Admitting our fucked up thoughts.

Do you have fucked up thoughts?
Ones you can't quite explain?
Well, post'em here!

Here's a few.

1. I can only get to bed at night when I day dream about murdering people... it relaxes me.
Back when I was very mentally ill I thought up extensive plans on how to get the most murders until I died... usually centered around killing people stealthily and indiscriminately, sometimes fitting myself in a bullet proof suit and mowing down a crowd of church goers, or police men.

God, that is so... messed up... now Adays I only think about murdering people who I think "deserve it" to get me to sleep. Like assassinating Kim Jong Ill, or shooting up a kkk meeting. Maybe blowing up something I disagree with. Never someone I know though...

But I simply cannot fall asleep without thinking these thoughts.... Oh how hard I've tried to switch to a different topic.. .oh how many ideas I've came up with for bettering the world, instead of slaughtering it, and failed at sleep.

I wish it wasn't so... but the idea of taking a life from this world intrigues me so much! It gives me a feeling of power that I don't have in my own world, over life and death itself... How very insecure of me!, How incredibly egotistical and maniacle to believe I deserve to be a judge, jury and executioner! It's totally against everything I THINK I believe in.

2. EVERYONE HATES ME

Especially when I don't take my pills... I walk through a crowd and hear them talking shit about me... hear them laughing, and it's at ME! If I make eye contact with a stranger I usually think that they strongly dislike me... like the whole world wants to use me, take my stuff and discard me like trash... I wonder why? When I am medicated I think very little of myself... much more observant and much less psychotic? I guess that would be the world for it. These thoughts have gone on since I can remember.

3. I WILL NEVER ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING EVER

Same with the above statement, without my medication... I feel as if everything is in vein, as if the hardest I try it will just barely not be enough and I might as well just quit while I'm ahead. These thoughts have gone on since I can remember.

4. NOTHING CAN PLEASE ME

Sometimes... It's like all I can do is sit at a computer and live in a controlled little isolated world. I try and jam on my guitar... It sucks, I draw... what's the point.... I talk to friends... It's the same shit every time I see them...

5. I CANNOT BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY

Everything I say.. and do... is not serious... it's all bullshit. It's all just some ploy to pretend like I'm ok for a few seconds... Nothing is real... except death.



AND THOSE ARE MY THOUGHTS ON BAD DAYS :2thumbsup:


I try so hard to think positively, but when something goes wrong I feel obligated to hate myself intensely with all the passion in the world... like I can atone for my sins through self hatred and self destruction....

Man.. I need a therapist lol.

 

My thoughts are usually best left to myself.

 

hahah nice thread... sometimes i laugh about people dying or laugh about risking my own life even, mabey i dont take life serious enough.
Sometimes i act out of impulse and instinct, other than using ANY logical thoughts, and it gets me into SERIOUS trouble.

 

if you'd like to see my fucked up thoughts, see my posts

I really don't think b4 I post, just whatever pops in my head

Embarrassed that I accidentally posted in the dreadlocks forum because I didn't look b4 posting what I had done that day

I sometimes feel like my life is an act of public humiliation

I'm ready to keep no secrets on a dime, then I think I should probably be ashamed of myself

Honesty can be a lonely game

Most people will keep their secrets to themselves... only muse at the spectacle of someone that does not hide behind an effigy of their 'normal' self

Oh the shame of me...

My body is to weak to ever be strong

My frustrations are so tight I may never loosen up

My intelligence is so mediocre and unnurtured

I am so inarticulate, I write like a child

I'm not very cute...

 

I agree with Freud's assertions that sexual development was the origin of mental illness. And that most psychological states are dictated by unconscious processes, that a child's sexuality develops early but is repressed

I tend to believe that the source of sexual repression is a bourgeois morality and the socio-economic structures that produce it. As sexual repression is the cause of the neuroses, the best cure is an active, guilt-free sex life. I will argue that such a liberation could come about only through a morality not imposed by a repressive economic structure.

 

Man, you guys take yourselves too seriously.

 

I seriously love you Logan 5. You're a super fantastic humanbeing and you deserve to have love showered upon you by strangers. Thank you for just being you.

 

I'm writing a book about my fucked-up thoughts, and a lot of them are similar to those of the op and tuesdaystar. Logan 5: Not everybody is born with good brain chemistry and a stable, loving family. But as Zen master Shunryu Suzuki said, "Be grateful for the weeds you have in your mind, because eventually they will enrich your practice." The more fucked-up thoughts you have, the more mental discipline you can learn in trying to manage and function with those thoughts.

 

I have plenty of 'fucked up thoughts' that I can't really put into words. I must say, though, that I actually HAVE schizoaffective disorder, so such thoughts are commonplace in my psyche. Eventually, you learn how to ignore and recognize when your brain starts to perceive things in a 'strange' way.

 

I don't feel comfortable talking about the real fucked up thoughts I have, but right now I was just thinking what it would look like if the backsides of horses suddenly were to roam freely in new york city, and how the locals would respond. I pictured a taxi driver saying loudly in a heavy accent, "well if it ain't something else..." as he's trying to find a way around a slow moving horse butt.

I think I'm a very strange person sometimes:willy_nilly:

 

Thanks to everyone in this thread.

About the Freud thing, that would make sense, considering that I was sexually molested as a child and held that repression in me until I finally got a girlfriend.

Which is around the time that I stopped being so angry at the world.

Infact... I believe that humans have a "sex drive", the same drive that Bonobos have, this "sex drive" is what leads to a lot of human accomplishment, both as a means to impress and as a displacement method.
This is what I call "sexual displacement" where we focus our sex drive on an accomplishment and use our "limbido" as a drive.

Basically, monks are the personification of this theory, accomplishing great things through the act of sexual displacement.


And I most certainly DO take myself WAYY too seriously :2thumbsup: It's good to hear that once in a while!

 

I've read everything I could ever get my hand by Whilhem Riech. (No he's not a former Nazi. He left Germany shortly after Hitler won the election. And no he wasn't crazy. If you're a hippie you should know the establishment mocks and ridicules people it doesn't like.) And I've also been a big fan of anthropologist Margret Mead. I recommend that everyone should read these two great people. Because you will understand why we are so messed up.

Therefore let me state,

Just as we need air, shelter, warmth, water and food in order to survive physically in this world.

We also need, conversations, human to human contact and sex in order to mentally survive.
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We live in a very unnatural world and every day we literally get the hell beat out of us in some form or another. Making love or just plain "having sex for fun" is essential to a healthy mental state. And yet, we have more hang ups and taboos around sex that today's situation is beyond laughable and pathetic. By contrast, victorians were less messed up than we are today.

 

That may be the case. At the same time, while one is learning to manage their insane thoughts they must also realize that yes in some cases they certainly do take themselves too seriously. Going with the flow one can achieve more. Fighting it instead wastes time and energy and if it does get you anywhere your won't have the capability to deal with future troubles as effectively.
BTDT.

 

I've thought about the aftermath of my death in elaborate detail many times. I think about how many people will show up to my funeral, how they'll all react to the intial news, how the different groups of people in my life who have never met will all come together because of my death, the things that will be said throughout the funeral, how everyone will individually memorialize me and come to terms with my death, how my absense will effect the course of everyones' lives surrounding me.

I usually have my thoughts under control. I'm a pretty logical, down-to-earth person, but I get some twisted sick pleasure from thinking about how my death will effect others.

I agree. Its the same concept you learn in meditation. Thoughts will come and go but you have to learn how to detach yourself from your thoughts and don't take them so seriously or put too much emphasis on them.

 

I absolutely agree, Logan. Learning not to take oneself too seriously is part of our mental discipline. Learning WHY one takes oneself too seriously is part of our spiritual journey - as is figuring out how to change. And setting one's intent on accomplishing the last two will engage the universe's aid - attracting people and experiences that will help achieve those goals.

 

I want nothing more then for one of my family dogs to be dead, or atleast just gone. Even with regular walks (2-3 times a day) he will still piss and crap in the house late at night. Its made me so miserable having to wake up to the sight and smell almost everyday. Oh and i sometimes like to setup mass groups of civilians in a video game just so i can mow them all down with a MG.

 

definatly dont slit someones throat lol

 

I get so lonely I try to summon succubusses and sex dreams are succubusses visiting me and that is a goal for me. lol.

i can be out going rarely, then sit and regret everything i've said or did (minor things like just having convos or saying hi)

i think there is a mental ward in the spirit world for souls that commited suicide and i want to go there and get together with the other souls.

i think about death every day.

 

I think about having sex like sick sex with just about every one I meet

 

I try to picture what almost everyone I meet would look like in a Nazi uniform.