (sharp, metallic, spicy, tangy, etc.)

ONE thing is indeed for certain, though; the dude who wrote this feature 40-odd years ago obviously was quite a "cum-a-sewer", himself!

You, being a true, dedicated "pro" in regards to this topic, I think, need not be further informed........

 

I first started thinking about other men in college, and fantasies about getting fucked were a constant in my masturbating. Later I confessed this desire to a girlfriend, and she confessed her own desire to be with another woman. Unfortunately this was pre-internet so we never got to act on it; we just didn't know how to make it happen for both of us discreetly in this small town. We had really hot sex talking about it though!

I didn't act on my desires until my separation 4 years ago. Hookup and dating services make it pretty easy. I've sucked quite a few cocks, and been spitroasted several times. My latest fantasy is to be with a man for whom it's the first time. I want his touching me to be the first time he's done it, then to feel him enter me for his first time...

 

bisexualmg:

Sure hope your fantasy becomes a REALITY, one of these days!