a spiral into insanity, or something else?

I suppose I'm choosing to write this up for the sake of having a bit of a sounding board and perhaps for some advice. I've always been peculiar but as of late things have gotten a bit worse, and I'm trying to determine wether my problem is insanity or perhaps something unexplainable... I'll offer you my story and maybe I'll get some insight on it. Maybe not.

I'm twenty three years old as of this february... physically I find myself to be appealing, slender, blue eyes, brown hair, about five foot nine. I consider myself to be very attractive, intelligent, and sociable. I have never had issues with depression or taken any sort of drugs for a psychological disorder of any kind, and I am quite pleased with my life at the present. I can think of no real major stress that could be causing what I am experiencing right now, or anything that would create a psychological deficiency based on my current environment.

Growing up was somewhat difficult however. I am the middle son of three children, with one older sister and one younger brother. Our father, a pulitzer nominated author, drank himself into a spiral of addiction and destruction as early as I can remember, and left our mother to support the family alone when he moved across the country when I was nine years old. My sister and I both experienced some very strange traits as long ago as I am able to recall. She was always strangely insightful, and knows things which often times, she has no way of knowing... she finishes sentances for people on a regular basis, and as she grew older she found she had a particularly strong knack for reading cards.. I've personally had her explain a good many things to me in very precise detail which she would have no way of knowing. Her and my brother are also diabetic, and my brother additionally suffers from epilepsy. My siblings both, are overweight, whereas I have no adverse health conditions, have never been ill, and never gain any weight, which I find to be a little peculiar.

While my sister has always had that quality to her, I have always been bothered by minor hallucinations... and certain places... I'll see faces at times, or be bothered by places where particularly bad things have happened before, occasionally just happen to know something I shouldn't, or demonstrate some unusually heightened empathy - know something is terribly wrong with someone who seems outwardly fine.

Nothing terribly special I thought, though recently things have taken a rather dramatic change... I never took any drugs until this year, and I began to experiment with hallucinogenic substances. Nothing regular or particularly powerful. The trouble with this is that now I'm experiencing hallucinations without the drugs.... nothing random either, it's always the same hallucination.

Ever since I was twelve years old, perhaps younger, I've had a particular... character, if you will. One which I've written about. This character was, in my mind, me, except as the story goes, the character is possessed, always has been since birth. The result of a spirit that didn't quite pass through reincarnation propperly, but rather, tried to claim a body with a soul already in it, and failed, lying dormant for many years. The spirit manifests itself as a humanoid form, blue, boyish, almost impish in attitude, a bit of a rouge in personality, with a number of gargoyle-ish features.. tail, elongated ears, claws.

I've started having perfectly lucid visions of this spirit now... full blown visual and auditory hallucinations, without any psychoactive substances... I wonder if perhaps, they've made me insane, or my reasoning for writing the fiction I've written is because it's been trying to explain to me what's happened... I see it regularly now, I have intelligent conversations with him... he'll sometimes point out to me things which I was not aware of, and I can't help but wonder if it's a psychological disorder of somekind just manifesting itself after the tryptamines I've tried...

It all started on a particularly strong mushroom trip I took... I'll spare too much detail... but basically I was wandering through the woods on a warm spring day, and the morphing, breathing visuals slipped away abruptly, replaced by something very uncharacteristic of a mushroom trip... the world seemed to be cold and lifeless, gray for a moment, before lighting up again, like some darker image of itself with an underlying current of energy, various different patterns and flows running through everything alive in woods... even fish in the lake lit up, glowing beneath the surface of the water... the sky went dark, and the sun was like some kind of giant black light... I looked into the water and saw two currents running through my reflection instead of the single one in everything else around me...

and then everything went back to normal again, the visuals returned to bright and colorful, with breathing and crawling things...

I started to see the spirit after this... briefly at first, and just out of the corner of my eye... occasionally hearing a whisper, a voice... and it's progressed more and more until the point it's at now... which is just the same as if there were another living, breathing being in the room with me..

I've never heard of hallucinations this severe without being on any drugs, and no acid flashback causes this sort of thing to happen... I'm not in any other way disturbed.. I have a 3.9gpa in biochemistry, I have a good social life and I function just fine when I decide to work... but it hasn't gone away...

...thoughts?

 

My brother did E which set him into a manic episode for 6 months. We think it triggered his Bi-Polar disorder. You'd better go to the Dr.

 

Lecarick, I thought I had heard of everything, but your experience is a new one.

You might need to see a shrink, as periotic sourpuss advised. But you need to be careful with shrinks, because they come from a rigid paradigm that does not take into account the possibility that some experiences that seem "crazy" might have some validity.

The test is this: Can you function fairly normally in society with this "hallucination?" (I use quotes because it has not yet been demonstrated that this entity in your presence is not in some way "real.") If your experience is wrecking your grades or your social life, then you might need help with this. But I would caution that seeing a psychiatrist is something you should consider only if you are genuinely unable to function.

If you do decide to see a shrink, and you have the luxury of choosing from more than one alternative, I strongly advise you find one with some intellectual balance. If he/she jumps in quickly and says you need to be medicated, you might say you want to get a second or third opinion--and stick to your rights, even if they laugh in your face. You want a shrink who asks specifically what difficulties you have and tries to tailor your treatment to those specific difficulties.

Now I'll say something that you should take with a grain of salt, but I think it needs to be said. My readings and experience lead me to believe that what Carlos Castaneda has taught about perception and awareness is true. He says that our perceptions are determined by a point of awareness on our energy bodies called the "assemblage point." The position of the assemblage point on the lines of energy in our energy body determines what we experience. Some people's assemblage points are unstable--yours might be like this. Sometimes the assemblage point can drift away from the point of pure rationality and into the region of silent knowledge. Some of the things you've said in your note lead me to think that your assemblage point has a tendency to drift into the area of silent knowlege quite often.

If that's what is happening to you, that's not necessarily a bad thing. If you can manage to function in society while experiencing these things, then you might have the opportunity to delve into some intriguing inner explorations.

If you're interested in more of Castaneda's ideas, I suggest his book The Power of Silence.

Again: Take this with a grain of salt, and do what seems best to you.

Best of luck to you.

 

I actually have no problem whatsoever functioning in society. The closest thing I can compare it to, is if you've ever seen quantum leap? You know the hologram guy that shows up and only the main character can see or hear him? It's like that. I see a creature who isn't there, I hear him, I can talk to him and have lengthy and sometimes good conversations, but there's nobody really there. My grades are still fine, I still do fine at work, no problems... I just see and hear an imaginary creature.

 

Well then, Lecarick, sounds to me like it's time to just get down to some serious interdimensional partying, and let the shrinks look after their own.

So now this guy who's moved in with you, does he tell you anything useful? Does he tell you what's going to happen? Does he give you good pick-up lines, or does he hit on your girlfriends when your back is turned? Can you give some examples? I'm starting to think you might be one hell of a lucky person, and I'm wondering very much about the nature of this entity. I can think of a few possibilities, but anything I could say would be pure conjecture on my part. Have you ever asked HIM who he is, where he came from, why he's become your constant companion?

 

Well see that's kind've tricky. The way he's explained it is that we're both stuck in the same coporeal form, except he's been supressed for a very long time and now he's just to the point where we can communicate. Ultimately - he's a little burned by the fact that I retain complete control of said body, but he's not really causing me any grief about it. He does actually point out things to me sometimes. He might remember if someone changes their story or is lying and I can't spot it, and will actually present reasonable reasons as to why he thinks said things. It's really quite strange... I've never had such a logical and lucid hallucination before.

 

you got a theatre of the mind going on . assuredly , it's all you and of one mind . it's similar to what channelers do , eh ? it's theatre , and a way of being whole and fully concious .

 

Tikoo has an interesting thought--a way for you to be whole and fully conscious.

I share my corporeal form with between one and many individuals, however these individuals have their own bodies as well--at least, I know some of them do. It's hard to tell who else they've invited since this party got started. LOL And I can't "see" them manifesting in the "external" world, though they do sometimes give me vivid mental pictures for various reasons.

Does your alter ego have a name? How do you address him? Does he have a sense of humor?

Have you ever asked him what he would do differently if he were in control of "the body?"

Does he have any explanation for how you two happen to be in the same body?

You're a scientist, Lecarick. This situation raises all sorts of questions that I, for one, would love to find some answers to. Seems like a great opportunity to delve into the unknown and maybe come back with some valuable data. Of course, you're a biochemist, not a psychologist or sociologist or anthropologist, but maybe...you could try to view your friend as a member of an exotic tribe in a virtually unexplored wilderness, and see what you can construct of his mode of existence, behavior, and worldview.

 

The human mind is incredibly fragile because of it’s complexity,
and anyone predisposed to mental illness need only give the
mind the required kick (in the form of undo stress, physical trauma,
or through the ingestion of hallucinogens) in order to send their
brain chemistry spiraling out of control


Hotwater

 

Hotwater is right, of course. Anybody can see that you're out of your stinkin' mind, Lecarick.

The thing is, don Juan got Carlos Castaneda to use drugs for the specific purpose of knocking him out of his normal awareness, and loosen up his assemblage point. Once that old assemblage point gets loosened, if you can avoid having it drift around in merely weird positions, you might be able to move it to a useful and/or interesting place.

Anyway, luckily a lot of us on this forum are out of our stinkin' minds, so you've come to the right place. Ha! Maybe I should just speak for myself.

 

.
.
i try to take special care of my sanity , and this may require practicing a dicipline of language . words and ideas can get in a bad tangle , so bad as to dis-affect the life feeling .

?whoozat talking at me in my brain , i demand . is it just mind-drama , or is it an intersect ? tho when the voice say i really love you , then who am i to worry and ask that who question .
.
.

 

The thing that confuses me is that this happened after a hallucinogen trip... generally, I find that most drugs inhibit any hidden ability the human possesses by clouding our minds with too much information. (The only one I find to be helpful would be caffiene in small amounts)

When everything went grey, did you have a powerful sense of fear?
It's possible that during this moment you imprinted the childhood memory of this alternate you into the energy in the air - giving it a concscious mind.
Assuming this is what happened, then yes, it is now a real being.
Are you able to see Aura's, by any chance? If not, then it's interesting you can see this alternate you... if you know of anyone in your area with the ability to see aura's, try seeking them out. Don't say anything about him, but if he's with you, "accidently" glance towards him a few times.
There are a lot of "astral creatures" in the world, thus, many times people with Auric site just don't mention "there's something there, there, and there" (Or at least, my experience [which is pretty limited still] has led me to believe this) however, if you let him or her know you can see the being without actually SAYING anything about it, they might take interest and ask you about him. If so, you know it's not just in your head - ESPECIALLY if they can describe what he looks like.

Alternately, you might have done something similar, and just created an 'astral form' for him to use when he wants. In which case, yes, it would seem you have two conscious beings within your physical body.

These are just theories based off my own readings and experiences though, which as I said before, are still pretty limited... which is why I sought out this forum - to experience and learn ;-)

 

Confusion is the first step toward enlightenment. LOL

Is there no hope for the youth of today? Are all of Carlos Castaneda's works destined to rot in aging hippies' attics? LOL

Okay, I'm done with my rant. IMIC, please read this book: The Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge, by Carlos Castaneda. This book will leave you even more confused, so you will then need to read Castaneda's next book, and then his next one, and eventually the confusion will resolve into some degree of comprehension.

Or you could skip the confusing parts, and just read one of Castaneda's clearest and most recent books: The Power of Silence.

Hallucinogens have some valid uses, IMIC. As Castaneda's books show, there is a clear reason for the use of psychotropic substances to prepare the mind for psychic exploration.

However I will grant you: Without understanding what is happening, and without a guide, you're right--there is too much information. I should know. I've spent a lot of my life trying to find the path through the confusion.

 

Thanks for the suggestion, I'll hunt them down when I get a chance ;-)

Before finding this site I was studying things about Qi/Chi and Orgone so all that I 'know' of psychic abilities and whatnot is based off everything from those topics... heh ^_^;;

 

They're in your B & N New Age section under Castaneda.

And if you want to start a thread on auras or astral projection I'll listen in and see if I can learn anything.

 

Everyone is insane. And the craziest are the ones who don't think they're crazy at all.

It's all a matter of keeping your cool. If you have an imp sharing your body and you can keep your cool, then you are extremely cool. Being weird is the best thing you can be.

 

So true, especially if you're trying to hang out with shrinkwrapped folks.

However if you can find a group of people who will hang out with you even when you talk about the imp sharing your body, you don't need to be so cool.

 

I would suggest you stop taking psychedelics for a while and see what happens. I had a room mate that had paranoid schitsophrenia(sp). He thought he was possessed by a dark angel that gave him strange powers. It all started for him in marine boot camp, a stressful situation to say the least. He also really liked extacy. I think the combination brought out his mental illness. Now, I'm no doctor but I think you could have unbalanced yourself with the drugs. Nothing to worry about for now since you say you can function just fine, but I think you should stop taking drugs for a while and see if your friend sticks around. If he fades away in six months or so you will know that you should avoid psychedelics in the future.

 

Lecarick doesn't live here anymore. He left after I told him he was out of his stinkin' mind. Maybe I should have been more sensitive and caring.