Get ready, cause this is a NOVEL. I know that posting this is going to get me a lot of criticism, and frankly I deserve it, but I would like to think given the anonymous atmosphere of the forum that there may not be too much judgement. But maybe that's just me self-justifying and hoping someone will tell me I'm not as much of a monster as I know I am. I'm cheating on my husband. With his friend. That is currently living with us. The man I married is without a doubt the best man I know. He is kind, generous, supportive, HILARIOUS, understanding and a thousand other lovely qualities we look for in a spouse. He has always been patient with me and more than willing to work with my flaws and let me do things in my own time. He has a handsome face but is overweight- maybe this is the stem of my unhappiness in the bedroom, although he always has been, since we met, and I am no slim sally myself. We've never had what I would call great sexual chemistry- our sex was good, and that was it, more so in the beginning. The other amazing things about him made me love him, and I never gave that much value to the sex. He's charismatic and funny and gets along great with people of all kinds. I guess by the time I got married I'd had great sex and one night stands and for some reason I didn't really consider the rest of my life...? The sex was good at the time, so I didn't really have anything to think about, I suppose. I can't say at what point my sexual attraction to him started to wane, but I've been really happy with our life together regardless of his performance in bed. By that I mean, I wank a lot. We live in the small town my husband grew up in, so his friends are his buddies from high school. They come over two to four nights a week to play games and hang out and drink. It's great, we don't have kids and none of these guys are married or have girlfriends- they are loveable nerds. Enter Fraser- I made up this name, by the way, and all names here-one of the high school guys that moved away for several years and is back home temporarily. He got laid off and had to move back in with his parents (we are all in our late twenties). He hated it there and was hanging out at our house a lot. He is different than the other guys, aside from being the only somewhat conservative in a group of raging liberals, which at least livens political discussions. But he talks to me not like I'm his friend's wife, kind of like the others do, but like I am my own entity apart from my husband, which is gratifying. I've been pretty damn attracted to him from almost the beginning, he's the typical white nerdy guy I like, smart and funny, but sexy too. Much slimmer than my husband which, for wrong or right at this point, is extremely appealing. He hung out at our house several months before we started to get comfortable with each other. I started to become friends with him outside the other guys- on game nights, we start to watch movies together once everyone has left, because we are both night owls with a penchant for drinking. Nothing inappropriate or wrong ever happened for so long, months, even though we get drunk together a lot. The main reason being dude is (was?) a big fat virgin. I couldn't fathom this- 29 and hadn't done much beyond making out. He is good looking and has a great personality, exempting the flaws we all have. We start texting- again, nothing inappropriate ever passed between us through text for a long time. But we would have little moments of eye contact, or I would catch him looking at me, and he would be going to the city and ask if I needed anything there, stupid, cheesy little shit. It wasn't long before I realized I'm pretty much in love with him. It came on so gradually..I never wanted it to happen, and maybe if I hadn't let temptation get the best of me I could have had those feelings and kept it innocent. But no. One night about 6 weeks ago we got rip-roaringly drunk together. I got honest. Next thing I know, I'm blowing him on the back porch. I never even stopped to consider the repercussions- I just did it. Stupidly, selfishly. That's how cheating happens, I realize. Without a thought. It's wrong. I know. I know. The next morning, it's awkward for all of 2 minutes, before we both acknowledge that That Just Happened and now This Is Happening. That's the point of no return for me. That's when it got really fucking real. A stupid drunken blowie I could have forgiven myself for- chalk it up to alcohol, move on. But no. I think I accepted from the very beginning, subconsciously, that I wanted so much more than that. A few days after that first time, he moved in, and has been there 6 weeks. So I'm having An Affair. With my husband's friend in his house while he's sleeping, sometimes in the room next door. Our texts are no longer innocent and infrequent; our looks are no longer insignificant. I took his virginity on my living room couch; I swallow for him at least twice a week, sometime I've never done for Hubby. His cock is deliciously big and he, surprisingly for a virgin, has been able to give me multiple orgasms a night. Like, multiple. I am having the best sex of my life; I am living in a world of guilt. I am a truly disgusting example of humanity. But I can't stop at this point. He's leaving for the army soon, and I'm riding this train as long as possible. The last complication in this shit show is my best friend. I have a close group of girlfriends the way my husband has a close group of guy friends. Naturally, they intermix, and frequently. Because we live in the country about an hour from the city these girls live in, they tend to spend the night when they come, and by the night I mean the weekend. So, my best friend, Tessa, has developed feelings for Fraser. I've been honest with her about my feelings for him- she's my best friend, she knows something is up. Even before the physical stuff, she knew there was something there for me. But I haven't told her about the cheating. I can't tell her- I can't tell anyone. This is the first time I will have said anything to anyone about this entire thing. We had a long talk and she said she wouldn't pursue him because of my feelings for him. Feelings that will never go anywhere. It's a dead end for him and me, a fling only; I know he doesn't reciprocate my feelings of love. He's never said it- it's never needed to be said, I just know. And even if he told me tomorrow he loves me, the truth is I would never leave my husband. I love him too much, which I know sounds like absolute bullshit, because, hello, adultery. But I'll never leave him. He means too much, we've been through too much (I guess it would be crass to mention at this point that I'll soon be undergoing fertility treatments...?) I didn't think you could love two people at once, and yet, here I am. Nothing can ever come of this thing with Fraser, ever. If it ever came out, I would lose my husband and my life, he would lose all his friends. It's a dangerous fucking game I'm playing and I can't stop. I won't stop. But Tessa likes him, and it's come between us. I'm keeping her from forming a potential relationship because of my own selfishness. I haven't had her out to my house as much lately because I am absolutely fucking gut-deep terrified something will happen between the two of them. To conclude, I know I am a monster of a special degree. I am cheating on my husband, acknowledging it, and have no plans to change it. A friend once told me that she never met anyone who understood so much but was willing to adapt so little. I hate myself; I love the sex. I'll sit in the living room with the two of them, watching TV, looking at my husband sitting there knowing his friend, sitting over there, has given it to me up the ass. I'll sit at the table full of our friends and know later, I'll probably be riding this guy, their friend whom they trust and would never suspect of such a level of betrayal, in his room. I used to think I was a good person, but now I know I'm not and there's nothing I want to change. That's the sick fucking part about this; I know, and yet I will do nothing different. Can anyone out there validate that just a little? I know most of you are going to tell me the truth- that I am low, which I am. That I am sick and depraved and fucked up- which I am. I am I am I am. Maybe I'm posting this because I DO want the judgement and the criticisms- it's like I'm a glutton for punishment. I just don't know what to do at this point. I mean, I know what I SHOULD do. I should call it quits, have him out of my house, confess all and hope for the best. Well that isn't fucking happening. My ideal situation is he leaves for the army and my life goes back to normal. My world stops spinning and maybe, in years and years and years down the road, I can remember what pride feels like, and what it feels like to have faith in myself again.
I'm not going to tell you think you should hear (or read for that matter) i'm going to tell you the truth. You're not really doing anything you shouldn't be doing. You're in your late 20's your husband, though you love him very much, has become boring in routine. These are all common occurences.. cliche even.. that you're sleeping with one of his best friends! And why is it cliche do you think? Because mongomy just doesn't work. Not in the long run. Even tho you're very much in love with your husband and can see all the incredible things about him your not naive to all of his flaws either. In a way the mystery is gone, you've gotten comfortable. You want the exciting beginning again. And personally, I feel like there's a reason for that. Yes monogomy is a wonderful thing for a while. But then it's not and that's okay. But you did make a promise to be truthful.. and be with him forever (even tho in a way it's unrealistic to promise someone forever when people are constantly changing). But you want to stay with him. So you have to decide something. We won't deny that this affair is sexually gratifying. That's not the problem it's the sneaky part. If it wasn't sneaky it wouldn't be bad. Maybe your husband will be more receptive to your needs then you think. Or he might not be... I'm not sure of the situation there, maybe not. But do you tell your husband and ruin a marriage that you clearly don't want to end. Or do you do end it now. In realization that your going against your vows. And continue a happy marriage. There has to be some sacrifice here. You can't have your cake and eat it too. And you certainly shouldn't shit where you eat.
You said he will be living soon, so let him go and forget it happen. If you love your husband than don't tell him because he it would hurt him lot more than you think Telling him what happen won't be for him but for your self to make your self feel better And that is selfish, what his does not know won't hurt him.
There is no justification for what you are doing. If you really did believe that what you are doing is right, you would've told your husband all about it. I feel sorry for your husband. He is not good at picking good people to be in his life. His wife and his best friend! Can you think of a better way to shatter this man's life? You should end your marriage. Your husband deserves better.
What a load of bullshit! You're behaving like a fucking total ass! I love my husband, I would never leave him! So what the fuck are you doing. Be very careful that your "best friend" doesn't tell him. This guy doesn't love so you may end up with no-one. And did I need to know that you take it up the ass? A big fat no!!!
I think what you need to be focusing right now is honesty, it's the foundation of every relationship. To me it sounds like you're more concerned with having fun with your husband's friends, keeping him away from your best friend and maintaning your husband in the dark about it. There's no other way around it, you're being selfish. I don't believe in monogamy, but I also don't believe in cheating. I've been in a long term monogamous relationship, but that's because what felt right, not because I felt like it was a rule I needed to live by. I knew we would have both been ok with being with other people if we discussed it first (we did, but it never went from being an idea). For a guy it's usually not something easy to accept because they usually interpret it as "I'm not making you happy", but is not really that. There's people, there's attraction and there's curiosity, it can be a dangerous combination if you feel like you don't trust your partner enough to talk about feelings that might be a problem. What's done is done, but you're married to this man and if you really love him, you would be honest with him and expect that he understands. I don't see how you could continue this relationship and keep this a secret, it will haunt you forever and it's really unfair to him to not give him the option of deciding what he wants to do. This could be an opportunity for you two to work on your sex life and another thing to overcome that brings you closer together. It seems what drove you to sleep with his friend was being unsatisfied with your sex life and I think you're confusing feelings of lust for him, with love. No matter how difficult it is, the truth is the only option when you genuinely care for the other person. I'm of the belief that what you have on your mind affects your relationships whether you share it or not, usually more when you keep it to yourself. I don't think you should be so hard on yourself, we are humans, we make mistake and sometimes the fear of hurting someone can keep us from doing the right thing. It would hurt him more to not know, even if he never finds out.
I guess these responses are about on par for what I expected. Everything everyone said has made sense. I appreciate the understanding and the criticism. Everything I said feels like bullshit, yes, but I can't help that. It is what it is at this point. Acuarela, your response was the most helpful. You're totally right, I'm focused on having fun, keeping my friend away, and keeping this from my husband. Those really are my main focuses, for right or wrong. I'm absolutely rethinking my feelings here- maybe I am confusing lust with love. There is so much lust there and he is on my mind so much that maybe the lines have crossed. I definitely agree that "what you have on your mind affects your relationships whether you share it or not, usually more when you keep it to yourself." My husband can tell I am a little withdrawn and not my normal self. The only thing I just can't do -won't do- is tell my husband. I won't. There is no possible way in the world that he would understand. I'd rather it haunt me for years than he see this horrible part of me, which is probably the most selfish fucking thing of all. Through this ordeal I am realizing I am not who I thought I was, I mean, I know I'm doing wrong and despite all this advice I just won't stop, I fucking can't. I am too much of a coward to tell my husband the truth and too excited by the other to keep my legs together. I am sitting here near to tears, thinking about this, and yet I know later tonight the pattern will continue and not only will I do nothing to stop it, I will do my best to encourage it. I'm like a drug addict who realizes he's addicted and hurting his life and family but still shoots up as often as possible.
I, personally think that keeping this from him is more selfish than what you're actually doing right now. Trust is something that can be regained if you work on it, but no relationship can exist without it. Him knowing something is "wrong" and not knowing what, will drive him CRAZY, believe me, I've been there. Not with someone cheating, but with lies and hiding things. When you have a connection with someone, you feel when they are not being honest with you. I don't know how long you two have been together, but I'll assume he knows you pretty well. Maybe women are more intuitive with these sort of things, but I don't think so. I'll say that the feeling of something not being right and not knowing what is going on, it's really tormenting. There isn't even anything to make you understand, you know, but you don't want to change anything about the situation and are afraid of dealing with the consequences. It sounds to me, like you're more in love with yourself, than with any of these men. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I just couldn't do that to someone I love.
If your husband is a little overweight, offer to go for a romantic walk with him...don't screw his friend! If you aren't sexually attracted to your husband you can either figure out what it would take to make him attractive to you (ie: if he slims down a little) or work harder to find some common ground that excites both of you. Or, you could leave him. He probably believes that you love him no matter what he looks like, and that an extra 10-20lbs (or however much it is) is no big deal. If it bothers you, talk to him about it nicely. Give him the "I want you around for a long time and am worried about your weight. What can we do to get you healthier?" speech. I am sure he would prefer that over "Hey hon, I am screwing your best friend because you're fat!" Cheating on him with his best friend, how wonderfully tacky of you. If you want a strange piece of ass, fine, but you don't screw the best friend of the person you married. It adds insult to injury! You want excitement and some thrills in your life then find someone who 1. Doesnt live in the same house as you and your spouse and 2. Isn't friends with your spouse. Why don't you ask your bestfriend to move in with you. Perhaps she will screw your husband, and you might understand exactly what you are doing feels like. Imagine seeing him post on a forum describing how his wife's bestfriend likes to take it up the ass, but he feels awful about what he is doing to his wife. I find it interesting that you berate yourself for screwing him, yet talk about doing so like it's an erotic story. Personally I don't think you feel that bad about doing it. I think you feel bad because you know you are being played by Fraser (ie: you're a safe and available piece of ass before he deploys...how nice of you to support our troops, thank you :gnorsi, and know if your husband found out, he woud file for divorce before you swallowed his friends next load. Try swallowing for your husband, you might find that he is more satisfying in bed...because you will be too. :2thumbsup: Telling your husband is the right thing to do...but totally destroying his life in order to salvage your conscience is screwed up. I can't say that I am a fan of dishonesty, but to tell him would hurt him, and that is like the victim being punished for the crime committed against them. However, I am sure he would like to know that his wife and friend can't be trusted, and that they betrayed him in his own home. You should have thought about not ruining his life as you sat on the couch getting shit faced with his friend. He should have been smart enough to notice you getting too close to his friend. :willy_nilly: Oh....You may want to make sure to keep your bestfriend happy...otherwise you may not have to tell your husband.:gossip:
Why do you think they call it cheating? It's just like cheating on an exam or to a customer that you short change. CHEATING IS CHEATING! It's wrong, no matter what the situaion! If you're unsatisfied in your relationship, do something about it! Get counseling or break up with him but don't cheat on him. It proves you don't love him. At a minimum, you have no respect for him. How can you truly love someone that you have no respect for? Mistakes happen, sure. We can end up cheating on our spouse but when we continue the deceit, it's unspeakably low. Good luck living with yourself and your lover, living with his (so called) friend.
Pick one. Either stay with husband with unsatisfying sex life or pick Fraser and the hot new relationship sex. But, a year from now, the sex with Fraser may be dull and boring and you will be looking at Fraser's friends...
If you really, genuinely love your husband and want to spend more years with him (although how you could do this to him if you do is beyond me) then you must change your strategy now. This will come out, this will damage him deeply and could kill your relationship forever, and furthermore it could all have been needless. Being in a relationship sometimes takes courage. Courage to say things like "I love you so very much, but I don't get excited in the bedroom any more" or even "I've been thinking about other men. We need to sort this out." Maybe you could have had an open relationship, or he would have lost weight and learnt some new techniques. Maybe he'd have confessed to feeling the same way and suggested you buy a copy of the karma sutra or invite some friends over. If he didn't want to make changes, you could have decided to part ways on good terms. Now, there is inevitable, deep pain for him. I think a temporary feeling of awkwardness talking through the sex situation would have been far preferrable. Wanting better sex wasn't wrong. Being deceitful to a man you claim to love and have vowed to spend your life with most definitely was. Start fixing it. You say you wont. Just remember that every minute that passes where you're not coming clean to your husband is another stab at him, another minute of being deceitful, another minute added to the time he'll look back and know you were lying for.
Sure, I'll validate what you're saying. I get where you're coming from, even if I don't agree with it. You feel what you feel, you can't help that, so by definition, your feelings are valid, and you understand yourself quite well. It seems like you're either asking for someone to tell you it's OK to do this or that you're just trying to get it off your chest. You are the only one that can tell yourself if it's "ok". You already know and understand why that in all likelihood, 99% of the people here, or anywhere for that matter, are going to view this as "wrong", but in reality, the only opinion that counts is yours - it's your definition of "wrong" that's going to determine what happens next. You have to live with this decision and yourself for the rest of your life. No one here does. I have personally experienced this situation, but in reverse. My husband cheated with MY best friend. I will tell you that it's a hurt like no other you've ever experienced. It's heart wrenching and makes you question your self worth in every aspect down to the granular level. The death of each of my parents; whom I loved deeply, paled in comparison to the pain this caused me. Luckily you have no children that could be hurt by the fallout. If you continue this relationship, there's a good chance your husband will find out. And if that happens there are emotional and physical repercussions that you can't even begin to understand until they're experienced. Not only will your husband be devastated and most likely your marriage will end, your life will be over as you know it. People will find out and ALL will think differently of you, some of them will treat you differently. You will most likely lose friends. Your boss will find out. Your coworkers will know. You may even have family members that lose faith in you. You have to decide if all of that is worth it to you. It sounds like from what you have said that it is. Being self deprecating and expecting reassurances from those of us here, or anywhere, doesn't change the situation. You are choosing to do this, so don't blame it on your husband's weight or his sexual prowess, or whatever. Those are reasons, not excuses. I think you have to figure out why you've chosen the easy way (to cheat) instead of solving the problem within your marriage. But no matter what, just decide what you're going to do and then be an adult and own all that comes with that decision, no whining allowed.
You haven't said much about your husband's sexual or emotional needs - maybe he would consider opening the marriage - maybe he would be interested in other women while maintaining your relationship as the primary one. But cheating toi this extent - in the next room etc, - is not only not fair, deceitful and not something that should not happen in a genuine 'relationship', but is sure going to result in being caught sooner or later - and then what - bad vivbes/crash/unhappiness on all sides. Start talking to him and feel your way to his feelings on a more open relationship. I've been there, and am there; cheating and loving sex. Still won't be plain sailing even if you can mke it open, but what relationship ever is? Good luck, Simon :sunny:
