My book report on The Grapes of Wrath

Alright, the day we were assigned to read The Grapes of Wrath, I was sick. So the teacher gave my friend permission to sign out a book for me, and give it to me on his way home from school. Well, turns out he lost it. And the teacher wouldn't give me another one. So, she was punishing me for his stupidity. The fucking bitch. I warned her that, seeing as she won't give me the book, I'm just going to make something up on the book summary. She didn't believe me. This is what I turned in.


The year was 2192, and Atlanta’s Bureau of Bureaucracy wanted to commemorate the 500th anniversary of Christopher Columbus’s famous flight around the world. After much debate and deliberation, it was decided they should do what is only appropriate: create a hybrid animal to rule the world and be totally awesome.

For this task, they hired Dr. Francis Waffleschneizer, Jr., M.D., PhD of Stankonia, an eastern European country that was created when Luxembourg defeated Ukraine in the World Cup of Football and Biological Warfare. But because of the biological warfare, everyone was turned into platygiraffes. However, Dr. Waffleschneizer, who will now be referred to as Dr. Pancakestein, was born purely human. Inspired by the hybrids that surrounded him, he became an expert in gene splicing.
And so, he was hired to create something to capture the American spirit. He spent 36 minutes and 14 seconds in his office, and then came out with the greatest invention known to man-kind: THE GRAPE.

At first, no one knew what was so special about a grape. But those people were soon reminded why they had been beaten as children for their stupidity when it was pointed out that, first of all, it was called THE GRAPE, and second of all, it had a mean looking face. Then, those people were locked in the learning boxes and pushed down the stairs.

THE GRAPE went through hard times. As you can see in the picture*, his teeth bleed quite a bit. It was joked by many that, with those teeth, he embodied British spirit much more than American spirit. For a while, these people were fed to THE GRAPE for a “closer look” of the teeth, but all that fat was clogging THE GRAPE’s arteries. And so, at 35-years-old, THE GRAPE was over-weight and depressed. He saw himself as having two options: Go back to school and earn his degree, or kill himself along with many others. There is, naturally, one logical choice.

To show that he really did embody the American spirit, THE GRAPE beefed up, bought a few guns, and went to kick ass in Southeastern Asia.

His helicopter landed in Cambodia (brought to you by Lincoln Financial), and he instantly took a bus to North Korea. He squatted to take a giant, steaming dump on Kim Jong-Il’s statue when 37 ninjas came out of the ground, and attacked THE GRAPE. So THE GRAPE whipped out his giant knife, and said, “You black belts are about to be black and blue.” In an epic battle, THE GRAPE kicked and Judo chopped his way through 36 of the ninjas, and came to face the boss ninja. Just as they were about to fight, the ninja took off his mask to reveal that he was a she! Suddenly, THE GRAPE had a feeling in his loins, and before she knew it, she had his feeling in her mouth. However, just as he was about to climax, she was shot in the back by a sniper.

It was here that the book told a back-story. THE GRAPE was 12, and was masturbating for the first time. He was about to finish when Dr. Pancakestein, now to be referred to as Dr. Gritsman, walked in on him. The doctor didn’t see anything, but THE GRAPE never got to finish. It was his first sexual experience, and he had blue balls. From that day on, his least favorite thing was blue balls. And raisins.

And so, when this sniper took his only love, THE GRAPE swore revenge. But first, he had to find him. Because he didn’t know where to look, THE GRAPE swam to Indonesia and walked into a bar. He walked in, and noticed that it was empty. This was odd, because Indonesia was owned by Jim Beam’s. He turned around, about to leave, when he heard a familiar voice. “FLAVA FLAAV! YYEEAAAAAAAH, BOOIII!!!” cried The Voice. THE GRAPE turned around, and looked. He saw no one. He knew the voice, but he couldn’t place who it might be. That’s when it said to him, “911 is a joke in your town, booiiii!!!!!” He had no idea who it could be, so he opened fire on the room. He shot every inch of the walls, and waited for a minute as his gun barrels smoked. Then he heard, “FIGHT THE POWER! YEAH! FLAVA FLAAAAVVV!!” Then, a figure emerged from the shadows. THE GRAPE was in disbelief! It was his mortal enemy, THE RASPBERRY.
It was here that the book back-tracked again. You see, before he invented THE GRAPE, Dr. Gritsman, now to be known as Dr. Specialksmith, created THE RASPBERRY. However, this was soon known as one of science’s mistakes when it devoured his first hybrid, THE SNOZZBERRY.

The story now returns to Jim Beam’s Indonesia, and there is a long dialogue in which THE RASPBERRY told his boring life story, and then THE GRAPE shot him in the kneecaps and set the bar on fire.

As THE GRAPE was walking the streets of Jim Beam’s Indonesia slaughtering boy-whores, he remembered his quest to find his love-ninja’s killer. So he hitchhiked to Vietnam, a country torn in two by the world’s largest pizza cutter, and stopped by the Asian retreat of Dr. Specialksmith, whom I will now call Dr. Friedeggson. As he walked through the door, he noticed a sniper rifle on the couch. Then, he saw a ticket to North Korea on the floor. And finally, he walked into a room to find the doctor naked, watching a grainy video of THE GRAPE getting blown by the love-ninja.

THE GRAPE dropped to his knees as he realized what happened. He went over it in his mind, and added it all up. Yes, it all made sense. That time the doctor walked in on him jerking off when he was 12, the doctor must have sworn to never let THE GRAPE find love. But why? Why?

By now, Dr. Friedeggson, who told me he has changed his name to Dr. Breakfastburritojones, had noticed THE GRAPE, and placed his gun against THE GRAPE’s temple. He also held a revolver to his forehead. It is here that THE GRAPE realized his choices. He can either be a little bitch and beg for his life, or take out the doctor with his Uzi.

So THE GRAPE whipped around and shot the doctor in the chest, like, 60 times. Lying on the ground, the doctor faded, and it is revealed that he was a hologram. He soon turns into the love-ninja, and THE GRAPE screamed, “NOOOOOO!!! I KILLED MY TRUE LOVE!!!” And the love-ninja, with her dying breath, said, “Yes, but don’t you know what really happened?” And then THE GRAPE realized it: It wasn’t the love-ninja blowing him! It was the doctor! He was in cyber-disguise as the love-ninja! After THE GRAPE vomits, he asked the love-ninja why. And she told him, with her dying breath, “HAPPY APRIL FOOL’S DAY! OH, SNAP! WE GOT YOU!”

Then THE GRAPE, who was pissed off about this trick, killed them all and himself. The end.




*I included two pictures, one of THE GRAPE, and another I threw in for effect and humor.

Image 1: THE GRAPE:

Image 2: THE GRAMBO:

 

haHAHAH! i dont beleive you turned that in!

eliot rocks my panties.

 

What are you, fucking afraid of words? Read it, you dumb fucking hippies. It's hilarious.

 

hahahh i have to do a research paper on Grapes of Wrath as well! i'm writing it on Steinbecks use of Transcendentalism.

 

Steinbeck rocks Grapes is good, although admittedly I hated it with a burning passion the first time I read it. I really, really liked East of Eden, that was awesome!

 

I've read the ending of Grapes of Wrath. I seriously nearly puked.

 

oh geesh!! that is funny as hell. I would have loved to have seen the look on your teachers face when she was reading that one. I wonder what grade you will/or got?

 

Eliot that was disturbingly funny. Good job! A+

 

I got an F. What else?

 

Putting entertainment over grades... I like that. Thats funny.

 

If I had been that teacher, I would have given you at least a "D" for effort and creativity.