Advice and comfort needed

I figured this would be one of the better places to put this, but if anyone out there is going to make jokes or be malicious please stay out, for I do not need it right at the moment...

I went to West Virginia for two weeks for the Rainbow Gathering. Everyone knew where I was going. I left one day early, but both my little sister and father knew that I left...in fact they WATCHED me leave. I was supposed to leave on either Tues. or Wed. but ended up leaving on Mon. In the WV mountains, I could not receive signal on my phone, therefore, I could not check my voice mail or return calls.

I get home and my grandparents, brother, and sister-in-law got angry, apparently because they could not get ahold of me. Although my sister communicates with them on a daily basis, so I figured she'd pass the word on that I had left a bit early.

Ironically, my grandfather had a heart attack on Sunday, now they are blaming it on me because everyone was so worried, he, being the most worried.

I didn't even have a chance to explain myself before my grandfather screamed and yelled at me saying no one knew where I was and everyone was worried and I didn't have the decency to call and let them know. That I'm a smart kid, but I'm not acting very smart. They didn't want me to end up dead in the ditch somewhere and they'd have to come and get me.

The yelling from my grandfather continued for a straight two and a half minutes at least, without me getting a word in edge-wise. When he stopped to take a breath, all I said was "I don't know why..."

Then he cuts me off saying, "You know what? Get the *F* out of here, and don't come back."

I burst into tears and left...

I guess what gets me the most upset is the fact that they are the only family I really have. My dad and I have a terrible relationship, my mom died five years ago, and my sister hates me. I'm not angry at them...in fact, I appreciate that they care...I'm just sad because I couldn't even explain myself and they blame me for everything...I don't know what else to do. I've been crying and throwing up for an hour...

I guess I just need some comforting words right now...

 

every family has their moments of strife, it's not something that can be completely avoided. Give them a few days and they'll probably calm down, at least enough that you can let them know that your father and sister knew that you left early. You didn't cause any health problems, your love and support are probably helping your gfather take better care of himself because there are people who love him.

They probably just scared themselves with worry for you, more out of love than anything else. If they didn't care about you, they wouldn't feel that way about you right? Give it a few days and things should settle down.

 

First, worry or shock do not cause heart attacks. Your behaviour did not harm your grandfather.

It sounds like your family was worried about you. Their angry responce was a reaction to that worry combined with their concern for your grandfather. Oddly enough, they don't hate you. Their reaction shows that they love you.

Unless you nurture the fight and keep it going with "... should have told you I was leaving." etc. it will blow over.

Good Luck

 

I guess I just didn't know I had to inform the entire world I was leaving on that Monday instead of on Tuesday or Wednesday. In fact, I ended up leaving on that Monday NIGHT and I seen them THAT DAY!

I just am so sad about it...so so sad...

 

Annie,don't be sad. You did nothing wrong. People worry,and then they get angry because they have worried. It's all from love,though.....it's very common. Trust me,it will blow over. I promise you that.

 

(((hugs)))

 

DancerAnnie,

take the wonderful opportunity and make the experience fully yours ... make it one that takes you beyond the fears of failing and being missed, not with the others but within your own self. Take the others as a reflection who help you to understand deeper inside you are being unhurt, unbound and whole.

So no matter if they blame you out of whatever reason ... do not blame your own self and do not make yourself less. Be honest and truthful within and trust that life is good. You are honored and appreciated by life and taken worthy beyond any measure. The lessons are what you have choosen. What you will make of it is your choice as well. But life does not limit nor does it blame you. So here you go.

And just be there to help the others to not blame or ignore themselves or shut themselfes out. You too are a reflection so be it as best you can be. Respond to their worthiness and their freedom to embrace life rather than to their fears of missing it, and trust that they too will make it.

I hope it gives you a clue.

 

sorry for your situation, first of all.
but im going to be completly honest about my opinon. i understand where you and your family is coming from. you see, even though they saw you leave, you didnt say your goodbyes and hugs and whatnot - its possible they thought you were just going somewhere to chill or get a bite to eat instead of leaving for a 2 week long trip. i would have thought the same: whenever someone is leaving for an extended period of time, you announce it to everyone, give hugs & kisses & "did you pack clean underwear" chats, and be off.

dont be too hung up on not being able to explain yourself either. the fact that you were in the mountains and couldnt get a signal is somewhat plausable, but you did get incoming calls / voice messages, right? so if you knew who called, the best thing wouldve been to stop at a grocery store or shopping center and use the pay phone to call them back, and remind them about your trip. i mean, 2 weeks is a long time, and id be fustrated and worried also, especially all the kidnappings and missing people around the tristate area of MD (where i live), DC, and VA. watching the news in my city, it could be a bad month of 2-4 a week down here. and even if they did know you were at the Rainbow, you shouldve called when you arrived safely and throught your stay, even if you are 22, and not have left it up to your sister. i know in my family, that isnt good enough.

im sorry your so upset, and i advise you to calm down and rethink how you couldve avoided them worring so much and go over and sincerly apologize for the whole thing. its your family and you dont want to begin to slowly drift away from them because of it. im sure your grandfather was waaaaay more scared than angry, and the fact that those fears of you being dead couldve been avoided, yeah the first thing he would do is blow up at you. i have done the same thing. just imagine how much hell those 2 weeks were not knowing if you were still alive or not. just apologize to them as soon as you can, in person.

 

bacon and bad genes make heart attacks .......as well as stressing over grown kids ......dont be guilt tripped by peeps who are transferring their own ussless and false guilt ........your here to live yer life ......and not , not live it for the sake of those who would live theirs vicariously through their version of what your life should be .....ive had crew die when i wasnt there .....se la vie , se la guerre mon chere ....if you want to back off from it you could stay here for a month or so as a vacation .....

 

My family blames me for a lot of things that have happened in our family...this is not the first thing that I've been blamed for. I've taken it over and over again. I'm tired of always being the one to have to apologize for everything...it's been the case over and over.

Honestly, I don't think I did anything wrong and as of right now, I don't think I am going to apologize, at least not anytime soon. Maybe that I will change...I don't know

As far as being able to receive voicemails, I can't check my voicemail messages when I don't have service...I told them I wasn't sure if I was going to have coverage in the mountains. The moment they couldn't reach me, they freaked out. Paired with the fact that my voicemail was under maintenance by my cellular carrier during part of that two weeks, I wasn't getting some of my messages anyway.

I lived on my own for a few years, it's pretty obvious I can take care of myself. I'm tired of being treated like a kid by my family members when I'm a pretty successful 22 year old that is making something of myself.

I've gone weekends without talking to my family...up and left and didn't tell anyone where I was going and this has NEVER happened. I'm not sure what the difference is this time, really.

 

group dynamics .....theres always a scapegoat ......thats a jobtitle that has to have pay to compensate much ....

 

Well, makno, where's the payoff, because I certainly haven't seen any after almost 23 years.

 

yes the cruxt of the matter ......most scapegoats end up in the stew ......all promises of avacadoes n mangoes n green grass aside .....

 

the goats in p. rico ate like kings .....

 

Crap...I gotta stay out of the stew...

Maybe it's best if I break ties with them for awhile...maybe then they'll have to find someone else to blame stuff on.

 

prime directive of tasty vertibrates .......stay out the stew .......

 

even a fish knows this ....

 

I'm so sorry that you had to have this experience. I think they were totally unreasonable in blaming you. Some dysfunctional families have a "scape goat" that they put all the blame on so that they don't have to look at themselves. This isn't very nice or fair. Some families are just toxic. I don't know if it would help if you told them how hurt and unloved you felt by their behaviour. Maybe you can surround yourself with warm loving friends and they can be your family.

 

Hmmm, this is not good. Maybe that is something that contributed to you being a scapegoat. They probably worried about you much everytime you left, and it has gotten very frustrating to them. Seems like they have been very patient with you in the past. Maybe you took their patience for granted, you pressed your luck one too many times, but this time they had enough and lashed out.

Learn from every experience.

If this was a bad experience for both you and your family and if you would not like it to happen again maybe you should take a little more effort to say your "goodbyes" and make efforts to politely contact your family periodically when you are gone. After-all, If they are very important to you as they seem to be, this little bit of extra effort would be very worthwile. Such an easy and simple remedy for such a horrible event.

I wish I could see my family for more than a few times a year. I'm almost 29 and I still tell them when I will be away and contact them to let them know of my safe arrivals. They seem to appreciate this very much!

I do hope things work out for the best.

 

After a lot of soul searching, I've realized one thing. Sometimes family relationships can be more damaging than they are helpful. I've been kicked and punched mentally over and over by my family. It is not healthy for me to think that things that happen within my family unit is always my fault, which it seems to be.

This is the same family that kicked me out when I was still in high school because my 26 year old brother (who still lived at home) was mentally and sometimes physically abusive to me. This is also the same family that still to this day blames me for my mother's death, even though, I realize now, that it had absolutely nothing to do with me, but, instead, her own personal demons. I could go on, but I'm not going to make a pity party out of this.

Bottom line...I haven't really done anything wrong...nothing wrong enough to apologize for. Maybe I'm stubborn, I don't know...or maybe it's just simply that I'm fed up.