Advice Appreciated!

Hey, right, I came back to where I first came out because I need some advice . Basically, i've met this amazing guy, but I feel like i'm in a rather tetchy position with him and I was hoping to get some thoughts on how I should proceed.

Our story is a long and complicated one, so i'll give you the basics. He just got out of a serious relationship so I can tell he's not really rushing into anything. But we have a strange sort of good chemistry. Conversation is easy. After a few weeks of knowing him ... I had to say it so I told him I liked him. He kind of brushed it off and apologised so I knew it was turning me down. But after that I kept getting confused signals. He would ask me to hang out with him alot, considered the possibility of me meeting his friends etc. Nobody's tried to pursue *just* a friendship with me with so much eagerness. So now i'm really confused as to whether there's a chance something could happen or not.

Although i'd love any advice on that question, this is the part i'd appreciate advice on. So we were talking last night and I can't tell if he half contemplated the future. He sort of said "If anything were to happen". I couldn't decide what he meant by that - did he mean happen in a generic sense (What if we fell out) or in a romantic sense. So I'm thinking I need to ask him about it - but I was hoping to check what you guys thought ~ good or bad idea?

I'm in a point in my life where I'd really like to be in a relationship, or putting my effort into a future relationship. I'd love to know if this was going anywhere or could go anywhere before I invest my heart too much into him. I do feel as though i've fallen in love with him, and In my mind I would like to know before I hurt myself if there's a chance.

I''d appreciate any advice, thanks all. x

 

Think long and hard about what you said here.

Things are not what they seem in the straight world, sometimes partners are jealous, sometimes partners just act jealous cos thats what they think they should do, sometimes partners just act jealous around their friends cos they dont want to explain how an open relationship works.

Be with him cos you want to be with him, and you both click. Do you need to be jealous if he has a casual encounter (as long as he's safe), if so why exactly? If he starts to form that special bond with another guy, then yeah you should be jealous.

You didnt say your age, but I'm guessing since you said your back here since coming out you may be early 20s and he probably too, so its unlikely he wants a ball and chain.

Pursue a realtionship, but dont get pyscho jealous, you are just going to push him away

 

Don't overwhelm him, leave it for now. Seems like he is coming around to the idea of you perhaps, anyways. Your first 'brush off', occurred after he finished his last relationship, so that's fair enough. He could really like you, but may not have been ready to act on these feelings. Plus, straying for now could save your feelings too, to be knocked back a second time could sting.

If you feel your friendship is reaching it's limit, romantically (entering the friend-zone), then you should probably go for it, all guns blazing. If you stay friends TOO long, then any love you guys may have shared will eventually sizzle. You're both still seemingly new to each other, so for now you can walk your current line. Just remember if you do put yourself out there, don't always expect the answers you are looking for. I do remind you that personally, I think you should only do such a thing as a literal last resort.

Love can be a painful game, but continue to flirt, enjoy each other. Make him want you! Don't make anything too serious, before it has had a chance to begin. Good luck with it all, and I don't blame you seeking a future relationship. I don't get the whole jealous talk above, relevance wise, but sure enough avoid that too if you find yourself feeling so.

Everyone knows in their heart of hearts what they should do, in any given situation. You know how to treat this, and I hope any of the answers you get coexist with what you are reckoning. I'm sure you will find the answer coming from him very soon however, as this 'future' talk, seems rather ambiguous, yet leads most to romantic involvement in my book.

 

Sorry Vanilla, i'm not sure what the jealousy advice relates to either :/ it's good advice but I'm not even in a relationship with him.

And thanks Loretta. I think that's what i'll do. That's actually the perfect advice. Thankyou!

 

I was a bit lost on that too Vanilla

To get back to the topic, no, no and no! nothings going to ever happen you have to think like this, if there is a small chance something will happen, happy dayz and great for you. But like you said he said no and apologized for it, i was once that guy but the guy i said that too would not take no for an answer and became obsessed with me and it really got to me and eventually pushed me away from him.

If you keep on picturing yourself with him you will end up falling for him and if nothings going to happen it will end badly for you m8, im not sure what to advise, if you really wnt to find out if he would like to be with you, you can always ask one more time or if thats to much ask him to help you find a guy and see what he says or happens!

All the best!
Shane

 

I've decided not to say anything and roll with it at the moment! But actually, to be honest Shane, even after saying no, he's the one that's not taking no for an answer from me I keep saying i'm not able to see him, or uncomfortable sometimes, but he keeps asking me to spend time with him. I'm seeing him soon for the first time in like 4 weeks.

But thanks for the advice; I just have to go where life takes me I guess.

 

What was the context? it's impossible to give u any valid advice w/o knowing the context this was said in.

 

A friend of mine had messaged him on Facebook about how I was feeling. She basically asked him to be careful with me, not to hurt me or anything. Then she got slightly over-protective and started questioning why he had turned me down the first time I said I liked him. He wasn't online to reply at the time, but called me up that night and we chatted kind of vaguely about it. I apologised, felt embarased and we sorted that part out.

Then he said , and this is just from memory, it's not necessarily the exact words, "If anything were to happen, I wouldn't want to be telling (my friend) one thing and you telling her another and it being complicated".

I couldn't tell what that pointed towards. Obviously the first thought was towards anything in a romantic sense, but then I realised it could just as easily have been if anything happened like a falling out between friends.

Any thoughts would be welcomed.

 

Grrrrrrrrrr, the interferring fag hag, sorry to call your friend that, she's probably great, but ya gotta stamp that stuff out, they dont have any idea. Even if you are besties and she looks like she's doing it for you, she's not, its about her maternal instincts kicking in

 

Lol ... I sort of know. When I found out I felt so embarrased about it. But me and this other guy both agreed that all it showed was that she cared for me, and it's improved her in both our minds

 

it seems to me he probably meant it as applicable to her questioning him about it and just wanted to make sure you held no grudge over it. that seems the most logical explanation. maybe she came off a bit too strong on him and he felt like being on the defense or something....

it might seem vague in meaning but we have all been in plenty of situations where we haven't found the best words to express what we wanted to say and maybe that's just what it is. if he didn't clear it up then it's likely it wasn't that important anyway.

i'd just let it be. he knows you like him, if he wants to start up something with you he probably will.

 

I guess so. But the complicated part is i'm in a pretty awkward spot with him right now in terms of how i'm feeling about it all. I like him alot, and even as just a friend I think he's a great guy. But I'm in a bit of an envious sort of spiral :/ He makes alot of reference to past boyfriends he's had and experiences he's had, whereas i've never been in a relationship, on a date - never even kissed a guy before. He knows i'm bothered about my lack of experience but he just never seems sensitive to it; and talks candidly about alot of things that break my spirit. It doesn't help that as I mentioned before, I like him alot.

So it's a horrible catch 22. If I stay friends with him I know that, for the most part, i'll feel miserable. Everynight I talk to him it just hurts. Last night he couldn't make it online and, noticably, I felt so much happier. But how shallow is that of me? Just wish he'd let me get over him.

 

I understand. but don't you think you'd be more miserable if you couldn't even be friends with him? i know it's very frustrating to be around a person you're attracted to and not be able to express that, but if he is a great guy and it's not just sex you're looking for, i'd say it's not worth throwing the friendship away. also, since he's gay there's always a chance that the friendship will develop into something more (though you shouldn't start expecting that).

 

Aw, you're completely right. I wish I could just control my feelings better. I'm not sure if I can expect anyone to have an amazing answer for this but ... how can I manage my emotions better? You're right, i'd love to be friends with him regardless. It's just my head isn't screwed on straight and it's tough. But thankyou so much for your thoughts and advise guys, I really appreciate it.

 

I'd say give it time. it won't go away overnight but it'll stabilize to a tolerable level little by little. as you go on being just friends with him you'll adjust. if, in time, he shows interest in anything more than friendship, then you can get your hopes up a bit again, but if not just take whatever you can out of it. and if he's a great friend, believe me it'll be worth it.

 

Thanks Meridian, I hope it does. I'm staying at his house overnight tonight, and i'm completely anxious and nervous about the whole thing. Just hope I can keep my composure and be normal.

 

no problem. good luck =)

 

That actually didn't go well :/ lots of awkward silences, and a number of things were said which bother me now I think back on them. At one point we were talking about his ex, and he said "I'm not going to get with the first guy I meet like I used to" - and I just thought that was aimed at me for some reason?

I came home feeling drained and unhappy, even more so than usual. I spoke it over with some friends and I think we all agree that me and him need to not hang out for a while so I can get over my feelings for him. Neither of us really wants the same thing. He wants to wait, I want to be sure that I can find someone and be in a friendship that can or will go somewhere. I think both of us have valid reasons for feeling this way; so it's just not the right time to try being friends when our minds are torn on such a matter.

But thankyou for all the advice guys, I really appreciate it.

 

Errrr, yes that was directed at you, but sounds like it could have just a easily been a "I'm not going to be a slut anymore, I'm ready for something more serious" thing.

But thats just going by the words reported, if there wasnt any heat between the two of you that night, then ehh

 

It sounds to me like he does like you, but he's probably somewhat embittered toward relationships because he just came out of one and is probably still hurting rom it... and who knows- he may even still be speaking with the ex and trying to work things out. That could be the reason for his reluctance to start something with you.

I say just keep hanging out with him, and if you and he have chemistry, it will eventually overwhelm both of you, and something physical will happen. He knows that you like him, and he's aggressively spending time with you, so that's a good sign. If he weren't interested in you at all, he would most likely not want to spend any time with you at all, not even being "just friends", because he wouldn't want you to get the wrong idea, right? I mean, he KNOWS what kind of idea you're going to get if he willingly spends time with you after you've told him that you like him, and obviously, he's ok with you getting that idea

I think he's just testing the water with you still, and he probably wants to get to know you a lot better before he starts anything romantic with you, because he's guarding his heart. Just be patient, and I'm sure that you two will probably connect eventually

JP